Mighty Conclusion

They pushed open the doorway to the throne room and stared at what they saw. The sprites were clinging to each other in joyous disbelief, letting out occasional squeals of pleasure.  Sarah looked almost about to cry, and Hoggle was shaking his head. The room was completely mad. The actual throne had turned into a tissue box, which sneezed periodically, the floor was covered in orange grass and the furniture patrolled the room like baboons.

In the middle of it all sat Jareth, combing a square of blue shagpile carpet that was stuck to the wall, making a distinct clicking sound.

'DADDY!' The spites greeted him, scampering up to him and rubbing against his leg like kittens. Jareth fell backwards and peddled his legs in the air.

The sprites looked at each other with a wicked grin.
'Water pillow' Fizzy Cream yelled at Jareth.

Jareth immediately leapt to his feet and attempted to eat his foot.

'Raccoon!' Sour Peppercorn yelled.

Jareth pulled a shower curtain from his pocket, placed it on his head and bounded around the room chanting random phone numbers.

Sarah and Hoggle watched, horrified. Sarah glanced at the sprites, which had seated themselves on the floor with a large bucket of popcorn between them, as if watching a movie.

'Fried starfish tumor!' Fizzy Cream roared, shoving a handful of popcorn in her mouth. Jareth reached down and pulled his tights over his head and babbled gibberish. Hoggle cringed. Sarah looked to the sprites.

'Don't! You're terrible!' She howled.

The sprites ignored her.  A goblin ventured closer to them.

'C..c…can he still turn into an owl?' he asked the sprites.

On hearing this, Jareth ran around flapping his arms shouting 'whoo' at the top of his lungs before leaping out the window. The sprites dashed forward grabbing their King by the ankles they dragged him back though the windows.

'Perhaps, this isn't such a good thing.' Sour Peppercorn told Fizzy Cream.

'To the operating table!' Fizzy Cream declared. Hoggle and the goblin helped them strap Jareth to the table.

'I think this is how a few fan fictions start.' Sour Peppercorn joked to her sister. 'Except I don't think Father dearest is wearing as much clothing as he is now'

'Although he does look quite fetching dressed in that purple jumpsuit and matching pram'

At the word 'fan fiction' Jareth went into a rage, fighting against his bonds. The sprites looked at each other.

'Bingo!' they said.

'Bingo?' Sarah asked.

'Jareth is driven mad by the 'F' word.' Sour Peppercorn explained.

'F word? Oh! F word! How did you find out? I thought you said fan-fiction…' Sarah asked again. Jareth began struggling again, snorting in between, and blowing random raspberries.

                'NO, you idiot! Fan fiction IS the F word!' Fizzy Cream grated. Sarah widened her eyes knowingly.

                'But, fan fic… the F word? How?'

                'That's what we gotta find out!' Sour Peppercorn declared, donning a Sherlock Holmes outfit.

The sprites looked around the room, a computer caught their eye and they pointed.

'Ah ha! First clue….' They shot up the computer and desk. Fizzy Cream opened attempted to open a draw, and failed, due to her diminutive size.

'Gimme a hand here, Moron…' She asked Sarah. The witless human opened the draw.

'Ah ha!' Sour Peppercorn elated, taking out a page and reading it aloud…

Love's night breath   

 By Fluffy Snuggle bunny

I know he's coming to meet me.

Jareth, King of the Goblins, has fallen in love with me, and is coming tonight to bequeath his undying love… And why wouldn't he? I'm so beautiful, with locks of gold and sparkling blue eyes like the sea, and I have a beautiful figure, and I have lovely skin of pale, and I'm so pretty and I have rose like lips and I have…

'EW!' Fizzy Cream cut in. 'That's so… up herself…'

Her sister dropped the fan fiction like it was a snake. 'It gets worse.' She warned, burrowing in some more, and dragging out a new story.

Sweet Kisses

By Mystic Mistress

'Are you there my love?' He asked. I got up, totally naked.

'Yes my sweetest of candy-like Kings…' I answered in a sultry voice.

He slowly took off his skintight leather trousers with the butt cheeks cut out.

'I've been a bad boy….' He said…

'STOP!' Fizzy Cream begged, going a fine shade of Wooded Spring plain (Discovering this after a momentary pause to look it up on the paint chart) 'How could they? He… He looks like David Bowie!' She gagged. 'I can't believe these people's sex life is constrained to a fan fiction, that's less than pathetic!'

'It's not over yet, dear sister….' Sour Peppercorn warned, dragging out yet another of the dreaded fan fictions.

Jareth in trouble

By Sorceress Daydream

Jareth's in trouble, and only I can save him. He is having trouble getting people into his Labyrinth, after his disastrous escapade to kidnap Sarah, so, he came to me of course.

'Please help me!' He begged, looking pathetic on his hands and knees. I smiled.

'Maybe' I answered.

'Please! My powers are NOTHING compared to yours! I am NOTHING compared to you! Help me!'….

'Nonononono!' Fizzy Cream blocked her ears. 'Stooooop!'

Sour Peppercorn dropped the page and grabbed a new one. 'I hear you sister… No one is more powerful then Daddy here! He can rearrange time you know!' There was a note of pride in her voice. Sarah looked confused.

'But aren't you hinting that you are, by helping him now?'

'Oh- Gosh no!' Fizzy Cream looked surprised. 'He's much better at manipulating minds. He created us because he's always too busy to do his insane driving duties.'

'Then why can't he fix himself?' She asked. The sisters looked at each other, and sighed.

'Because…' Sour Peppercorn explained, slowly, 'When you're insane, you don't know it. Look, lets see if I can explain…. What's normal?'

'I suppose, reading, and helping people, and being nice, and… all that stuff…' She said, unsure.

'No, That's normal for YOU. For us, it's driving people mad, squirrel grip greetings, eating kippers on toast…'

'Kippers on toast! Ewwww!' Sarah grimaced. Sour Peppercorn nodded.

'See! That sounds insane to you, but is totally normal to us. What we're here to do, is straighten out his mind enough for him to realize what's happened.' She cleared her throat and began to read the paper that had lain forgotten in her hand for several minutes.

Realization

By Truehearted Tinker bell

He knew he was wrong. The realization had come slowly to him, and had been torture for months after, and years more.

Oh why had he let Sarah go? She was so lovely, and pretty. He had loved her so completely that all other thoughts had fled from his mind….

                'Fled from his mind? Where'd they get that? More like there own minds!' Sour Peppercorn added, letting the page fall.

'Enough of this diatribe… uh- dialogue, I mean, we now know the cause, and what to look for, so it's time to operate!' Fizzy Cream declared. Sour Peppercorn nodded, and handed her sister a gas welder and a welding mask, lighting it with a grasshopper, while she pulled out a ride-on lawn mower and a large chainsaw.

'What are you doing?' Screeched Sarah.

'Trust us.' They chirped, before shrinking in size and disappearing into Jareth's head. The time they were gone stretched out like hours, but when they emerged they grinned and loosened Jareth's bonds.

Jareth sat up, and with a gesture of his hand, returned the palace and indeed the whole Labyrinth back to normal, and changed his delightful outfit for something more appropriate.

'Girls, how lovely to see you,' he said, by way of greeting. He looked around. 'Hogwart….. And YOU!' He said angrily, glaring at Sarah. She almost could cry, the look of anger in his eyes frightened her. Sour Peppercorn climbed up onto Sarah's shoulder and leaned into her ear, withdrawing her head suddenly.

                'Eww.' She stated, before grabbing her sister and shoving her head into Sarah's brain.

'Do you hear that thought?' Sour Peppercorn asked her sister.

'There's no thoughts in here…watch, I'll demonstrate.'  Fizzy Cream pulled Sarah's ear open as far as it could go, and then conjured a megaphone out of thin air, pointed it into the ear of Sarah and yelled 'Gooseberry Turtle Pot!' A distinct echo of the words that she had yelled echoed around the room several times.  Realizing that the megaphone had become stuck, Fizzy Cream stuck a finger into her ear to retrieve it and pulled away in disgust.

'No! Listen harder, the voice in the back. Waaaay back!' Fizzy Cream frowned, and listened hard for a few minutes…

'EWWW! Daddy, you have to hear that…' Sour Peppercorn told the King, trying not to gag.

'I know about it. I am the King you remember.' He replied. The sprites looked as if they had indeed forgotten, but then giggled. Fizzy Cream flattened her hair and widened her eyes again,

'Though dangers untold and hardships unnumbered…Oh Jareth I love you.' She whimpered before both broke into gales of laughter.

The throne room doors were opened and Toby walked though the door.

'Hello.' He said, sounding slightly confused, he spotted Hoggle. 'Hi Hoggle.'
Hoggle studied the ground, 'Hi Toby.'

The sprites looked up at Hoggle and Toby, and then looked questioningly to the King, who nodded, sending both the sprites into gales of laughter.

'Well, I suppose, in human terms, Hoggle is about six…' Fizzy Cream rationalized to her sister.

Sarah frowned. 'What's going on?'

                'A child's fondness is blooming before her and she can't even see it.' Sour Peppercorn said shaking her head, smiling as Toby handed a flower to Hoggle, who blushed a bright crimson.

Realization struck Sarah. 'You mean…. they… NO!' She cried.

Fizzy stormed up to her. 'There's nothing wrong with that. It's just like two prep kids holding hands…nothing will come of it…. At least for another say, ten years… after that… Who knows?' She threw up her hands and shrugged.

Sarah looked longingly at Jareth, who glared at her with disdain.

'Much like us, Sarah.' He told her.

'But…you loved me.' She said, sounding weak and pathetic.

'HE TRIED TO KILL YOU, MORON!!!  REPEATEDLY!!!!' The sprites yelled at her. Sarah looked stricken.

                'When?!' She demanded. The Sprites rolled their eyes.

                'Lessee, the Cleaner, the drop to the bog, the bridge breaking, the fall from the crystal… oh you do know the ball was an illusion? Daddoo wasn't even aware that you had broken out… and the big Armour thing, the war in the goblin city…. Do we need to go on?' They glared at her. Sarah looked miserable. 

Jareth turned to Toby and Hoggle.

'You are welcome to join my staff, I am told our kitchen needs a new goblin.'

                Toby nodded enthusiastically, transforming into a goblin even as he agreed. Hoggle and Toby left the room, hand in hand, on promises that the kitchen would never have been cleaner. Jareth turned to the two sprites.

'And how does court jesters sound…in addition to your current jobs?' His mouth twisted into a smile as the sprites beamed at him.

'In fact, I think I could use a little laugh right about now.' Jareth said, eyeing the sullen Sarah with a wicked glint in his eye. The sprites turned on the girl, grinning mischievously.

'RELFEX!'

'NIPPLE CRIPPLE!'

The End