Chapter Seven
"What is your first memory?" Dr. Chambers asked. She was leaned back in her chair and she had a pad and a pen poised to write.
I hesitated. I didn't know if she wanted my first memory ever or my first memory that I had about my life before Penny and Craig.
"Your fist memory of your entire life," she verified, as if she could read my mind.
"Um, well I remember playing going on a train with some other people in the middle of the night," I said.
"Is that all you remember about the trip, that you were with other people?" she asked, she was scribbling on her pad as she asked me this, she didn't even look up when she spoke to me. This all felt so impersonal.
"I only remember being on a train at night with other people," I said.
"How old were you?" she asked.
"I don't know,"
"How do you know this is your first memory?" she asked, she looked up at me.
"I just know," I said. In my head I knew this was my first memory because I was happy with the people on the train. I couldn't remember being that happy for any amount of time since that train ride. But I wasn't going to tell that to Dr. Chambers yet.
"Your records say that you have been having delusions of someone your call the Grandmother and some other people," she said.
"Carrie and Cathy, I don't know that man's name, he was always with Cathy," I said. I stopped myself from telling her that Cathy was like a mother to me.
"Okay," she scribbled some more. I sat there and played with the fabric that was coming off the arm of the chair. Dr. Chambers' forehead was crinkled as she stared intently at her pad and wrote furiously. I didn't think I had said that much, but she flipped the page over and started writing on the other side.
"What.What are you writing?" I asked timidly.
"Just some ideas," she said. It sounded like an orchestrated answer. Like she said it to all the patients that wanted to know what she was writing.
She opened her mouth to say something when the phone rang shrilly. She sighed and answered it.
"Adrienne Chambers," she said formally, "Oh no, okay, yes, I'll be right there," she hung up the phone and stood up. She glanced at me and with what seemed like an after thought said,
"Rufus will come and take you back to your room, I'll see you in a couple days, hopefully by then you will be in a more comfortable room," she said. She left the room before I could even say anything.
Rufus was there in a matter of seconds. It was as if he was waiting for Dr. Chambers to call for help. How strange it was for a grown man to think and eight year old boy who was small for his age could be a danger to someone.
Rufus didn't speak as he dragged me to a room I had never seen before. There were a few people inside playing cards or watching the tiny black and white television.
"You will have your recreation time for a half and hour, I will come to take you to your room for lunch," he said. He took out a ring of keys and unlocked the door to the room. I couldn't believe they even locked you in the recreation room. It was like they were saying, have fun, or else.
The door was locked behind me and I watched Rufus lumber away the light glinting off his black hair.
I went to the couch and sat down. The lady beside me didn't look at me or even move. I looked at her for a second and noticed a thin line of drool snaking down her chin. Her eyes were unfocused and staring at the TV. There were two men playing cards. But after watching them for a moment I saw that they were just taking turns putting their cards in the pile in the center of the table.
"Exciting recreation room huh?" a voice said. I turned around to find a girl who looked a little older than me standing by the couch.
I nodded.
The girl glanced at the old woman and said, "Want to use the clay with me?" she asked.
I nodded again and got up to follow her over to the flimsy table that held the cracked and dried out chunks of clay. I say down and picked up a piece. It was hard as a rock.
"This stuff has been here since I got her a year ago," the girl said, "I'm Michelle,"
"I'm Cory," I said quietly. I had never had very many friends in my life. I always felt like the odd one out at school, the boy who no one wanted to be partners with in physical education.
"How old are you?" Michelle asked. She put her light brown hair behind her ears and stared at me intently. She had very dark brown eyes. I was thankful when her eyes didn't send me into a painful memory. Strange things were always triggering my memory lapses.
"Eight, I'll be nine soon though," I said.
"I'm ten, I'll be eleven soon," she said, "I came here last year because I tried to kill myself, I jumped off the roof three times in a row,"
I stared at her in shock. She seemed proud of the fact she was in a mental institution. She wasn't ashamed of being suicidal. I didn't want to tell her that I had sent my last doctor to the emergency room during our first visit.
"Okay," was all I said. She stared at me for a moment, waiting for me to tell her my story. I didn't say anything.
"It's okay if you don't want to tell me why you're here, I understand," she said. But she looked disappointed. I felt bad for not telling her but I just didn't want to yet. I could barely tell the doctor my past yet.
"You're shy aren't you?" she asked, "I'm not,"
"I know," I said quietly.
"Do you think I'm talking too much? I'll stop if you want me to," she said.
"No, it's okay," I said. At least if I was listening to Michelle talking then I wouldn't have to listen to the voices that told me that I was Devil's Spawn and as long as I was looking at Michelle's brown hair and brown eyes, I wouldn't have to remember Carrie's blond hair and blue eyes.
Michelle continued to talk for the whole thirty minutes I had for recreation time. I found out that she had two sisters named Nicole and Patricia. She didn't like Patricia very much because she was always perfect and her parents thought Michelle should be just like her. She told me she loved chocolate ice cream but not chocolate bars. She could live off of chocolate ice cream bologna she said.
When Rufus came back to get me I was disappointed. I didn't want to go back to my room to be alone for the rest of the day. I was sick of being alone all the time. I wanted to go home and sleep in my bed. I wanted to tell Penny that I loved her even though she wasn't my real mother. I wanted to tell her that you don't have to be someone's real mother to take care of them. Cathy knew that. I wanted to see my favourite pony Spunky and tell him everything that had happened. I wanted Craig to teach me to ride one of the bigger horses.
I didn't know if I would even get to see Penny again. She said she would visit, but I had been there during to drive here, it was a long drive. Maybe Craig would tell her I wasn't worth it. I hoped he loved me as much as I loved him. I wanted him to spend time with me, we hadn't been together very long and now I had to leave them.
In my room there was a plate with a sandwich on whole wheat bread with one piece of ham on it. There was no butter or mayonnaise. But I ate it anyway. I could handle eating things I didn't really like as long as it wasn't Chris' blood.
"Chris!" I cried out loud. I remembered the man's name. The one who loved us all so much and loved Cathy so well.
He had blond hair and blue eyes like the rest of us. I hoped that I would look like him when I got older. He liked to read; he knew everything. That was what Carrie and I thought. We thought he had the answers to everything.
I slept in the bed by the window with him. He protected me and Cathy and Carrie too.
I lay down on the bed and closed my eyes. All this remembering was beginning to get overwhelming. I never knew when it would happen or if it would be good or bad. Maybe the few good memories were worth the price of the bad memories.
Why couldn't Chris come and save me form this place? I knew he could tell me what I wouldn't remember. Everything would be fine if I could see Chris again. Would I ever see Chris, Cathy and Carrie again?
"What is your first memory?" Dr. Chambers asked. She was leaned back in her chair and she had a pad and a pen poised to write.
I hesitated. I didn't know if she wanted my first memory ever or my first memory that I had about my life before Penny and Craig.
"Your fist memory of your entire life," she verified, as if she could read my mind.
"Um, well I remember playing going on a train with some other people in the middle of the night," I said.
"Is that all you remember about the trip, that you were with other people?" she asked, she was scribbling on her pad as she asked me this, she didn't even look up when she spoke to me. This all felt so impersonal.
"I only remember being on a train at night with other people," I said.
"How old were you?" she asked.
"I don't know,"
"How do you know this is your first memory?" she asked, she looked up at me.
"I just know," I said. In my head I knew this was my first memory because I was happy with the people on the train. I couldn't remember being that happy for any amount of time since that train ride. But I wasn't going to tell that to Dr. Chambers yet.
"Your records say that you have been having delusions of someone your call the Grandmother and some other people," she said.
"Carrie and Cathy, I don't know that man's name, he was always with Cathy," I said. I stopped myself from telling her that Cathy was like a mother to me.
"Okay," she scribbled some more. I sat there and played with the fabric that was coming off the arm of the chair. Dr. Chambers' forehead was crinkled as she stared intently at her pad and wrote furiously. I didn't think I had said that much, but she flipped the page over and started writing on the other side.
"What.What are you writing?" I asked timidly.
"Just some ideas," she said. It sounded like an orchestrated answer. Like she said it to all the patients that wanted to know what she was writing.
She opened her mouth to say something when the phone rang shrilly. She sighed and answered it.
"Adrienne Chambers," she said formally, "Oh no, okay, yes, I'll be right there," she hung up the phone and stood up. She glanced at me and with what seemed like an after thought said,
"Rufus will come and take you back to your room, I'll see you in a couple days, hopefully by then you will be in a more comfortable room," she said. She left the room before I could even say anything.
Rufus was there in a matter of seconds. It was as if he was waiting for Dr. Chambers to call for help. How strange it was for a grown man to think and eight year old boy who was small for his age could be a danger to someone.
Rufus didn't speak as he dragged me to a room I had never seen before. There were a few people inside playing cards or watching the tiny black and white television.
"You will have your recreation time for a half and hour, I will come to take you to your room for lunch," he said. He took out a ring of keys and unlocked the door to the room. I couldn't believe they even locked you in the recreation room. It was like they were saying, have fun, or else.
The door was locked behind me and I watched Rufus lumber away the light glinting off his black hair.
I went to the couch and sat down. The lady beside me didn't look at me or even move. I looked at her for a second and noticed a thin line of drool snaking down her chin. Her eyes were unfocused and staring at the TV. There were two men playing cards. But after watching them for a moment I saw that they were just taking turns putting their cards in the pile in the center of the table.
"Exciting recreation room huh?" a voice said. I turned around to find a girl who looked a little older than me standing by the couch.
I nodded.
The girl glanced at the old woman and said, "Want to use the clay with me?" she asked.
I nodded again and got up to follow her over to the flimsy table that held the cracked and dried out chunks of clay. I say down and picked up a piece. It was hard as a rock.
"This stuff has been here since I got her a year ago," the girl said, "I'm Michelle,"
"I'm Cory," I said quietly. I had never had very many friends in my life. I always felt like the odd one out at school, the boy who no one wanted to be partners with in physical education.
"How old are you?" Michelle asked. She put her light brown hair behind her ears and stared at me intently. She had very dark brown eyes. I was thankful when her eyes didn't send me into a painful memory. Strange things were always triggering my memory lapses.
"Eight, I'll be nine soon though," I said.
"I'm ten, I'll be eleven soon," she said, "I came here last year because I tried to kill myself, I jumped off the roof three times in a row,"
I stared at her in shock. She seemed proud of the fact she was in a mental institution. She wasn't ashamed of being suicidal. I didn't want to tell her that I had sent my last doctor to the emergency room during our first visit.
"Okay," was all I said. She stared at me for a moment, waiting for me to tell her my story. I didn't say anything.
"It's okay if you don't want to tell me why you're here, I understand," she said. But she looked disappointed. I felt bad for not telling her but I just didn't want to yet. I could barely tell the doctor my past yet.
"You're shy aren't you?" she asked, "I'm not,"
"I know," I said quietly.
"Do you think I'm talking too much? I'll stop if you want me to," she said.
"No, it's okay," I said. At least if I was listening to Michelle talking then I wouldn't have to listen to the voices that told me that I was Devil's Spawn and as long as I was looking at Michelle's brown hair and brown eyes, I wouldn't have to remember Carrie's blond hair and blue eyes.
Michelle continued to talk for the whole thirty minutes I had for recreation time. I found out that she had two sisters named Nicole and Patricia. She didn't like Patricia very much because she was always perfect and her parents thought Michelle should be just like her. She told me she loved chocolate ice cream but not chocolate bars. She could live off of chocolate ice cream bologna she said.
When Rufus came back to get me I was disappointed. I didn't want to go back to my room to be alone for the rest of the day. I was sick of being alone all the time. I wanted to go home and sleep in my bed. I wanted to tell Penny that I loved her even though she wasn't my real mother. I wanted to tell her that you don't have to be someone's real mother to take care of them. Cathy knew that. I wanted to see my favourite pony Spunky and tell him everything that had happened. I wanted Craig to teach me to ride one of the bigger horses.
I didn't know if I would even get to see Penny again. She said she would visit, but I had been there during to drive here, it was a long drive. Maybe Craig would tell her I wasn't worth it. I hoped he loved me as much as I loved him. I wanted him to spend time with me, we hadn't been together very long and now I had to leave them.
In my room there was a plate with a sandwich on whole wheat bread with one piece of ham on it. There was no butter or mayonnaise. But I ate it anyway. I could handle eating things I didn't really like as long as it wasn't Chris' blood.
"Chris!" I cried out loud. I remembered the man's name. The one who loved us all so much and loved Cathy so well.
He had blond hair and blue eyes like the rest of us. I hoped that I would look like him when I got older. He liked to read; he knew everything. That was what Carrie and I thought. We thought he had the answers to everything.
I slept in the bed by the window with him. He protected me and Cathy and Carrie too.
I lay down on the bed and closed my eyes. All this remembering was beginning to get overwhelming. I never knew when it would happen or if it would be good or bad. Maybe the few good memories were worth the price of the bad memories.
Why couldn't Chris come and save me form this place? I knew he could tell me what I wouldn't remember. Everything would be fine if I could see Chris again. Would I ever see Chris, Cathy and Carrie again?
