Loony Labyrinth
A CO WRITTEN FIC
Note: This is a semi satirical piece, seriousness has been thrown right out the window, sensibility has been let run free in the back yard, and deep research has been exchanged for a handful of Labyrinth viewings (Just incase we forgot something from the thirty five million other viewings) another listen to the CD, and another look through the Goblin lovers companion. Sit back and enjoy the ride ;)
Dedication: This story was 'inspired' by the great many other Labyrinth fan fictions about, and the severe lack of anything remotely resembling humor, taste, intelligence, thought or talent therein, so we dedicate this fan fiction to all those talent less drones. Thank you, all you unimaginative people, for helping us gather inspiration for a project that has turned out to be quite enjoyable, for fueling something that has now snowballed into a monster with a mind of it's own, and for giving us someone to heap shit on.
Warning: If you are a sensitive or easily offended person, are fond of the character Sarah, or anything like that you may not want to read this story. And if you are against homosexuality, other races, the Labyrinth or the band 'Queen' we may not want you reading this story. nIm
Disclaimer: Sarah, Hoggle, Jareth etc…are not our characters, just in case you were fooled into thinking that they were, in which case, you really shouldn't be here at all. They all belong to…who ever. Fizzy Cream and Sour Peppercorn are our characters, and the pictures belong to the talented hand of Sour Peppercorn, so don't go pinchin' them! Any resemblance to any persons, living or dead ISN'T OUR FAULT; go blame George Lucas, And Jim Henson (Bit hard, due to him being dead and all…)
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Enough of that crap… Story time!It was a gorgeous day at the insane asylum, and most of the non-tree eating patients were outside enjoying the sunshine. Sarah, however, was not enjoying any part of the day. She wandered the broad, green lawns, moping about her situation.
'I wish' she moaned, 'I wish I'd never even heard of the damn Labyrinth. I should have burned that book the moment I bought it.' The thought of never having bought the book in the first place never ventured into the airtight space of her mind. 'I should never have played with Jareth and his balls. But I did and no one believed me, not a single person.' she whined. Sarah had been sinking deeper and deeper into her personal pool of melancholy. Her descent had been accelerated by Hoggle's lack of response to her calls, and it had been months since his last visit. 'OH Hoggle, please if you can hear me. I need to talk to someone! PLEASE answer me!' She wailed.
'I'm really sorry Sarah.' A familiar, gravelly voice spoke to her. She whirled around and scooped the dwarf up into a tight hug.
'Breathe! Sarah I need to breathe!' He stuttered out urgently. She dropped him to the ground, apologizing profusely.
'Where have you been?!' She asked giddily. He opened her mouth to reply but something had distracted her attention. He followed her gaze across the lawn to two patients seated on worn, wooden benches beneath a large oak. The patients were acting oddly, but that was not what drew Sarah's scant attention towards them.
A brightly coloured creature sat on each of the patients' shoulders; both of who were dressed in a bizarre costume and were laughing hysterically, and were no more then half a foot tall.
'OK, ok.' Said one, recovering from her fit of laughter. 'On the count of three, we start our engines. One…two…THREE!'
On the word three, both creatures lent forward and bit the ear of their respective patients, the patients leapt from their seats making a bizarre whirring noise, before sticking their nose to the ground and running forward with a squeal; not unlike that of a pig.
The two creatures burst out laughing, leaping off the patient's shoulders, and slapping each other on the back and stamping their feet with glee.
'That's horrible!' Cried Sarah, running forward towards the creatures. Hoggle grabbed her by the wrist.
'Sarah…I wouldn't…'
The creatures looked up at the approaching human girl with interest, but then their eyes flicked to her dwarf companion.
'HOGGLE! MATE!!!' They greeted him loudly, bounding towards him, their fox-like tails flicking, and their fingers spread like talons. Hoggle covered his groin and chest hurriedly.
'No! No squirrel grips or nipple cripples today, please. I'm on some important business.' He told them sternly. This information seemed to amuse them, and they fell about laughing again.
Sarah shivered, there was something unsettling about the pair, the smiles, the laughs, they all had an eerie feeling about them.
'What's so funny?' Sarah said, pouting. Hoggle watched with disgust as the creatures rolled about on the grass.
'These are insanity sprites, another two of Jareth's servants.' Hoggle explained with scarcely veiled contempt, and a dismissive wave.
'We also dabble in chaos.' one of them said modestly, sitting up. Sarah noticed that the two were almost exactly the same in physical appearance and costume, in fact, almost mirror images, but almost total opposites of each other colour wise. The one who had just spoken seemed to orient her appearance around reds, oranges and yellows. The other, who seemed to prefer blues, purples and greens, stood up and looked her squarely in the eye.
'Sour Peppercorn, disgusted and repulsed to meet you.' She said with a curtsy.
'Fizzy Cream,' said the other as she brushed grass from her clothes, 'Also disgusted and mildly alarmed that someone like you can exist.' She said bowing elegantly.
'But…but I though sprites were supposed to be nice, and dance around on mushrooms or something.' Sarah protested. She withdrew slightly as the two sprites looked at each other and grinned wickedly.
'We can do that too.' Fizzy Cream said, casually running her hand over teeth marks in the oak's trunk. A silver flute-like instrument appeared in Sour Peppercorn's slim fingers, and she began playing a slightly discordant tune as Fizzy Cream waved her hand, and produced a large, red and white toadstool. Fizzy Cream leapt cheerfully up onto the toadstool and began to dance. The lawn filled with bizarre noises, Sarah screamed as one of the patients ran around her yapping like a dog, while another took Hoggle's photo with a paperclip.
'Stop it!' She cried, 'this isn't fair! You're music is hurting them!' The illusions vanished and the two sprites frowned at her as the mad activity died down.
'Doesn't hurt them…except if we want it to…' Sour Peppercorn told her. The sprite then turned to the nearest patient. 'Lime green flares!' Her victim ran headlong into a large elm tree, crashing into it with a wood-splitting thud.
'Stop!' Sarah screamed.
'See??' The sprite pointed out.
'And besides…not only is it funny, but it saves the hospital expensive brain surgery too' declared Fizzy Cream.
'That's horrible.' Sarah told them firmly.
'No.' Fizzy Cream corrected, 'That's Hoggle.' She finished, pointing at the dwarf. Sarah turned to Hoggle.
'Do you know them?' She asked huffily.
'Well… yes. That's why I'm 'ere.' Hoggle muttered, avoiding her gaze.
'Good! Get rid of these pests!' She said firmly. Hoggle scuffed his foot on the grass.
'I ain't supposed ta do that… I'm here for their… help….'
'WHAT?' Sarah cried, disappointment rushing over her. Hoggle cringed again.
'Now, don't get yer knickers in a twist. There's a reason.' He paused to take a breath. 'The King, Jareth has gone insane.' He told them in a hushed voice.
Sarah looked to her feet, not knowing what to say. The two sprites, however, let out a whoop of joy. Fizzy Cream hugged Sour Peppercorn, leaning heavily on her shoulder, and dabbed at her eyes with her sister's sleeve.
'I knew this day would come, but now it has…I…I just don't know what to say.' She said, overwhelmed with pride.
'This is the proudest day of my life!' Sour Peppercorn replied, after blowing her nose with a loud honking sound that caused several of the patients to sing, 'I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas' in a falsetto voice
Hoggle glared at them.
'The insanity is spreading though the whole Labyrinth.' He told them angrily. Sour Peppercorn clutched at her sister's arm. 'Did you hear that?!' She exclaimed dreamily.
Hoggle shook his head. 'I knew you'd react like this, and I guess, so did Jareth.' He said, pulling a letter from his pocket.
Fizzy Cream snatched it from him and torn it open. She stared at the letter blankly. Sour Peppercorn sighed heavily and took the letter from her sister, turned it the right way up and handed it back to her, before they both broke into fits of laughter.
'What does it say?' Sarah prompted. Sour Peppercorn lent over her sister's shoulder and cleared her throat. When she spoke it was with Jareth's voice.
Dear girls,
I believe I have caused an avalanche of problems. I can't say much right now, as things are getting worse by the minute. But I need your expertise, return to the castle immediately. Oh…and a chocolate puff would be nice…brown kippers are always best in summer, so take the north root to Alice Springs. Don't puddles eat, they'll bite your head from your feet.
Squeegee corn beef,
King Honk mess
The sprites were in hysterics by the last line, they fell to the ground, the laughter weakening their legs.
'As you can see.' A grim Hoggle pointed out, 'The insanity sets in quickly, so we must leave as soon as possible.' The sprites sat up, suddenly cured from their fits of laughter.
'You're not going to fix him are you?' Fizzy Cream asked sadly.
'We have to!' Sarah told her, 'He ordered you to help too.'
'Well, that's not going to happen, we like him better this way.' Sour Peppercorn told her coldly. 'And besides, he doesn't actually say he wants the problem fixed, does he? Just that he wants us to go and provide him with our…. specialist expertise, you might say.' Hoggle groaned.
'I thought you'd say that, so I brought one of His Majesty's more recent decrees.' He said, handing them another scroll.
Sour Peppercorn read it aloud again.
All little folk; including fairies, pixies and sprites, are hereby required to behave according to the rules set out in the 'happy-wonder-lovely-little-people-guild' requirements. Any activity promoting any discomfort or illness of physical, mental or social aspects of another being's well being is to be ceased at once. All little folk are required to attend nightly dances and happy dream making classes. Cloud decorating classes will be held at dawn every second day.
Signed by Fragmoth the Slimy, by the direct order of His Royal Highness, King Jareth.
'How wonderful!' Sarah squealed, clapping her hands. The sprites glared at her.
'This is horrific.'
'He must be stopped.' They said. Hoggle nodded.
'Well let's go.'
'Wait!' Sarah ordered. 'I'm coming to.' Hoggle turned to face her.
'You can't go. T' enter th' Labyrinth you have to wish someone away.' He explained.
'Well.' Sarah said, thinking as hard as her brain would allow. 'I could wish Toby away again. He's six now, I'm sure he'd love a holiday.' The sprites groaned and rolled their eyes.
'Holiday? Oh, no. Sarah this is chaos.' Hoggle explained, ignoring the yip from the sprites at the mention of chaos.
'Well I'll ask him.' She said, skipping away to the nurses' office, and more importantly towards a phone. Hoggle waited uncomfortably, shifting from one foot to the other. The sprites were apparently arguing about the race of the mental patients that they had started before:
'No,
no, no! Mine glued his nose to the wall, that counts as a false start.'
'It does not! The wall is 20 metres away from here, that's not a false start,
now had he caught a butterfly in his teeth…'
'I can't see the difference.'
Sarah bounded up to them like a happy puppy. 'He said it's OK, as long as I buy him a toy truck when it's over.' She squealed excitedly.
'Gullible child.' Sour Peppercorn muttered, 'Must be hereditary', Fizzy Cream nodded an agreement, but was busy attempting to tie Sarah's shoelaces together, before Hoggle shooed her away.
'OK, then.' Sarah said, eager to start. 'I wish the goblins would come and take Toby away right now!' she looked around nervously, only to see a great big nothing. She sighed, discouraged. She didn't notice a little goblin appear, but she jumped a mile when he cleared his throat loudly, and unrolled a large piece of paper.
'FRAGMOTH! MAAAAATE!' The sprites cried, bolting towards the goblin, their hands outstretched to grab the poor goblin by the groin.
'SQUIRRIL GRIP!' They cheered, as the goblin doubled over in pain. Sour Peppercorn grabbed the scroll and read hurriedly, grinning.
'You're in…let's go!'
