This and more can be found at the Trey Parker and Matt Stone Movie Fanfic Website. And yes, this is my creation. Check the emails. Google or Yahoo! to find it. I can't post links here. You can also check my profile for the address.


BASEketball Nights
Written by Lavonne Eudy

Part Five
The house was eerily quiet. Jenna and Coop eased out of the car and sneaked around to the back.

"All right when I give the signal, you jump and grab which ever one we come across first."

"Okay," Coop said. "Wait... What kind of signal?"

"Any signal I give," Jenna said.

"But what if I think you're giving me a signal and I jump when you don't want me to?"

From behind them while they were arguing were Remer and Squeak.

"Damn it, Coop, you'll know what signal I'm giving you!"

"Is this, like, the quote-unquote 'signals' you chicks claim to give but we end up taking the wrong way, anyway? Or is this more easy to recognize?"

"I will say, 'now,' all right?"

"Say what, now?"

"No! That's the signal! It's now!"

"Do it now?" Coop asked.

"NO! I will say the *word*: 'now'!"

"What word?"

"If you see Remer and Squeak at all, just hit one of them!"

"Oh. Okay."

Jenna looked through the window. "I think I see one of them. All right, one... two... three--" Just then Remer grabbed Jenna. Before Coop could notice it, Squeak had a hold on Coop. Then they collided their heads against the house. Both fell unconscious to the ground.

"Wakie, wakie, hands off snakee," said a voice from beyond. Coop shook his head as his eyes slowly opened to a pounding headache and blurred vision. It took a moment, but he realized that he was tied to a chair and Jenna was right beside of him. When he looked up, he saw Squeak and Remer standing over him, smiling with their sharp teeth and red eyes.

Ascertaining that he was in trouble, Coop cleared his throat and said, "Look, all right I didn't know that was your Baywatch tape. I tried to find the collection--"

"Shut up, you mortal loser!" Remer said. "What's the deal with the holy water?" Coop looked at Jenna who was starting to rouse.

"That was all her, dude, I had nothing to do with it!"

"What!" she said.

Squeak then spoke up: "If that's true, then why'd we find these crucifixes on you?" he said holding it between hot dog tongs.

Coop smiled sheepishly.

"Not that I'm ungrateful... but why haven't you killed us yet?" Jenna asked.

"Oh, we're going to, totally. But first, we thought you might want to have a choice."

"You see," Squeak added, "we've found that being a vampire isn't half-bad. Sure, you can't be in sunlight, have to sleep in coffins, and all you eat from now on is blood, but you have to see past all of that."

"Because the rest of it," interjected Remer, "is sweet, sweet, sweet!"

"You're sick!" Jenna cried.

"I'm listening," Coop said. Jenna shot her eyes right to him.

"Well, first of all: there's the flying part--"

"Dude, you can fly!" Coop said.

"I can hear people's thoughts; see a sign clearly from three miles away; hear a whisper from a telephone receiver thirty yards away. It's the coolest thing! Not to mention--"

"This is crazy!" Jenna cried. "You're a monster, Satan's minion--"

"Jenna, do you mind!" Coop said. "I'm trying to listen to this."

"Yeah, you're being totally rude," Remer said.

Coop looked back at Remer. "Go on," he said.

"All right, what was I saying--Oh yeah. Not to mention you can live for, like, ever!"

"Oh, cool!" Coop smiled. "Wait--how do you know?"

Remer's brows lowered in thought. Squeak took this one. "Well, the way we look at it is, we're already dead. And we're still moving around, walking, talking. We have to live forever like this, cuz we can't get anymore dead than this."

"That makes sense," Remer said.

"I've heard enough. I'm in, dude."

"WHAT?!" Jenna said.

"Look, this is my decision. The least you could do, if you're not going to support me, is to be quiet about it."

"Coop, you can't be serious!"

"Why not? This sounds really cool. I have the right to become a vampire if I want to."

"Coop, I forbid you to do this!"

Squeak came up and flicked his hand in the air, going, "Whoo-keesh!" like the crack a whip makes.

"You don't tell me what to do, bitch!" Coop said when his dignity came into question.

Jenna's jaw dropped in shock. "That's it, Coop, we're through!"

"Fine!" Coop said. "I'll find another chick, anyways, once I become so cool and darkly irresistible."

Remer smiled and nodded as he untied Coop. When he was free, Remer lead him to another room.

"I can't watch this," Jenna said turning the other way.

She heard the door shut behind him and opened her eyes. Squeak was smiling at her.

"You know, you're still hot for a mortal chick."

"Uh... Thhhhanks," she said.

"I was thinking, since you and Coop aren't an item anymore, I was wondering if--"

"Not even if we were the last two people on Earth, Kenny," Jenna said quickly.

Squeak turned away mouthing the word, "Damn it," to himself. Remer came back, wiping the blood from his lips.

"Coop's resting," he said.

"This is insane!" Jenna said. "You two are going down! I swear it on everything I own!"

"Dude, let me bite her," Squeak said. Remer held him back.

"Now, now. We promised we would give them a choice."

"I've already made up my mind!" Jenna said. "I would rather eat pimento loaf!"

Remer and Squeak pulled back instantly. "Eeeewe!" they said.

"Look, it's either this ..." Remer said as he began to float through the room, "or we could kill you and you die a normal, honorable death." Then he returned to the ground. "And I wouldn't want to die, right now, if I were you. Not after the little church fiasco, earlier."

Jenna's eyes widened. "How'd you?..."

Remer tapped his head.

"All right!" she said. "I'll do it."

When Squeak and Remer left the room where Coop and Jenna were sleeping, they looked at each other. "Ya know," said Squeak, "this could be global."

"How so?"

"Why not just populate the world, make them all like us. A super human race that can fly, read minds, see and hear with amazing accuracy, and just live off of blood."

"Hmm, I like where this is going," Remer said.