Castlevania In TV Land (Part 2)

Death: Hello, and welcome back. Just to recap, in our last episode, the crew was all sucked into the television, and are now trapped in various TV shows. And.....uh.....I guess that's it.

Orlock: I told you we didn't need this stupid recap garbage. It's just a waste of time.

Death: Shut up you idiot. Besides, didn't you know were being paid for every word we say?

Orlock: Really? In that case, I'd no like to recite for you my favorite speech of all time, "The Gettysburgh Address." Ahem. Four score and seven......

Vampire Hunter X: (Pulling a gun) Don't even think about it. Just say the lines I've written, or we're gonna have problems.

Orlock: Uh..... like I was saying, on with the show.

(Strange 70's music starts playing.)

Gaibon: Now where are we?

(A car pulls up and a man in black leather steps out.)

John: Oh no, it's the Dark Priest Shaft.

Dark Priest Shaft: The hell you doin' messin' up my town fools? (Jumps on John and beats the hell out of him. Goes after Gaibon.)

Gaibon: Shaft, it's me.

Shaft: What's my name fool?

Gaibon: What?

Shaft: (Hitting Gaibon) What's my name?

Gaibon: Why are you being so mean to me?

Shaft: Say Dark Priest Shaft.

Simon: Man, that Dark Priest Shaft, he's one bad mother....

Sonia: Shut your mouth.

Simon: Hey, I'm just talkin 'bout Dark Priest Shaft. He's a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman, Maria.

Maria: Shaft.

Shaft: Ya damn right.

Death: When did she come into this story?

Orlock: Beats me.

(Click)

Rosie: He's another real cutie patutie. Now, let's throw some Koosh balls into the audience. (Hits Richter in the eye.)

Richter: Ow. Bitch. (Throws an axe at Rosie.)

(Click)

Alucard: Hmmmm.......

Buffy: Eat this, you undead freak. (Stakes Alucard)

Alucard: Ahhhhhh.......Arrrgggggghhhhh.....Ugggggghhhhhhhh........bitch, you broke my rib. (Pulls out stake) C'mere, lemme see how you like it. Wait, you're Buffy, aren't you?

Buffy: What, you've heard of me?

Alucard: Yes. And I too am a vampire hunter.

Buffy: Why didn't you say so?

Alucard: (Holds up stake)

Buffy: Oh, right. Sorry about that, it's just that......ANGEL!!!

Alucard: (Looks over to see Angel being jumped by Richter and Eric.)

Richter: Die monster, you don't belong in this world.

Alucard: What are you doing?!?

Richter: Kicking the shit out of this vampire. What does it look like?

Eric: Bite the curb, pale face!

(Click)

Marshall: Hello Diana.

Diana: Hello Marshall.

Trevor: Looks like were in a soap op.......

Slogra: Shhhhhhhh......... I love this show.

Marshall: I have to tell you something. Something you may not want to hear.

Diana: What is it?

Marshall: I've been having an affair with your sister, Sheila.

Diana: No.

Slogra: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You cheating son of a bitch!! (Charges Marshall and attacks him with trident.) You bastard, how could you!?! She loved you.

Trevor: (Pulling Slogra off Marshall.) Come on man, it'll be okay.

Slogra: That's just not right.

(Click)

Stan: Cartman, You're such a fat ass.

Cartman: I am not fat, I am big boned.

Dracula: No, actually your pretty fat.

Kenny: Mphhmfphfmmmmmmm.

Dracula: You said it kid.

Orlock: Hey, Death, isn't that the kid who kicked your ass that one time?

Death: Shut up.

(Click)

(Simon and Eric sit in the back seat of a police car with John and Sara Conner, and the Terminator driving.)

Sara: Who the hell are you?

Simon: Were....

Eric: (Pointing to the T-1000) Simon, look. It's Al Gore, he's found us again.

Simon: Damn you, Al Gore!

(Click)

Barbara: Hello, I'm Barbara Walters, and this is Twenty Twenty. Our top story today is...

Alucard: Get out of my way old lady. Death, you've gotta help us. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just spent three hours with the cast of Friends. You think their annoying on television? Their even worse in real life. GET US OUT OF HERE!!!!!

Death: Alright, just give me some time to think about it.

(Click)

Richter: We really need to find a way out of here.

Orlock: I'll say. This is getting boring.

Vampire Hunter X: You think you can do better?

Orlock: Probably.

Vampire Hunter X: Man, I'm really getting sick of you.

Orlock: Likewise.

Trevor: Anyways..... Maybe we should try the Sci-Fi channel. If Sliders is on, then maybe we can (Steps on creature. Creature lets out a squeak.) What was that?

Richter: Don't worry about it. You were saying?

Trevor: Oh yeah. So then what we do is...... (They walk away)

Creature: Piiii.............kaaaaaaaaa..............chuuuuuuuuuu. (Collapses)

(Click)

Announcer: Lifetime. Television for women.

Hostess: Men.

Audience: Boooooooo!!!

Sonia: I could get to like it here.

(Click)

(Remaining characters stand with Richter in the apartment of Will & Grace.)

Richter: So that's what the plan is.

Gaibon: (Standing very, very, VERY close to Will.) Hmmm.... that just might work. Besides, what've we got to lose?

John: Gaibon's got the right idea. Let's do it. (Everyone looks at him funny) I mean let's go ahead with Trevor's plan.

Death: Here goes.

(Click)

(All the characters stand in a black room)

Simon: Where are we now?

Mike Nelson: What kind of movie is this?

Servo: It looks like a bunch of hippies, two dinosaurs, and Dracula. The hell?

Trevor: Hey, who you callin' a hippie, you poor excuse for a gum ball machine?

Crow: Hahahahahahaha.

Mike: A movie that heckles back. Boys, we've met our match.

Servo: Gum ball machine!?!?!?! That's it. You're gettin' it right in the shins. (Charges stage. Hit's screen and gets thrown back.)

Trevor: Nice job, dumb ass.

Orlock: (Looking at the script) Speaking of dumb asses, hey VHX, what's this all about?

Vampire Hunter X: Now what?

Orlock: In part one it says, and I quote, "Eric hit's Al Gore with his whip, ripping off his skin." Now when the hell did Eric get a whip?

Vampire Hunter X: It's called a mistake, jackass. But I don't suppose you've ever made one of those, have you?

Orlock: Nope, can't say that I have. I'm perfect in every way.

Vampire Hunter X: Now I can see why nobody else want's to use you in their fanfics.

Orlock: Actually, it's because you're too friggin cheap to try and do better. Hell, you didn't even get all the vampire hunters in this story.

Vampire Hunter X: That's it! I don't have to put up with this kind of crap! Get the hell out!

Orlock: Fine, but you'll be sorry.

Sonia: Anyways... Now how do we get out of here?

Dracula: Hey Death, any ideas?

Death: Lemme check the TV Guide.

Mike: Dad?

Servo: God?

Crow: James Earl Jones?

Death: I'm gonna send you guys over to TBS.

Mike: The Super Station.

Gaibon: Why TBS?

Death: Trust me.

(Click)

Announcer: We now return to "Tron" on Movies for Guys Who Like Movies.

Slogra: Tron? You mean that movie about those people trapped in a computer game?

Death: That's right.

Richter: How's that gonna help us get home?

Man: So you want to go home, is that it?

Dracula: Who are you?

Man: I am Lord Eclipse.

Slogra: I don't remember you in the movie.

Lord Eclipse: I rule this world. I will make a deal with you. If you play a game with me, and win, I will set you free.

Simon: And if we lose?

Lord Eclipse: Then you will serve me for eternity as my slaves.

All: (Talking at the same time.) Sure, that sounds fair. We can do that. I can live with that. Let's go for it.

Lord Eclipse: Very well then. Let the games begin.

That's it for part two. What will happen next. Can they win the game? What will the game be? Will Death decide to stop watching so much television, and get up and get a real job? Will I decide to pay Orlock for the work he did, or just hunt him down and kill him? All this, and more, next time.