A/N: Here's a link to the original Very Secret Diaries. Hysterical, even if you aren't familiar with Lord of the Rings. http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/ (Probably will also make these make more sense.)

Sorry, could have been clearer that para breaks are the mark of new entries.

VERY SECRET DIARY OF PETE ROSS

Monday: I wonder if anybody will pay attention to me today. While waiting, discovered no really good anagrams of my name, it's more tiring twiddling your thumbs backwards rather than forward, and that I can balance a ballpoint pen on the back of my wrist for exactly 83 seconds. Go me!

Tuesday: Clark says I fired a gun at Lex Luthor. Go me! Wish I'd videotaped it. I never get to appear on videotapes. Maybe there's a security tape? Naah. I'm not that lucky. But still, go me!

Saturday: Bio teacher tried to make Jonathan Kent shoot Lex Luthor. Go Mr. Kent! But still. Should have been my chance. I have qualifications for that! I even have experience in Luthor-shooting! But nooooooo. That "nooooooo" looks a lot like "mooooooo." Thought: Maybe cows will let me act for them and would pay attention?

Thursday: Found spaceship. Figure that this will mean lots of people will pay attention to me!

Friday: Figures. Spaceship belongs to Clark.

Sunday: Added "and Clark is from God knows where" to his copy of "Men are from Mars." Maybe if he appreciates it, people will pay attention to me?

Monday: Nobody noticed. Will see if I can get cows to let me act for a few minutes.

Tuesday: Farmers get mad when you try to act out scenes for their cows. One of them even called me a pervy cow-fancier! Note to self: Good thing picked King Lear and not Romeo and Juliet.

VERY SECRET DIARY OF CLARK KENT

Monday: Another person nearly found out my secret but got shot at the last minute. Watched Lana some. Saw upper lip move once. Probably my fault. Or maybe because of hornet landing on her lip. Don't have heat under enough control to fry it from loft. My fault.

Tuesday: Another day, another person nearly found out my secret but got shot at the last minute. Moped some. Fortress of Solitude cheesy name. Should have asked Dad to name it "Where the hot chicks swarm." Rethought that. Maybe not. Probably my fault.

Friday: Pete did find out my secret but nobody shot him. Don't get it. But good! He makes me look taller. Even in flannel, I'm the prettiest!

Tuesday: In the bar, those guys were definitely checking out my butt. Not Jessie's. Still the prettiest! So definitely my fault!

Wednesday: Bad weather. My fault.

Thursday: Thought somebody was checking me out while doing chores so obligingly took off shirt. They were pointing at the herd instead. Pervy cow fanciers. I'M the prettiest!

VERY SECRET DIARY OF JONATHAN KENT

Monday: Nearly ran out of platitudes. Had to call in homespun wisdom instead. Scary moment! But's it's all behind us now. Can't look back or cry over spilled milk. Well, nearly spilled milk. Stupid metaphors.

Wednesday: Lex Luthor was wearing leather again. Waste of a perfectly good cow. Stupid Luthors. Pervy dead cow skin-fancier.

Saturday: Tried to shoot Lex Luthor. Clark stopped me. Stupid abilities.

Sunday: Martha sulking about something. Heifers! I mean, "women." Stupid underwear.