Ring Around The Rosie

An ER fan fiction by AbCaLuDa

Chapter 9

I turn the bottle of pills over in my hand just to hear them rattle. It would be so easy. Just open the bottle, open my mouth, and swallow. That's all. As long as no one found me for a few minutes, I'd be free in no time.

I open the lid and look in. Fifty little pills. They look like stars winking at me from the vast void of the night sky.

My hand twitches. I can't do. Dear God, I can't make myself do it. I don't want to die. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

I drop the bottle in the trash can. The pills scatter and it sounds like rain for half a second when several of them hit the metal with a little click-clack all at once. I force myself to walk away before I get down on my knees and pick out every one of those pills.

"Abby?" Carter knocks on the bathroom door. "Is everything all right?"

"I'm fine," I call back. I'm beginning to think I don't want to run away with him after all, if he's going to keep acting like my shadow. I've been in here less than five minutes, and he's already banging on the door.

I wish he would just go away for a little while. Not long. I don't really want to be alone. Just a few minutes. Just five or ten minutes of pure, uninterrupted quiet.

I wonder if Luka will ask me to marry him when he finds out the baby really is his. I wouldn't be surprised. Either that, or he'll take the baby away from me. Maybe that would be better. Then I wouldn't have to be a mother, and Luka could have a family again.

Carter knocks again. I sigh and open the door. He looks like he's been up all night, pacing the floor. I love that he is so concerned and so attentive but it drives me up the wall at the same time and I want him to back off.

"I'm going home," I tell him.

His brow furrows. "I don't think…"

"It's not your decision, Carter. I want to go home. I want to sleep in my own bed. I want to be in my apartment, with my things."

"Will you at least let me drive you?"

I nod. I know he'll try his damnedest to talk me out of it on the way, but he won't be able to. I've made up my mind. I want to go home. I need time alone to think, to figure this whole thing out on my own.

I can't think straight when I'm around him. Just being near him clouds my judgment. I love him so much, and I don't want to hurt him. He's done so much for me, and he'll continue to do more I'm sure. But I have to get away from him. I have to think through this on my own.

* * * * * * *

He insists on walking me in, and I know he's still holding out hope that I'll change my mind and go back to the mansion with him. I won't. I can't.

"Are you sure…" he starts. I shake my head and he falls silent. He takes my hand in his and raises it up to kiss my knuckles. "Call me…if you need me."

"I promise." We hug, and he leaves. I know he doesn't want to go, but he also knows he has no choice. I might never forgive him if he doesn't let me do this.

I feel a heavy emptiness in my heart when he's gone. I wander around the apartment, almost like checking to make sure everything is in place. It all feels different somehow. Or maybe it's me. I'm different. I'll never be the same again, no matter what happens now.

I settle on the sofa with my knees drawn up. I sit there and stare at the wall, counting my breaths to keep from thinking about Carter or Luka or the baby inside me.

I don't want to imagine my baby in my arms. I don't want to think about what color the eyes will be, if it's a boy or a girl. I don't want to feel little arms around my neck. I don't want to worry about bi-polar disease or anything bad ever happening to the child.

I need a drink.

I get to my feet slowly. It's like I can't stop myself. The thought of a good, strong drink filled my head and I want one. My mind knows it's a bad idea, for me and the baby, but I can't stop my feet from walking to the door…

The phone rings just as I put my hand on the knob. It's Carter. I know it's Carter. He'll panic if I don't answer. He'll drive over here to check on me. And he'll really panic when I'm not here.

I can't do that to him.

"Hello?" I murmur into the receiver.

"Abby," Carter says. "I just wanted…"

"I'm fine, Carter. I'm just sitting on the couch watching TV. I'm okay."

He sighs, and I imagine him pushing his fingers against his eyes. "I know. I just wanted to check on you."

I want to scream at him to stop acting like my mother. "I'll see you at work tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah."

"Good. We'll talk then. Try to relax, Carter. I'm a big girl."

"Call me…"

"You know you're the first one I'll call if I need anything. Good night, Carter."

"Night."

I hang up before he can say anything else. I wish talking to him had been a distraction from the thought of drinking, but my feet retrace the path to the door. And this time I step out…

Ten minutes later I'm standing in front of Luka's apartment.

I never made it to the liquor store.

I don't even know if Luka is home. He could be at work. Or somewhere else. I doubt he's sitting around waiting for me to come knocking at his door.

I feel like I'm climbing a mountain to get to his door. I don't remember the stairs being so steep. I never used to have to hold on to the railing to keep my balance…

For just one second, I feel like I'm flying…

* * * * * * * *

How's that for a cliff-hanger ending? Use the review option to let me know your thoughts at this point. I really want to know what you're thinking. Come on, don't be shy. It only takes a moment and it means the world to me…Thanks for reading! Extra thanks for reviewing…