"I don't want to do this." Buffy said.
"I know baby. That's why Giles is here." Angel said.
"I don't know if I can keep it all in."
"You can breakdown after the funeral."
"How can she be gone? I don't understand. All those years I spent dealing with death and then it finally hits home with my mother's.. I don't get and I don't want it."
"No one WANTS death Buffy. It just comes. No warning."
"Come on, we better get back out there and help."
"I'll finish the dishes."
"No. We can do them later. I need you in there with me. Please?"
"Ok. Don't worry. It's ok. Breakdown later. Remember?"
Buffy smiled a small smile and walked back into the dining room where Giles, Willow, Xander, and Dawn were all gathered. Buffy and Angel sat at the head of the table by Giles. He was going over paperwork and reviewing Joyce's funeral arrangements. Buffy felt stressed and exhausted, but she was glad for the work at hand. In fact, everyone with the exception of Dawn had retreated into efficient busyness as their predominant coping skill. This included Xander and Willow, who sat with Dawn at the other end of the table, eating a casserole dish. Or, to be more exact, Willow and Xander were eating. Dawn was hovering, too agitated to sit down.
"I checked prices with a few different florists. The funeral home is competitive." Giles said.
"Let's just go with them, then. It's simpler." Buffy said.
"What color flowers?" Dawn asked.
"White. They're nice."
"What about an announcement?" Angel asked.
"Right. People are going to be expecting a wake after the burial if we don't say something."
"We could put a line in the program. Expressing your mother's preference not to have one." Giles said.
"There's no wake?" Willow asked.
"Mom didn't like them. She said pot lucks are depressing enough as it is." Buffy said.
"She said that? When?" Dawn asked.
"Right before she went in for her operation. We had a talk about what she wanted. In case.."
"She never said anything to me."
"I'm sure she just didn't want to upset you, Dawnster." Xander said. "Now you better get working on that dinner. You've barely touched it."
"I'm not feeling very casserole-y."
"That's a shame. Cause you've got about 9000 of them in the kitchen. You could open your very own Casserole Hut."
"Mrs. Kaplan brought some enchiladas over." Willow said. "Or there's chicken stuff. I saw chicken stuff."
"That's okay. I'm not really hungry."
"Shouldn't stop you. Eating can provide pleasant numbness." Xander said.
"You should eat, Dawn." Buffy said.
"Why should I? You're not." Dawn said.
"This isn't about.." Buffy was cut off by the phone ringing. She sighed and turned to Giles. "I'm phoned out. Can you? I mean, unless it's Dad."
"Of course." Giles stood and went to get the phone. "Hello? Yes.. They did. Thank you.. The service is tomorrow at three. Do you know the Brown Brothers Mortuary?" Giles walked into the living room.
"I can't believe he hasn't called yet."
"Your Dad's still AWOL, huh?" Xander asked.
"The number he left for us in Spain is no good. And I've left messages all over the place."
"We should try his Lindsey's dad's place." Dawn said.
"I don't have that number. I told you."
"But we could ask one of his friends at work or something."
"Dawn. I tried that. Okay?" Buffy turned to Angel. "What do you think? Just a line that says 'following the burial, there will be no wake'.. or gathering? 'There
will be no gathering at the request of Joyce?' That's lame!"
Angel started to answer, but Dawn cut him off. "What are we going to do after? I mean, we're not just coming back here are we?"
"I guess. I don't know." Buffy looked back at Angel. "How about 'At the request of the family, there will be no wake following the burial?'"
"That works." Angel said.
Xander came over. "It has flow."
"Where do I put it? On top, here? Or on the bottom?" Buffy asked.
"I'd put it on the bottom. You don't want to flaunt it." Angel said.
"Yeah. But, don't people usually skip reading the program thing?"
"I don't.. I wouldn't know."
"Oh. Uh.. Yeah. Sorry."
"It's ok."
"Can I?" Dawn asked.
"Hmm?" Buffy asked.
"Can I go to Willow's tomorrow after the service?"
"If you want. I guess so.."
"I'll get my sleeping bag out of the attic." Dawn started to leave, but she stopped in the foyer when she saw a bunch of mail on the floor near the mail slot. She picked it up, and read it, a stricken look coming over her. Willow noticed.
"Dawn?" Willow asked.
Buffy moved to her, as does Giles who came from the living room, off the phone now. There was a pained beat in which all the activity and avoidance was halted. It was a gut punch, for Dawn most of all. But Buffy just regrouped and forged ahead.
"Do we call the post office about this? Maybe we need to fill out a form or something." Buffy said, moving back to the table with Angel.
"I'll call tomorrow. First thing." Giles said.
"I haven't even started to think about the bills and everything.."
"Buffy, don't worry about that. I can handle it." Angel said.
"I'm sorry, I'm just used to not having that whole money-not-an-issue thing."
"It's ok."
"Well, we better get going." Willow said. "We've done everything there is to do here."
"Yeah. Ok." Buffy said.
They all shared hugs and Xander and Willow headed out the door. Giles stood to grab his coat, but the phone rang again and he went to get it. Buffy and Angel remained at the table looking over forms. The funeral was the next day and Buffy wasn't sure she was ready. A while later, they were saying bye to Giles and heading up to bed.
"I don't know if I can do it. It's too soon." Buffy said, laying in Angel's arms.
"You can. I'll be there by your side the whole time. You will never be alone Buffy." Angel said.
"Lately I feel so lost. It was all unexpected."
"It always is. Even if it has time to sink in, it's always sudden."
"Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and find this whole week has been one giant nightmare and Mom will come walking down the stairs ready to fix breakfast."
"I wish."
"What about the mansion?"
"I don't need it. We can sell it."
"No."
"No?"
"Keep it. Just in case we need a getaway place."
"Ok."
"Unless you really want to sell it. I don't care."
"No. You want it. It'll be ok. I like this house much more anyway. The mansion feels so big and empty."
"Just like how I feel."
Angel looked down at her and kissed the top of her head. She nestled closer and drifted off to sleep.
The car bounced along behind the hearse. Buffy watched Sunnydale drift along as if she were seeing it all for the first time. Dawn sat in the backseat and Angel drove. They arrived and followed the procession to the gravesite. Buffy, Angel, and Dawn stood exactly next to the grave. Around them, their friends stood watching. Some people were friends of Joyce that none of them knew. They were people from Joyce's other life: friends and gallery patrons. Buffy had her arm around Dawn, offering what comfort she could while Angel held her hand tightly. A minister spoke, but his words sounded distant to Buffy.
"We commend to almighty God our sister Joyce Summers.."
Buffy held in her tears, staring at the coffin as it began its descent into the ground.
"And we commit her body to the ground.."
Dawn was weeping now. The rest of the gang was gathered around them, grieving for Buffy and Dawn, but also for themselves. A man dug into a pile of dirt with a sharp, gravelly crunch and then cast the first pile of dirt into the casket.
"Earth to earth."
Dawn started as the dirt hit the top of the coffin. She turned away into Buffy's side unable to handle it.
"Ashes to ashes."
Buffy stared ahead of her and watched with eyes that were willed dry. Angel moved his arm around her waist and Buffy didn't respond to any of it.
"Dust to dust. The Lord bless her and keep her, the Lord makes his face to shine upon her and be gracious to her, the Lord lift up his countenance upon her and give her peace. Amen."
The service ended and Giles, Xander, Willow, Anya, Tara, and Gunn made their way to Buffy, Angel, and Dawn.. the first to hug them and speak unheard kindnesses before they moved off. Many other people came to them and touched them, talk to them. But they didn't really hear much. They were each lost in a sea of unfamiliar faces and hands. Dawn nodded absently to a man who was talking at her. She was watching a workman continue to fill Joyce's grave. A woman Buffy had never met before cried and gave Buffy her rosary. Another woman with a young toddler, who clung to her hip, talked kindly to Angel. Angel, expressionless, put her hand out to the baby, who wrapped her tiny fingers around Angel's larger ones. Other than the Scoobies and Gunn, most of the people were gone now. The Scoobies and Gunn began to make their way toward their parked cars.
Tara approached Buffy and Angel. "Hey. Dawn is kind of ready to go. Is it okay if we take her?"
Buffy glanced at Dawn, who was standing nearby with Willow. Willow was talking gently to her, an arm around her. Dawn's gaze was downcast, not looking at anybody. "Yeah. She should probably get out of here."
"What about you guys? We can wait, if you want."
"We're okay. Thanks." Angel answered.
Everyone drifted off and Angel stood with Buffy. She stood there, silent the whole time. She held her tears in, not wanting to show how badly she hurt inside. They stood there, staring at the men working to fill Joyce's grave in. Eventually, sometime after dark, Buffy walked over to a tree and dropped down. Angel moved over to her and sat next to her. She settled into his chest and sighed.
"Are you ok?" Angel asked quietly.
"I don't know. The funeral.. It was brutal. But what I'm really worried about is tomorrow." Buffy answered.
"What's tomorrow?"
"That's what I don't know. Up till now we've had a road map: things to do, every minute, that had to do with mom.."
"And tomorrow the stuff of everyday living resumes."
"Which everybody expects me to know how to do because I'm so strong."
"I don't expect you to."
"I know you don't. It's everyone else."
"Not right away. I'm sure everybody understands that you need time."
"Time's not the issue. I'm good at sticking wood in vampires, but Mom was the strong one in real life. She always knew how to make things better, what to say.."
"You'll find your way. Not all at once, but. I'll be here to help you."
"I don't know.. I keep thinking about it, Angel. When we found her. If we'd gotten there ten minutes earlier.."
"They told you it wouldn't have made a difference."
"No. Probably wouldn't have made a difference. The exact thing they said was probably."
"That doesn't make it your fault. You couldn't have done anything different."
"You saw me! I didn't even start CPR until they told me to. I fell apart. That's how good I am at being a grown up."
"Buffy.."
"It'd be ok if it was just me and you I had me to worry about.. But Dawn."
"It's okay. I know, you don't feel like it now, but you are strong, Buffy. You're going to figure it out. And you have people to help you. You have ME to help you. You don't have to do it alone."
Buffy sat up and looked at him. Raw and vulnerable, Buffy wanted to believe that with a kiss, he could make it all better. She leaned forward and kissed him. He responded gently meaning to comfort, but the intensity built quickly, the desire bubbling just under the surface. Buffy would like nothing better to forget herself with him and he felt it powerfully. They broke away from each other, breathing hard.
"Buffy.."
"I know, now's not the time."
"That's not what I was going to say."
"Oh."
"Buffy, I love you."
"I love you."
"I'll always be here for you. You know that, right?"
"Forever: that's the whole point."
"Forever." Angel kissed her deeply again before she settled back to rest on his chest. He closed his arms even tighter around her. They were both comforted by the powerful bond between them.
Buffy had slept most of the day at Angel's insistence. He had been sleeping right along with her actually. Neither of them had slept much in the past week because of Joyce's death. All the planning and grieving and then the holding it all in hadn't helped them either. Now she and Angel were walking into the house from a long patrol. More like a long walk because nothing had been out there. As Angel opened the door, Buffy heard the phone ringing and she ran to get it.
"Hello? Hey Tara. Yeah, I just got in.." Buffy was cut off by Tara telling her about a book that Dawn had stolen. "Oh God. Thank you." She hung up and burst up the stairs and into her mother's room. Angel followed her. They found Dawn sitting cross-legged on the floor and watching the spell explode. "Dawn!" Buffy stopped, stunned. She saw Joyce's photograph in the spell circle and she knew exactly what dawn had done. Buffy picked up the photo, appalled. "What have you done?" Dawn stood, too disoriented from the spell to answer.
"Dawn, what have you done?" Angel asked.
Dawn's eyes were wide with fear and excitement. "She's coming. She's coming home." Dawn bolted down the stairs, heading for the door, but Angel and Buffy, who still held Joyce's picture, was right on her heels. She grabbed Dawn before she could reach the door and they moved into the living room as they fought.
"You have no idea what you're messing with! Who knows what you actually raised what's going to come through that door." Buffy said.
"I know. It'll be her." Dawn said.
"No. Tara told me these spells go bad all the time. People come back wrong."
"She won't. He told me. Her DNA.."
Buffy shook Dawn hard and the photo of Joyce slipped from her grasp and fell to the floor. "Who told you? Who helped you?!"
"Nobody! Now let me go."
"Dawn, you have to stop it, reverse it." Angel said.
"No!"
"Dawn. You know this is wrong. You know you can't let this happen. Not to Mom." Buffy said frantically.
"But I need her. I don't care if she's.. I'm not like you, Buffy, I don't have anybody."
"What? Of course you do. You have me. You have Angel!"
"I don't! You both won't even look at me! It's so obvious you don't want me around."
"That's.. that's not true."
"It is! And the way you've been acting! Mom died and it's like you don't even care!"
"God, of course I care. Of course I do. How can you think that?"
"How can I not? You haven't even cried! You've just been running around like it's all been some big chore. Cleaning up after mom's mess."
Buffy lost it. She silenced Dawn with a slap. Not hard enough to really hurt her, but hard enough to shock and scare the hell out of both of them. Buffy's hand flew to her mouth. Angel stepped in a little further and stood next to Buffy. They were all shaking with emotion now and as Buffy continued, she started to unravel. All the careful control came undone and she grasped Angel's hand tightly. Her true anguish emerged and tears started to come at last as they continued arguing.
"I've been working.. I've been busy, because I have to be.." Buffy said through the lump in her throat.
"You don't. You're avoiding me."
"I'm not. I have to do these things, cause.. cause when I stop, then she's really gone." Buffy let out a loud sob and fell into Angel's arms. He held her for a moment as she composed herself and turned back to Dawn. "And I'm trying. Dawn, I am, I am really trying to take care of things, but I don't even know what I'm doing. Mom always knew.."
"Nobody's asking you to be Mom."
"Well, who's going to be if I'm not? Huh, Dawn? Have you thought about that? Who's going to make things better? Who's going to take care of us?" Buffy was weeping openly now, almost desperately.
Dawn watched, helpless and scared as Buffy devolved, becoming smaller and more childlike in Angel's arms. "Buffy.."
"I didn't mean to push you away, I didn't. I just, I couldn't let you see me." Dawn started to cry along with Buffy. "Oh god, Dawnie.. I don't know what we're gonna do. I'm scared."
"Buffy.."
The sound of someone knocking on the front door stopped Dawn from going on. Buffy whirled around, no longer crying. "Mommy?"
"Buffy." Dawn said alarmed.
"Mom!" Buffy ran to the door, yanking herself from Angel's arms.
"Dawn, stop this spell NOW!" Angel said. Dawn picked up the photo as Angel went to stop Buffy. She stared at it a second and then ripped it in half.
Buffy ripped open the door. There was nothing there. Just a darkened city street and the house across the street. Buffy stared out sadly as Angel walked up behind her, tears in his eyes. She turned and looked at him. "Angel.." He pulled her to him tight and she collapsed to the floor, Angel going with her. She clung to him tightly as she sobbed. Angel started to cry with her and Dawn walked up and wrapped her arms around both of them.
"It's okay." Dawn murmured between her sobs.
Buffy reached out and pulled Dawn in between her and Angel and they sat there sobbing in front of the open doorway, holding to each other tightly as if all their lives depended on never letting go.
"I know baby. That's why Giles is here." Angel said.
"I don't know if I can keep it all in."
"You can breakdown after the funeral."
"How can she be gone? I don't understand. All those years I spent dealing with death and then it finally hits home with my mother's.. I don't get and I don't want it."
"No one WANTS death Buffy. It just comes. No warning."
"Come on, we better get back out there and help."
"I'll finish the dishes."
"No. We can do them later. I need you in there with me. Please?"
"Ok. Don't worry. It's ok. Breakdown later. Remember?"
Buffy smiled a small smile and walked back into the dining room where Giles, Willow, Xander, and Dawn were all gathered. Buffy and Angel sat at the head of the table by Giles. He was going over paperwork and reviewing Joyce's funeral arrangements. Buffy felt stressed and exhausted, but she was glad for the work at hand. In fact, everyone with the exception of Dawn had retreated into efficient busyness as their predominant coping skill. This included Xander and Willow, who sat with Dawn at the other end of the table, eating a casserole dish. Or, to be more exact, Willow and Xander were eating. Dawn was hovering, too agitated to sit down.
"I checked prices with a few different florists. The funeral home is competitive." Giles said.
"Let's just go with them, then. It's simpler." Buffy said.
"What color flowers?" Dawn asked.
"White. They're nice."
"What about an announcement?" Angel asked.
"Right. People are going to be expecting a wake after the burial if we don't say something."
"We could put a line in the program. Expressing your mother's preference not to have one." Giles said.
"There's no wake?" Willow asked.
"Mom didn't like them. She said pot lucks are depressing enough as it is." Buffy said.
"She said that? When?" Dawn asked.
"Right before she went in for her operation. We had a talk about what she wanted. In case.."
"She never said anything to me."
"I'm sure she just didn't want to upset you, Dawnster." Xander said. "Now you better get working on that dinner. You've barely touched it."
"I'm not feeling very casserole-y."
"That's a shame. Cause you've got about 9000 of them in the kitchen. You could open your very own Casserole Hut."
"Mrs. Kaplan brought some enchiladas over." Willow said. "Or there's chicken stuff. I saw chicken stuff."
"That's okay. I'm not really hungry."
"Shouldn't stop you. Eating can provide pleasant numbness." Xander said.
"You should eat, Dawn." Buffy said.
"Why should I? You're not." Dawn said.
"This isn't about.." Buffy was cut off by the phone ringing. She sighed and turned to Giles. "I'm phoned out. Can you? I mean, unless it's Dad."
"Of course." Giles stood and went to get the phone. "Hello? Yes.. They did. Thank you.. The service is tomorrow at three. Do you know the Brown Brothers Mortuary?" Giles walked into the living room.
"I can't believe he hasn't called yet."
"Your Dad's still AWOL, huh?" Xander asked.
"The number he left for us in Spain is no good. And I've left messages all over the place."
"We should try his Lindsey's dad's place." Dawn said.
"I don't have that number. I told you."
"But we could ask one of his friends at work or something."
"Dawn. I tried that. Okay?" Buffy turned to Angel. "What do you think? Just a line that says 'following the burial, there will be no wake'.. or gathering? 'There
will be no gathering at the request of Joyce?' That's lame!"
Angel started to answer, but Dawn cut him off. "What are we going to do after? I mean, we're not just coming back here are we?"
"I guess. I don't know." Buffy looked back at Angel. "How about 'At the request of the family, there will be no wake following the burial?'"
"That works." Angel said.
Xander came over. "It has flow."
"Where do I put it? On top, here? Or on the bottom?" Buffy asked.
"I'd put it on the bottom. You don't want to flaunt it." Angel said.
"Yeah. But, don't people usually skip reading the program thing?"
"I don't.. I wouldn't know."
"Oh. Uh.. Yeah. Sorry."
"It's ok."
"Can I?" Dawn asked.
"Hmm?" Buffy asked.
"Can I go to Willow's tomorrow after the service?"
"If you want. I guess so.."
"I'll get my sleeping bag out of the attic." Dawn started to leave, but she stopped in the foyer when she saw a bunch of mail on the floor near the mail slot. She picked it up, and read it, a stricken look coming over her. Willow noticed.
"Dawn?" Willow asked.
Buffy moved to her, as does Giles who came from the living room, off the phone now. There was a pained beat in which all the activity and avoidance was halted. It was a gut punch, for Dawn most of all. But Buffy just regrouped and forged ahead.
"Do we call the post office about this? Maybe we need to fill out a form or something." Buffy said, moving back to the table with Angel.
"I'll call tomorrow. First thing." Giles said.
"I haven't even started to think about the bills and everything.."
"Buffy, don't worry about that. I can handle it." Angel said.
"I'm sorry, I'm just used to not having that whole money-not-an-issue thing."
"It's ok."
"Well, we better get going." Willow said. "We've done everything there is to do here."
"Yeah. Ok." Buffy said.
They all shared hugs and Xander and Willow headed out the door. Giles stood to grab his coat, but the phone rang again and he went to get it. Buffy and Angel remained at the table looking over forms. The funeral was the next day and Buffy wasn't sure she was ready. A while later, they were saying bye to Giles and heading up to bed.
"I don't know if I can do it. It's too soon." Buffy said, laying in Angel's arms.
"You can. I'll be there by your side the whole time. You will never be alone Buffy." Angel said.
"Lately I feel so lost. It was all unexpected."
"It always is. Even if it has time to sink in, it's always sudden."
"Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and find this whole week has been one giant nightmare and Mom will come walking down the stairs ready to fix breakfast."
"I wish."
"What about the mansion?"
"I don't need it. We can sell it."
"No."
"No?"
"Keep it. Just in case we need a getaway place."
"Ok."
"Unless you really want to sell it. I don't care."
"No. You want it. It'll be ok. I like this house much more anyway. The mansion feels so big and empty."
"Just like how I feel."
Angel looked down at her and kissed the top of her head. She nestled closer and drifted off to sleep.
The car bounced along behind the hearse. Buffy watched Sunnydale drift along as if she were seeing it all for the first time. Dawn sat in the backseat and Angel drove. They arrived and followed the procession to the gravesite. Buffy, Angel, and Dawn stood exactly next to the grave. Around them, their friends stood watching. Some people were friends of Joyce that none of them knew. They were people from Joyce's other life: friends and gallery patrons. Buffy had her arm around Dawn, offering what comfort she could while Angel held her hand tightly. A minister spoke, but his words sounded distant to Buffy.
"We commend to almighty God our sister Joyce Summers.."
Buffy held in her tears, staring at the coffin as it began its descent into the ground.
"And we commit her body to the ground.."
Dawn was weeping now. The rest of the gang was gathered around them, grieving for Buffy and Dawn, but also for themselves. A man dug into a pile of dirt with a sharp, gravelly crunch and then cast the first pile of dirt into the casket.
"Earth to earth."
Dawn started as the dirt hit the top of the coffin. She turned away into Buffy's side unable to handle it.
"Ashes to ashes."
Buffy stared ahead of her and watched with eyes that were willed dry. Angel moved his arm around her waist and Buffy didn't respond to any of it.
"Dust to dust. The Lord bless her and keep her, the Lord makes his face to shine upon her and be gracious to her, the Lord lift up his countenance upon her and give her peace. Amen."
The service ended and Giles, Xander, Willow, Anya, Tara, and Gunn made their way to Buffy, Angel, and Dawn.. the first to hug them and speak unheard kindnesses before they moved off. Many other people came to them and touched them, talk to them. But they didn't really hear much. They were each lost in a sea of unfamiliar faces and hands. Dawn nodded absently to a man who was talking at her. She was watching a workman continue to fill Joyce's grave. A woman Buffy had never met before cried and gave Buffy her rosary. Another woman with a young toddler, who clung to her hip, talked kindly to Angel. Angel, expressionless, put her hand out to the baby, who wrapped her tiny fingers around Angel's larger ones. Other than the Scoobies and Gunn, most of the people were gone now. The Scoobies and Gunn began to make their way toward their parked cars.
Tara approached Buffy and Angel. "Hey. Dawn is kind of ready to go. Is it okay if we take her?"
Buffy glanced at Dawn, who was standing nearby with Willow. Willow was talking gently to her, an arm around her. Dawn's gaze was downcast, not looking at anybody. "Yeah. She should probably get out of here."
"What about you guys? We can wait, if you want."
"We're okay. Thanks." Angel answered.
Everyone drifted off and Angel stood with Buffy. She stood there, silent the whole time. She held her tears in, not wanting to show how badly she hurt inside. They stood there, staring at the men working to fill Joyce's grave in. Eventually, sometime after dark, Buffy walked over to a tree and dropped down. Angel moved over to her and sat next to her. She settled into his chest and sighed.
"Are you ok?" Angel asked quietly.
"I don't know. The funeral.. It was brutal. But what I'm really worried about is tomorrow." Buffy answered.
"What's tomorrow?"
"That's what I don't know. Up till now we've had a road map: things to do, every minute, that had to do with mom.."
"And tomorrow the stuff of everyday living resumes."
"Which everybody expects me to know how to do because I'm so strong."
"I don't expect you to."
"I know you don't. It's everyone else."
"Not right away. I'm sure everybody understands that you need time."
"Time's not the issue. I'm good at sticking wood in vampires, but Mom was the strong one in real life. She always knew how to make things better, what to say.."
"You'll find your way. Not all at once, but. I'll be here to help you."
"I don't know.. I keep thinking about it, Angel. When we found her. If we'd gotten there ten minutes earlier.."
"They told you it wouldn't have made a difference."
"No. Probably wouldn't have made a difference. The exact thing they said was probably."
"That doesn't make it your fault. You couldn't have done anything different."
"You saw me! I didn't even start CPR until they told me to. I fell apart. That's how good I am at being a grown up."
"Buffy.."
"It'd be ok if it was just me and you I had me to worry about.. But Dawn."
"It's okay. I know, you don't feel like it now, but you are strong, Buffy. You're going to figure it out. And you have people to help you. You have ME to help you. You don't have to do it alone."
Buffy sat up and looked at him. Raw and vulnerable, Buffy wanted to believe that with a kiss, he could make it all better. She leaned forward and kissed him. He responded gently meaning to comfort, but the intensity built quickly, the desire bubbling just under the surface. Buffy would like nothing better to forget herself with him and he felt it powerfully. They broke away from each other, breathing hard.
"Buffy.."
"I know, now's not the time."
"That's not what I was going to say."
"Oh."
"Buffy, I love you."
"I love you."
"I'll always be here for you. You know that, right?"
"Forever: that's the whole point."
"Forever." Angel kissed her deeply again before she settled back to rest on his chest. He closed his arms even tighter around her. They were both comforted by the powerful bond between them.
Buffy had slept most of the day at Angel's insistence. He had been sleeping right along with her actually. Neither of them had slept much in the past week because of Joyce's death. All the planning and grieving and then the holding it all in hadn't helped them either. Now she and Angel were walking into the house from a long patrol. More like a long walk because nothing had been out there. As Angel opened the door, Buffy heard the phone ringing and she ran to get it.
"Hello? Hey Tara. Yeah, I just got in.." Buffy was cut off by Tara telling her about a book that Dawn had stolen. "Oh God. Thank you." She hung up and burst up the stairs and into her mother's room. Angel followed her. They found Dawn sitting cross-legged on the floor and watching the spell explode. "Dawn!" Buffy stopped, stunned. She saw Joyce's photograph in the spell circle and she knew exactly what dawn had done. Buffy picked up the photo, appalled. "What have you done?" Dawn stood, too disoriented from the spell to answer.
"Dawn, what have you done?" Angel asked.
Dawn's eyes were wide with fear and excitement. "She's coming. She's coming home." Dawn bolted down the stairs, heading for the door, but Angel and Buffy, who still held Joyce's picture, was right on her heels. She grabbed Dawn before she could reach the door and they moved into the living room as they fought.
"You have no idea what you're messing with! Who knows what you actually raised what's going to come through that door." Buffy said.
"I know. It'll be her." Dawn said.
"No. Tara told me these spells go bad all the time. People come back wrong."
"She won't. He told me. Her DNA.."
Buffy shook Dawn hard and the photo of Joyce slipped from her grasp and fell to the floor. "Who told you? Who helped you?!"
"Nobody! Now let me go."
"Dawn, you have to stop it, reverse it." Angel said.
"No!"
"Dawn. You know this is wrong. You know you can't let this happen. Not to Mom." Buffy said frantically.
"But I need her. I don't care if she's.. I'm not like you, Buffy, I don't have anybody."
"What? Of course you do. You have me. You have Angel!"
"I don't! You both won't even look at me! It's so obvious you don't want me around."
"That's.. that's not true."
"It is! And the way you've been acting! Mom died and it's like you don't even care!"
"God, of course I care. Of course I do. How can you think that?"
"How can I not? You haven't even cried! You've just been running around like it's all been some big chore. Cleaning up after mom's mess."
Buffy lost it. She silenced Dawn with a slap. Not hard enough to really hurt her, but hard enough to shock and scare the hell out of both of them. Buffy's hand flew to her mouth. Angel stepped in a little further and stood next to Buffy. They were all shaking with emotion now and as Buffy continued, she started to unravel. All the careful control came undone and she grasped Angel's hand tightly. Her true anguish emerged and tears started to come at last as they continued arguing.
"I've been working.. I've been busy, because I have to be.." Buffy said through the lump in her throat.
"You don't. You're avoiding me."
"I'm not. I have to do these things, cause.. cause when I stop, then she's really gone." Buffy let out a loud sob and fell into Angel's arms. He held her for a moment as she composed herself and turned back to Dawn. "And I'm trying. Dawn, I am, I am really trying to take care of things, but I don't even know what I'm doing. Mom always knew.."
"Nobody's asking you to be Mom."
"Well, who's going to be if I'm not? Huh, Dawn? Have you thought about that? Who's going to make things better? Who's going to take care of us?" Buffy was weeping openly now, almost desperately.
Dawn watched, helpless and scared as Buffy devolved, becoming smaller and more childlike in Angel's arms. "Buffy.."
"I didn't mean to push you away, I didn't. I just, I couldn't let you see me." Dawn started to cry along with Buffy. "Oh god, Dawnie.. I don't know what we're gonna do. I'm scared."
"Buffy.."
The sound of someone knocking on the front door stopped Dawn from going on. Buffy whirled around, no longer crying. "Mommy?"
"Buffy." Dawn said alarmed.
"Mom!" Buffy ran to the door, yanking herself from Angel's arms.
"Dawn, stop this spell NOW!" Angel said. Dawn picked up the photo as Angel went to stop Buffy. She stared at it a second and then ripped it in half.
Buffy ripped open the door. There was nothing there. Just a darkened city street and the house across the street. Buffy stared out sadly as Angel walked up behind her, tears in his eyes. She turned and looked at him. "Angel.." He pulled her to him tight and she collapsed to the floor, Angel going with her. She clung to him tightly as she sobbed. Angel started to cry with her and Dawn walked up and wrapped her arms around both of them.
"It's okay." Dawn murmured between her sobs.
Buffy reached out and pulled Dawn in between her and Angel and they sat there sobbing in front of the open doorway, holding to each other tightly as if all their lives depended on never letting go.
