Ring Around The Rosie

An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa

Chapter Three

I don't want to look. I don't want to see. I know what it looks like. All dark and shadowy, and if I look close enough I could probably see a tiny head, maybe an arm, a leg, the round swell of a little tummy. Hearing the heart beat is enough. More than enough. I don't want to see, to wonder, to dream.

"Looks like eight weeks," Carter announces. I grit my teeth. I don't want to know! I hate the feel of the slimey gel on my stomach, and Carter looking, assuming things he couldn't even begin to know. I hate the undeniable reality. I am pregnant. A baby. My baby. Eight weeks. Two months. Inside me. Growing. Taking nourishment from me. Part of me.

I wonder what my mother felt when she found out she was pregnant. I can't picture her sitting on the exam table at the doctor's office, smiling her sweet smile, hearing the news. How do you tell a crazy woman she's pregnant? Do you offer alternatives, such as abortion, to save the child? My father must have been terrified, knowing there was a good chance she would pass her crazy genes on to the kid.

I can't do this. I can't. I just can't be a mother. Not now, not like this.

"Abby, let me get Luka. You should tell him."

"No. Carter. No." I open my eyes, and look at him. Glare at him. Try to bore holes in his skin. "I can't tell Luka," I whisper. Not now. Not ever. Luka will want the baby. He will probably drop down to one knee and propose on the spot. And he can't possibly understand why I would say no. No to marriage, no to baby. I can't do it. I can't.

"He has to find out sometime."

"Not here, Carter. Not in a trauma room."

Carter puts his hand on my shoulder. A comforting warmth. If the baby was his...No, I can't think that way. It's not his. Can't be his. He would make a great daddy. I close my eyes again, picturing John Carter, father extraordinaire. Three or four little dark haired kids dancing around at his feet at the end of every shift, and Carter smiling, in his element, loving every minute, every second of being a father.

I think of Luka, and how his eyes fill with tears every time he talks about his first children. Jasna and Marko. He always smiles when he thinks about them, even though I know he wants to cry for the injustice of it. Two innocent children and a loving wife, three among thousands, killed in senseless acts of war.

Luka would be a wonderful daddy, I know he would. My baby would be his second chance.

Stop. Abby, don't go there. So far, Carter is the only one who knows about the baby. And Carter will keep the secret, if I ask him.

I don't open my eyes again until Carter switches off the ultrasound monitor. He is looking at me, his puppy-dog eyes fixed in a penetrating stare. "You need to take better care of yourself. You've worked OBGYN. You know how important it is."

"Don't. Carter, don't lecture me. I'm not in the mood."

"Of course you're not." I don't particularly care for the sarcasm in his tone.

"Don't start with that bull shit either. I'm not asking you to be my savior, Carter. I don't need an angel." No, but it sure would be nice. I could almost feel him pull me into his arms, his fingers in my hair, his lips against my ear telling me everything will be okay.

"You need something."

"Yes I do. I need to be left alone."

I know Carter doesn't like that answer because he puts his fingers against his eyes and scrunches his face up for a second. When he looks at me again, he doesn't smile. "Abby..."

"I said don't, Carter. Don't start. Just go, leave me alone."

A moment later he is gone. I know he will be back, even though I hurt his feelings and he doesn't deserve that. He's only trying to help. Good old Carter. Such a good doctor. Such a good friend, despite my grumpy attitude, my mood swings, my resistance.

I don't know how long I lay there counting stains on the ceiling, but when the door to my little trauma room prison opens I know it is Carter and I don't even bother to look at him. Maybe I should. He's hurt, I had hurt him, his feelings, his pride. I don't deserve his friendship. I wouldn't blame him if he had gone around the hospital to tell everyone I was pregnant. Especially Luka, and maybe I wanted him to do it, so I wouldn't have to tell Luka myself.

"Abby? Are you all right? Why is there an ultrasound in here?" Luka. Oh God. Luka. Not Carter. Oh God. I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to see him. I'm not ready to tell him.

I open my eyes, stare at him. It's the only defense I have. I feel like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming car, and there is nowhere to run. No way out. A baby. My baby. Inside me. Growing. Two months.

"Are you pregnant, Abby?"

My mouth won't work. I can't talk. No sound. Nothing. Just a blank stare, and the deafening thump of my heart beating in my chest.

Finally I manage a nod. A weak, pathetic nod. And the inevitable happens. Luka smiles. His whole face seems to light up. Even his eyes. He's happy. Of course he is. A baby. A second chance. Jasna and Marko are dead, his babies had been gone a ten long lonely years.

"Abby..." He starts, and stops, overcome with emotion. His voice cracks. He comes to me, reaches for my hand.

I snatch it away from him. "It's not yours." His face crumbles, the joy shattered. I feel horrible, but it's the only thing I can do. The only way I can make him shut down. And he has to shut down. I can't let him be happy. I can't let him make me want the baby. I don't want it. I can't. I can't be a mother.

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**You'll just have to keep reading to find out if Abby is telling the truth here or not. ;) Please use the review button below and tell me what you think!