Now, Hard-up Hall is very close to the palace of the King and Queen, and our King and Queen had a son, a Prince, who was learning what it's like when your dreams don't come true.
Well, one day he was walking in the woods, talking to his closest friend and faithful servant, Dandini.
"Don't try to make me feel better, I'm the laughing stock of the country, I must be! Every romance I've had has ended in disaster, and now my father is insisting that I marry so he can retire and play snooker."
"Don't be too hard on yourself. I wouldn't say you were the laughing stock, exactly…"
"Dandini, we've been friends too long for you to fool me. I've noticed people laughing uproariously and then stopping suddenly when I approach. What are they saying?"
"Well… they do think you've been a bit unlucky in your choice of… girlfriends…"
"Unlucky! Ha!"
"And then, people do exaggerate…"
"But what do they say? Dandini, I order you to tell me."
"Well, they don't exactly say it, Milord. Most recently, they've been singing it."
We are loyal to our royals
But we're going off the boil
And we fear the prince will never
Wear the crown
We pray he finds a lady
But on every date he's made he's
Left her high and dry and
Let his country down, down, down,
On every date he's let his country down
Once there was a lady
The daughter of an alderman
She used a fireman's ladder
To climb the palace walls;
"She knocked upon my shutters,
But when I pushed to open it
I heard a distant whimper…
And she wasn't there at all!"
We are loyal to our royals
But we're going off the boil
And we fear the prince will never
Wear the crown
We pray he finds a lady
But on every date he's made he's
Left her high and dry and
Let his country down, down, down,
On every date he's let his country down
Another had a father
Whose heart was with his dairy cows
He sent his milk-maid daughter of
Her charms he felt quite sure;
"But how could I marry
A princess wearing wellingtons,
A princess wearing wellies…
Who smells of cow manure!"
We are loyal to our royals
But we're going off the boil
And we fear the prince will never
Wear the crown
We pray he finds a lady
But on every date he's made he's
Left her high and dry and
Let his country down, down, down,
On every date he's let his country down
"Well, old friend, it's just a laugh for them, but it's the real thing for me, I'm afraid. My father the king is insisting that I marry by the New Year whether I like it or not."
"Well, you're bound to be able to find someone…"
"All the women of the court want to marry a prince, but none of them are really interested in me at all."
"Of course they're interested in you. But you can't separate being a prince form the rest of who you are."
"And why not? Why not!"
"Oh! Oh no! Not another one of your royal hare-brained ideas, please!"
"Listen, what if you and I were to change clothes, so I could be Dandini looking for a bride! Then I'd know for sure, wouldn't I?"
"This will just be another escapade that will go down in infamy, isn't it…"
"Nonsense! What's the harm?"
And so they exchanged clothes and began to plan how they would find a bride for Prince Charming.
Well, as they strolled through the wood, talking and laughing, they came upon a young girl and her servant, carrying the shopping home from the market. And do you know who they were? Yes, me and Cinderella! We were surprised, I can tell you – ordinary people don't often bump into kings and queens and princes, you know. They asked her who we were and where we were going, and she was as polite as she could be, but I didn't much like the way she was staring at that Mr Dandini – or, he at her. It was only much later that we discovered that who we thought was Dandini was really the prince, and that the pompous smart alec of a prince was really Dandini, putting on an act! Anyway, after an embarrassing couple of minutes staring and stammering at each other, I managed to drag Cinderella off home.
