Chapter Five

He couldn't move, he couldn't breathe.

It made no sense. What was she doing here, sleeping in his bed? They'd been apart almost two years, and she was supposed to be with Carter.

His feet carried him toward the bed. As if in a trance, he sank to his knees beside her. Her hair was tousled around her face, and his brows drew together when he saw a teartrack dried across her cheek. His hand reached toward her, gently brushing a lock of hair from her face.

He loved watching her sleep. He remembered other times, better times, when he'd stayed awake just so he could watch her sleep. It seemed to be the only time her demons deserted her. The only time she was truly at ease, the only time she let herself be vulnerable.

A shaky breath escaping his lips, he dropped his head to the edge of the bed. He squeezed his eyes shut against the stinging moisture that formed behind his lids. She was so close, yet she was still so far away.

He lifted his head as she stirred. She shifted, a soft moan escaping her lips as she adjusted the sheet clutched to her chest. Her eyes fluttered, and Luka's breath caught. He stared at her, his heartbeat suspended as she made a soft sound of distress. A tear slid from the corner of her eye, and he couldn't take it anymore.

He touched her shoulder. "Abby?" he whispered. "Abby, wake up. You're having a bad dream."

Her eyes flew open. For a moment she was disoriented, lost in the swirling space between wakefulness and sleep. Then her head turned toward him and her eyes focused. She bolted upright. "Oh, my God!" she gasped, dragging her hair away from her face and flinging the sheet away. She stumbled off of the bed and looked around frantically, though she wasn't sure what she was searching for.

"I'm so sorry," she said in a rush. "I know I have no right to be here. I just...didn't expect you to be here, and I figured that no one would ever know I was here so it wouldn't really hurt if I stayed for a few hours, and..."

She trailed off when Luka's hands settled on her shoulders. She swallowed the lump that suddenly formed in her throat. His touch sent a shiver of heat through her. She clamped her eyes shut and turned her head away, fighting the urge to sink into him, to throw herself into his embrace and weep. There was a terrible pain building up inside her, a potent mixture of embarrassment, regret, and lost love. If she didn't get out of here quick, she was going to do something stupid, like blurt out that she loved him. If she did and he rebuffed her, her last illusion would be shattered. She'd have nothing left to hold onto.

"I'm sorry," she said again. "I'll go. I just need to get my jacket. I'll give you back your key. It's in my pocket."

His hands tightened slightly on her shoulders. "I don't want you to go, Abby," he said quietly. "I want you to tell me what's going on."

She tipped her head up to meet his eyes, which were black and fathomless in the dim light filtering into the room. He was all shadows and mysteries, hidden pain and unquestionable strength, and he was perfect. He was everything she wanted, everything she needed.

She'd spent the past two weeks coming up with a plan, and it had been perfect. When he returned, she was going to come to him, lay everything on the line. She was going to apologize for never holding up her end of the relationship, and she was going to tell him in clean, simple words that she'd like a second chance. But that had all been in her mind. Now that he was here, staring at her with concern and confusion in those beautiful eyes, she couldn't seem to make the words come out. She should have known it wouldn't be easy.

"I couldn't sleep," she started. She took a deep breath and forced herself to focus. Just being near him made her thoughts scatter like fallen leaves on a windy autumn day.

Luka nudged her toward the bed and sat on the edge. She did the same, sitting beside him but not quite touching. "I'd lay in bed for hours," she said, "just lay there and stare at the ceiling. I couldn't sleep. I tried everything. Television, reading, you name it...nothing worked. So I decided go out and walk around for a while. If nothing else, I'd exhaust myself until I passed out. But walking didn't help either."

She glanced up at him and found him watching her quietly, no questions, letting her say what she needed to say at her own pace. She loved him for that. "I went to the lake and watched the stars. I thought about you," she admitted with a soft, fleeting smile. "I wondered where you were, how you were doing. When you were coming back."

She looked away for a moment, remembering her desolation at the thought he might not come back. But he was here now, and he was waiting for her explanation. "I finally headed back toward home, but before I knew it I was standing in front of your building, looking up at your window. And I realized I still had your key from when I stayed with you last year. I know I shouldn't have gone inside, but I was lonely, and it..."

She stopped again, the words lodging in her throat. She wasn't good at talking about her feelings. She'd never really shared what was in her heart with anyone before; not her mother, not Richard, not Luka, not Carter. But she'd promised herself she was going to correct that this time around.

"It what?" Luka whispered.

It was a long moment before the words came. But she met his eyes when she said, "Being here felt good. At first I told myself I'd just sit down for a minute. Then I decided to lay down for a bit, just to rest before heading the rest of the way home. But before I knew it I'd fallen asleep, and then it was morning, and I realized I'd gotten some decent sleep for the first time in weeks."

Luka absorbed this, trying to decide what if anything it meant. So she hadn't been sleeping either. She'd also laid alone in bed at night as the minutes slowly ticked away. But he was confused. Why hadn't she been with Carter? Why hadn't he been there to help her get to sleep? "What about Carter?" he asked.

"We're...not together anymore," she told him. "We'd been having problems lately, and we ended it about a week ago."

"Is that why you couldn't sleep?" he asked.

"Not really. I couldn't sleep before that. I just...couldn't stop thinking about you. I miss you, Luka." She blinked rapidly. She couldn't lose it now. She had to get through this, because if she stopped, she wasn't sure she'd have the courage to finish it later.

Luka's eyes slid shut. His head dipped low. "I miss you too, Abby."

"I want to apologize to you," Abby said.

"You don't owe me any apologies," Luka said quietly.

"No, I don't mean about staying here while you were gone. I...I'm sorry for every awful thing I ever said to you. And for every good thing I didn't."

He looked up and saw the sincerity in her eyes. He could also see how hard it was for her to open up this way. She'd never done it before, and she was struggling to do it now. But the point was that she was trying. "We both made mistakes," he told her. "We both said and did things we shouldn't have."

"All you ever did was try to be there for me," she said, talking more to herself now. She stared absently at the wall, tears rising to the surface when she felt his hand cover hers. "And I pushed you away because I was scared."

"What were you scared of?"

"I was scared that if you saw how screwed up my life was you'd run for the hills." She gave a self-deprecating laugh and shook her head. "Which is stupid because I was just as likely to lose you by shutting you out as I was by letting you in."

He couldn't keep the hurt from his voice. "You thought I'd leave if you talked about yourself? About your family?"

Abby choked on a sob. She dragged a hand through her hair and took a few halting breaths. "When I was little, my mom would come pick me up from school, and sometimes she'd be manic. She'd make a scene in front of all the other kids, and then for the next few days kids would avoid me. They'd give me strange looks and talk behind my back. And then I'd go home and pray for God to give me a mom who wasn't like that."

Her hands scraped at her cheeks, wiping away the stubborn tears that wouldn't stay inside. A tremor ran through her, shimmying up her spine and down her arms. She propped her elbows on her knees and dropped her head into her hands.

"I never learned how to be with people," she said brokenly. "I just did what I could to protect Eric and never let anyone else in. Because I loved my mom and she just kept hurting me. And I was...I was scared that if I let you get too close, you'd learn all these terrible things about me, and you wouldn't think I was worth putting up with the trouble for."

It was a long moment before Luka could find his voice. It was a new experience, having Abby bear her soul to him, and her words broke his heart. When his children had been born, he'd wanted to do everything for them. He'd vowed never to let them down. It hurt knowing she hadn't had that devotion, that she'd had to grow up far before her time.

"I didn't care if your family had problems," he said to her. "Every family has problems. I just wanted to be with you."

"I know that now," she whispered. She glanced up at him but couldn't hold his gaze. She felt raw, hollowed out inside. And, so quietly Luka had to strain to hear her, she added, "And you don't know how sorry I am not to have realized it in time."

"In time for what?" he managed, his own voice choked with emotion.

"In time to save us."

Luka dropped his head toward his chest, fighting to reign in his emotions. He needed to keep his head clear, at least long enough to understand if they really did have a second chance to make things work. Could he really be that lucky? Could he really win her back after making the heart- wrenching decision to let her go for good?

"Maybe you did," he said softly. "Maybe we can talk things through some more and see where that takes us."

Abby's breath hitched as their tear-stained gazes met. "Do you mean that?" she breathed. He nodded, and a sob broke from her lips. "Can I...?" she asked, her eyes wide, hope not fully concealed. Her hands were shaking as she held them out.

"Of course." He opened his arms, and she leaned into the strength of his embrace. His arms enfolded her, his hands gently caressing her back. He rested his head on hers and sighed.

Abby buried her face against his chest as tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. She fisted her hands in the soft material of his shirt and breathed in his scent. This was where she was meant to be, she thought, right here in his arms, tucked up against his heart. This was where she always wanted to be.

Neither one of them wanted the embrace to end. They'd both spent so many endless nights dreaming of being back in each other's arms. And now that they were here, where they belonged, they never wanted to move.

It could have been a few minutes later, it could have been an hour, but eventually they pulled apart. They moved only far enough to look into each other's eyes. They didn't speak, at least not with words. They watched each other in the dim light, their eyes saying things their lips weren't yet ready to.

Luka stifled a yawn. If he hadn't been tired enough before, jet lag was starting to catch up with him. He knew there was more he needed to say to Abby, and he was afraid if he didn't say it soon, she'd get scared and close up again. That was the last thing he wanted. They were finally headed in the right direction, and he didn't want to lose momentum.

"You need to get some sleep," Abby said as she caught him yawning again. "I should go."

"I want you to stay," he said, his hand cupping her face. He brushed his thumb across her cheek. "I think now I won't be able to sleep if you're not here."

"Are you sure?" she felt compelled to ask.

He touched his lips to hers, lightly, sweetly. Conversation could wait until tomorrow, he decided. Right now he wanted nothing more than to fall asleep with her curled up against his side. "Yes."