By: Stealiana
I awoke to find everything as I had left it the night before. My obi lay wrinkled in a heap beside the futon, and there were no signs that he had come back - except that the door was open. Had he returned, or had the door been open the entire night? I could not remember, but I banished the thought from my mind, preoccupied with the prospect of an entire day ahead of me. An entire day to calm my fears.
I wrapped my obi about my chest again, realizing I had not brought any of my clothing into my new room yet. All my things were still packed away where they had been left for me to sift through the next day. My kimonos, my obis, my sandals and wooden shoes… everything was neatly folded and packaged in several bundles. I did not have much to bring with me; my family was not extremely wealthy as of late, even with my father's position. All the better, for now I had less work to do.
Busying myself with menial labor allowed my thoughts to drift. I began to draw his profile in my head, his long black hair, tied back with a few straggling bangs that resisted his efforts. His eyes… their gold shade sparkled in the candlelight, but they were so cold and calculating as he had stared at his cigarette. And his thin lips, pursed together in silent thought. Each aspect joined together to create the face of a man who was now my husband but still a stranger.
I found I had finished putting my possessions in their place and was now merely staring at my hands in my lap. With a sudden desire to erase him from my thoughts, I stood to examine my new surroundings. The deadened silence of the house began to grate on my nerves. The bareness of every room merely accented the dire need the home had for a woman's touch. In my exploration, I came across the kitchen and was pleasantly surprised to find a snowy white envelope sitting on a table against the wall. My name was on it in a firm but elegant kanji, which I assumed was written by him, as I did not recognize the hand. Inside, I found a rather significant amount of money - I could only deduce this was meant for my own use.
As I peered into the envelope, I felt immediate guilt. Really, was he such a bad man? For all his silence and those strange words he said, he had not forced himself upon me or even hit me as I have heard so many other women complain of their husbands. This had even been left for me to spend as I deemed necessary…
I put the money back down, unsure of what to do with it. Of course, it was sorely needed to improve many lacking features of this empty dwelling. However, I found myself wishing instead that I knew what his favorite food was, so that I might buy and prepare it in hopes of making amends. Good food won the hearts of many, and putting forth such an effort would show that I wished to serve him as best I could.
The day drew on slowly, and I found myself only able to think of my embarrassment from the previous night. Tonight will be different, I told myself. I will make sure of it.
I nearly burnt the gyoza I was preparing, but I awoke from my broodings in time to catch myself. I set out two cushions and the little table, proceeding to kneel and wait with my food to eat with him. The sky was growing dark; surely he would come home for dinner. His employers must know he was a newlywed… I went to reheat the food, absently stirring it about. The hours ticked by, I suppose, for there was no clock in the room and I had no watch. The silence of the night became even more oppressive than the one that had accompanied me during the sunlit daytime. After starting the fire for the last of innumerable times, I abandoned the thought, as my mind had invented new terrors to keep me occupied. As I set the cold bowls down, I wondered: Was he even coming home tonight at all? Had he left me? Was the money the last I would ever hear from him? The cold eyes I had seen the night before had seemed capable of anything, even the murder his lips had professed. But my father had said he was a good man - so he wouldn't… would he?
My troubled mind unknowingly cast me into a fitful slumber. All I could see was a pair of golden eyes constantly watching me. I shouted, I begged, I implored - I even cursed, which as a lady I wasn't supposed to do - but the eyes would not look away. Smoke floated before my vision and I even felt myself choking in my sleep, the coughing at last waking me.
The gyoza was frigid by now, the sun rather high in the sky, indicating it was at least midmorning if not later. No sign of him. My dread lay in the very bottom of my stomach, refusing to leave as I cleaned up. I did not even have anyone to contact or anywhere to go if I wanted to find him… so much I did not know about this man! And how would he be thinking of me? Timid, childish, innocent? I almost felt offended at the thought, convincing myself that tonight I would wait up for him again, and prove I was not the simpering child he must think me to be.
I made my way to the bedroom looking for a fresh yukata to wear. By accident, I opened the wrong drawer and nearly cried out with surprise.
Several katanas lay stacked against the bottom, which in itself was not shocking. But the greenish blue fabric folded neatly, with only a few visible white triangles on the sleeve caused me to step back and gape stupidly.
I realized I was married to a member of the Shinsengumi.
