This and more can be found at the Trey Parker and Matt Stone Movie Fanfic Website. And yes, this is my creation. Check the emails. Google or Yahoo! to find it. I can't post links here. You can also check my profile for the address.
Written by Lavonne Eudy
Part One
Nothing on TV, as usual, Coop thought as he was flipping through the channels off and on through every show that held promise of being allowed to stay put. But he would become equally bored--and within the same time limit--with everything and was soon surfing again.
Soon there was a knock on his door. He looked toward his left, trying to decide who would call this time of night. He arose from the sofa and went over to investigate.
"Oh, I was wondering when you were going to get home," Coop said when he saw Remer standing there.
"The most fucked-up shit just happened to me tonight." He entered the door, clawing an itchy spot on the left side of his neck. "I met this chick, and..." He looked up to see if Coop was listening, but in fact, he wasn't. He didn't say a thing. Remer's eyes fell on him furiously. He then just threw his coat across the room and headed off to bed. Before he slammed the door, Coop said, "What was that fucked-up shit that happened to you, tonight?" But there was no answer. He shrugged and took another sip of his beer.
Coop's alarm rung him from a dream filled with Beer's cheerleaders, who were touching, probing, doing things that he only wished they could do. He picked up the alarm and threw it across the room.
"Fucking morning game," he said, then checked his watch. After he showered, brushed his teeth and got dressed, he came to Squeak's room.
"Bitch, it's Seven a.m.," he said. Squeak barely nudged as he pointed his thumb up to indicate that he heard Coop. Considering his mission seen to with Squeak, Coop went to Remer's room next.
"Dude, it's seven a.m. We have to hit the trains to play Dakota tonight." Remer didn't budge.
"Remer?" he said walking up to him. When he turned him over, he saw that Remer was deathly white with such shallow breathing, it was like he wasn't breathing at all.
"You want me to call in sick for ya?" Finally Remer moved a little, as he nodded a slow, painful "Yes."
Coop ran into a fully-dressed Squeak who then asked about Remer.
"He's, like, sick or something," Coop replied.
"Bullshit! He's probably just hung-over!" Then he walked into Remer's room and slammed the door. Coop heard, though muffled, the slightest:
"You're not sick, asshole! We had to drag our asses out of bed and you are too!--Wait, what the fuck're you--AGGGGGGGG!"
Coop looked at his watch. "Hurry up, damnit," he said to himself. Just then Remer came through the door with something red on his lips and running down his mouth.
"Goddamnit, Remer, I told you to stop getting my tootsie pops! You feeling better already?"
"Totally," he said smiling. His teeth were stained suddenly. "You ready to go?" Coop looked at him strangely.
"Yeah, as soon as you brush your teeth, dude." Then he pushed up his satchel as he said, "Where's Squeak?"
"He suddenly came down with something. Said he felt drained." Coop looked at his watch again, perhaps allowing a moment of concern for Squeak, but...
"Fuck it, we gotta go." Remer nodded and they both left the house and headed for the train station.
"How much longer is this supposed to take?" Coop asked as he looked out of the window. "I thought we'd be there by now." When there was no answer, he turned to see Remer and saw that he was asleep and was also wearing sunglasses. He punched at him instantly.
"Wake up, asshole! You can't sleep!"
"Why the fuck not!" Remer responded.
"Dude, I'm fucking bored. If you sleep, I won't have anyone to talk to."
"Piss up a flagpole," Remer said turning away from him and going back to sleep. Coop flipped him off and returned his gaze to the window at his right. "This fucking sucks," he said to himself. Just then another player, Randy, came by him.
"Hey, dude, you mind if I sit over there with you guys," he said noticing that he was parking at another table full of other teammates. Randy didn't hear him, so he bent up closer. Just as Coop was about to repeat himself, Randy was suddenly grabbed by Remer and then bitten into. Blood began to pour down the side of Remer's neck. Randy screamed.
"Goddamnit, Remer!" he said angrily. "The minute I talk to someone else, you have to go and fucking kill them?!" Just then, Randy fell over dead.
"You know he's been voted most valuable player this month," Coop said as Remer wiped his mouth. "If we lose this fucking game tonight, I'm holding *you* personally responsible!" Then he sat back huffed up with his hands crossed over each other and said to himself, "Asshole!"
