Ring Around The Rosie

An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa

Chapter 6

I am awake, but I don't want to open my eyes. They open anyway and glance around the room. Where am I? This room is too elegant to be mine. It's not Luka's apartment. Carter. I called Carter to pick me up. I'm at Carter's house. His grandmother's house from the looks of it.

I close my eyes again, squeeze them shut. I don't want to be here. I don't want to think about the baby inside me. I couldn't go through with killing it. I did that once, and the guilt still haunts me. And I still believe I did the right thing. I never told Richard I was pregnant, but I know he wouldn't have wanted it, and I didn't want it then and I certainly wouldn't want to have Richard's kid now.

I feel my hands on my stomach, rubbing it gently. My baby is in there. "I know I've made some bad choices, sweetheart," I whisper, "but I'm going to try to do right by you. You know that, don't you? Nothing else matters anymore."

"I'm glad you realize that," Carter says softly from the door. I feel a little angry that he stood there listening, but I can't really feel angry at Carter. He's our savior. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired. But okay, I guess."

"Good. Breakfast is ready downstairs."

I shake my head. He's just standing at the door like he's afraid to come into the room. "Carter, you don't have to…"

"Get dressed and come down. Please. You have to eat."

I nod. "Okay."

He nods too and closes the door.

I want to stay in bed all day. I don't want to get up and face the world. I want to lie here and just forget about everything. But Carter is waiting, and I know he will come back if I don't get moving. So I get up and get ready.

* * * * * * * * * *

He holds my hand as we approach the hospital. I don't know what I would do without him. He is my lifeline right now, the only thing keeping me from seriously thinking about ending it all.

The ER is calm right now. Looks like there are no traumas, and only a few names on the board. Everyone is just milling around, doing what needs to be done in down-time. A few of the nurses look up when we walk in and Lydia raises her eyebrows. I assume Carter glares at her or something, because she turns away and pretends to be busy.

Carter leads me to the lounge. I wonder if Luka is working today, and I sigh. I used to know his schedule as well as my own, so I knew when we would be working together, when we would both be off at the same time.

I hope he's not working. I'm not ready to face him. I don't think I'll ever be ready to face him again.

And of course he is in the lounge. He looks up from the newspaper when we walk in. I try not to look at him, but I notice he looks tired. Carter squeezes my hand and I love him for it.

"Abby, Carter," Luka says our names in a polite greeting. I can hear the pain in his voice and I hate myself for hurting him. I know I should tell him the truth, the baby really is his, there's never been anyone else since I've been with him. I know he thinks the baby is Carter's, and that hurts him more than if it was just some random guy.

"Luka," Carter nods at him. The tension between them is thick as fog on a mountain. They remind me of school boys planning to meet behind the bleachers for a brawl after school. I really hate myself.

I hover near the door, as far from Luka as I can be. Hopefully I'll be able to avoid him most of the day. But how long can I expect to keep my distance? I'm going to have to tell him the truth. The baby is his, and I am going to keep it. I tried to get rid of it, I got all the way to the clinic to get an abortion and I just couldn't do it.

I've done it once. And I don't regret it. I never even told Richard I was pregnant. I knew he wouldn't want it. A baby would have interfered with his me-me-me mindset. He would have seen a child as a burden, a hassle, an inconvenience. Luka would love his baby, his second chance.

I steal a glance in his direction. He's reading the newspaper, or pretending to read it so he doesn't have to look at Carter and me. I don't know how he will react when I tell him. If I tell him. He might reject me anyway, or refuse to believe me because I lied to him already, or he might go the other way and want to marry me to give the baby his name. Both of those possibilities scare the shit out of me.

Richard always said my biggest problem was that I never knew what I wanted.

I thought Carter would never be ready and I don't know why I didn't just leave the lounge without him. But I waited and he reached for my hand again.

How different my life would be if Carter was the father of this baby.

I look up at him and I know he would be a good father. I just wonder if he would be willing to say the baby was his. Would he do that, knowing it's Luka's? Could I justify lying to Luka, to the world, to the baby? No one would ever have to know the truth except Carter and me. If Carter would agree to it.

It's crazy and I have no right to ask. How can I even think of it? Because it would be so much easier. I've hurt Luka so much already. I wouldn't put it past him to try to take the baby away from me as soon as it's born.

Dear God, what have I gotten myself into?

* * * * * * * * *

Please use the review button, it's there for a reason. I want to know what you're thinking at this point. I know the whole Luka, Abby, Carter triangle is a touchy subject for most because most people are either Luby or Carby supporters and I'm open to both…And I honestly don't know which way this fic is going to go…Your opinion matters! But only, only, ONLY if you voice it. So what are you waiting for???