Title: Driving Disasters aka Why the Slam Dunk Cast Do Not Drive
Chapter: 2/3
Genre: Non-yaoi (A/N: No kidding, it's non-yaoi for real), Humour, General
Warning: Mild OOC (actually, I'm not sure…), irrational materials, attempted comedy, some grammatical errors, poor English
DISCLAIMER: The name Hikaru Kudou is not in Dr. T's place, so by right that means SD is not mine. Excuse me while my angst gets to me…

Intro: Why they don't drive cars? No, aside from their age factor, I mean. Simply because they fail their driving test! And now, I leave it to their driving instructor, the long-suffering Mr. Kageyama Hoshi (Oh, wow, he's still alive! It's a phenomenon!), to narrate his long anecdote…
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Why Haruko Akagi Fails Her Driving Test

Haruko: Ohaiyo, Kageyama-sensei!

Kageyama: Ohaiyo. Kimi wa Akagi Takenori no imouto desu ka? Akagi Haruko?

Haruko: Hai!

Kageyama: *relieves to see the sister is very unlike the brother* All right.

Haruko: *sits behind the steering wheel*

Kageyama: Yosh! Let's begin! You have the key?

Haruko: *inserts the key*

            Five minutes passed…

Kageyama: Okay…so now, you'll have to turn the key to start the car…

            Add another five minutes…

Kageyama: *starting to get impatient* Now that the engine has started…step on the pedal down there…

Haruko: *bursts crying* I'm scared, Kageyama-sensei…*holds the driving instructor's hands* You see here…my hands…they are cold…shaking…weak…

Kageyama: It's alright, it's alright…you can do this…

Haruko: What if I mess up? I'm too young to die! What if I run over an elderly grandma?

Kageyama: *sighs* Let's do this slowly, don't rush…

            Maybe 'slowly' is not an appropriate word at all. As the sun sets in the horizon…

Haruko: *still crying buckets* What if I can't dry forever? They say it's normal for a girl to be weak, but I really can't help myself…

Kageyama: *nods absentmindedly, and suddenly notices the girl has ceased moaning and crying* Ms. Akagi?

Haruko: *unconscious*

Notes: Student has no self-confidence. End of story.

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Why Jin Soichirou Fails His Driving Test

Jin: Am I doing it correctly?

Kageyama: Yes, you're doing fine. Let's see, what else haven't we covered…

Jin: Parking the car, if I am not mistaken.

Kageyama: Oh, right. How about we try to park around here? There's only a handful of vehicles here…

Jin: If you insist

Kageyama: There, try parking the car right there…

Jin: *follows his instruction*

Kageyama: *smiles in relief* Great job—wha??

            The car stoops to the left.

Jin: Oh dear…I didn't almost park the car in the drain, did I? *unconsciously moves nearer to Kageyama to look, causing the car to lean even more*

Kageyama: Don't move! If you do the car will end up in the drain. And yes, you did. I think left front wheel is in the drainage ditch…

Jin: *smiles nervously* Saa…then we'll just have to sit real still…

Kageyama: *slightly pale* Aa…to maintain the balance of the car…*feels a mosquito on his nose*

Jin: There's a mosquito! I'll get it for you.

Kageyama: *eyes wide open* NO!!! DON'T!!!!

Jin: *spanks Kageyama's nose, er, the mosquito, I mean*

            Creek…creek…creek…BUMP!

Notes: Student is too helpful for his own good.

Further Notes: Student missed the mosquito.

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Why Kiyota Nobunaga Fails His Driving Test

Kiyota: I'm Kiyota Nobunaga, the golden rookie.

Kageyama: Uh…nice to meet your acquaintance. I'm your tester, Kageyama Hoshi.

Kiyota: I still don't know why must there be a driving test in the first place. Driving can't be that hard—at least, not for a golden rookie like me.

Kageyama: Is he by any chance a relative of that so-called genius? You've driven a car before?

Kiyota: Yeah, of course.

Kageyama: *raises an eyebrow* What type of car?

Kiyota: Remote control cars.

Kageyama: *falls anime style* Why do I feel something bad is bound to happen?

            Kiyota goggles at the steering wheel and some other push buttons.

Kageyama: Is there anything amiss?

Kiyota: It's way different from the remote control ones.

Kageyama: *yells impatiently* What did you expect????

            Somehow, Kiyota miraculously manages to get the car on the road. As Kiyota is driving, somebody calls out his name, er, nickname.

Sakuragi: *standing in front of a Pachinko shop* Oi! Nozaru!

Kiyota: *withdraws the window screen in a flash* You! Red-headed monkey!

Kageyama: Well, what do you know…they are related…

Sakuragi: Nyahahahaha….!!!!

Kiyota: Urusei! Can't you see I'm busy right now?

Sakuragi: You'll fail anyway, so why bother?

Kiyota: *fumes* Oh, yeah?? *kicks into high gear, glares at Sakuragi* I'll show you!!!

Kageyama: *is thrown backwards* Ohmygodmygodmygodmygod….

            After moving less than one metre, the car hits a nearby fire hydrant. Sakuragi laughs his head off as the unfortunate fire hydrant transforms into a wrecked and out of shape fountain.

Kiyota: Shut up! You failed too! *gets out of the car and slams the door angrily*

Sakuragi: *infuriated, marches toward Kiyota*

Kageyama: To think I just polished the car this morning…

Notes: Some people still don't know they're supposed to pay attention while driving

Further Notes: Had to take both of the injured, quarrelling monkeys to the nearest vet—since the clinics are closed.

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Why Maki Shinichi Fails His Driving Test

Kageyama: You're the MVP player, aren't you?

Maki: Yes.

Kageyama: I hope you'll do well in this test, since you're the MVP and all…maybe they'll dub you the MVD next, huh?

Maki: *shrugs humbly*

Kageyama: Maybe we should move on to your parking?

Maki: No problem.

Kageyama: We're at the parking lot. A good place to test you. OK, careful now…

Maki: *reverses the car, making sure he closes the distance between the car he is driving with the other car cautiously*

Kageyama: Good, good…little by little, slowly…that's it…

            Unexpectedly…

Kiyota: *who happens to be nearby, cries loudly* Good luck, Maki-san!

Maki: *surprised, he drives the car backwards one inch more than necessary, thus crashing into the car behind. Make that cars since that car hits the car behind it, and so forth…In short, think dominoes*

Kiyota: Mom's CAR!!!

Notes: Make sure students remain calm and uninterrupted constantly.

Further Notes: Withdrew a huge sum of money to pay for the profuse damage—plus a lawyer or two.

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Why Fujima Kenji Fails His Driving Test

Kageyama: *nodding his head* You're a really fast learner. That's good.

Fujima: *smiles* Thank you, sensei. People do associate my name with the word 'fast'. I'm glad it's not merely a groundless compliment.

Kageyama: I…I see.

Fujima: Does that mean I passed the test, Kageyama-sensei?

Kageyama: Certainly. Carry on.

Fujima: Can I drive a little faster?

Kageyama: Okay, but be careful.

Fujima: *eyes sparkling in delight* Capital!

            Excited, Fujima increases his speed. Consequently, their car collides with a police car.

Kageyama: *frowning, scrawls a sizable red cross on Fujima's form*

Notes: Never, ever encourage students to drive any faster.

Further Notes: Received a speeding ticket. Ironically, it was issued by the same police officer. Refer to Mitsui Hisashi and Miyagi Ryota's tests.

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Why Hanagata Toru Fails His Driving Test

Shoyo supporters: Hanagata! Hanagata! *bangs empty bottles together*

Kageyama: Pardon my asking, but exactly why are they here?

Hanagata: They wanted to come and cheer for me, partly because they thought their absence resulted to Fujima failing his test. I hope that's all right with you, sensei?

Kageyama: Look on the bright side…at least they're not fan-girls… *shudders* Very well. Let's start.

Shoyo supporters: Go, Hanagata, go! Defence! Defence!

Conductor: Oi! Oi! Wrong cheer!

            Anyway…

Kageyama: Let me get this straight…your adherents lined up along the road solely to cheer, support and wish you luck…

Hanagata: I know. Loyal, aren't they?

Kageyama: Indubitably. Turn left…that's right.

Hanagata: Huh? I thought you said left?

Kageyama: *eyes still focused on his writing pad* Right.

Hanagata: …Okay… *turns the wheel to the right*

            The first thing they see coming exactly in their direction is a car.

Kageyama: You're not on the right road!

Hanagata: But this is right! That's what you told me!

Kageyama: For crying out loud, this is a one-way street! *grabs the steering wheel, and succeeds in steering clear of the car*

            Only to run straight into a garbage truck.

Notes: Student is easily confused because of one word.

Further Notes: Had to purchase numerous perfumes and deodorants to get rid of the awfully foul-smelling, putrid, rotten odour.

[to be continued]