Castlevania In TV Land (Part 3)
Vampire Hunter X: Welcome back. You may remember that in our last episode I had an argument with a certain member of the cast. I won't mention Orlock's name, but this kind of behavior will not be tolerated. That's why I've decided not to include him in this part. So I'd like to take this time to introduce you to Orlock's replacement, the Minotaur.
Minotaur: Hey everybody.
Vampire Hunter X: On with the show.
Minotaur: (To Death) Hey, what's up?
Death: How's it going?
Minotaur: Is that the boss, being carried away on a stretcher?
Death: Huh?
Minotaur: When did he get tickets?
Death: The hell are you talking about?
Minotaur: You serious? Cool. Let's see what else is on.
Death: Wait a minute. You idiot, you're on the wrong part of the script. We're on part three now.
Minotaur: Oh, sorry.
Death: Let's just get back to the show. Dracula, what's the game gonna be?
Dracula: We don't know yet.
Lord Eclipse: (Pulling out a big wheel) Let's see what we're going to play.
Richter: Yes! I love Wheel of Fortune.
Lord Eclipse: No, this is just to...
Trevor: Wheel of Fortune rules.
Lord Eclipse: I haven't picked a game yet.
Alucard: I'm a master at Wheel of Fortune.
Lord Eclipse: Would you all just shut up?!? We're not playing Wheel of Fortune, damn it. (Spins wheel)
Gaibon: Come on tennis.
Eric: Are there any drinking games on there?
Lord Eclipse: (Wheel stops spinning.) Our game will be Football. (Transports them all to a football stadium, complete with spectators.) You may have first picks at teams.
Slogra: I think we should be...
Dracula: (Pushing Slogra out of the way) We're the Packers. Yeah, go Packers. Wu-hoooo. (Packers uniforms appear on all of them.)
Lord Eclipse: Very well. My team shall be the Knights of Hell. (Team appears, wearing suits of armor with spikes on the shoulders and helmets, and really big swords.)
John: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh..........
Gaibon: I don't wanna play any more.
Lord Eclipse: You got first picks on teams, so we will go first at selecting a coach. We pick John Madden.
Simon: Who's that leave us?
Slogra: Look at this list of names. Gary Coleman, Gerald Ford, Carrot Top, who picked these people.
Lord Eclipse: I did, obviously.
Richter: Obviously.
Alucard: How about him?
Gaibon: Do you think we can trust him?
Dracula: We don't have a choice. He's the only person with any experience in this game. We're gonna go with O. J. Simpson.
Minotaur: My butt itches, does yours.
Death: I don't have any skin, remember?
Minotaur: (Scratching self) Oh yeah. Does it look weird to you? (Showing it to Death.)
Death: Aw man, get that thing out of here. And get back over to the other side of the couch. Even without a nose I can still smell you.
Trevor: This is horrible. We're down fourteen to three. Now what?
Slogra: I've got an idea. Hey Sonia, women can't play football. Why don't you go bake us something, or go join the cheerleaders on the sidelines.
Sonia: What!?! You piece of...
Simon: Here, run the ball.
Sonia: (Plowing through defense.) Yeeeeeeaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!! In your face, you sexist pig. (Does touchdown dance.)
Eric: Girl's got moves.
Sonia: What'd you just call me?
Eric: Well... Ohhh, look at the time. Gotta go kick the extra point.
Death: (Watching Eric kick the ball) All right, it's good.
Minotaur: Death, can you help me? (Biting the air) I've got a potato chip stuck on my horn.
Death: It's days like this that make me anxious to go to work the next day.
O. J. Simpson: (Drawing on a chalk board.) Here's the plan. Dracula, I want you to run right down the center of the field like this. John, you curve down this way and go long. Gaibon, you run around in a square pattern like this. Everybody got it?
Richter: That drawing looks like a knife.
O. J. Simpson: No it doesn't.
Richter: Yes it does.
O. J. Simpson: Who drew that? I swear I won't rest until the real artist is caught. You guys just get out there and play.
Simon: Blue twenty three, blue twenty...... hold on. (To Gaibon, who's about four inches away from him.) Back off!!! Hike.
Vampire Hunter X: Look, I thought I could get along without you, but I was wrong. We need you back.
Orlock: What about the Minotaur?
Vampire Hunter X: That guy? I'm sick of him. All he does is whines, complains, screws things up, and I think he relieved himself in the bean dip. Plus, Death says he's gonna walk if I don't get rid of the big dumb bastard. So, will you do it?
Orlock: I don't know. You were a real jack ass before. I want an apology.... and I want more money than you were giving me before... and I want my own dressing room with a buffet... and I demand that you rename the story "The Orlock Chronicles" and give me more lines.
Vampire Hunter X: The hell with that. You need me more than I need you. Hey, anybody seen Akmodan II?
Orlock: Wait, wait, maybe I was a little too hasty. Tell you what, since I'm such a great guy, I'll come back to work for the same amount as before. Deal?
Vampire Hunter X: Glad to hear it. Now get to work.
John Madden: That's the end of the third quarter, so I'm gonna take this time to look back at some of the games highlights. Now right here, (Shows video replay) we see my team, perfectly lined up and ready to go. They've really got their act together. Now the Belmont's team on the other hand, they're a complete and utter mess. There's no formation, and they just stand around wherever they want. It makes me wonder if Simpson is really doing his job over there, or if he's just plotting to kill someone. Yet they still seem to be winning seventeen to fourteen. I don't understand it. The Knights of Hell started off beautifully at the start of the game, but it soon turned to garbage. I haven't seen Lord Eclipse complete one pass in the last hour. It makes me wonder why I take these low paying amateur coaching jobs.
Audience: (Snoring)
Trevor: Huh....... is he finally done?
Mills Lane: Let the game continue.
Simon: Alucard, go long.
Knight#08: You wanna score with that thing, you're gonna have to get past me, vampire boy.
Alucard: Okay. (Alucard bites him)
Lord Eclipse: Hey ref.!
Mills Lane: I'll allow it.
Later...
O. J. Simpson: Come on. We gotta take these guys out. We gotta kill em, kill em all.
Simon: We're still up by six, and there's only 45 seconds left on the clock. If we can keep the ball from them for that long we'll win.
Slogra: Give it to me. I'll make sure they don't get it.
Simon: We're counting on you. Set hut. (Throws the ball to Slogra.)
Slogra: Hey boys, you want it? Then come and get it. (Jumps into the bleachers and goes through the spectators.)
O. J. Simpson: That's it man, cut through those people. Cut through them like a knife through my ex wife.
Lord Eclipse: Ref.!!!!!!
Mills Lane: I'll allow it.
Lord Eclipse: You've got to be kidding.
Slogra: (Running through stadium halls) Excuse me, commin through. Whoa. Hey watch it pal.
Hot Dog Vendor: You stupid dinosaur!
Vince McMahon: You know, this is pretty entertaining. How would you guys like to sign with the XFL?
Trevor: Wow! You mean I get to put my life on the line every week for 1000 dollars? That would be a dream come true. Thanks, but I think I'd rather play Castlevania 64.
Slogra: Now where are (Looks behind him) oh crap. Ah ha. (Runs into the women's restroom.)
Women: Ahhhhhhhhhhh.....
Slogra: Just pretend I'm not here.
Knight#21: Now what? We can't go in there.
Lord Eclipse: Out of my way you idiots. (Runs into the bathroom.)
Slogra: Hey pal. Come in here often?
Lord Eclipse: You... (Tackles Slogra. Slogra fumbles.) It's not too late. I can still run it in.
Mills Lane: (Blowing whistle) Time's up. That's game.
Slogra: Too bad. Well not really.
(Stadium disappears. Everyone stands in a black room.)
Trevor: (Like Nelson on the Simpsons) Ha ha.
Dracula: You said you'd let us go home if we won.
Lord Eclipse: I didn't plan on you cheating. I'm the bad guy. It's my job to cheat.
Gaibon: Hey, we've got more bad guys on our team than you.
Lord Eclipse: (Opening a portal) Fine, but don't think this is over. Next time, I'm gonna win.
Richter: (Sarcastically) Sure. Next time. You've got it.
Sonia: Let's go. (They all walk through the portal.)
Lord Eclipse: Aw man. You know what I should have said?
Simon: We're home.
Death: Glad to see you guys.
Orlock: Wait a minute. Why did you go through all that trouble to bring me back if you weren't gonna use me for the rest of the story?
Vampire Hunter X: Simple, I forgot about you guys.
John: Now what do we do?
Eric: Anybody wanna watch some TV?
Everybody: Sure.
Jay Leno: So did you hear about these vampire hunters that have been showing up on all these television shows? Never since "It's Pat" have viewers had so much trouble telling the men apart from the women.
Alucard: Hey Death, you still remember that spell?
