hey everyone! forgive me if this chapter isn't funny, I'm suffering from lack of sleep, so right now I think EVERYTHING is funny.
btw, Chelsea,
I finally got around to reading Toilet Ring of Oz. so random, so confusing, so
totally kick ass. thanks for recommending it!
a few more notes: this chapter is longer than the
previous ones (so pee before you start reading), and it's not really focused on
dinner, but more on friends and how they REALLY sucked.
…and I think that's it now…so on with the show! the adventure continues with chapter 6!
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Chapter 6: Woof
The Ducks wandered the streets of Minneapolis for the next hour and a half. Averman had stopped talking about vampires. He was still wearing his garlic, but between hunger, fatigue, and the terrible smell, it was taking him everything he had not to pass out. Russ and Goldberg were leaning on each other to keep from falling over. Charlie was walking next to Fulton. They seemed to be taking turns nodding off while they were walking, and taking turns waking each other up. Guy was practically carrying Connie, while Adam and Dwayne were dragging Kenny along. Luis followed behind them, and Portman and Julie brought up the rear.
Portman was covered in marks and bruises where everyone had hit him. They hadn't gone easy on him, because it was his fault that, as Russ had said earlier, "everyone was going to die." Portman, however, was still clutching Julie's hand.
"Would you two quit holding hands? You're worse than Connie and Guy," said Luis irritably.
"What's wrong with holding hands, Mendoza? Besides you've done much worse in public," Portman snapped. "I seem to recall a certain blond cheerleader and a rather big mud hole…"
"We didn't do anything, besides, I only did that once," Luis defended himself.
"Yeah, because the cops said they'd arrest you if they ever caught you doing it again," Portman sniggered.
"Yeah? At least I wasn't suspended from the team for a week for chewing tobacco!" Luis spit back at Portman angrily.
"That wasn't Portman, that was me," Fulton said, "And
I didn't know it was tobacco."
"What did you think it was, dipshit?
Candy?" Luis snapped.
"Drop it, Luis," said Charlie sharply. Fulton opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, Charlie said, "You too, Fulton."
"Why should we take orders from you?" Luis asked angrily.
"Yeah, why should we?" Fulton said, looking at Luis.
"What? You guys are buddies now?" Charlie asked angrily. "Wanna know why you take orders from me? Cause I'm captain, that's why. And if you don't like it, you can go hug a landmine."
"All of you, would you just shut-up? I'm trying to think here," said Averman.
"For the first time ever," Goldberg snapped.
"Quiet, Tubby," Averman spit back.
"Both of you just shut the hell up," Connie said.
"Why don't you close your mouth, Connie? Oh right, cause you've got Guy's dick shoved too far down your throat!" Goldberg yelled.
Connie stared angrily for a minute. Then her face fell and tears flowed out of her eyes. Julie let go of Portman's hand, and went over to Connie and hugged her.
"Look what you've done! Say it again, Goldberg, I dare you," Guy spoke up, his temper and his voice rising.
"I think you heard me the first time," sniggered Goldberg.
It was quick. It was very quick. Guy had tackled Goldberg faster than Julie was between the goal posts. Fists were flying, and the rest of the Ducks stood watching and yelling. Some were cheering for Guy, others for Goldberg, some were yelling at each other, a few were looking around nervously for cops, and Adam was trying to break it up.
When Goldberg and Guy both yelled, "STAY OUT OF THIS, BANKS!" Adam had finally had enough. Throwing caution to the wind, he threw himself down on to the pile. Using his legs, he put a knee on Goldberg's chest, and a knee on Guy's. With both of them now lying flat on their backs, Adam put one hand around each of their throats.
"WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU TWO!? YOU'RE FRIENDS, REMEMBER!? NOW QUIT BEING JACKASSES, GET THE HELL UP, AND APOLOGIZE FOR BEING COMPLETE AND TOTAL ASSHOLES!" Adam yelled all this very loud. People around them were staring. It was only 10 PM, so many people were still out. The rest of the Ducks were staring. Nobody had ever seen Banksie freak out like this before.
Adam got off Guy and Goldberg and pulled each of them up off the ground by their shirts. For a thin guy, he was strong. "Well, what are you waiting for? Apologize," he said.
Looking rather angrily for a moment at Adam and Goldberg, Guy's face finally softened, and in a quiet voice said, "I'm sorry, Goldberg." He put out his hand for Goldberg to shake.
Goldberg took it, and said, "Yeah, I'm sorry too, Guy…and I'm sorry to you too, Connie, I didn't mean what I said."
"It's alright, Goldberg," Connie said with a smile, giving him a hug.
"What about the rest of you?" Adam barked to the rest of the Ducks.
The rest of them looked around, all annoyed at Adam for being so demanding for the first time in his life. How dare Adam demand anything from his friends? Finally, Luis said, "I'm sorry, Portman. I'm sorry, Fulton. I didn't mean what I said either. I'm just so hungry." He flopped down onto the grass. They were at the edge of the park.
"Yeah, I'm sorry too, Mendoza," Portman said.
"And me," said Fulton.
Averman went over to Goldberg, and throwing his arms around Goldberg in a hug, he wailed in between fake sobs, "I'm so sorry Goldberg!"
"Ok, Averman, now get hell off me."
"You don't still think I'm gay, do you?"
"No. But you smell God awful," Goldberg said, trying not to gag.
"Hey, look where we are!" Averman said suddenly pointing, releasing Goldberg. He got up and ran to where he had been pointing.
It was a pond. Julie, Portman, Luis, Russ, Dwayne, and Kenny all looked confused. But the others looked excited, and followed Averman down to the water. The confused Ducks soon followed.
"It's a pond," said Portman. "So what?"
"It's not just a pond. It's THE pond," said Charlie looking like he had been morally offended.
"It's the pond we discovered hockey on. It's the pond we first became a team on. And most importantly, it's the pond we became friends on." Connie said dramatically. "Well, not Adam, but he knows the story, and he's almost an original Duck," she added, smiling at him.
"Yeah," Guy sighed. "Remember when we used to play here, with old copies of the Enquirer taped to our shins?"
"Yeah! And I was afraid of the puck?" Goldberg laughed.
"And I couldn't skate?" said Fulton
"And I had pink skates? And Charlie was a spazway?" Connie said, and she and Charlie both laughed.
"And I couldn't puck handle?" laughed Averman.
"We really sucked," Guy laughed. "We REALLY sucked."
"Yeah, you did," Adam grinned.
"Ah shut-up, Hawk. Putting on a Ducks jersey doesn't mean you're a real Duck," Guy said playfully, echoing Jesse's words from years ago. Jesse hadn't gone to Eden Hall. He decided he didn't want to play competitive hockey anymore, so he went to public school instead.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME, GERMAINE!?" Adam yelled.
"Yell a little louder, Adam. I don't think they heard you in Guam. You don't do enough yelling, you know. Look at us! We deserve to be yelled at. And I know you're a Duck now. But you were a Hawk then. And you're right. We REALLY sucked," said Guy, still laughing.
Speaking to Julie, Portman, Russ, Luis, Dwayne, and Kenny, Charlie gestured out to the pond. "This will always be home ice."
"Being here at the pond, with you guys makes me not afraid of vampires anymore," said Averman.
"So what are you going to do?" Dwayne asked.
"I'll show you!" Averman tore his garlic necklace off and threw it into the water. Everyone cheered.
The Ducks, old and new, sat on the grassy bank of THE pond...except for Portman who had gone to lie down on a bench a couple feet away. Their hunger could wait for a while, even if the did feel like they were going to die. Right now, they were just remembering the good times of the past. For a few minutes, there was silence.
Then, out of nowhere, Kenny said, "Woof."
"What?" said Charlie.
"Woof," said Kenny.
"What?" asked Russ. The confusion was building.
"WOOF!" said Kenny again.
"Huh?" Dwayne looked confused.
"WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!" Kenny continued woofing.
"What the hell is going on?" asked Guy
"I think the Little Bash Brother has lost it," said Connie.
"WOOF! WOOF!"
"Tell me," said Fulton conversationally, pulling out his cell phone, "Does anyone know offhand if 911 is the right number for a straight-jacket?" (Author's Note: I stole that joke from a television show.)
Then, suddenly, Adam started woofing along with Kenny.
"Our best player is going to the mental ward," said Charlie, looking at Adam.
"WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!" Kenny and Adam went on.
"Are you guys alright?" Portman asked, his eyes were closed, and he was still lying on a bench.
Kenny got up, stood over to Portman and stared right in his face. Their faces were only inches apart, and Portman still hadn't opened his eyes. Kenny was silent for a moment. Then-
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF!"
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Portman eyes shot open and he fell off the bench.
There was wild laughter as Portman chased the barking Kenny around. Suddenly Kenny tripped over something and didn't move. Portman stopped running.
"Uh, guys," he called to the other Ducks, who rushed over.
"Oh my God! You killed Kenny!" said Russ, meaning what had come out of his mouth. Then thinking about what he had said for a moment, everyone cracked up again.
Kenny opened his eyes and laughed. "No, you didn't...woof," he added, grinning.
"Yeah, woof, we thought you were dead!" Julie said, her face was pale.
"I'm not dead. You think I'd die from tripping over a rock? You worry too much, Julie."
"I worry too much? Well you know what, Kenny?"
"What?"
"Woof!" she said, grinning.
"Yeah. Woof!" said Connie, joining in.
"Woof," said Guy.
"WOOF!" yelled Portman.
Pretty soon, everybody was woofing.
"Hey, Ducks don't bark! Ducks are supposed to quack!" said a familiar voice from behind them.
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how was it? it was a bit mushy and corny, but not too bad, I hope. the woof joke comes from an inside joke between me and my friends, and remembering it is SOOO hilarious. to you guys, I hope it's random and funny, but like I said before, I've gotten no sleep recently, and everything is a complete riot to me right now. hit the review button.
