DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter, nor do I own a fair amount of the background characters. Some of the characters (Taseia, Faellen, Kairn, and Seth in particular) I am the creator and owner of. So hands off please. The rest are copyright to J. K. Rowling.

Author's Note: Long, long chapter. Eh, it's so sad at the end! Poor Kairn! I've been on a writing storm lately and can't seem to make myself stop. -hugs all the chars- God! Why must I be so attatched to you all? If I keep up this pace I might be done the whole book within the next month or so o_O -hugs Kairn again- You'll understand after reading the chapter...

Mystixnight

Chapter 12 * Falling Apart

She found him up on the 4th floor, seated in a circular window ledge, playing the wand through his fingers. She'd been expecting that at least...

"Hey," she murmured, sitting down on the floor and watching the snow fall behind him. Kairn lifted his gave with the blandest of curiosity. "Hey." He replied with far less enthusiasm. "Can I help you with something?" He pressed further in that same distant, almost cold tone that she was used to by now.

Taseia only shrugged, holding out a hand for the wand, which he only gave to her after a moment's hesitation, scowling as it left his fingers. She looked it over curiously. "Have you been using it?" He looked up for a moment, swinging it lazily in the air. He shook his head. "No... I sort of want to-" He paused, searching for the right words. "I want to save it. I don't want it worn out."

He held out his hand and she noticed for the first time how pale it was. She handed it back and he pulled it up to himself, just holding it. "Kairn?"

He looked at her, noting how she had her face screwed up almost fearfully. "What, Tai?" She bit her lip, casting her gaze to the ground. "Never mind." Kairn gave a little snort and swiveled around to let his legs dangle from the ledge. "I hate when people do that. If you wanted to ask something, ask something!"

Taseia furrowed her brows, playing with a strand of her hair. "You said you owe me one."

Kairn nodded, obviously not understanding how this related to her acting like he was going to boot her in the face any second. "Yeah. So?"

She looked up, cringing. "Can I ask you a question? It'll count as your favour... To me."

Kairn immediately understood and turned back around, pulling his legs up to rest on the curved sides of the window well. Shit, why had he promised? He should have known she'd ask about this. Damned nosy RavenClaws. He should have seen it coming. "You promised, Kairn," she reminded him with a low tone that did in fact make him want to boot her in the head. Seems she'd been right in her assumptions. He managed to restrain himself though and gave a grudging snort of agreement, however bitter. "Fine. Ask away," he muttered...

Taseia's lips twitched upwards in a smile, then she appeared to think better of it and returned her gaze to her feet as she asked. "What happened, Kairn? What happened to him...?"

Kairn replied quickly and randomly, his words flowing together in a breathless stream. "I don't know. I think Seth has always been a bit messed up in the head. I don't know why he doesn't cut his hair, either. Maybe you should ask him. I do know he sleeps in way too late and that he's not the best in potions class. He made his explode and nearly decapitated Snape. He's lucky he isn't in a house or all his points would be gone by now. He did get detention though-" "Kairn!" Taseia cut him off sharply and he winced inwardly at the tone. He hadn't heard her speak like that before.

"That's not what I meant. And you know it," She softened her voice, standing up. "If you're going to be a git about it, forget I said anything!" She made a face and turned to walk away. Kairn didn't stop her... He wanted to though, but for some reason he was having a problem figuring out why.

"You should treat them better," he said aloud to himself, playing with the wand. He knew he should. But he didn't... He made fun of Fael, he treated Seth like a dog (though in all fairness, sometimes Seth did remind him of one) and he was always shutting Taseia down before she could even start. And he liked Fael. She was fun! She was the only one who could keep up with him in his sourest of moods. And Seth kept him sane. He was the only one with actual people skills and if he didn't use them every so often he and Fael would probably have ripped each other apart by now. And Taseia... She was the only one who even made an effort to listen, to talk. They all talked, of course. But he meant seriously.

Kairn keeps things bottled up. It makes the most sense. If you talk about things you have to think about them and when you think about them they hurt. So don't hurt. Which means don't think. Which directly associates with don't talk. Tadaa! Sounds simple, doesn't it? So how come even though he didn't want to talk to Taseia about it, he did? She'd asked... He owed her... It was fair and it made sense and it shouldn't matter so much but it did. He almost wanted to tell her... And for some reason that made him angry.

Why the hell did she want to know?! Did she think it was funny, amusing, a good story to tell the folks when she got back home? He kicked out sharply against the stone wall which made his foot hurt on top of everything else. Screw her! Screw her and Fael and Seth too!

"Yeah, screw 'em!" He said aloud and heard it echo through the empty hallway. And suddenly he felt very, very alone... "Screw 'em all," he said again, quieter, and heard the baleful resounding once more. No one here to hear, was there? He looked down at his hands, at his father's wand. A wand wasn't company! But it was his father's...

He should go apologize to Taseia. Yeah... Yeah, that'd fix things, he decided. Just say sorry and then come back. Sorry would fix everything...

* * *

It wasn't until forty-five minutes later he realized the largest gap in his logic. He couldn't find her. And he had no idea where the RavenClaw common room was. And if he found it he wouldn't know the password. And if by random chance he guessed right he'd be thrown out by many disgruntled RavenClaws not so pleased with the idea of a Slytherin being partial to the knowledge of their private dorm location.

He wandered the halls aimlessly when a familiar badge caught his eye on the chest of an older girl. "Hey!" He called out, running after her a few steps. The blonde pivoted on heel, looking Kairn up and down. "Yeah?" She asked and he caught an accent he couldn't place but ignored it. "Could you," he only now realized how odd a request he was making, but followed through anyway. "Could you go to your common room, find a girl names Taseia, she's a first year and tell her Kairn wants to talk to her."

The blonde laughed out loud and looked at Kairn like he was positively moronic. "I know who she is. But, no. I'm going to go see someone." With an infuriatingly snide grin she turned on heel and began to walk away.

"Hey!" Kairn shouted, grabbing her by the wrist. "It'll only take two minutes! Just tell her to come out!"

The blonde pulled herself free, giving another sly grin. "No."

"Yes!" He said back, brow furrowing.

"No!" She said back, squaring her shoulders and putting her hands on her hips.

"Yes!" Kairn said back, oblivious to the fact they sounded like a pair of five-year-olds. He gave her a sharp shove.

"Hey!" She squawked as she stumbled back a step. "You can't go around pushing people. And I'm not getting Taseia for you. We don't think she should hang out with kids like you."

Kairn blinked. "Who thinks that?" The blonde looked a little awkward now. "We all do." But it sounded to Kairn like 'we' was one person in particular. He gave a low snarl. "So I take it you and Sienna are pretty close?"

The blonde shifted her weight, not expecting that, and then nodded grudgingly. "So?"

Kairn gave a groan and leaned back against the wall, which made the blonde seem even more unsure. It seemed she was more comfortable shouting with him than seeing him defeated. "What'd she tell you?" The girl bit her lip, glancing back over her shoulder and taking a step as though to leave. Kairn shot her a glare and this seemed to make her reconsider and she shrugged. "She says that you told Taseia lies about us and she told Sienna she didn't want to be friends anymore." It was simply put something for which Kairn was grateful.

He grunted and shook his head. "I'm not going to bother explaining everything. But it's the other way around except for the fact Taseia didn't take any of it because she's actually got a head on her shoulders and decided she would choose her friends on her own. Now can you get Taseia for me? Please."

That last totally caught the girl off guard and she nodded, dumbly, scurrying off down the hall. Kairn didn't have to wait long. Taseia was actually beaming when she jogged up the hall towards him. "What'd you say to her? Aida hasn't even said a word to me since me and Sienna had our falling out!"

Kairn wondered briefly whether he ought to forget about the apology. Taseia had obviously already forgotten and was happy about other things, so why mess with it? His conscience pulled at him though and he just shook his head with a shrug. "Just asked her to get you for me."

Taseia gave an answering shrug, falling into step with him as he began walking aimlessly. "What was it you wanted?" She looked up, arching her brows beneath the pointed black hat.

"To say sorry. So, uh, sorry..." He kept his gaze glued on his feet and spoke in a voice that didn't suggest he was altogether pleased to be saying it, though inwardly felt a lot lighter after spitting it out.

Taseia shook her head jostling him with her elbow. "It's okay." She grinned again and turned them both through a doorway towards the grounds where they crunched their way through the snow. "Are you going to tell me now?"

Kairn stumbled a step, caught off guard. "What?" He spluttered. He'd been under the impression she would let it drop. Taseia met his gaze and there was a firm determination there he hadn't noticed before. "Are you going to tell me now? It's what you owe me, Kairn. That's what I want to know."

Kairn kicked a clump of snow viciously. "No! That's not fair! I said I owed you like... A favour! Giving you notes in class or giving you my dessert one night, not-" He gave a little growl. "Not an interrogation!"

Taseia just set her jaw and kept walking. "I want to know Kairn and I think you should tell somebody. You keep it all locked up inside when it's obvious to everyone who takes the time to look it's eating at you! And ever since you got that wand you find all these little places to sit there and be alone with it! It's like an obsession and it's not healthy! I get that it hurts you Kairn, but I'm not going to be able to help you 'til you let me!"

Kairn rounded on her. "Who says I want help?! I'm helping myself! Things are fine! I'm fine! It's you that's messed up! Get a life and stop trying to throw yourself into mine!"

The insults just bounced off of her and she only blinked. "You need help, Kairn. You might not want it, but you need it."

Kairn scowled. "What do you want me to say? Do you want me to pour it all out so you can sit there and nod and feel sorry for me? I don't want you to feel sorry for me! I feel sorry enough for myself!" He lashed out with his boot at another pile of snow, sending the flakes up in a white cloud.

Make her stop, make her stop, make her stop! His head kept reciting the mantra over and over. She was making him think! She skipped the talking step! That's not fair! But it was too late, everything was just flooding him again and he hated it! "Kairn?" Taseia drew up a step and put a hand on his shoulder, looking concerned and he wanted to punch her for it, just like he punched Potter. He lashed out at her arm, pushing it off.

"Don't give me that! You don't care! You're just nosy! You couldn't care less! No one does! No one gets it!" He felt like ripping out his hair, or her hair, or just exploding into oblivion. "It wasn't his fault!" He screamed and would later be thankful they were so far away from the school because his eyes were stinging and he had a horrible feeling he was crying. Taseia looked absolutely terrified beside him. "We needed the money!" He screamed furiously. Maybe if he just explained, then everyone would understand and they'd realize his father was never evil like the others! Never! He was innocent! Kairn was falling apart at the seams, everything pounding in his head and making his chest tighten up and his optics burn.

"But no one would hire him and he didn't know back then what was going on! No one knew! So he joined him! He joined for me!" He was kicking snow wildly now, taking running steps and sending it flying into the air in bursts, coating him in the powdery flecks. "And he never even did anything! And then that Potter kid was born and You-Know-Who got snuffed and we could have been happy! We could have been fine! But NO! They had to go around and pick off every single one didn't they! Even the death eaters who didn't want to be one! Even the ones that were trying to get out of it! And they killed him, Tai!" He rounded on her again, taking on her shoulders in each hand and shaking her violently. "They killed him! They blew him to bits!" He was sobbing now, making a hysteric 'poof' gesture with his arms in the air. "Just blew him up! Never gave him time to explain! They just killed him." He sunk to his knees in the snow, head in his hands, sobbing openly and too messed up to care, blinded by the tears in his eyes. "He was a good man! He didn't deserve it," he choked out. "My mom didn't deserve to hear about it from two stiff prats in business robes who said it like it was a good thing! She didn't deserve to have to take three jobs and bring me up alone! And I didn't deserve it, either! I miss him," he let out in a strangled wail. "I miss him!"

He lifted his head, looking half mad with his hair, usually so immaculately smoothed splayed in every direction and tears streaking his face, eyes still bright and robes coated in snow. "But things are going to be better! She knew him and she says that we can fix things," he said with an equally torn grimace that might have been meant as a smile. He was rambling now, and Taseia was having a hard time taking this all in. "She says that if we can just get Potter fixed up, because he isn't right, Tai, he isn't right," it sounded absurd coming from someone who didn't look quite 'right' themselves. "Then things'll be alright. I want things to be alright," he trailed off, choking on another sob. "I want things alright..."

Taseia seemed to come out her daze and she let herself slide to the ground, arms around Kairn's shoulders, who was rocking back and forth spewing gibberish in between body wracking sobs. He buried his face in her robes, clinging her to desperately, for once acting like the child he was, even younger... Acting like the seven-year-old he was when his life collapsed on itself.

Taseia couldn't speak for a moment, finding she had a catch in her throat and her own eyes were prickling horribly. Somehow this isn't how she'd pictured things. She'd seen them talking it out and Kairn relieved and her understanding. And he'd thank her and feel better letting someone know. And she'd help him through it like a friend. She hadn't known... A death eater? But... But that meant that... She blinked fast, trying not to let herself cry as well. She'd never even thought of that! Not once! No wonder it ate at him... And look at what she'd done! And now that it was all over with she didn't know what to do, she wanted to take it all back, or just hand him his father and make him stop crying. She'd never seen him cry. Hell, she couldn't even imagine him crying until now. It made her feel guilty and scared.

She shook her head, rocking with him, stroking his disheveled hair, the world a kaleidoscope of colours as her eyes watered. "They will be, Kairn," she managed in a strangled voice that she tried to make reassuring. She was crying herself now, placing her head on his back. "Things will be alright..." She repeated this over and over to him as he sobbed beside her, soaked in tears and snow, body heaving as he cried...

* * *

A/N: God... Writing the end of this chapter made me cry because I can see Kairn in my head and the two of them rocking on the ground. I can even hear their voices in my head... Ugh, stop crying, Mystix!