"The Breath of God"
part 5
a Weib Kreuz fic by Mirrordance
don't own anyone.
Plot: When Ken dies, an angel gives him the chance to take over someone else's body to live again…
Ken's P.O.V.
I was starting to get used to waking up in different states each time I opened my eyes.
But the first indication that I was sure I was Ran came from when I raised my hands and looked at them. Ran had delicate hands that could have belonged to a woman.
Like before, I took my shower and brought myself down to breakfast, where there was no one.
Today was going to be a busy day. Ran had a lot of…um…issues. At least, much more defined ones than, say, Yoji's or Omi's. That means I'll have a lot to do, and a really short time to do it.
I set the table, and brought out a typical Ken-breakfast; one I was sure I wouldn't be able to screw up: cereal. I bought milk yesterday anyway. Besides, the only one who would know about yesterday morning's conversation was me and Ran, and he wasn't around today.
Omi trudged down to breakfast soon afterwards, and mulled over his cereal.
"What's wrong?" I asked, then when he looked at me in surprise I suddenly remembered I was Ran, therefore supposedly up in my Ivory Tower.
But he answered anyway.
"I have a date with this girl Friday
night," he replied, "you know, one of those I couldn't remember
making? But there's this other girl I want to take instead"
Ha, ha! GOAL!
Welcome to High School, Omi.
Yoji followed soon afterwards. He was NOT a morning person, and his mood was even more sour than usual.
"Omi, did you touch my watch?" he asked, the moment he sat down.
"No, why?" asked Omi.
"Never mind" he growled, diving into his cereal. Ran, of course, would not be accused of anything. I'm loving this already.
We had a silent few minutes, along which I was wishing I would be me again, seated on this table with all of them.
Yoji having a bad morning (which could be equated to a normal morning for him), Omi despairing over schoolwork. Ran brooding. I wonder what I contributed to the atmosphere in their heads.
"Oh, by the way," omi said, "You told me to remind you of your late lunch date today"
"I did?" asked Yoji.
"Yeah"
"If you say so"
"Yoji, listen" said Omi, "are you going to stand her up?"
"Come on, kid," moaned Yoji, mockingly insulted.
"You know me better than that.
I don't stand anyone up"
Omi rolled back his eyes. "Yoji, let me remind you.
I don't know the story very well, but I'm sure Ken-kun wouldn't
appreciate you hurting that girl"
"What girl?"
"Yoji…"
"I'm, serious. What girl?"
"Yuriko," said Omi,
"you told me your date was with a girl named Yuriko, and I don't know any
other Yuriko. You told me to tell you
you're supposed to pick her up at noon at her apartment"
Yoji
blinked. "I don't remember doing
something like that. I mean…I wouldn't!
She's…she's…"
Ken's girl, Yoji. Say it. She's my girl.
"Ken's" I filled out for him, not able to restrain myself.
"Exactly," Yoji agreed vehemently with 'Ran.'
"You are standing her up!" Omi accused.
"She's a different case!" Yoji defended himself, "I don't even remember
arranging this!"
"You are not standing anyone
up" I told him decisively, in my best imitation of Ran on a bad day. Yoji wouldn't like
it, but he'll follow me anyway. Besides,
this way I'm sure Yuriko is 'safe;' he wouldn't touch her, but wouldn't
disappoint her either by not appearing.
Yoji sighed. "Fine. I got myself into this, I'll get myself out. It's not like I'm gonna marry her or anything, right? It's just a date. What harm could it do?"
Omi left for school.
Soon afterwards, Yoji left for his date with my girl.
This was more difficult than I first thought. I convinced myself yesterday that she was beyond my reach…her being alive and my being dead being quite a gap, there. But now here I am.
Where that is, exactly, I'm not sure. All I know is that I'm very, very, very nervous about how Yoji's 'date' is going to turn out.
I was supposed to man the shop all by my lonesome, when an image of Yuriko's beaming face flashed into my mind, and like some demon I shooed away our customers (scant though they were, as peak-hours were later during the day) and closed down the shop.
I walked around town (since Ran's car would have been too conspicuous), my legs taking me to Yoji's haunts, knowing he would be taking her somewhere familiar to him. He did that, when he was nervous. Like a measure of control. That's why he likes the same girls, likes the same places. Why women would find him exciting is just beyond me…
Or no, not really. I'm being unfair and I'm being paranoid. And it's not as if I wasn't the one who did all this.
True enough, I found the two of them smiling at each other over…guess what? Coffee.
So this is from an uninterested guy, right?
I grabbed a table behind a counter, where I could see them but they couldn't possibly see me. From how the two of them looked, they couldn't possibly be seeing anyone but each other.
I must have been glowering (and Ran's glowers were the best, most effective glowers), as no waitress was coming to take my order, and I was starting to get glances from people.
Heaving a sigh, a relaxed myself.
Ran was going to strangle me when he finds out the indignities I've been putting his body through. Spying. He'll kick my ass.
A shapely blonde stopped by my table, carrying her coffee cup, having moved from her own table.
"Mind if I…?"
"Feel free" I said,
smiling uncertainly at her, then shifting my gaze back
to Yoji and Yuriko.
Hell, even their names go together.
"You like her too, huh?" the girl asked, her voice breaking into my murderous thoughts.
I held my temper in check. Damn. Maybe being inside Ran's body was like, inheriting all that rage too.
I ignored her question and called for a waitress to give me a cup of black coffee. I'll be staying for awhile, as long as they are.
"All the handsome men in the world seem to be taken" she said melodramatically. "Look at you. And that man who's with your lady"
I ran my hands across my face, wishing she would just go away. But sitting here alone might have seemed weird. Thank God women found Ran so good-looking they risked being the center of his cold eyes just so they could get close to him.
I focused on her, so she wouldn't get ticked off and leave me here alone with my…um…preoccupations.
"Got a name?" I asked her.
"Lindsay," she replied. "You?"
"Ran" I answered.
Her eyes twinkled. "Well at least we're getting
somewhere. I was starting to wonder if
you could talk"
Old line, but nothing could have
suited Ran better.
"I'm not really this brash, you know?" she said, "I don't just walk up to guys I don't know all the time"
"Oh, yeah?" I asked, though I wasn't really paying attention anymore. Yuriko just laughed at something Yoji said.
"It's just that…" she droned on and on and on, "you've got this quality about you. Something animal-like"
That brought me back to her. Ran would have loved to hear this.
"Something restless," she
continued, "even if you look so calm.
A rebel with regal features. My mother would have hated you for me, but
wanted you for herself. Very few men
look like that"
"Um…thanks"
Dear God, this was a terrible
afternoon.
I had precious few hours left alive as Ran and I was spending it with a girl who was so weird it completely overshadowed her impeccable features, while watching the love of my life getting hooked with Yoji, the master of all things that concerned women.
Damn, he's smooth. I'm never smooth.
Sooner than I thought, I watched as Yoji and Yuriko got up from their table and start to leave. My table was near the damn door!
Horrified, I frantically searched for an escape route, and eventually found no other discourse than to fall on all fours and hide under the table until I heard their laugh-tinged voices fade away.
I dusted myself off and got up.
People were looking at me as if I were crazy.
Maybe I was.
"You're obsessed!" Lindsay spat out, getting up and leaving me there all alone.
I felt my/Ran's cheeks flushing.
Then in a sudden change of moods I realized how ridiculous I…no, how ridiculous Ran must have looked. I couldn't help it. I started laughing.
He was really, really, really going to kick my ass for sure.
I lost Yoji and Yuriko, assumed he'd take her back to her apartment by now so I strolled out of the coffee shop and headed back home.
On my way, I was not so bothered by the thought of them dating that I missed the stares that people were giving me/Ran.
Men were looking with envy, women with longing.
I wondered if Ran, who would have been submitted to this kind of attention for all of his life, was used to it by now.
Probably. Though he tried to set himself apart from minor concerns, I'm pretty sure Ran is more vain than he lets on. I mean, check out those tails. Impractical as hell. And damned if he isn't just slightly aloof.
Well, women liked that, I guess.
Women liked mysterious guys as much as they liked smooth guys such as Yoji, my uninterested friend, or maybe cute ones like Omi. Guys like me, the goody-goody ones who'll love you forever and marry you and take care of your children and teach them soccer and take them to games got ignored, or in my case, forgotten.
Like a predator, I waited in the building until Yoji came in, looking both troubled and elated all at once. I was too preoccupied to open the shop and run it well, so I hadn't bothered.
"Why are we closed?" he asked me.
My eyes narrowed in irritation as I took in his flushed face. And there was a trace of lipstick there, against his cheek. Very subtle, as Yuriko didn't need to use much. But I could see it as if it were a bold red.
"What harm could it do, huh?" I asked bitterly.
He looked away, his jaw set and his posture rigid. "I liked her more than I thought. Or maybe I've always liked her and that's why I wanted to stay away. But I'm here now, Ran. And I like her. I'm too far gone"
"If this is just one of your flings--"
"Damn it," his palm slammed on the counter, "is that really what you think this is?"
I stared at him. No. That wasn't what I thought it was, and maybe that's why I'm so mad. Yuriko was going to be loving someone else.
"She was Ken's--" I said brokenly.
"I know that!" snapped Yoji, running his hands through his hair in frustration, "I wish to God I didn't, but I do. And I'd have things different, but this is it. He's dead. He died for me and I end up taking his girl. Do you know how that makes me feel?"
"But you'll still take her, wouldn't you?" I asked icily, this vengeful part in my head imagining me taking over Yoji's body…
"Yes, if she would have me," said Yoji, "Ken was my friend. And I have so few. But I think he would want all of us to be happy"
Dear God.
Dear God.
"He's dead, Ran" Yoji said flatly, pushing those signature sunglasses up his face, a fetish I recognized now when his eyes watered.
"I wish it were me instead," said Yoji, "So he could be here and be with her. I've thought about it, you know. I really have. Yuriko makes me happy. I think I make her happy too. In the end that's what really matters, isn't it? I think I've finally figured it out. Nothing's a waste if you take it while God offers it to you"
I remembered that night he was drunk and said everything was a waste. Well. I guess I was wrong when I said I hadn't done anything for Yoji. I set him up with a terrific girl.
"I'm sorry," I told him quietly, "I'm sorry. It's just that…It's--" I trailed off, not knowing what else to say. But I think he understood that he had my blessing anyway.
"I'm sorry too," he said quietly. And for a fleeting moment there, I could have sworn he knew it was me he was speaking to. Or maybe he whispered it to the heavens and it addressed me somehow, and not Ran's body.
I was getting what I wanted. My friends were moving on without me. I was dead. That was fact and past but they had Now to live for. It was more painful than I thought it might be, but this was the way of things.
I walked quietly up the steps that led to our apartments. This was probably going to be my last day here, and I wanted to just walk around and…and…be here. That was a funny thought. All my life I've been wanting to be someone else, somewhere else. And here I couldn't seem to let go.
I stopped by an open door. There shouldn't have been anything spectacular about that, but it was My open door. Ken Hidaka's open door.
Aya-chan was there.
She was up on tiptoes, trying to reach some things on one of the racks that I filled with trophies and figurines and things like that.
It was the first time I've been to my room since I came back, and for some reason, it didn't surprise me to find that everything was where I left them.
My eyes shifted to the discarded clothes draped carelessly on one of the chairs. I did that, when I dressed in my work clothes before that fateful mission.
It was a mess in here.
It made me chuckle, a bit sadly, but a laugh's a laugh, I guess.
That caught her attention, and a stunned Aya focused her attention at me. On her hands was a rag and some polish.
"Ran!" she exclaimed, surprised. "I didn't hear you come in"
I stepped into my room, and though she had that stubborn, determined look on her face, she unconsciously stepped back, making me stop in my tracks and wonder what it was she had to fear from her own brother.
"What are you doing here?" I asked quietly.
Her eyes shifted away from mine, and her answers came in swift babble. "I knew you told me not to come, but I wanted to anyway. We've got this break and…I missed you. Anyway, that explains why I'm here in the shop. Um…I guess what you're really wondering about is what I'm doing in Kenken's room"
My heart softened at the nickname. The endearment hit home, in my sentimental mood.
"I know you're angry," she
said, "because you told us not to touch anything or move anything in
here. But well…it's been more than a
week, Ran. I miss him too, but it won't
do any of us any good if this place isn't cleaned up. I just polished some of the trophies, I put
everything back where I got it, I wasn't even going to move anything else but
that--"
I silenced her by stepping forward
and giving her a hug that just stunned her.
But I felt her slender arms wrap reassuringly around me too.
I was surprised that the crazy Fujimiyas cared that way. Ran, not wanting anyone to touch anything that had been mine, wanting to keep everything where I had left them. And his sister, whose mind worked in the opposite direction but cared enough to pick up after me just the same.
"I'm happy you're here," I whispered into her hair, knowing Ran would have thought it, but not say it aloud. I'll do him the favor this time. "I won't always get to say it, but you should know that"
"I do," she told me simply.
"But there are some things you have to understand," I told her, "it's not that easy anymore. There are people who could hurt you"
She pulled away and looked me in the eye, teasing.
"You'll protect me, wouldn't
you?"
That was the bottom-line, wasn't
it? Ran's
great fear.
"Not as much as I would want to," I told her truthfully.
Her eyes searched mine, before she tore them away. Her eyes were like her brothers; keen and shamelessly searching. Maybe she knew it wasn't her brother in here. Maybe not.
"You might be surprised to
know," she teased again, "that I grew up. I do that, you know? I can take care of
myself"
"I bet you could," I told
her, matching her mood.
A comfortable silence followed, that had me looking around my room. No matter what happens now, no matter who I'll end up becoming, no one who owns these things will be coming home here anymore.
"I don't know if you ever noticed
it," said Aya playfully, "that I always had
a crush among your friends. I think I
changed my mind on who I wanted to marry every other day"
I looked at her, genuinely
surprised.
"Don't look at me like that!" she said with a laugh, a blush creeping up on her cheeks, "almost every girl around here liked at least one of you. Do you think I'm abnormal?"
I guess I just never thought about it.
I watched as her hands ran along my wall, absently.
"Ken was something else," she said, eyes misting a little,
though her lips were curled in a smile. "Always so nice, always so clumsy. He looks after people, but couldn't look
after himself, could he?"
I looked at my messy room. Oh, yeah.
"Thought I'd look after him this time. He'll never know it, of course, but…maybe I'm doing this for myself" she said, her brows furrowing in thought.
I laughed a little at that. He knows, Aya-chan. And he's eternally grateful.
I walked over to the chair, and started gathering the dirty clothes.
"What are you doing?" she asked, appalled.
"This place needs cleaning up," I said, "Ken was a slob"
Ran might not have wanted anyone to move anything. But this was my lair. These are my things.
Everything useful is going inside boxes and going to charity. They surely aren't doing anyone any good lying around here.
Cleaning up in my room was like packaging my life in boxes.
Almost everything reminded me of something that I had liked about it. The memories were overwhelming, and Aya, as if sensing somehow that this moment belonged to me alone, left me to fix the room myself.
I didn't think I'd cry about my own death. That seemed so damn self-absorbed.
But I made that mistake of leafing through the photographs.
I had made up my mind, hadn't I? I wasn't going to stay anymore. This was me, saying goodbye.
The tears stopped, eventually, as they were wont to do, but I kept on packaging practically everything in sight.
I was nearly through when Omi stopped by the door, looking thoughtfully at my handiwork, his bag still slung over one shoulder as he had just come home from school.
"It's about time," he said quietly, "but I wish you waited for me. I could have helped"
There was an image of that in my mind. My friends in my room, cleaning it of everything that had been me. No, that would have been too much. This was much better. I just said goodbye and no one knew it but me.
I looked around, noted that the room looked as if no one's ever lived there, save for the few things that I knew would be useless to charity and hadn't packed in. That included various trophies, as well as framed photographs. Even the bedcovers and the pillows have been boxed.
Yoji appeared by the door too, and looked at the sight.
I…Ran, I mean, must have looked like a sorry guy, sitting in the middle of boxes.
"You okay?" Yoji asked, when I got up to my feet and shook out the cramps.
I gave him a smile. "Yes."
And as inane as it might have sounded, I actually told him the truth.
I was okay. We all were.
We had a nice dinner.
I found some money in my piggy bank when I was cleaning up my room and decided that pizza delivery tonight would be Ken's treat.
Aya had stayed with us, and snuggled close to my arm as we sat through a video of the Blair Witch Project.
When night came and I was alone, I decided I wouldn't sleep.
I usually changed bodies come midnight, at the start of a new day. And I wanted to be wide-awake at that point, so I would know exactly when I had changed.
I blinked my eyes, and when they next opened, I was in that place again, with Mr. Angel Guy watching me.
"I've decided I won't take over anyone," I told him at once.
"I know"
I laugh a bit. "Well? I made the right, moral choice. Isn't everything supposed to be fine now? Like I wake up and everything was a dream after all? Or you take me back to the time when I made my mistake so I can start over? That's what happens in the movies."
"Sorry, but no," he told me with a slight, apologetic smile.
"I thought so"
"You've really made up your mind, huh?" he asked, puffing on his cigarette.
"Yeah"
"I think I've figured you out," he told me.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," he replied,
"From the get-go you never agreed to this so you could replace anyone of
them. You worried me a bit, but I should
have known you'd just take the opportunity to help 'em
out"
"About time you found out," I
joked.
"Actually, I figured you out
after that first one," he said, looking proud of himself.
"Then why did you let me keep
going?"
"I just let you do whatever
the hell you wanted."
"Aren't you supposed to watch
your mouth?" I asked with a startled laugh.
"Hell,
yeah"
A comfortable silence.
"So…ah… what happens now?" I ask him.
"I get you under my wing--"
"Cool. An angel joke."
"--and train you to be one of
us," he said, deliberately ignoring my remark, "I have a feeling
you'll fit in just fine around here."
"I think so too," I smirked, "At least…I'll be sure not to botch up my first mission, having a first-hand experience of the adverse effects"
He laughed, before looking a little thoughtful.
"So. What was it like?"
"What?" I ask.
"Living. Living again?"
"Surreal. Both of 'em,"
I answer, "Kind of like this, but better, more precious. That's because it won't last for very long so
you do all sorts of things to make the short time worthwhile"
"If you could come back, even for just a day, what would you do?" he asked me.
"Come back as me?" I ask back.
"Yeah," he answers.
"I guess most people would say goodbye properly, wouldn't they?"
"But not you, huh?" he says,
looking smug again. Well, if I were that
perceptive I'd be damn triumphant-looking all the time too.
"Nope, not me," I
confirm, "I'll just come back and do what I've always done. Wake up early and take a jog. Have breakfast with my friends. Man the shop for a few hours. Ride my bike, go to an arcade, watch a game…though I'd hide out from the kids, of course, 'cos I'd freak them out.
I don't know about going on a mission, but…well. I guess it was a pretty good life, after
all. Despite
everything. I think I may have
found that out a little too late"
"Maybe"
"You gonna send me back?" I ask, holding my excitement.
"For a day"
"That's good," I say, smiling uncontrollably. "But send me on a Sunday, so everyone's home"
I did go back on a Sunday, and damn if I didn't stun my friends into wide-eyed, gaping-mouthed reactions.
I just sat there when each of them came down to breakfast.
They were, of course, wondering if they had lost their minds. When I told them they hadn't and they finally believed me, they were filled with prying questions.
When they asked me if I was the one who had caused them all these chaotic things they don't recall getting into, I told them that…ahem…it's a long story and we don't have much time.
True to what I had said, I spent the day doing exactly what I've grown accustomed to. But more restrained, of course, as there were people who would not have understood nor accepted my return from the dead as my friends did.
It was the best day of my life, and it was in doing something I've always done. That's the funny part. Maybe it's just a state of mind after all.
The three of them stayed up with me until midnight came and I had to leave them a second time, but I felt a whole lot better this time around, and I'm sure so did they.
I returned to Heaven and trained to be an angel… it sounds a little crazy, but believe me it was no walk in the park, and I've been told it only gets more hectic the moment I'm given someone to look after. But I did have a chance to look into Earth once in awhile. Mostly to go see what my teammates have been doing.
I was there when Yoji was in a panic attack over what to wear and where to take Yuriko out for that fateful second date; a rare occurrence for the flamboyant playboy. I was there when Omi got caught two-timing twins, which was something he didn't really mean to do, except he couldn't tell them apart. I was there when Ran and Aya-chan had another spat, this time because he didn't like her perspective prom date. I watch over them once in awhile when they go on missions too. But mostly when they aren't.
I'm ver happy to see that they now have things to live for, and that a lot of them have come from me. But I do think that I'm the real lucky one…they gave me something that was so great I was willing to die for it.
Themselves.
Friends, that is.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, I wish to God you'll find out soon.
There's nothing in the universe that could make living--or dying too, for that matter, more worthwhile than that.
THE END
October 13, 2000
This is the first fic I ever posted (note: not the first I ever wrote for weiss kreuz), so it may have less of a quality than the others that would follow it, for which I apologize. But it has a lot of heart, and I hope that at least got through :) thank you for reading :)
NOTES:
Did that seem somewhat anticlimactic? Sorry. But, well, my mind was in a rush as I just got a new idea and wanted to finish this one. If there are any grammatical errors, sorry, I get like that when I write whatever pops into my head. If anyone spots any plot holes, please tell me. And tell me what you think!
The line about a person not dying all at once came from the film "Simon Birch." That, as well as that part where I wrote Ken as wanting to be wide-awake so he could spot the exact moment when he had changed, which was a modified version of another thing said in that movie, about wanting to remember all the details of the day so he would know when exactly his life had changed.
The smoking angel was inspired by a smoking angel from a film called "We Never Danced." My nameless angel looks nothing like that one, though.
The plot was inspired by two other films: the plot of a Mandarin (I think) film called "Fly Me To Polaris" and a Warren Beaty film which could have been entitled "Heaven Can Wait." I integrated all the parts that I liked about them all to make what is "The Breath of God."
The title means two things: first, the Breath of God is law, the way that things are supposed to be. The Bible also uses the term frequently to refer to the soul.
I'm sorry if some people may find some things not quite right about the characterization, but I do hope it's a reasonably good read.
Also, I had to put a touch of humanity here with the characters. Like, Ken wasn't completely noble as he nearly wanted to take over Yoji. I guess I couldn't believe that a hero was a hero until he is met by a great challenge. I mean, I keep thinking back that even the invincible superman has his kryptonite, right? Its like, how could a person be brave if he has no fears to face?
Oh, and Yoji who was feeling all bad and everything eventually gave into going for his own happiness, which is why, despite his earlier guilt, went for Yuriko anyway.
What Ken said about the best day of his life was in doing something he has always done and that kind of happiness being a state of mind is something I truly believe in. A novel by Lois McMaster Bujold says that "Meaning is what you give to things, not what you take from them." If you perceive your life as something great, then just maybe it is.
Apart from those movies, several things inspired me into writing this, and if you want that poignant post-movie feeling when the credits start to roll, I suggest you listen to Plumb's "Stranded," and if you can tear your mind away from "Space Jam," long enough, Monica's "For You I will." I get taken by stuff like that.
If there are any questions, I would love to answer them. And comments are always welcome!
