Bugger it, then

~chapter 2~

In which Scott gets an evil assistant and Austin & Co. finally get a few lines

a/n: I got my journal back! So here's the second chappie, which is longer, see? *grin*

disclaimer: I own Scott. He's mine. (Hey, I can dream, right?)

~

~Several days later, in a small suburb outside Washington, DC~

Kitty Quixote sat on the couch of her tiny apartment, poring over the classified ads. She had just been fired from yet another small theater company, as a result of a nasty falling-out with the director, who was an incompetent idiot anyway. But the point was, Kitty needed a new job. She turned the page and was confronted by a huge ad in red ink.

Evil Assistant wanted for hostage-taking, threatening world leaders, general schemes for taking over the world, and other assorted badness. Must be able to laugh maniacally. No references required. Apply to: Scott Evil, The Secret Lair, 555-EVIL.

Aha, thought Kitty. Now here's something I can do! She quickly changed from her pajamas into black jeans and her favorite T-shirt (which read "Carpe Noctem" across the front in fancy letters), pulled on her shoes, dragged a brush through short, dark blue hair, grabbed a map and a can of Mountain Dew, pressed the button on her pocket teleporter and promptly disappeared.

~Meanwhile, somewhere in London~

"Oh look, Scotty's looking for a new friend." Dr. Evil said, holding up a copy of the same ad. "How cute."

"D'you think it's anything to worry about?" asked Austin.

Dr. Evil thought for a second. "Nah. Scotty never learned to be properly evil." He started to raise his pinky, but thought better of it and put his hand down.

"Alright then. Let's go get breakfast, I'm starving," Austin replied.

~Meanwhile (yes, again) back at The Lair~

Scott was still quite bored, but was feeling slightly better, as someone could be answering his ad at any time. He was just considering getting up for some food when there was a loud bang and a burst of fire erupted right next to his chair. Startled, Scott fell over the opposite arm onto the floor. He scrambled to his feet in time to see the flames clear, revealing a young woman with dark blue hair wearing baggy black clothes and rather a lot of eyeliner, and holding a can of Mountain Dew.

"Rule number one of evildoing," she told the astonished Scott, popping the can open. "Never attempt anything without caffeine." She raised the can in a mock toast and took a long sip from it, then set it on the shiny table.

"Scott Evil, I presume?" she inquired, extending a hand with bright red fingernails. "The name's Kitty… Kitty Quixote. Quixote by name, quixotic by nature."

Scott shook the offered hand. "That's me. Evil by name… very evil by nature. Um… what's that it says on your shirt?"

"Carpe Noctem… seize the night." Kitty shrugged. "I'm not much of a morning person. Anyway, I heard you were looking for an assistant."

"Yeah. Um… have a seat." Scott sat back in his chair, making a valiant attempt to look dignified. Kitty sat on the table. "So, what do you do?"

"I'm assuming you mean my profession-" she gave a wicked half-smile- "well, you might say I'm an artistic jack-of-all-trades. Actress, writer, singer, photographer, you name it."

"Impressive… how did you get from that to evildoing?"

Kitty shrugged. "I think too much. Society rejected me for not blindly following their artificial standards of perfection, so I rejected them back."

Scott made a face. "I know the feeling. You're hired."

Kitty grinned and slid off the table. "Cool! Let me just go home and get my stuff… I've got a lot of junk, for a starving artist." Before Scott could say a word, she had pulled what looked like a remote control out of her pocket, pressed a few buttons, and vanished with another loud bang and burst of flames.

I have got to get one of those, though Scott.

~The next morning, in London~

"Austin, Dr. Evil, we've got the identity of Scott's new assistant." Basil Exposition spoke to the pair through the brand-new flat-screen wall-mounted viewing monitor in Austin's pad.

"Smashing, Basil. Who is it?"

"Her name is Kitty Quixote." Basil held up a snapshot that looked like it had been taken from an odd angle during a performance. "She's an artist gone bad- rejected from society, idealistic and cynical at the same time, that whole bit." He held up another photo, this time a theatre-quality head shot. "Memorize her face, it's the only thing she doesn't change on a regular basis."

"Right-o," Austin replied.

"They haven't done anything evil yet, but they're definitely plotting something, so be on the alert. Oh, and Dr. Evil… you may want to get a new name."

"Riiiiiiiight."

~Meanwhile, at the Lair~

Scott wandered through the lair in his pajamas, looking for breakfast. If he had been all the way awake, he would have been more than a little surprised that the halls were so deserted. When he finally found his way to the kitchen, he found Kitty, also wearing pajamas, making chocolate chip pancakes.

"Good morning!" she greeted him cheerfully.

Scott blinked at her. "I thought you weren't a morning person."

Kitty grinned. "I lied. Some days I am."

"How come you're making breakfast?" Scott asked. "Didn't the henchmen do it properly?"

Now it was Kitty's turn to blink at Scott. "Henchmen?"

Scott stared, amazed. "You mean they're gone?"

"I didn't know they were supposed to be here in the first place. Silly, really, I suppose… it's rather a huge place for just one person, or two, as the case may be- heyy, where are you going?"

Scott had started toward the door. "Let me at 'em…"

"Scott!" He turned to look at Kitty. She held out a plate stacked with pancakes. "Can't be evil on an empty stomach."

"Right." He took the plate and carried it out to the main room. Kitty followed with her own plate, silverware, and maple syrup.

"Breakfast, then clothes, then we'll go hunt them down, all right?" she said, setting it all on the table.

"Okay." They both sat down and dug into their stacks of pancakes.

Breakfast passed rather uneventfully. Scott and Kitty returned to their respective rooms to change their clothes - Scott to his usual black uniform, and Kitty to tight, dark red jeans and a tank top that read "Knowledge is Power, Power Corrupts, Study Hard, Be Evil." Almost immediately after they came back downstairs, Frau entered looking rather suspicious and sneaky. She seemed a bit alarmed to see them.

"Mom!" Scott exclaimed, pretending not to notice. "Have you met Kitty yet? Well, this is Kitty Quixote, anyway. She's my new evil assistant. Kitty, this is Frau, my mom. She used to be Dad's evil assistant before he turned good." Scott spit the word out as if it tasted bad.

Kitty waved happily. "Hi!"

"Mom, do you know where all the henchmen went to?" Scott asked.

"No idea, besides the fact that they left. Wanted to turn good as well, after Dr. Evil left. I was going to give it a try myself, but I guess I'll stay here."

"They turned good? All of them?" Scott didn't believe what he was hearing. "Great. Just wonderful."

"Well, that's just a bugger then. We'll survive, of course," Kitty said. "If the bad guys got defeated now," she added to no one in particular, "there wouldn't be much of a story, now would there?"

"What was that?" Scott inquired.

"Oh, nothing, just breaking the fourth wall."

"Oh, okay then."

"Tell you what," said Frau, "I'll find some more henchmen, and you two run along and plot something nice and evil." At that, a big red warning light started blinking.

"Warning warning, oxymoron alert!" a voice blared. "Oxymoron in the vicinity-"

"Oh, shut up! They knew what I meant!" Frau ran to shut off the oxymoron alarm, while Scott and Kitty ran off to do something ni- um, really evil.