~*-*~
Spike has a soul.
Spike has a soul.
Spike has a soul.
I'm never going to get used to the sound of that.
There is a vampire with a soul out there that's not me. Or, not so much out there as right here in front of me. And, of all the vampires out there that could have a soul, it would be ironic for it to be one of mine. That's not so much irony though, now I think about it. Just weird.
It kinda makes me wonder, who the hell did Spike have to piss off to get a soul? Did he snack on a gypsy or something, because that would be beyond stupid. I mean, Poster-boy for the not eating of gypsies here. I doubt he'd do anything crazy like that. Then again, Spike's not one for convention.
It's not convention to be sitting in silence whilst staring into space either, yet here he is doing precisely that in my courtyard. I guess it all slots into place now. No wonder he looks drained. He hasn't slept. It took me years to finally get a good night's sleep after being cursed. What am I talking about, years? I'm not sure I've ever really had one yet.
Spike has a soul.
Nope. Still doesn't sound right.
I cannot believe I didn't notice before. It was staring me in the face and I just didn't pick up on it. I let my anger and frustration get the better of me. He came to me for help, and I didn't pick up on it? Some sire I turned out to be. No wonder he hates me.
It would be a foolish thought though to think he only hates me now of course. He's likely to have always hated me. And with good cause. Do I deserve anything besides his hate? I made him what he was, the cruellest vampire to walk the planet. Barring myself of course. I made him in my own image. Or tried. And when he didn't fit my mould, he'd feel the pain. I'd make him feel it. He'd feel it until he enjoyed it. I'm partially to blame for how he feels now. Oh, I won't go overboard and say that he's completely my fault. Dru turned him, not me. But still... without my influence he wouldn't have been half as evil as he was. And now he's got to suffer with the guilt of doing everything I taught him to do.
Spike has a soul.
I'm an idiot.
"I know you're there. Watching me."
He sounds broken. He is broken. But he needs me to watch him. He's not complaining. It's just a statement of fact. He's not even looking at me as he speaks. Maybe because if he did, I'd see the shame in his eyes.
"I know I may not show it, and if you repeat this to anyone I'll deny it to buggery, but I do hold a lot of respect for you."
Spike holds respect for me he says. Respect that he hasn't been forced to give. This is new.
"Really?"
"Yeah."
He's talking about the soul. He doesn't even need to specify. I guess he knows that I know. I guess he knows that I know that he knows that I know. He probably also knows I'm an idiot. Great.
"And for you it's been this way for the past century?"
The past century? Pain. Guilt. Horror. Remorse. Torment. Non-stop boy, believe me. And if you think these past few weeks or months or however long you've had your soul is bad, just wait. You'll relive a crime every time you see a new face. Trust me. Every person in California bears some resemblance to one of my victims, and it hurts every time I leave the hotel. It hurts when I'm in the hotel reading the newspaper about the world and people outside. It hurts when I'm in the hotel watching television. It hurts.
"Yeah."
That's not all he's going to say is it? I mean, I feel bad enough already. The silence is just making it worse. Not just for me I imagine, but also for him. All this time in silence is going to make him reflect some more and make him more miserable. And the more miserable he is, the more miserable I am. He has to move on a little.
"Spike, I'm sorry about what I said."
Uh-oh. I know that look. He's angry now. He's got that bitter and sarcastic face on. I know that face!
"How's that work?"
How does it work that I'm sorry? Pretty damned obvious boy.
"I didn't know."
"And so therefore, just because you didn't know, it gives you the right to be all high and mighty."
High and mighty? Where is he getting this?
"I never said that."
"You implied it. You've brainwashed yourself into thinking that just because you're soul-having and all that, it makes you better than the rest of us."
"That's not true."
"Do you know you're a vampire?"
Spike, stop asking me stupid questions. Where he is going with this line of questioning I'll never know.
"Of course."
"But you do your best to forget it right?"
Do I forget that I'm a vampire? I never forget. I can't forget. I have to see the monster inside me every day. Of course I'd want to forget, and I try to forget.
"It's the side of me I'm most ashamed of, yes."
He's looking at me straight in the eye now.
"Yes, well maybe that's your problem. Maybe if you embraced the evil as a part of you that can't be changed, you might just be happy for once."
But I can't be happy, remember? I will never be happy. Does anyone think I don't want to? I can't help it. I was made this way. To live forever and never be able to enjoy it. When it comes to being dealt a bad hand in life, all I've got is two jacks and a three.
And we're back to awkward silence thing. Great. Spike's sitting there, still, and I'm standing here over him, still. When did things become so strange between us? Oh yes, since he went out and managed to get a soul. I hate to say it, but I'm beginning to miss the arguments and the fights. At least then we were talking. Now he doesn't tell me anything. Even when I need to know.
"Why didn't you tell me Spike?"
"I just couldn't."
What kind of an excuse is that? "Just couldn't"? How could he have kept something so huge from me, and not said a word?! Sure, he wasn't lying, but he wasn't exactly telling the whole truth either, which can be worse. But I'm not here to get mad at him. I'm here to find out the truth. Why he has a soul, why he came to me. I think it's too early to ask about who cursed him though. We've got time. He is not making this any simpler.
"Spike, you've had lots of opportunities. You could have told me before."
He's angry again. I just can't stop messing up. Neither of us can. Why is it that we always wind each other up? And so unintentionally?
"Of course I couldn't tell you before! It wasn't for lack of trying, believe me."
He's close to tears.
"I was scared okay? You heard me. Scared. I didn't know if you'd help me. I didn't know how'd you react."
Poor boy. I can't help but smile. He's scared of me now? That's a first.
"Did you honestly think I wouldn't do anything to help you?"
"I've pissed you off enough."
No matter how much Spike could piss me off, it would never be enough for me to turn away from him in his hour of need. Surely even he knows that.
"Spike please. Darla magically appears in LA with a soul and I nearly die for her, meanwhile you show up and I say "Screw you, and don't let the door hit you on the way out!"? Not likely."
I'm close to laughter now. The thought is ridiculous. Spike's not quite so happy though.
"Yes but you loved Darla."
Didn't even have to think twice.
"I loved you."
He's smiling. A small, but still genuine smile. And that's the important part. He needs reassurance, I'll give it to him. I'll give him anything he needs just to stay. He shouldn't have to suffer the way I did. Nobody deserves that.
"Spike, you're welcome here for as long as you need to. I don't want anyone else having to go through this alone."
And I think he understands. And all of a sudden, this awkward silence doesn't feel so awkward anymore.
Spike has a soul.
Okay, that sentence still is awkward.
"Why so exhausted?"
He's looking at me as though he cares. I guess he does care. And I look exhausted? Probably because of the shock that just landed on me thanks to my son a few moments ago.
"Connor just had one of those "I don't belong here" things at me. It was so strange. At first he was fine and then BAM. He hates me again. I'm never going to undo the damage Holtz did."
He's smiling now. This is good. We're repairing the relationship.
"That's not Holtz, Peaches, that's hormones. It's been a while since you've had to deal with a teenager huh? It's cute."
"Cute? Oh, like you're the expert?"
"Well, I've spent the last two years coddling Dawn which gives me an up on you. Believe me, I love the Bit to pieces, but when she goes off on a teenage angst fest..."
"You gotta get out of there?"
"Mmm-hmm."
Spike and I are actually having a conversation. Without violence involved. Never thought I'd see the day.
"Well, I don't have that privilege Spike. I'm his father."
"Oh well. Here's my tip for you then. If you can't solve his problem by conventional means, I find that presents and ice-cream patch up the problem pretty well."
Parenting advice from Spike? Oh this is rich.
"I think that the ice-cream only applies to the female of the teenager species."
"Nope. It's most definitely universal. Many a time I have found myself sharing a huge Haagen-Dazs tub with Harris, simply with the addition of beer so it's alcoholic."
I'm running this last sentence through my head a couple of times, just to make sure I have the reference right.
"Harris? Xander Harris?"
"What?!"
And he's looking at me with those eyes for what reason? Did he think it was normal for a vampire to sit around eating ice-cream with people that were supposed to be dinner? And of all people, Xander? That shows tolerance of an amazing kind, soul or no soul. Or maybe Xander only hated me and not Spike, it's not as though I was around long enough to find out. Hey... that wouldn't be fair. Why would Xander hate me and then sit around and bond with Spike? What's Spike got that I haven't?! I'm getting insanely jealous again for no reason aren't I? What did I just learn from doing that?
"You're remarkably close to the gang up in Sunnydale huh?"
"Well you know me."
Or at least I thought I did. Didn't think you'd go out and manage to get a soul, but somehow you have. Guess I didn't know you at all. Separation can do that.
"Yeah. You're not one for solitude."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning you'd reach wherever, even to the enemy, if it meant companionship."
"That's crap."
He's looking at me as if I don't know, but I do. Spike doesn't run very well without a pack, be it good or evil. He's always needed appreciation from people. Acceptance. It's been his power and drive the whole time. Left over issues from his human life maybe? That's probably how he got his soul then. Trying to fit in with his human pals. I'm not sure. Either way, Dr Angel is quite finished with his psychoanalysing of the patient.
"I've watched you for some time now. Don't think I don't notice these things."
"Well it's hard to tell. Most of the time you've got your head rammed firmly up your own arse."
Great. A perfectly good comment turned around on me for no good reason. Spike can be so catty sometimes.
"I was trying to be nice."
"I wasn't."
Now there's the Spike I remember.
"My point is I'm not surprised you'd stick with the good guys all the while hating their guts."
"Well, that's not exactly true. I don't hate all of them."
Oooh... I predict this will be blackmail worthy material now. He's got that look about him... He's almost guilty of liking some of the Sunnydale group.
"No?"
"Of course not. I mean... I don't hate the Watcher. Rupert's a stand up bloke to hang with, providing you don't finish all his alcohol because then he gets pissed."
"He gets pissed if he doesn't have alcohol? Knew he was a lightweight."
"It was a joke you ninny."
Big whoop. Spike doesn't hate Giles? Who would? The man's quite agreeable. Don't see why he's guilty of that.
"So you don't hate Giles huh? I don't hate him either."
"Funny. He hates you."
I have to take a moment. Giles hates me?
"What?"
"At least I think he hates you."
"Why would he hate me?"
"I don't know why he would either!"
Spike, don't get sarcastic with me. It's not really all too obvious why the man would hate me.
"All you did was kill his girlfriend, torture him for hours, hound everyone he holds dear and try to bring forth an apocalypse. The guy is just plain unreasonable!"
Apart from all that of course.
"I get it Spike."
"And I mean Dawn, well... who does like scary men in their bedrooms at night when you're only eleven huh?"
Why is he doing this? It's just plain unfair.
"Oh, and Willow?"
Can't help but be concerned now. Willow was always one of the closest to me when it came to my friends in Sunnydale.
"What about Willow?"
"She still can't bring herself to keep fish."
Oh God. Why did I do that? Oh, I know why. Because I was evil and wanted people to suffer. I had lashed out at everyone, and been so cruel. I may have killed people, like Jenny, and I'd apologised for that. But I had forgotten the little things too. Like Willow's fish.
"I never did apologise about the fish."
"Oh no. You're not going to start brooding all night about the fish are you?"
"Fish are people too."
Good way to wind Spike up I see. Self-loathing.
"No they are not!"
Spike thinks for a moment.
"Unless they are... Well they're not usually. I'm sure Willow's fine really. Lovely chit."
"Hmm?"
Don't tell me Spike is close to Willow too...
"Willow, yeah. Really kind. I have to say I was worried last year, what with the dabbling in dark magicks, necromancy and the like, but she finally cracked the habit a few months back. I have faith in her, she'll be fine."
He was worried? Hell, we were all worried. I also remember the meeting Buffy and I had last year after she came back. Happy she was alive of course, but Willow bringing her back? Scarily powerful. Well, it sounds as though she's not so bad anymore.
"You like Willow?"
"Oh Willow's great. But not my favourite. Tara, Willow's girlfriend? She's a spitfire she is. Plays the shy routine. Doesn't fool me for a moment... well at least not anymore."
Spike's getting more animated as he speaks. He's looking ultimately adorable at this point.
"See, there was this one time last year, at this birthday party and the whole time she kept playing me... and you think I'm crazy don't you?"
"Not in the least. I think it's cute."
"Cute?"
"Yeah. You and your pet humans."
"No need to take the mick. You've got your own pets in there too."
I really wouldn't regard them as my pets. Co-workers yes, son and friends... But not pets. Not anymore. Which reminds me.
"Do you remember when we used to keep pet humans back in the day? You know, like *real* pets?"
"I remember. God, we were evil."
He's looking wistful.
"But it still was fun."
"Tell me about it. Do you miss it?"
I know what he's talking about, but I might as well play dumb for a moment.
"Miss what?"
"Being evil."
"Oh yeah."
Being evil is so much more simple than fighting for what's right. Things are easier when you're evil. Clear cut. There are things that are wrong and that's just that. No grey area. I miss that. Plus, it's gratifying. Yes, I'm a vampire. Can't help murderous tendencies as much as I try. Still want to kill people. Just don't.
"Anya's alright."
Okay, scanning the name for recollection... Anya... Anya... I think Willow might have mentioned her last year after... when she came to talk that time.
"Anya? That's Xander's girlfriend isn't it?"
"Ex-girlfriend rather. There was this whole thing."
Life's complicated everywhere then it would appear.
"Oh! Things. Totally get those."
"Got a mouth on her that one does."
I don't think I want to know how Spike knows that.
"Yeah, well she's a pretty nice person. You might know her."
"No, I don't."
I'm pretty certain I don't. The name isn't exactly rare, but it's not common either. I'm sure I'd remember it...
"What about if I said she was Anyanka?"
Oh... crap.
"No way! Xander went out with the patron saint of wronged women?! For his sake, please tell me that they broke up on mutual terms..."
The look on Spike's face says otherwise. Oh dear... I wasn't fond of Xander, but I've heard stories. I feel so sorry for him... and that in itself is surprising.
"Are his balls still intact?"
"They were when I left Sunnydale, can't tell you much beyond that."
Well... if what I've heard is true, Xander's in trouble. Poor guy.
"Yeah, so I'm kind of okay with the gang. We're cool."
The gang. And that's all the gang. He thinks I haven't noticed. I have.
"Except you're trying to avoid mentioning her."
"Maybe I am."
Her. It's enough. We both know who we're talking about. I guess he's trying to cushion me. It's not so bad. I'm not fussed if he's talking to her more than I am. When I left Sunnydale, there was a reason, and that's fine. I can accept them being close now. I mean, it's not so bad. Not like they've been sleeping together or anything crazy like that.
"It's okay Spike, you can say her name."
"You can't."
I'm trying as hard as I can to read the expression on Spike's face. And he's not making things easy for me. I would have more time to investigate, if it wasn't for Gunn coming out here.
"Connor said I'd find you out here. We got a case."
I can see Spike looking at us like we're crazy.
"Private investigator, remember? What's the sitch?"
"Sitch?!"
He's laughing now. Since when was sitch such a bad word?
"One of the mermaids had a vision. You know, the one with the slightly bluer scales?"
"Katherina. Right. What did she see?"
"Not much. They don't know things all too well up here."
"They must have a lead of some sort."
Gunn's racking his brains for more information. Something to kill. Should loosen things up a little around here from the recent revelation.
"From the description of the area, it's a park somewhere."
"Oh well that narrows it down..."
Spike's being sarcastic again. He's certainly feeling better.
"And there are a bunch of kids who are going to be attacked by some grinch-slack thing. Big and brown."
"Grenshlaks?"
He's nodding. Great. Grenshlaks. That's just fantastic. Note the extreme sarcasm. It's always fantastic to fight creatures that have no sense of hygiene and are just downright ugly.
"So, did she figure out anything else?"
"All she knows is that the park has a lake, because she recognised the grenshlaks. They're water-type demons."
Well... this is good. And of course Spike has his own input.
"Water type? Well then that's easy. We just send Pikachu off to fight these things then go for drinks!"
Spike? Pokemon? Should I even ask?
"I'm never going to live that down am I?"
With a slow shaking of my head, I turn back to Gunn.
"Sounds like an axes all round kinda thing. Don't worry Gunn, I'll handle it."
"You sure? Grenshlaks aren't the friendliest of the lot."
"I guess I could use some back up. Spike. You in?"
Offering the olive branch. My hand is out there, he just has to take it. Please take it. Things have to improve. This is more than a fight Spike. This is accepting my offer. Stay. Heal. You're in the fold now. He's looking at me. He's thinking. Come on... Just say yes.
"I'm in."
~*-*~
Author's Note: Angel & Spike? Friends again? Sigh. If only it were so simple...
