~~**~~

Shades of Gray

~~**~~

"Hello, Severus."

The professor turned from his perch at the window to look into the wizened and weary blue eyes of Albus Dumbledore. He looked even worse than before, if that were possible. Like he hadn't slept in days.

"Severus, it's.. bad. I told you that things didn't go as we had hoped."

Severus turned back to the window and looked out on the blood-covered field.

"We didn't win, Severus."

Severus should have snorted. He should have had some sarcastic remark just on the tip of his tongue, one that would make even the bravest of his students flinch. But he didn't. He couldn't say a word.

"We lost so many. Our students, Severus. Neville Longbottom, Seamus Finnegan, Dean Thomas, Lavender Brown, both of the Patils.. Cho Chang, both of the Creeveys.."

Severus stopped listening when he realized that he already knew everything that Albus was telling him. He had seen all of their broken, bloodied bodies carried up to the school just that morning. He didn't need to hear the names in order to remember, in order to know who had died.

He had already been witness to the whole disgusting affair.

"But your Slytherins managed fairly well."

Severus snapped back to attention. His Slytherins.. he hadn't seen any of them except for Parkinson. Had they done well?

"We lost a few to the Death Eaters, of course. Vincent Crabbe, Gregory Goyle, Parkinson, Nott, and Avery. I'm fairly certain that Crabbe, Parkinson, and Avery are dead now, though."

The Death Eaters. Severus had almost forgotten that there was a fate much worse than death.

"Draco is alive."

Severus's heart started pounding quickly in his chest. Draco, his little dragon.. alive? He was alive?

Dumbledore managed a smile, even though Severus wasn't looking. "I thought you would be pleased," he murmured quietly.

Severus wanted to nod. 'Pleased' didn't even begin to describe what he was feeling. Draco, his boy, his beloved godson.. alive?

He had been so scared, so frightened for him. The last time Severus had seen him, he was running off into battle with Fred Weasley, his wand held high in defiance of the dark.

"We found him off past the Whomping Willow with Fred Weasley and Hermione Granger. All three were unconscious, but alive."

Granger was alive. Harry would be pleased.

"He's been asking after you. We won't let anyone in yet, of course, but he wants to see you."

Draco wanted to see him? He wanted to see Draco..

"Just a few more days, Severus, and Poppy says that you can leave."

Leave? Did he want to leave? This window was his home now. There were no windows in the dungeons.

The dungeons had been his home for years, ever since he had first taken his job as potions professor. The dungeons were his territory, his sanctuary. They were the only place in which he allowed himself to feel at home and relax a little. Not that he ever really relaxed- there was still too much Slytherin in him to ever actually take down his guard. But the dungeons were the only place in which he actually felt human- in which he was glad to be alive.

Did he really want to go back there, now? It seemed wrong to be so secluded, to not have the bright rays of the sun spilling through the window and lighting up his too-pale face. It seemed wrong to be alone when the dead still lay just outside the walls, untouched and, as of yet, unmourned. Some were even unrecognizable.

Severus really didn't think that he could leave his window.

A sigh. "They didn't win, either, Severus."

They didn't win? A bloodbath, then, that was all that this was? So many had died for a mere bloodbath?

"It was basically a draw. Nobody won. We were foolish to have expected this to be the end."

Well, it was supposed to be the end. It should have been the end. It had seemed so simple- the Death Eaters were attacking Hogwarts. All of them. This would be the Final Battle- kill or be killed. Their side would win, or the Death Eaters would win. It would simply be a matter of who was left standing at the end.

But it hadn't been simple. Hogwarts had been ready, had been prepared. They hadn't anticipated that the Death Eaters would be just as eager and ready to do battle. They had forgotten that the other side was preparing, too.

Both sides had been fighting to the death. How had it ended in a draw?

"We couldn't get to Voldemort, Severus."

Oh. That was how. Getting to Voldemort had been the key to everything. Getting to Voldemort would have guaranteed them success.

"There were too many Death Eaters protecting him. They obviously knew what we were aiming for."

Of course they knew. Most of them were Slytherins, with minds specially crafted for strategy and tactics. It was common knowledge that the enemy would always try to get to the heart; to destroy the core of your plan. And the Death Eaters' core was Voldemort. They couldn't go on without him.

"Voldemort is still alive. He managed to escape without serious injury, if I'm not mistaken."

Merlin, all of those deaths.. for what? Was this really so pointless?

"So, really, we're back where we started."

Which was nowhere. They were absolutely nowhere, and down nearly half of their numbers, as well. How many were dead or injured? Thousands, or so it seemed. How many from the other side?

The other side had lost just as many people, he couldn't forget. Both sides had been devastated in what was probably the most terrible battle ever fought on Hogwarts grounds. Would he ever be able to walk outside again without hearing the screaming of curses, the wails of the dying? Would he ever be able to leave the hospital wing again?

Severus knew that he would. He would be strong, for everybody who no longer had a life to be strong with. He would keep fighting, because until this ended, there would only be more and more deaths. There would only be more bloodshed and tears until one side won.

And there was no way in the world that Severus was going to let the other side win.

Not because he was so loyal to the side of the light, but because he had seen what Voldemort was capable of. Had witnessed first-hand just how terrible Voldemort could really be. Had vowed his life and loyalty to Dumbledore in order to destroy the man who had ruined his life.

Severus had joined as a spy. He had always been a spy. But he had touched the darkness; had reveled in it, at times. There was no way he could have made his way into Voldemort's inner circle without being cold, cutting, and ruthless. He had killed, tortured, raped.. all for the cause of the light.

Severus had never fully recovered. How could he, when nobody else understood?

Dumbledore had convinced himself that Severus had never been dark, that he had always been and would always be purely of the light. The rest of the world saw him as nothing but a Death Eater, something evil and cruel, unfeeling and not to be touched.

No one understood that there was no such thing as black and white.

There were only shades of gray.