Author's Note: The second book of TF: Lux Eterna. And yes, this is a completed fic, so don't ask when I'll be updating it, okay? ~_^
Warnings: Death, destruction, mayhem, telepathic teens, robo-yaoi, mostly OCs
Disclaimer: Transformers and it's canon characters belong to Hasbro/Takara. I claim all the OCs and take full responsibility for conjuring up the plotline of this fic. Lyrics quoted as listed.
Chapter 5: Alone Beyond Tears
I wish that you would just leave.
Cause your presence still lingers here,
And it won't leave me alone.
These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
- Evanescence, "My Immortal"
March, 2002
Nayla felt herself dragged into the first instant of the new bond. She could feel Variance's surprise . . . and Neo's gloating. Then Neo roughly shoved her away. The snap back to reality left her reeling and unsteady. If she had not already been sitting, she would have fallen."Nayla? Easy, little one, easy. . . ."
She looked up at Morpheus in bewilderment. How had he come to be there? And for that matter, why was she sitting on the floor at his feet? She was quite certain that she had been in her loft, sitting on her bed only a moment before.
"This is not a side effect I would have expected," the warrior priest rumbled as he lifted her up to his shoulder. "What happened?"
"I . . . I was sorting my homework and then suddenly I was overwhelmed by Variance and Neo. That was a most disorienting experience. Then Neo pushed me away. I knew I needed to see you . . . and then you were here. . . ."
"More like you came to me, little one," the black warrior replied with a gentle smile. Nayla looked arund, startled to find herself in the private room Morpheus shared with Neo.
"I teleported? But . . . but I don't remember even trying! I've always had to concentrate before . . . and I've never 'ported myself!"
"It would seem that now you have," her mentor replied quietly. "I suppose it was inevitable. But what do you mean you were overwhelmed by Variance and Neo? He didn't forget to shield you out again, did he?"
"No . . . no, this felt more like . . . like I was drawn into it. Whatever it was, Neo wasted no time in shoving me away. I have not been able to sense Variance since."
She could feel Morpheus listening for the words she did not say, absorbing her experiences as she recalled them. It was not pleasant for her; Neo had flaunted his relationship with Variance before, but this time had felt different. And when she was done, a crystalline anger burned through him, the like of which she had never seen before.
"Go home," he whispered, his voice a dangerously low tone. "Go home, Nayla, and wait for Variance to return."
Fear gripped the pit of her stomache, but she dared not go against Morpheus's desires. She focused on herself, using all the same tricks she remembered from shifting other objects to ger her back to her apartment. It worked, but she could tell even as she did it that here had to be a better way.
Variance was awakened abruptly by the forceful presence of Morpheus. He had no idea how the telepath had gained access to the room, nor did he know why. He was reasonably certain, however, that the commander's wrath would soon be unleashed.
"How dare you!" the spymaster growled as he jerked Neo to his feet. "How dare you! You have broken our most sacred rules. You have violated the very thing for which we fight an die! How dare you presume to steal away his right to chose?!"
"I didn't steal anything!" Neo hissed back. "I gave him what he wanted, what he was too afraid to ask for himself.
"And did it not occur to you, pupil mine, that he might have good reason for his reticence?"
"Bah! That girl. . . ."
"That girl is worth more than your hide right now," Morpheus growled in low warning. "Variance, go home. Rest there. You need not witness any more of this."
"He is --"
"I know what he is, Variance. Now do as I say."
Any further argument died unsaid at the baleful glare from the spymaster. He knew he had some rights as Neo's bonded mate . . . but Morpheus possessed them as well. And more as their command and as senior telepath. But mostly, Variance fled because he dared not refue Morpheus's wrath.
He was feeling decidedly unwell by the time he reached his apartment. Neo's emotions had turned into a dark and vicous broil that roiled through his thoughts, a miasma of anger emanating from their new-forged bond.
Bonded. By Neo's will. Oh, he couldn't say that he wdidn't want Neo as his bondmate . . . but he hadn't chosen. Neo had, for both of them, purposefully fogging him with pleasure until he hadn't been able to do anything but what Neo wanted.
"Well . . . I hope you are happy. . . ."
Variance's head jerked up at the bitter tone of Nayla's voice. The teen stood in the door to her suite, obviously angry. He tried to piece together what could have her so enraged, but the cloud of dark emotion streaming from Neo was making it hard to concentrate.
"You selfish bastard. . . ."
"Nayla. . . ."
"Did you even stop for one moment to consider what might happen to me?"
"Nayla. . . ."
"I have given you everything, and this is how you repay me?"
"Nayla, please. . . ."
"I gave you my life!" she screamed, and for a moment he thought she might actually go so far as to throw something at him.
"Nayla, please believe me when I say I have never wanted to hurt you. . . ."
"Well you failed," she growled, turning around abruptly and stalking back into her room. Variance sank deeper into his chair, absently rubbing his left temple. Everything had been going so well. . . . How had he managed to make everything go so terribly wrong?
Nayla cancelled her classes for the rest of the week, refusing to even see Render when her tutor tried to find out why. She refused to see anyone, particularly Variance. And while she knew it wasn't wise, her anger with the tactician was too strong.
It was late on the fourth day before she finally re-emerged from her room. The antechamber was empty, so she left the apartment, making her way through the night-darkened cruiser to the main rec room. It was mostly empty, of course, but there were a few Autobots present. The Dinobots were sitting quietly at the far end of the room, crowded around a vid screen as they watched a James Bond movie. At one of the side tables, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker were quietly discussing something over steaming mugs, seemingly oblivious to their surroundings. And in another corner of the room, Skids was patiently teaching Valkyrie how to play what looked surprisingly like t'khat. She didn't really feel like socializing, but she also didn't feel like being alone. So she ordered a moderately extravagant meal from the replicator and found herself a safe place to sit where she could still see the movie. Not that she was a great fan of the Brosnan Bond, but it was better than nothing.
"Not seen you in many days. Others worried," Swoop whispered, much to the annoyance of his brother Dinobots. She didn't say anything, mereling smiling as she sipped her tea. Really, she didn't know what to say, nor did she wish to disturb the other Dinobots.
"Nayla okay?"
"Swoop! Quiet! Us trying to watch movie!" Slag growled with a surprisingly good-natured grin. Nayla fought down a giggle at Swoop's silently apologetic look; the movie was mostly over anyway. In fact, the movie ended before she was more than half finished with her dinner. Swoop smiled at her briefly, then left with his brothers.
"Interesting company you keep. . . ."
"Hmm? Oh . . . hello Sunstreaker, Sideswipe."
"Haven't seen you in quite awhile," Sideswipe commented off-handedly.
"No, I . . . have not been interested in companionship."
"Would it bother you if we used this screen?"
"N-no, of course not," she replied quietly, surprised to have been even asked. Particularly since it was Sunstreaker who was asking. The yellow warrior was well know for his disregard for other Autobots. How she rated any better, she didn't know.
"Geh . . . remind me why I agreed to this, Sun?"
"Because this is the only free space in your schedule for the next ten days. Now stop whining and get to work!"
"Jawohl, Herr Sonne!" Sideswipe replied with a crips salute and a cocky grin.
"Perhaps I should leave. . . ."
"No, no, please stay. It's just squadron shuffling. But you have to promise not to tell anyone about this. Mum's the word and all that."
"Right. If the others knew how we planned rotations, they'd lynch Sideswipe in a New York minute. Besides, you haven't finished your dinner yet."
Both brothers favored her with amused smiles before turning their attention to the videoscreen. To her increasing bemusement, the two brothers were shuffling the duty roster and shifting personnel, not based on logic or strategic value, but by the chance of darts. They would override anything that seemed too strange or unworkable, but for the most part, they let random chance reign.
"Gah! Why does that little twerp always end up under my command?"
"He doesn't always end up with you. Last time, we stuffed him on monitor duty."
"And he's bitched about it every day since. Ungrateful little bastard. You'd think he'd be happy to get off night watch, but is he? Noooo . . . of course not!"
"So throw him at Ironhide. They're suited to each other."
"You should trade Neo and Stiker," Nayla suggested calmly, cradling her cup of tea in both hands as she studied the complete duty roster.
"Eh? Hmm . . . well, that would give him more open shifts to match with Morpheus," Sideswip mused.
"And put him in opposition to Variance," Sunstreaker noted dryly. The yellow warrior gazed down at her while his brother frowned at the roster. She could feel his optics on her, but she didn't look up at him.
"But then that's why you suggested it, isn't it?" the golden commander murmured.
"Still mad at 'im, eh?" Sideswipe added gently.
"I have every right. . . ."
"Why? Because he chose something for himself without consulting you first? Don't you think that's a little . . . childish?"
"You think I am suggesting this because of Variance?"
"Aren't you? Aren't you doing this because you still haven't forgiven him?"
"Even in death, I would forgive Variance every sin," she murmured, not looking up at either Autobot. "I could do no less. . . ."
"Then . . . why? What's Neo ever done to you?"
Suddenly aware that she had nearly said too much, Nayla hurriedly excused herself and rushed out of the room. She was running by the time she reached the apartment she shared with Variance. Not wanting him to know anything was wrong, she stopped to catch her breath and school herself to calm.
Once she was satisfied with her own semblance of calm, Nayla entered the apartment. However, she nearly lost hold of her control when she saw Variance stretched out on his couch, his head pillowed on Neo's lap. They didn't even look at her, and she was secretly glad for that as she ran into her suite. She couldn't slam the door, so she substituted several furious kicks instead before storming up to her loft and collapsing on the bed. Weak sobs shook through her uncontrollably. It was stupid, it was selfish . . . but she hated even the sight of the charcoal-hued telepath who had stolen everything from her.
"She's still upset, isn't she?" Variance murmured, flinching at the muted sounds of Nayla's temper tantrum.
"Why do you ask me these things?" Neo replied softly, gentle fingers skimming along his flank. "Particularly when you already know the answer?"
"I guess I keep hoping she'll . . . I don't know . . . calm down, a little anyway. All this anger can't exactly be good for her. . . ."
"I can't believe I'm going to say this, but have you tried talking to her?"
"Yes, and she refused to see me."
"So override the lock . . . if there even is one."
"That would be an invasion of her privacy. Besides . . . since when do you care?"
"I don't care about Nayla . . . but I do care bout you. And I think you really need to talk to her," he replied quietly. For some reason, his answer only made Variance even more suspicious.
"Why?"
"As if you don't know. . . ."
"Really, I don't."
Neo gazed down at him with a faint frown, and for a moment, Variance felt as if his bondmate was staring into the depths of his soul. Perhaps he was. . . .
"She loves you," he said simply a moment later.
"What?"
"She loves you."
"No, you must be mistaken. . . ."
"Ask her if you don't believe me. But why would I lie?"
Variance sat up abruptly, studying the door to Nayla's suite as if it held answers. It didn't, of course, only unanswered questions.
"Go talk to her," Neo urged gently, all but pushing him to his feet. Variance wanted to stay with Neo; they had both been so busy lately that he barely even saw his bondmate. But the situation with Nayla wasn't going to just go away. He needed to do something about it, before it could get any worse.
Nayla only faintly heard her suite's door open, then hiss shut. She wanted to pretend that she hadn't heard even that, but the sound of metal footsteps was not so easily ignored. Not when they brought with them a psychic assault of concern.
"Nayla?"
She shivered at the sound of his voice, but there was no point in pretending; in another two steps he would be able to see her.
"Please . . . just go away," she hiccupped, trying to push aside her own weakness. She didn't want him to see her crying, if only because she knew he didn't care.
"Nayla . . . why didn't you tell me?"
She didn't have to ask him what he meant; she could feel his hurt anger. Both emotions surprised her. If anything, she had expected him to be annoyed with the foolish little human who had allowed herself to fall in love with an Autobot.
"What was I supposed to say?" she demanded, surprised at the bitterness in her voice.
"You could have said something," he replied defensively.
"Oh yes," she mocked, "so easy for you to judge. You who has never known what it is to love someone you could not have. So tell me, oh great and wise Variance, just what was I supposed to say?"
"Nayla. . . ."
"Did you think I was merely offering you empty words? You are my life . . . but I have never been foolish enough to think I add any meaning to yours. . . ."
"Nayla, you are important to me. I owe you my happiness. Without you . . . after Dana's death, I had no intention of letting anyone into my life again."
"If that is intended to soothe me. . . ."
"I will not lie to you or make empty promises . . . but neither will I claim that I don't care about you. . . ."
"About me, but not for me. Can you not see the difference? Can you not understand why I said nothing? If you were human. . . .
"But if you were human, we would not have met. . . ."
"Is this why you will not even consider making peace with Neo?"
"Peace? By the gods, Varianace, what more do you want from me? How can you ask that I make peace with the one who has stolen everything from me?"
"I was never yours," he responded stiffly. "You have no right --"
"To be jealous? To hate him? After so long, can you still have so little understanding of what it is to be human?"
"Nayla. . . ."
"If you were human . . . but you are not. And I have been a fool to fall in love with an alien incapable of ever returning those feelings," she muttered turning away from him. Silence stretched between them, a silence in which she had to fight with all her strength to keep from breaking down once more.
"For all that you say I have no understanding of humans . . . you have much to learn about my kind as well," he murmured at last. She gasped as he ran a finger up her spine, but when she turned to confrontt him, the tactician was gone.
No . . . no it was nothing, she told herself firmly. Some game he is playing with me, though I dearly wish I knew why.
Nayla, Nayla, she scolded herself. You have been such a fool. To think you, a silly little girl, could ever make someone love you. . . . You have only yourself to blame for your tears. . . .
But by all the gods, why must I love the very person I can never have?
She stared at her altar, waiting for some answer, but none came. She thought she was beyond crying for herself. She thought she had no more tears to shed. As Nayla stared into the depths of a single candle's flame, silent tears slipped down her cheeks, the tears of one who knows she will always be alone.
