Ring Around The Rosie

An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa

Chapter 4

He stares at me, his eyes cold and hard and distant. He's going t question me, I know he is. I'm not sure I have the strength to lie to him anymore. Saying those words was hard enough. But it was all I had.

"What are you saying, Abby?" His voice is clam. But his accent is just a little more prominent than usual. A good sign he's upset. Of course he's upset. He has every right to be upset.

I try not to blink. I try to hold his gaze. I really just want to crawl up in a dark corner, under a rock, and die. How could I do this to him? Because he would beg me to keep the baby, and I can't refuse him anything. He doesn't understand the risks, he doesn't want to understand. So I have to do this my way. The only way to make it work.

"I'm sorry, Luka."

He shakes his head. Then he stands, paces. His silence kills me. I feel part of me dying inside. I love him. I really love him, as much as I could ever love anyone. But I can't do this. I can't have a baby. His baby.

He mutters something under his breath. I don't catch the words. I think he said it in Croatian. His defense. He uses his native language like a shield because he knows I don't know what he's saying.

"Who?" He stands at the foot on the bed, his hands in the pockets of his lab coat. Luka Kovac is not someone to mess with. He could tear me in half with his bare hands. And if he did, I would deserve it.

I look to the side. There's a young girl in the next room. She looks like she's three, maybe four. A man is with her, probably her father, holding her hand. No woman, no mother. I close my eyes and lay my hands on my stomach.

"Luka…"

"No, Abby. I want to know. Who is it? Is it Carter?"

My eyes fly open, panic races through my veins. "No!" I yelp. What would Luka do to him, to Carter, if he thought, if he really believed the baby was Carter's?

"Then who?"

"I don't know."

"That's just great, Abby. You really are a piece of work."

I hate hurting him, but I have to. It's the only way. I have to protect myself. And the baby. I'm not a mother. I can't be a mother. I have to do this. Better to get him so mad at me he never wants to look at me, than let him know the truth.

"Luka…"

He storms out of the room. I imagine the door slamming behind him. And then I cry. I cry because there's nothing else I can do. "I'm sorry, Luka. I'm so sorry…"

* * * * * * * * * *

My father used to tell me I would find someone special. I would get married and raise a family of my own. I wanted to believe him. I tried so hard to believe him, when I was little. But my mother was always there to contradict him. No one would ever love me. Anyone who would marry me had to be crazy like her, or desperate. Richard was...I'm not sure what Richard was, but Mom was right. Mom was always right about things like that.

I clasped my hands over my stomach. Still flat. Maybe if I closed my eyes and wished really hard...

"I saw Luka. He looks upset." I didn't even hear the door open, he is just there. My savior, just a little too late.

"Go away, Carter."

He sits down on the exam stool and scoots it up to the bed. Why was I still here? I should have slipped out long ago, before Carter could hook me up to that damn machine, after that at the very least. I should have slipped out and grabbed a cab to the nearest bus station.

I keep my eyes shut. Squeezed shut. Tight. And when I feel his hand cover mine, I lean forward, leaning into him, against his shoulder. He releases my hand and I catch his neck in the circle of my arms.

I should tell him. He would understand why I did it. Carter. My best friend. My only friend. I have to tell him. Soon everyone will know.

"I told Luka…I told Luka the baby isn't his."

He pulls away from my hold on him and looks in my eyes. "What?" He's searching my face for answers.

I look down, at my hands. I can't look at him. He sucks his breath in. He hates me. I knew it. I never should have told him. I'm a horrible person.

I shake my head, just slightly. I can't talk. What could I say to make this okay? I can't tell him the baby is Luka's. I have to make everyone believe it's not. I met some guy, in a bar, I was drinking. May as well blow the sobriety thing and make sure everyone thinks I'm a total loser.

"You don't have to tell me." He says softly. Damn him. My savior. My best friend. I can't lose him. No matter what I do about the baby, I think I could deal with it. I could deal with the fear, the insecurity, everything...if I had Carter by my side.

"I can't, Carter. I'm sorry."

"It's okay." He forces my head up with a single finger curled under my chin. Tears smear my face, yet he smiles. His quirky Carter smile. God I could love him. Why did he have to be so...so...not perfect, but damn close to it.

A fresh wave of tears crashes to the surface, filling, spilling, streaming. Carter pulls me against him, cradling my head to his shoulder, stroking my hair, whispering promises of happily ever after in my ear.

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Use the review button to leave your thoughts and opinions. Just in case anyone is not quite sure…the baby is Luka's. Thanks for reading!