Chapter 15 - "It's My Party....." - Michaela's Story
March 18th, 2000 - Beverly Hills, California
"Oh Michaela, you're so lucky to have someone like Rod," Jenny said sadly, stirring her Pepsi. "I have no one. I haven't had a boyfriend in like, three months, and he was big loser."
"Well Jen, it's better to have no one than to have a loser," I said sympathetically. "Look," I added. "You are so pretty, I'm sure it's just a matter of minutes before you find someone new. There are heaps of guys here. I'll bet they're all just too nervous to approach you." I giggled. "I mean, they ARE TJ's friends."
Jenny smiled. "That's so sweet of you Michaela. I just hope it's true."
"Hi guys!" Kristy said, bounding over. "Do you have any party games lined up?"
I raised my eyebrows. "Kristy, we're in year 11. We are way beyond 'pass the parcel'. I mean, next year, we'll be seniors."
Kristy groaned. "I was thinking more along the lines of 'seven minutes in heaven'."
Jenny nearly fell off the lounge from laughing. "That's even sadder Kristy! No one's played that game since like, junior high! You don't need that sort of excuse to kiss Brad."
Kristy frowned and shook her head. "I swear, you guys have no idea just how desired Brad is," she said, walking away.
It was TJ's and my seventeenth birthday party, the first proper party we'd ever had together. This had to be the best birthday party I'd had in years. Even if TJ had invited that Alisha girl. She didn't seem to be making a lot of trouble though, we hadn't been friends and she hadn't ever come to my house, so she only had a vague idea of where I, Michaela Morgan, lived. Speak of the devil. She approached, tagging along behind TJ.
"Rod's here," TJ informed me. "Do you want to see him?"
I looked at Jenny. "Don't mind me," she said cheerfully. "Go right ahead."
"You sure?" I asked, taking her hand. She nodded, so I followed TJ over to the door. I heard Jenny sigh and slump back into the seat. Rod was standing in the doorway between the loungeroom and the kitchen. "Hi," I said.
"Happy birthday Michaela!" he said. "I have your present."
"Really?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. TJ and Alisha walked away.
"Yeah," Rod said, kissing my forehead. "But I'd rather give it to you in private, so do you mind going up to your room?"
"No. That's fine," I said, walking back into the lounge room, towards the stairs.
"I like your outfit," Rod said, checking out my purple knit skirt and cardigan. More likely he liked the fact that the skirt was short.
"Thanks," I replied. I walked into my bedroom and Rod followed, closing the door behind him. We sat down on the bed. Rod handed me a small box. I opened it. Inside was a pretty silver necklace with a pearl on it.
"Do you like it?" Rod asked.
I nodded. "It's beautiful." I lifted my hair and Rod fastened the necklace around my neck. "You know, it means so much to me that you bought me this because now I know that you really respect me, that I'm not just another notch on your belt, or so to speak."
Rod smiled and kissed me. We lay back on my bed. My room was so much nicer than Rod's. No Pammie posters in my room - just cool-girl-power- chicklets and cute guys. Rod slipped his hand underneath my cardigan. My god - did this guy know nothing about foreplay? He sure moved fast. Rod stopped kissing my mouth and began to kiss my neck and chest. I closed my eyes. This was actually pretty nice. Very nice actually.
Maybe I should sleep with Rod. He really did care about me and he was VERY good. I decided to tell him this and opened my eyes, running my hands through Rod's hair. It was blonde - the same colour as mine. "Tweedle-Tay?" I said softly to myself. "What are you doing here?"
What was going on? Why was I lying on my bed making out with my brother? This had not been happening a few moments before. I felt Tweedle- Tay's hand travel up under my skirt. "Stop it," I said softly. "Stop it. Stop it. Stop it Tay. Stop it."
Tweedle-Tay's hand was resting on my underwear. "Tay, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Please, stop it. No, this isn't right. Stop it, Tay, stop it," I protested.
Tweedle-Tay's hand found it's way underneath my underwear. I tensed. "Stop it. Stop it." He had to be stopped. "TWEEDLE-TAY, IF YOU DON'T STOP IT RIGHT NOW, I'LL TELL MOM AND SHE WON'T LET YOU READ MY MAGAZINES!" I yelled.
He got off me.
"What the fuck!?" Rod yelled, jumping off the bed. "What the hell is going on with you Michaela? Everything was going just fine Michaela. You were enjoying yourself, I could tell. But then you started saying all this crap about how 'Tay' should stop it, and I just thought I'd let you fantasise and crap, but no, you have scream out some crap about 'Tweedle- Tay' and magazines. What the hell is going on with you Michaela?"
Whilst Rod had been saying all these things my world was falling down around me. Everything, about the attic, about my parents, about my REAL life, was coming back to me. I was living through it again. I was living through hell again. "Well, Michaela?" Rod pressed.
I shook my head. "You wouldn't understand," I said.
"Bingo! I don't understand. Michaela, something is seriously wrong up there in your head and if you're not going to spill...... You're scaring me. I don't want to be around a schitz," Rod said angrily.
"I'm not a schitz, Rod. You know, if you knew...." I protested softly.
"That's the thing Michaela - I don't know. And I'm sick of you. This relationship is going nowhere. I'm not getting anything out of it...."
"Well then, I guess it's over," I said. I removed the necklace from my neck. "I guess you'll be wanting this back," I said, throwing it at him.
Rod picked it up off the floor and snarled. "I would want to have sex with you anyway..... you had small tits," he said, leaving the room.
"They are not!" I called out pathetically, through my tears. Don't think I was crying about Rod. I wasn't. As I'm sure you all figured out months before I did, he was a bastard. I was crying because I was realising what my life really was. I got up off the bed and walked out my room, ready to join the useless party.
As I walked down the hallway, towards the stair, I heard strange noises coming from Tweedle-Tay's room. I opened the door. Kristy and Brad were having sex on the bed. If I'd been in a better mood I would have stored that image in my brain for next time I went on a diet, but...... please, who really gives a fuck about that sort of thing anyway? "What the fuck do you think you're doing on my brother's bed????" I screamed. "Get out! It's my turn to wash the sheets this week and that is NOT something I want to clean up!!!"
They just stared back at me. That was the final straw. Was there no one in this stupid city who had half a brain? I walked back into my room and picked up a bag. I shoved a pair of jeans and a couple of tops in, grabbed my purse and walked quickly down the stairs and to the front door. On my hurry out, I nearly knocked over Gwen, who was hurrying up the stairs. "What's wrong?" she asked, surprised. "It's your party!"
I looked at her sadly, through my tear-filled eyes. "I'm so sorry Gwen," I said guiltily, making a dash towards my car.
I hopped in and began to bawl. What was wrong with me? I had absolutely nothing except a frivolous little existence that revolved around cheerleading, helping Cordelia become Spring Queen, and dating Rod. I started the car.
'There's more important things than making sure your watch looks just right, and second hand opinions won't make you look any smarter....'
Great. Tweedle-Tay had left his Natalie Imbruglia CD in the car and now even she was yelling at me for being such a frivolous bitch. I began to drive away from the house. I was wasting my life and killing my brain by spending my entire life thinking about things that, in the scheme of things, didn't really matter. It would be bad enough for a normal person to do this, but me? I should know better. I'd been locked up in an attic, been raped by my twin brother, and rejected by my parents when I'd done nothing to hurt them what-so-ever..... I began to cry even harder.
'Brother shoots brother but meanwhile you're fixing up your face..... You're not affected by the truth unless it's on your doorstep. Deoderise your paradise - no point in getting crazy!'
I didn't want to live in the superficial crap world anymore. I couldn't live in the superficial crap world anymore. Too many terrible things had happened. I nearly slept with Rod. I shuddered. What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking at all. I didn't know what I wanted. I knew I didn't want to live the way I'd been living, blocking out everything, by thinking about nothing, but on the other hand, I didn't want to think about the bad things that had happened either. Whenever I thought about the attic, and my parents, and Tweedle-Tay I felt as though someone was stabbing. That's not fair, actually. I did love Tweedle-Tay. He was my only real friend in the whole world and he was the person who knew me best, but..... ever since we'd met our lives had been nothing but trouble. When would it all end?
'Sleeping in the small world, head in the sand. Better wash your hands, make a new plan! There's more important things than making sure your shoes walk just right! Ignore reality - there's nothing you can do about it....'
There was nothing I could do. If I continued this, I'd just be living a lie. If I thought about the past, I'd be living in hell. I couldn't go back to living the way I'd lived before my grandmother died, that was what I'd been attempting to do before.... I couldn't really do anything that I'd done before. I had to create a whole new me. A whole new life for me. But that would never happen. There was too much in the way.
I looked at the clock and realised I'd been driving north for over an hour. It was too late for me to turn back tonight. Besides, I needed to spend some time away from Tay - and everyone else - for a few days. There was nothing I could do about my life..... to find true happiness. I wished that I was like Tay and had God to turn to, but I didn't. I saw a nice- looking hotel and pulled up. I grabbed my bag, locked the car, and walked into the reception area. "A room for...... Annabelle Morgan, thanks," I said, pulling out my credit card. I was soon sent up to a nice little suite where I could rest in the bath and ponder about how to fix up my fucked up life.
All I had was my brother, myself, a terrible past, and a fucked up beliefs system. Fun.
March 18th, 2000 - Beverly Hills, California
"Oh Michaela, you're so lucky to have someone like Rod," Jenny said sadly, stirring her Pepsi. "I have no one. I haven't had a boyfriend in like, three months, and he was big loser."
"Well Jen, it's better to have no one than to have a loser," I said sympathetically. "Look," I added. "You are so pretty, I'm sure it's just a matter of minutes before you find someone new. There are heaps of guys here. I'll bet they're all just too nervous to approach you." I giggled. "I mean, they ARE TJ's friends."
Jenny smiled. "That's so sweet of you Michaela. I just hope it's true."
"Hi guys!" Kristy said, bounding over. "Do you have any party games lined up?"
I raised my eyebrows. "Kristy, we're in year 11. We are way beyond 'pass the parcel'. I mean, next year, we'll be seniors."
Kristy groaned. "I was thinking more along the lines of 'seven minutes in heaven'."
Jenny nearly fell off the lounge from laughing. "That's even sadder Kristy! No one's played that game since like, junior high! You don't need that sort of excuse to kiss Brad."
Kristy frowned and shook her head. "I swear, you guys have no idea just how desired Brad is," she said, walking away.
It was TJ's and my seventeenth birthday party, the first proper party we'd ever had together. This had to be the best birthday party I'd had in years. Even if TJ had invited that Alisha girl. She didn't seem to be making a lot of trouble though, we hadn't been friends and she hadn't ever come to my house, so she only had a vague idea of where I, Michaela Morgan, lived. Speak of the devil. She approached, tagging along behind TJ.
"Rod's here," TJ informed me. "Do you want to see him?"
I looked at Jenny. "Don't mind me," she said cheerfully. "Go right ahead."
"You sure?" I asked, taking her hand. She nodded, so I followed TJ over to the door. I heard Jenny sigh and slump back into the seat. Rod was standing in the doorway between the loungeroom and the kitchen. "Hi," I said.
"Happy birthday Michaela!" he said. "I have your present."
"Really?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. TJ and Alisha walked away.
"Yeah," Rod said, kissing my forehead. "But I'd rather give it to you in private, so do you mind going up to your room?"
"No. That's fine," I said, walking back into the lounge room, towards the stairs.
"I like your outfit," Rod said, checking out my purple knit skirt and cardigan. More likely he liked the fact that the skirt was short.
"Thanks," I replied. I walked into my bedroom and Rod followed, closing the door behind him. We sat down on the bed. Rod handed me a small box. I opened it. Inside was a pretty silver necklace with a pearl on it.
"Do you like it?" Rod asked.
I nodded. "It's beautiful." I lifted my hair and Rod fastened the necklace around my neck. "You know, it means so much to me that you bought me this because now I know that you really respect me, that I'm not just another notch on your belt, or so to speak."
Rod smiled and kissed me. We lay back on my bed. My room was so much nicer than Rod's. No Pammie posters in my room - just cool-girl-power- chicklets and cute guys. Rod slipped his hand underneath my cardigan. My god - did this guy know nothing about foreplay? He sure moved fast. Rod stopped kissing my mouth and began to kiss my neck and chest. I closed my eyes. This was actually pretty nice. Very nice actually.
Maybe I should sleep with Rod. He really did care about me and he was VERY good. I decided to tell him this and opened my eyes, running my hands through Rod's hair. It was blonde - the same colour as mine. "Tweedle-Tay?" I said softly to myself. "What are you doing here?"
What was going on? Why was I lying on my bed making out with my brother? This had not been happening a few moments before. I felt Tweedle- Tay's hand travel up under my skirt. "Stop it," I said softly. "Stop it. Stop it. Stop it Tay. Stop it."
Tweedle-Tay's hand was resting on my underwear. "Tay, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Please, stop it. No, this isn't right. Stop it, Tay, stop it," I protested.
Tweedle-Tay's hand found it's way underneath my underwear. I tensed. "Stop it. Stop it." He had to be stopped. "TWEEDLE-TAY, IF YOU DON'T STOP IT RIGHT NOW, I'LL TELL MOM AND SHE WON'T LET YOU READ MY MAGAZINES!" I yelled.
He got off me.
"What the fuck!?" Rod yelled, jumping off the bed. "What the hell is going on with you Michaela? Everything was going just fine Michaela. You were enjoying yourself, I could tell. But then you started saying all this crap about how 'Tay' should stop it, and I just thought I'd let you fantasise and crap, but no, you have scream out some crap about 'Tweedle- Tay' and magazines. What the hell is going on with you Michaela?"
Whilst Rod had been saying all these things my world was falling down around me. Everything, about the attic, about my parents, about my REAL life, was coming back to me. I was living through it again. I was living through hell again. "Well, Michaela?" Rod pressed.
I shook my head. "You wouldn't understand," I said.
"Bingo! I don't understand. Michaela, something is seriously wrong up there in your head and if you're not going to spill...... You're scaring me. I don't want to be around a schitz," Rod said angrily.
"I'm not a schitz, Rod. You know, if you knew...." I protested softly.
"That's the thing Michaela - I don't know. And I'm sick of you. This relationship is going nowhere. I'm not getting anything out of it...."
"Well then, I guess it's over," I said. I removed the necklace from my neck. "I guess you'll be wanting this back," I said, throwing it at him.
Rod picked it up off the floor and snarled. "I would want to have sex with you anyway..... you had small tits," he said, leaving the room.
"They are not!" I called out pathetically, through my tears. Don't think I was crying about Rod. I wasn't. As I'm sure you all figured out months before I did, he was a bastard. I was crying because I was realising what my life really was. I got up off the bed and walked out my room, ready to join the useless party.
As I walked down the hallway, towards the stair, I heard strange noises coming from Tweedle-Tay's room. I opened the door. Kristy and Brad were having sex on the bed. If I'd been in a better mood I would have stored that image in my brain for next time I went on a diet, but...... please, who really gives a fuck about that sort of thing anyway? "What the fuck do you think you're doing on my brother's bed????" I screamed. "Get out! It's my turn to wash the sheets this week and that is NOT something I want to clean up!!!"
They just stared back at me. That was the final straw. Was there no one in this stupid city who had half a brain? I walked back into my room and picked up a bag. I shoved a pair of jeans and a couple of tops in, grabbed my purse and walked quickly down the stairs and to the front door. On my hurry out, I nearly knocked over Gwen, who was hurrying up the stairs. "What's wrong?" she asked, surprised. "It's your party!"
I looked at her sadly, through my tear-filled eyes. "I'm so sorry Gwen," I said guiltily, making a dash towards my car.
I hopped in and began to bawl. What was wrong with me? I had absolutely nothing except a frivolous little existence that revolved around cheerleading, helping Cordelia become Spring Queen, and dating Rod. I started the car.
'There's more important things than making sure your watch looks just right, and second hand opinions won't make you look any smarter....'
Great. Tweedle-Tay had left his Natalie Imbruglia CD in the car and now even she was yelling at me for being such a frivolous bitch. I began to drive away from the house. I was wasting my life and killing my brain by spending my entire life thinking about things that, in the scheme of things, didn't really matter. It would be bad enough for a normal person to do this, but me? I should know better. I'd been locked up in an attic, been raped by my twin brother, and rejected by my parents when I'd done nothing to hurt them what-so-ever..... I began to cry even harder.
'Brother shoots brother but meanwhile you're fixing up your face..... You're not affected by the truth unless it's on your doorstep. Deoderise your paradise - no point in getting crazy!'
I didn't want to live in the superficial crap world anymore. I couldn't live in the superficial crap world anymore. Too many terrible things had happened. I nearly slept with Rod. I shuddered. What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking at all. I didn't know what I wanted. I knew I didn't want to live the way I'd been living, blocking out everything, by thinking about nothing, but on the other hand, I didn't want to think about the bad things that had happened either. Whenever I thought about the attic, and my parents, and Tweedle-Tay I felt as though someone was stabbing. That's not fair, actually. I did love Tweedle-Tay. He was my only real friend in the whole world and he was the person who knew me best, but..... ever since we'd met our lives had been nothing but trouble. When would it all end?
'Sleeping in the small world, head in the sand. Better wash your hands, make a new plan! There's more important things than making sure your shoes walk just right! Ignore reality - there's nothing you can do about it....'
There was nothing I could do. If I continued this, I'd just be living a lie. If I thought about the past, I'd be living in hell. I couldn't go back to living the way I'd lived before my grandmother died, that was what I'd been attempting to do before.... I couldn't really do anything that I'd done before. I had to create a whole new me. A whole new life for me. But that would never happen. There was too much in the way.
I looked at the clock and realised I'd been driving north for over an hour. It was too late for me to turn back tonight. Besides, I needed to spend some time away from Tay - and everyone else - for a few days. There was nothing I could do about my life..... to find true happiness. I wished that I was like Tay and had God to turn to, but I didn't. I saw a nice- looking hotel and pulled up. I grabbed my bag, locked the car, and walked into the reception area. "A room for...... Annabelle Morgan, thanks," I said, pulling out my credit card. I was soon sent up to a nice little suite where I could rest in the bath and ponder about how to fix up my fucked up life.
All I had was my brother, myself, a terrible past, and a fucked up beliefs system. Fun.
