~*-*~
"Wesley?"
He turned his head.
"Wesley? Hey! Sorry I didn't hear you, Charles and I were talking."
"I gathered as much."
"Been here long?"
He wanted to scream. More than that, he wanted to cry. Had it really come to the point that he was basically invisible? Wesley had been back on the boat for well over an hour, and it was only now that he had been noticed? He looked at the girl with whom he was once so taken with and smiled. He was the black sheep. They hadn't really accepted him back in, and what more was it going to take? Wesley didn't know whether or not he should just disappear and see if anyone noticed. But that would be bad, since there was one person who hadn't left him in the doghouse. Connor. That boy had no idea just how much he was holding everyone together.
"Not long."
"Oh good. It would be awful if you'd been here ages and Charles and I were too busy talking to notice you, which would most definitely lead to a question of self and possibly slight paranoia and insecurity, however that's not the case in this situation obviously so we can throw out such ideas and I'm babbling again aren't I?"
Hmm. Irony abounds.
"Very much so."
"Is something the matter Wesley? Using speech in a minimalist way would be normal for say Angel but when it's you, I get worried. With good reason too. The last time you pulled away from us and stopped talking was when you stole Connor."
"Thanks for the memory."
A damned painful memory too. Knives and throats have a tendency to come together in painful situations more often than not.
Listen to what she said. She said 'stole'. Fred doesn't trust you. She didn't trust that you made the right decision then, and she doesn't trust you now. Wow. This sure isn't the Love Boat...
"Wesley! You zoned out again. If you know something then tell me."
Wesley snapped back at her, something that was highly out of character.
"Well of course. If I know something. You mean, if I've found yet another reason to betray you surely."
Fred frowned at said out of character moment.
"No, I don't mean that. I just mean..."
"Fred, I know what you mean, and it's not as though I don't blame you. I've gone and done it again."
"Done what?"
"Made yet another bad decision."
"Bad decision? Wesley, I think you've started this conversation in your head and I'm not a mind reader."
"I can tell you don't trust me Fred. I know for a sure thing that Gunn doesn't either. I should never have come back should I? I am doomed to make the same mistake over and over again."
"What mistake?! I don't know what you're talking about!"
Fred's voice was rising in both pitch and decibel yet despite this she wasn't getting through to Wesley. He'd begun a rant, a quiet one of course since he was never the type to shout, but it was a rant nonetheless. A rant that was dripping with added sarcasm.
"Well everyone's saying it. Look there goes Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, a failed watcher, a failed human being. And then for a short period of time I'm happy with a new group of friends, a new job, hell even a new girlfriend. But how long does that last?"
"Maybe I was wrong on the lack of paranoia thing."
"You give up that relationship for the cause. You take a bullet for the cause. That so called friend fires you too, say goodbye to healthy income. You patch up with said friend and then in an attempt to protect them from themselves you end up failing and almost suffocated on a hospital bed! It's funny you know, it really is!"
"Um... I can't quite say I'm understanding the humour."
"I'm trying as hard as I can! I'm doing everything I can! But once more with failure, of course, wouldn't be a Wyndham-Pryce gig without it failing."
Wesley was beginning to snap inside as Fred was trying even more desperately to get through to what was becoming his own dramatic monologue.
"Wesley..."
"Take Angel's son and allow him to be killed."
She shook her head in confusion over what Wesley just said.
"But he wasn't k..."
"But hell, that's not nearly enough! I had to end up sending Angel's son by proxy off to die on a quest for him."
"Spike's not dead, sorta..."
She shook her head in confusion over what she had just said.
"Let me guess. I've probably screwed up the whole plan for the Powers that Be too. My actions lead to one souled vampire being sealed in an iron coffin for the rest of eternity and another being eaten by sharks or worse!"
Fred looked out at the ocean in thought.
"There aren't even sharks in this area..."
"I deserve a medal. 'The Man Who Is Responsible For The Apocalypse" After all, the powers of good are down not one but two rather strong undead warriors now."
"How do you get to an apocalypse..."
"No matter what I do it's either 'You're too bad to work with us' or 'You're too good to work with us'. I just can't win!"
"...too good?"
Fred questioned, since she had no idea about Wesley's newfound connections to Wolfram & Hart. Understandably when Wesley had returned to the group he hadn't disclosed whom he was with when he saw Connor, or why he was there...
"Why won't I ever just be happy with one aspect of my life? I've failed everywhere. Everything I touch becomes dead and stale. I'm cursed."
"You're not cursed..."
"No matter what, I'm always beaten. Be it physically or emotionally. Next I'll probably destroy your relationship with Gunn just because I happen to be in love with you and be once again ostracised from the group!"
The one phrase stuck out, but Wesley didn't even notice it'd slipped out.
"Wait. What did you say?"
"Maybe it's best if I just cut my losses now. Leave Angel Investigations and never come back. Everyone would be all the better for it."
"Wesley stop for a minute."
Fred had finally managed to cut Wesley off. Or at least she thought she had. Truth was, he was merely stopping to take a breath. Either way, she took this opportunity to set everything straight. Her voice took a calm and relaxed tone. It had a steady beat and rhythm, emphasizing how serious she was.
"I don't know what's happened to you, but you've got to understand how we feel. You betrayed us. You didn't come to us when you should have done. What did you expect us to do? Welcome you back with open arms? We're trying as hard as we can, but we can't just forget what you did. Putting that behind us, you need to realise and accept something. Connor's not dead. Stop blaming yourself for his death because it never happened. Spike's not dead... in a manner of speaking. He's not going to be eaten by sharks, as I'm pretty sure there are no sharks in this area. Besides, you know about the whole filtered sunlight deal."
Wesley's eyes left his feet.
"What whole filtered sunlight deal?"
"Didn't Charles tell you about my sunlight theory?"
Wesley murmured.
"No, probably too busy hating me..."
Fred snapped back at him.
"Don't say that! He doesn't hate you! He just has trust issues, you know that."
Wesley scoffed and rolled his eyes, but was ignored by Fred who coughed and allowed her voice to return to its previous state of normality.
"Well, my theory is that through all that water the sunlight is filtered so Spike won't turn to dust. That's basically it, so we shouldn't worry about him."
"Oh. All right then."
There. That was done. Conversation over. And the ensuing silence was in no way uncomfortable.
They stared at each other in silence for what must have felt like hours. The transaction of phrases prior soaked deep into their skin, whilst never taking their eyes off each other. Wesley's face a mixture of shock and confusion. Shock at his outburst, confusion at what could possibly happen next. Fred on the other hand, had a face that lacked emotion. Whatever her feelings were you couldn't see it. She slowly turned around and began to walk back to the cabin where her boyfriend waited for her. As Wesley watched, her retreating form came to a pause. She never turned back around to speak to him face to face.
"About what you said before. Earlier. About loving me. I want you to know that I already knew, and I'm flattered that you feel that way."
There's a but coming... there always is...
"But,"
There you go!
Fred stopped nervously fiddling with her fingers, a sign that what was coming next was thoroughly sincere.
"But, I made my decision Wesley. I chose Charles. I want you to know that, and I need you to accept it. I chose."
The words echoed long after Fred left.
I Chose.
Wesley sat down defeated. It was strange. He'd never really snapped internally before. Well literally snapped sure, but not metaphorically, and never would have cracked with Winifred around. Just one word, 'stole', was enough to tip him over the edge. Wesley knew he's been keeping his emotions at the surface for too long. He needed some time to cool off, and so he left for a position below deck where he stayed for a while to be still and stare. Sometimes standing, sometimes sitting, but always staring. Staring straight ahead in reflection with only the gentle murmur of the engine and its accompanying darkness for comfort.
I Chose.
Some moments will remain with you forever.
~*-*~
Author's Note: Awwww... poor Wesley.
In case you didn't know, it would appear my parody rant-fic about BBC2 worked (http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1175028). I think I'm finally over my writing drought. Unfortunately, that's the perfect time for coursework and other assorted Year 13 (Senior Year to those across the Atlantic) crap to kick in. So now I have inspiration and no time to write. Life sucks major sulvolte eggs. Hopefully though, even though I have no time during the week, I can probably now get new chapters out every weekend or so. New Opium, coming soon. Stupid Economics essay. Sources of conflict between the European Union and other trading blocs? Answers in on a postcard.
