Through My Eyes
By: Stealiana

I always thought it to be a pity that I did not try to escape that house more often in those early days. In my idealism, I carried the conception that the best way to establish a new order was to obliterate the previous. I took my cue from the revolution, pulling myself from the comfortably cool waters of family stability and throwing myself into a boiling pot of insecurity. While this method seems to be all that works for governments, perhaps it would have been better for me if I eased myself into the role of wife and homemaker. If I had but friends to visit in this area, then perhaps it would have been a less chaotic transition.

It was because I knew no one within short traveling distance that I was so surprised to hear a knock at the door the next afternoon. Clearly, he had not been expecting company - he had left earlier that morning without a word about the night before. When I reached the door, I was even more shocked to see that it was a young man standing patiently on the steps. He blinked when he saw me peer cautiously about the screen.

"Is Saito-san here?" The boy smiled cheerfully.

"No, I'm sorry." I replied apologetically. "He's out for the day." I did not care to tell the boy that it could be for more than a day, or that one unfortunate night, it might be forever.

"Do you mind if I wait for him?" The indefatigable smile he brandished worked so well in disarming me!

"Not at all! Please come in… ah…" I realized it was probably not the smartest thing to do, letting in strangers, now that I was the wife of Shinsengumi. But, I reasoned, I would have been no safer at my father's house - except here, I was alone. Nevertheless, I allowed the boy to enter, rebelling against my own sense. So far it hadn't steered me very well anyway!

"I'm so sorry! How terribly rude of me!" The boy was apologizing, interrupting my dark thoughts. "My name is Okita Souji." He smiled again. "You must be his wife… Tokio?" I nodded, rather surprised he knew my name when I had no idea who he was, although the name sounded familiar. Perhaps he had been the source of gossip at some point, though I could not imagine why. He had such an innocent smile…

"Ah well, that makes sense!" The boy rattled on, paying no heed to my brooding. "Now I know why he has been so gloomy and refused to drink with me last night - he was waiting to go home to you the whole time!" I must have had a strange look on my face, for suddenly the boy broke into a laugh. "Ah, but what am I saying? I'm sorry, I really am being impolite, aren't I! Saito-san is always telling me I should watch what I say. 'Think before you speak, Okita-kun!' But… it's all too short to waste on thinking!"

"How do you know my husband?" I asked quietly as I led the way inside.

"I used to work with him." My heart stopped and my breath caught in my throat. Was this what Japan was turning its young men into? Ruthless killers, thirsting for blood? And I had been oblivious to the waves of change all these years! I could not really blame myself though; my father may have been an Aizu official, but I knew next to nothing about the political events. He would never say much, except to perhaps my mother, and I never really cared to know, in all my stupidity, thinking it would never affect me. If only I had kept my ears open during the last few months, I would not be at such a disadvantage now, wandering lost in a forest of strange creatures.

Not that I had been completely deaf to the increasing cries for revolution. The streets always carried interesting news, but the things one heard were never really the truth behind the matter. Every gossip had her version of the truth, and after awhile the conflicting stories would utterly confuse me, so I gave up on them. The only time I received unadulterated facts were the infrequent occasions I would overhear my father's conversations with other officials who came to visit. That was where I had heard the boy's name!

"…I am surprised they have such a young man - Okita, did you say? - as a unit leader. No experience! But, you know, the greener the wood that catches aflame, the longer it smolders. And anyway, he really is damn good at what he does!"

This young man with the smile plastered across his face as if he had not a care in the world… he was a Shinsengumi leader! My awe over his status did not make me overlook the strange way Okita had phrased his answer, and I pounced upon it like a ravenous beast.

"Used to work with him?" I questioned, hoping he would not think me too inquisitive. Any shreds of information I could retrieve on my husband could only help to fill in the inexplicable gaps of his silence.

Okita shrugged, his cheerful tone slowly diminishing with every word. "We do not run into one another as often. Circumstances have changed."

"Oh?" I said offering him a seat in the front room. "He never did say what division he worked under - was he moved?" The boy burst out laughing and I fought to keep myself from getting angry. Was it my fault that my husband refused to say anything to me? My lips tugged against my forced smile, trying to break into a scowl and my brows pushed downward. I merely covered my mouth with the back of my hand, trying to gain my composure, while appearing to stifle an embarrassed laugh. Painfully obvious were hints of something dark hidden in the laughter; I knew I was treading upon unsteady ground. What was this boy hiding behind those sparkling eyes?

"He's the commander of the third unit! One of our best!" His excessive laughter caused him to suddenly cough, quite violently, his face growing deathly pale. But his smile persisted, wavering only slightly as he swallowed to subdue the spasms. I stood, offering him a drink. He shook his head, but I scoffed and went to retrieve one anyway. When I returned, he seemed to be perfectly normal again. The color had returned to his face, and he was full of energy and gaiety. Without any reference to his coughing spell, I placed the drink down in front of me and resumed our conversation.

"You will have to forgive me for my ignorance," I smiled kindly at him. "My husband is so busy he does not have a chance to tell me everything and I find I do not know as much as perhaps I should."

"I understand." Okita's voice had a sympathetic thread deep within. "Saito-san doesn't share much." With a much softer laugh, the boy's eyes twinkled. "You would not believe how long it took to pry a confession out of him!"

"Confession?" It was hopeless to hide my curiosity; the boy's playful attitude was contagious.

"Yes!" Okita grinned. "Ever since we heard he was getting married rumors have been drifting back and forth, but when we found out he was marrying you - well! That caused quite a commotion. No one really understood how it came about and he would merely answer that it was arranged. But, we were drinking one night, not too long ago, and I commented that he had done extremely well for an arranged marriage, particularly since most daughters of such officials already have a match. But he looked at me, with a rather self-congratulatory grin on his face, and you know what he said? 'You have a great deal to learn, Okita. There are many ways to make people do what you wish. The truth is they can all be wound and set like a watch, to whatever time you want. And I happen to know exactly what it is I want.' I don't think I will ever find out how he did it, but I was very surprised! He all but said that he had an interest in you, and for him to confess such a thing-"

The boy kept talking, his face rather flushed. I was rather shocked to hear Okita telling me such things - he seemed to have no sense of my embarrassment about his repeating a conversation in which I was the subject. Secretly, I could not deny that I was glad to hear his words; they provided me with the comfort of knowing that I was - well, I could not say I was loved - wanted, at least. A flicker of warmth was embedded in my heart during Okita's story, and I felt a renewed courage that perhaps my efforts would not be in vain. My thoughts were bent on learning to love my husband, and thankfully I seemed to grow closer to that goal with every step. I felt myself smile and my heartbeat quicken; my hope revived - I was not locked in the loveless marriage I had begun to envision.

Yet suspicion waited patiently in the back of my mind, lingering quietly until I had added another piece to the gaps in my husband, the enigma. Why was this boy telling me this story? I found it difficult to believe that he would be a gossip - members of the Shinsengumi would be killed for having loose tongues. Secrecy was essential in fighting the rebels, and as a captain, would he not be more informed than most? His willingness to share rather private information with someone he hardly knew puzzled me, and I found it rather disturbing. Something was not right, I sensed, and his incessant chatter and feverishly glinting eyes roamed my smiling face as if they were searching for something. I knew I had touched upon an inconsistency in his behavior, much as I had picked up before during our conversation. Circumstances had changed, and now he was talking as if silence would strangle him…

"Don't you think?" He smiled, awaiting my reaction. I laughed politely and smiled, hoping it was not too transparent. He was a very nice young man, but I found myself wary and on the defensive.

"Okita, you embarrass me by speaking of such things! But you have left me much to think about…" He looked about to laugh before he thought better of it, instead picking up the drink I had left and taking a sip.

"Can I get you anything else?" I asked, taking the opportunity to attempt an escape.

"No, I'm fine!" He waved the offer away. "You don't have to worry about me. I've taken you away from your work - I didn't mean to interrupt you!"

"That's very kind of you." I stood and bowed. "You may wait here as long as you wish."

"Ah, thank you!" Okita nodded his head in gratitude. I bowed again and left for the kitchen.

No, Okita, I thought. Thank you. You have given me much to think about…