This and more can be found at the Trey Parker and Matt Stone Movie Fanfic Website. And yes, this is my creation. Check the emails. Google or Yahoo! to find it. I can't post links here. You can also check my profile for the address.
Written by Lavonne Eudy
Part Four
"Okay, the first thing we're going to do is try to get Doug to tell us how he found this woman, what she looks like and how we can get her to show up."
"This isn't funny anymore, Jenna!" Coop said. "Who the hell are you talking about?"
"The female vampire that infected Doug, you Goddamn num-nut!"
"Oh."
"First, we're going to need protection." She made a sudden and hard turn into a Catholic Church parking lot.
"Jenna, I don't think this is the time or place for that sort of thing. I mean, this is a church, for Chrissakes!"
"Exactly, Coop," Jenna said. He then looked down and smiled.
"All right. I'll do anything once." Just then he leaned up to start kissing her and stuffing his hand up her top.
"Not THAT kind of protection, asshole!" she said. "We need holy water and crosses."
"Whoa, Whoa!" Coop said backing off. "You aint, like, turning exorcist on me are ya?"
"Excuse me?" Jenna said.
"I'm not down with that kinky shit you want to do with crosses. Leave me out."
"I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SEX!!!!!" Jenna screamed. "Now come on." She got out and waited for Coop. "Moron!"
They stole into the church as Jenna signaled for Coop to follow her to the christening pot. She emptied out her bottle of perfume to fill it with holy water.
"Thank God I finally can get rid of this cheap stuff," she said.
"But... I gave you that perfume," said Coop.
"Keep a look out while I'm doing this." Coop nodded and looked at his side. He watched the entire front of the church, keeping a strict hawk's eye on the surroundings. Nothing was going to slip by his observant eye.
"Might I ask what you're doing, Miss?" a voice from behind Jenna said. She turned to it quickly and saw that Coop was looking in the wrong direction.
"My friend and I are in need of a little holy water," she said. "Look, it's not much. Just a little bottleful right here." She showed him the bottle. She glanced back toward Coop who was still standing and waiting for any slight difference that should alert him. He was like a cat ready to pounce.
"Might I inquire as to your use for this?" the priest asked.
"Well... I.... Coop?"
"Not now, Jenna, I'm keeping a look out for vampires."
Jenna rubbed her cheek as her eyes rolled into her head.
"Vampires, you say?..."
"Not really--" The priest cut her off.
"Well, I suggest some garlic, crucifixes and perhaps a nice wooden stake to finish em off. Am I forgetting anything? Those silly movies have so many ways of killing off vampires that one loses track, sometimes."
"I think you have to, like, cut off their heads," Coop added Jenna shot a miserably frustrated look at him.
"I know how it must sound," she said, "but it's not for vampires. It's for... A movie about vampires." She put down the bottle. "See, we're shooting a scene where a vampire gets doused with holy water and we just came to get some from your very lovely church right here."
"This is for a movie?" the priest smiled.
"Yes," Jenna said shrinking. Lying to a priest inside of the church... How much lower could I sink?
"Is it possible that you could shoot the scene... with tap water, perhaps?"
Coop was still on the look-out.
"He's allergic!" Jenna said quickly. "He can only be sprayed with actual holy water... Because the other kind breaks him out in a rash."
"I see," the priest said. "But you realize that, biologically, holy water is still the exact same bio-chemical make-up even when it's been blessed, right? If he's allergic to water from the faucet, most certainly he's allergic to holy water as well."
Jenna looked down. Coop was still standing in the same area watching intently for anything out of the ordinary. "God, Jenna, you sound so fucking stupid," he said.
"Well, you see, I..." Suddenly Jenna pulled her top open right in front of the priest, and without a bra on that night.
"My virgin eyes!" the priest screamed.
Coop shot around. "Oh shit!" he smiled.
"Run, Coop!" she said. They took off out of the church, holy water and all.
"Forgive me, Father, for I am about to sin... numerous times," the priest said as he closed himself up into the confessional booth, making sure no one else was around.
"That was fucking... awesome!" Coop said. "Did you see the look on his face--"
"Oh my God," Jenna said. "Lying, stealing, *flashing a priest!* All inside of the house of God!"
"Oh yeah, I got some crosses," Coop said.
"Let's just get this over with." They headed back to the car and went in the direction that would take them back to Coop's house.
