Standard Disclaimers still apply: Not mine, no money, and no offense meant.

~Thank you too all who reviewed, I am most grateful.~

**************************

It is the middle of the night when my transport plane finally lands. I can't believe Admiral Chegwidden actually ordered me to come to Germany and escort Mac home. He probably knew I would come here no matter what and took pity on my career. Then again, I know that he was just as worried as I was about her. Well maybe not quite as worried, he doesn't love her like I do. 'Why did this have to happen to her?'

Sarah and I may never have gotten romantically involved, but I love her more than anyone and anything else in this world. I would do anything for her, I hope she knows that. I will make sure she knows that, I will make sure she knows a lot of things from now on.

I disembark the transport plane and am directed to a waiting Lieutenant who takes my sea bag from me. We go to a jeep and he turns to me saying "I will take you to your quarters, sir."

"Like hell you will, Lieutenant! Drop me off at the hospital, I will find a way back to my quarters after I have seen Ma- Colonel Mackenzie." This kid looks at me as if to argue and I give him my best 'I DARE you to say one more word' look. He gulps and throws the jeep into gear.

As we drive the memories come flooding back from the last time I was here.

I was the one in the hospital bed then, after my ramp strike. The pain of my body couldn't match the pain in my soul. I had killed my RIO. That thought keep running through my head; I was responsible for the death of a fellow aviator, and friend. 'Why couldn't I have died, why did I live' It could have easily been me dead and my RIO alive in the hospital bed. That would have been right, my RIO wasn't the one who flew the plane into the deck, I was. Then came the news that I had night blindness, as much as that hurt, some how I felt that I deserved it. It was my punishment, my penance if you will, for killing a friend. 'Why?' That was what I kept asking myself at the time.

I sigh, shaking my head to clear out the memories, as the hospital comes into view. The gray white building with its dark tinted windows is lit up, I guess to make it look more inviting; I find it only makes it look more sterile and cold. Mac is in that building. I will finally be able to see her, to touch her, to let myself truly believe she is alive and okay. I feel my adrenaline start to kick in, giving me an energy that 18 hours of travel has taken from me. I take a deep breath, set my shoulders and prepare to look as positive and confident as I can. I have to be there for Mac, and if she senses I am worried she will worry about me.

The jeep comes to a stop, as I am about to get out, the driver, grabs my arm. "Sir, there are no visiting hours at this time of night. They aren't going to let you in, should I wait for you here?" I laugh at him aloud, I can't help it.

"Obviously you have never tried to talk me out of something I am determined to do. I thank you for the warning, but I assure you they WILL let me see her, and that you do not need to wait for me. That is all, Lieutenant, you are dismissed." I grab my sea bag and start for the front entrance. I hear the Lieutenant mutter under his breath and then put the jeep in gear.

Upon entering the building I approach the front desk where a short blonde Petty Officer sits flipping through a magazine. I stand in front of her for a few seconds waiting for her to look up. When she makes no move to do anything but continue to flip pages, I bark at her in my best DI voice. "Are you here to look pretty or do your duty Petty Officer?"

She jumps three inches off her chair before coming to attention in front of me. "I'm sorry, sir. I was a fault, sir! It won't happen again sir!"

Even though I am annoyed at this delay, I have to fight a smile. The performance I just gave would have made even Mac proud. "At ease Petty Officer, now," I set my cover down on the counter and look her in the eyes, "What room is Colonel Sarah Mackenzie in?"

"One moment, Commander." She types something into the computer and frowns, "I am sorry sir, but she is in a Restricted Wing. Only those on the Register List are allowed to have access. Your name please, so that I can verify that you are on that list." She looks up at my expectantly.

"Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr. I am the Colonel's partner at JAG HQ." I wait as she again types away at her computer.

"I am sorry, Commander but you don't seem to be on the list. You'll have to come back in the morning and go through Security, for a check."

"The hell I will!" I force myself to stop and take a cleansing breath. "Petty Officer, I am Colonel Mackenzie's partner, I have been ordered by the Judge Advocate General HIMSELF to come here and escort the Colonel back to Washington D.C."

"Be that as it may, Commander, you are not on the list, so you are not going to get in to see her tonight. With all due respect, sir, you were the one who just brought up the fact that I am here to do my duty, and that is what I am doing. No one gets into the Restricted Wing, without clearance."

"It's okay Petty Officer, he's clear." A loud voice barked behind me. I turn and come face to face with the person responsible for Mac being here in the first place.

"Webb."

"I'm sorry sir, but on whose authority is the Commander cleared?" The Petty Officer looked at Webb with suspicion.

"On mine!" Webb got out his ID and handed it to the leery PO. "Clayton Webb, CIA. I am in charge of maintaining the list into the East Restricted Wing, where Colonel Mackenzie is being treated." Turning to me he tells me, "If I had known you were coming tonight I would have made sure your name was on the list."

"Well isn't that nice of you." I say sarcastically through clenched teeth. I try to force my hands to unclench from the fists they went to, when I first heard Webb's voice behind me.

Webb eyes me warily; he can see the struggle I am having not to beat him to a bloody pulp right now. "Look, Rabb, I know you are angry--"

I can't stop myself. I grab Webb by his pristinely pressed shirt front and slam him up against the wall. "Angry?" I ask him quietly, "Angry? You have no idea what I am feeling right now, Webb. You are why Mac is in this hospital in the first place, YOU! I know that Mac could have declined the mission, but you knew she wouldn't. What the hell happened Clay, how did this happen?!" My voice has been steadily increasing in volume and by the time I end I am shouting at Webb, not two inches in front of his face. To his credit, the man never flinched.

"Rabb, this is not the place to discuss this matter. If you will follow me please, we can talk about this on the way up to see the Colonel. I am assuming that is why you are here, right?"

"You know it is you son-of-a..." Again I force myself to stop and take a cleansing breath. "Look Webb, I will talk with you about just what went wrong with Mac's mission tomorrow. Tonight I just want to see my best friend. Please, take me to see Sarah."

"Fine, but before you see her we need to discuss something about Mac." Clay hesitated unsure of how to say what he had to convey to Harm.

"What is it, Clay, what is wrong. Is something wrong with Mac?" My face clearly conveys the fear and concern that I feel.

"Well in a manner of speaking, yes. Harm, Mac has just gone through the most horrifying ordeal of her life. But she won't talk to anyone, just tells everyone she is fine. When you see her, you will see the bandages from the bullet wounds, the normal array of tubes and wires to monitor her condition."

"Clay, I knew all that, what aren't you telling me?"

"Harm she may not be quite the same woman that you know has your best friend. Psychologically she has gone through hell and she may not have come all the way back yet. Just don't pressure her to talk about anything yet, she will tell you when she is ready. She may try to withdraw from those around her, which is normal in these cases. Let her have space but don't let her be alone. Make sure she knows you are there for her to lean on and talk to, but also let her know that it is on her time table not yours."

While Webb had told him all this they had stopped and now stood in the hallway, near an unmarked door.

I sigh and run my hand through my hair, "Okay, I think I can do that. Is that her room?" I ask and gesture towards the door.

"Yes, and Harm, I truly am sorry."

"I know."

With some trepidation I stand in front of the door my hand on the door knob. I mentally steel myself against the sight I am about to see, I have never been good at seeing Mac in a hospital. I take one last deep breath and slowly open the door a crack.

The first thing that registers is not how she looks, it is the sound of her crying. Not crying, sobbing. The pain I hear in those sobs breaks my heart into a million pieces. Again I wonder 'WHY MAC?' She deserves to be happy, to be safe. What was it she said; she deserves a couple of kids, a good man, and lots of comfortable shoes. I rush over to her bed and sit down on the edge. I desperately want to gather in my arms and hold her, but I hold back because she has her hands over her face and is trying to hide from me. My throat closes as I feel the threat of tears as the grief and frustration comes to the surface. This is not supposed to happen; Mac is not supposed to hurt. Dammit, she has had enough pain in her life, why does she have to go through this! I swallow and open my mouth, I have no idea what to say to make this better. Oh wait, I can't make this better for her, I can only be here to try and help make it easier.

"Mac? Sarah, it's me, Harm." She doesn't move, if anything she holds her hands over her face tighter. I can't take it anymore. I put my arms around her and lift her into my lap, in the same motion I pivot so that I can lean against the head board. There is nothing I can say to make her better, so I say nothing at all and just cradle her while she sobs. I rock her gently, willing her to know I love her, and that I am here, always. I am not surprised when I realize that my cheeks are wet. I don't know when I started crying, but I really don't care. All I care about I am holding in my arms. I look down at Sarah, my Marine, as she slowly stops crying. I gaze at her beautiful face as her hands finally drop, sleep overtaking her. Even with bruises she is stunning. She is asleep; she looks so peaceful in sleep. I know that it is only temporary, that my Sarah has a lot to go through in the coming weeks and months. I also know that I will be there with her, no matter what.

Suddenly a thought pops into my head, this is 'Why'. This is why all those years ago I was the one to survive the ramp strike. My night blindness wasn't a punishment, it was a gift. Without it I never would have gone to law school and become a JAG. I never would have met Sarah Catherine Mackenzie. I never would have understood how love could be. I smile in the dark, settle Mac against my chest, and close my eyes to sleep. She is why.