"Reflections of a werewolf."
"Remus." Sirius beckoned to me. "Hurry up for gods sake. It's almost sunset."
I lifted my head to acknowledge him, but I didn't increase my pace. I was feeling reckless and bored, and I was worried about things other than what changes were about to take place in my body. I reached him and he threw the invisibility cloak over our shoulders.
"What on earth is with you tonight?" Sirius demanded.
"You mean other than the fact I'm about to change into a werewolf?" I asked sarcastically.
Sirius didn't speak for awhile as we hurried towards the shrieking shack. Without Peter there to press the special spot on the Whomping Willow we had to resort to the use of James' invisibility cloak.
"Actually I was thinking about what was up with you in general?" Sirius finally said. "I don't know what's bothering you Remus, but you've been acting pretty strange all this school year. In fact you've barely spoken to me let alone looked at me."
I couldn't look at him then, that was for sure. "Don't know what you mean." I said casually.
"Right." Sirius replied, his tone indicating he didn't believe a word.
"Just leave it Sirius. It doesn't matter." I said, and my voice was deeper than usual. It was almost time for the change.
We hurried through the door of the shack and threw the cloak off ourselves. "Fine, but don't think this is the end of it Remus." Sirius warned me. "We're meant to be friends and friends help each other out with their problems."
I walked through the shack, feeling my skin begin to change, feeling the strange pain I got inside me when I changed. Unlike the public perception changing into a werewolf isn't all that painful, but it's not comfortable.
There was a noise behind me and Sirius, aka Padfoot padded into the room, looking at me curiously. The final bit of light went out of the sky, and I was a werewolf.
"Good morning." Sirius said, and he stretched.
I glanced around, and then looked down. I was lying curled up against Sirius comfortably and my eyes flew straight to his eyes. He smiled at me, and I leant back against the wall.
"What happened?" I asked. One of the most annoying things about being a werewolf was that I didn't always remember things.
"Nothing." Sirius said shrugging. "You were a bit edgy, but I didn't have a problem controlling you."
It felt so comfortable lying there in the sun next to Sirius, but I knew I had to say something. I couldn't keep going on like this, it was killing me.
I sat bolt upright in bed. I wasn't in the shack with Sirius lying next to me, I was lying alone in the London apartment and Sirius was dead. I felt tears pricking at my eyes but I blinked them back angrily. I wasn't going to cry. I hadn't cried since Sirius had died and I wasn't going to start now. Part of me knew that once I began I wouldn't be able to stop.
I jumped out of bed and went and made myself a strong coffee to wake me up. Moments like this were the hardest, when I'd been jerked back to reality, and knew that Sirius wasn't going to come up behind me and put his strong arms around me. Without Sirius I knew I was nothing, he was the strong one, not me. What help was I really going to be to the order like this? For that matter how could I even begin to help Harry? I swore, and slammed my coffee cup down on the bench so hard it shattered.
Before I could begin to clean it there was the tapping noise of an owl at the window and I went over and opened it. A small owl flew in and started crashing into walls and doors. I grabbed it before it could do any more damage. Once in my hand it settled down straight away and held out it's leg where a letter was tied. I took the letter off and the moment I did the owl turned and flew out the window again.
I shrugged as I took the letter over to the couch to read. Obviously there was no reply needed. "Remus, we need you here at the order right now. Harry's fallen sick with a fever. Molly." I stared at the letter for a moment and then crumpled it up and threw it into the fireplace. Harry needed me? Harry needed Sirius, that was who he needed and he couldn't have him ever again, and it was all my fault.
I thought about the last conversation Sirius and I had had about Harry:
"I'm worried about him Remus." Sirius said, and he paced up and down the room. "He's acting reckless, acting like James could be."
I looked up from the Daily Prophet, which again had not printed anything about Voldemort's return. "Isn't that what you wanted?" I asked him.
"Not if it meant he was going to get into trouble." Sirius replied. "You know I always thought James and Lily would have been better off making you his godfather. You're the responsible one."
I sighed and folded the paper. "Relax Sirius. Harry's fine. If he wanted something he'd use the mirror you gave him."
Sirius sighed too, and sank down onto the seat near me. "I suppose your right." He admitted.
"I know I'm right. Harry's a smart kid Sirius." I assured him.
"I hate being cooped up here though." Sirius said angrily, getting up and beginning to pace again. "It's not fair."
"We've been through this before." I said patiently. "You can't go out. And you're only getting like this because Severus was goading you about it."
Sirius sighed and ran a hand through his hair which was in desperate need of a cut.
"Come here and stop worrying about it." I said. "Dumbledore's there looking after him. And he's having lessons with Severus. Nothing is going to happen to him."
Sirius nodded slowly and came over to sit with me on the couch.
I grabbed my wand and pointed it at the crumpled letter lying in the fireplace. A moment later it burst into flames. "I can't go." I said out loud. "I'm no bloody use now."
