***********************
Hello and thank you for reading
for the Standards Disclaimers please see chapter one now
to continue reading this story please wait for the beep.......BEEP.
***********************
Damn, my head hurts. I massage the bridge of my nose, trying in vain, to relieve some of the pressure. 'Why did this happen?" Seven people are dead, and three more now have to live with the memories of a hell I am responsible for getting them into.
In all my years in the CIA countless missions have hit snags and gone wrong under my command. That is the nature of this business, but never has it been like this. Before now the people who have died or gotten hurt were just resources to me. They were willing participants who knew what they were getting into and chose to be involved. This time is different though. I can try and tell my conscious that nine out of ten of them were willing participants, merely lost resources, but it is the tenth that hurts so much. Suddenly my head is flooded by memories of a mission that I have tried my damnedest to shut out. This is not the first time that someone was more than a resource, I have not thought of her since just after she died.
The pain that I thought I had silenced forever, has been resurrected by this current situation. The memories of a mission that ended over seven years ago have crept back into my mind. Memories that seem to almost belong to someone else, take place in someone else's lifetime, not mine. Those memories make what I am now going through, even harder. Like Mac's mission, Lou's mission went terribly wrong right at the beginning, and many good agents paid the price. 'Why is this happening' I asked myself that hundreds of times, and still have no answer. No answer for what happened then or now. I had convinced Lou that the assignment would be a cake walk, just a little intel, then the rest of the week was hers to do with what she wanted. I also told her that I hoped that she would want to spend the rest of the week with me. I had coerced her into taking on a mission she had not truly wanted to be a part of, just like I had done to Mac.
I knew when I walked into JAG HQ's six weeks ago that Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie would agree to this mission. Even though I knew she didn't like working for me and had sworn never to do so again. I knew she would agree. All I had to do was appeal to her sense of duty and honor, telling her how much her country needed her. I was right, she agreed, all the while sending me looks that could kill a lesser man than I. I snort at that thought, the way I feel right now, I don't think there are lesser men than me. I have bullied and manipulated an incredible woman into what turned out to be hell.
Granted it was only suppose to be a three day information gathering mission, but I am still responsible for putting her in this position. I glance at the door in front of me. I have talked with her several times today. Well I should say that I have talked TO her, she hasn't said very much to me. Beyond what was needed to debrief me, she hasn't said much of anything to anybody. When asked how she feels all she responds with is 'I'm fine.' That is a load of crap and everyone who knows her can see it. I can understand her not wanting to talk to me, I wouldn't want to talk to me either. It is late, she is probably asleep. I put my hand on the door, change my mind, and let it drop to my side. I can't see her like this, bruised battered, shattered.
'Why and how?'
I asked that seven years ago when I had been informed by my boss, Thomas Anderson, that five agents, including Lou, had had their covers blown and had been assassinated. No one could answer my questions. I was just another field agent then, I had no avenues of recourse to look into the matter myself. I had been force to accept that these things just happen, and it is tragic but unavoidable. It was eventually determined that a leak was present somewhere within the Company Agents stationed in the Middle Eastern Sector, but the leak had never been identified. Despite all that I knew that it was my fault she was dead. This was all in the past, I shouldn't dwell on the past. Unfortunately the present wasn't looking much better.
The Company is desperately looking into this to find out where the current leak is, but so far has come up with very little useful information. What they have come up with I certainly can't use when I speak to the families of those brave young men and women who died while on this mission. It is frustrating to have to answer all of their questions with the standard Company response: "I can't answer that question at this time, but I want to assure you that we are looking into this incident and will have something to tell you soon." Damn, WHY did this happen.
I walk back to the security checkpoint, which has become my temporary office of sorts. I pick up the latest update on the investigation into the cause, nothing promising. I skim over the names of the agents working in the area that knew of the operation that Mac was in charge of: Pickerell, Nance, Williams, Overbrook, Anderson, Grayson, and Langley. I have read the same three sentences five times before I put it down, I need to focus. I glance at the monitors checking to make sure everything is normal. My eyes flick across the images, and I suddenly freeze on one. There in the lobby is the one man I have dreaded talking to the most, while at the same time have been eager for his arrival. I know that Mac needs to see him, if anyone can help her it is him. I look down at the table where the Register List lies open. Crap! I haven't thought to put Harm on it yet. I grab my suit jacket containing my ID and head for the front lobby.
As I round the corner, I hear the Petty officer on duty tell him that no one gets into the restricted wing if not on the list. Well at least someone is doing their duty correctly, I mutter to myself.
"It's okay Petty Officer, he's clear." I say in a strong steady voice. I am amazed at how calm I sound, considering how I feel. I look at Harm as his hands ball into fists and he hisses my name from behind clenched teeth. Oh, Lord. He is pissed.
I barley hear the PO ask on whose authority, and a little of my nervousness come out in the form of snapping at her.
"On mine!" I get out my ID and hand it to the leery PO, my gaze never leaving Harm's face. "Clayton Webb, CIA. I am in charge of maintaining the list into the East Restricted Wing, where Colonel Mackenzie is being treated." I stare at Rabb hoping he is not going to kill me and tell him snidely, "If I had known you were coming tonight I would have made sure your name was on the list."
I know it is a smart-ass thing to say but I can't stop the words as they leave my mouth. The Admiral once told me that Harm and Mac are the closest thing I had to friends, and I am pretty sure that right now it is no longer true.
"Well isn't that nice of you." Rabb's jaw is still clenched and I know that he is struggling hard not to assault me here in the lobby. I decide the best tactic is to get him moving towards Mac. I open my mouth the try and find a way to start to let him know how responsible I feel and to tell him that I will take him to her now.
"Look, Rabb, I know you are angry--" That is all the farther I get before Rabb has me pinned against the wall his face mere inches from mine. I try not to show any emotion, I know I deserve this and more. Harm's voice continues to rise as he gets a small amount of his frustration out on me. I stare at him, knowing what is going on inside of his head. I can imagine how he must be feeling. His best friend has just gone through hell and he has the person responsible for that pinned against the wall. Hell, if I were him I would kill me. Harm ends his short tirade asking me what I have been asking myself for the last four weeks.
"What the hell happened Clay, how did this happen?!"
I can't answer that question, so I divert his attention, back to where it truly needs to be right now, back to Sarah. "Rabb, this is not the place to discuss this matter. If you will follow me please, we can talk about this on the way up to see the Colonel. I am assuming that is why you are here, right?"
I know that I am picking a fight with him, but part of me wants him to beat me to a bloody pulp. I am the reason he has come to take his broken and scarred partner home, he would be justified. I see Rabb take a deep breathe and am amazed at his self control. I didn't think he had it in him. I guess he realizes that Mac is the more important priority. His next words confirm my thoughts, and as he asks me to take him to his best friend I feel my throat tighten.
I think back to how I felt when I was told Lou was dead. If I could have had someone other than myself to blame, I would have reacted the same as Harm had. Well maybe not quite the same, I don't know if I would have stopped when he did. Even now I feel a surge of anger and blood lust when I think of whoever leaked Lou's identity to the enemy. Even now I would kill them without at second thought. That night I lost the best part of me, when Lou died I died with her. I lost my best friend because of the CIA, and now I have almost caused Harm to loose his as well. I need to warn Harm about the condition Mac is in. I know this isn't going to be easy.
As I try my best to explain how Mac has been reacting I lead Harm through the empty halls of the hospital, until we stand in front of her door. I watch as the fearless Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. stands outside a door looking frightened. He runs his hand through his hair and sighs.
"Is that her room?" Harm asked and gestured toward the door.
I feel as if I should say something, tell him that he is right to hate me, that I know the pain of having the best thing is your life taken from you. Tell him he is lucky, he got Mac back.
"Yes, and Harm, I truly am sorry." That is all I can say.
"I know." The look he gives me before squaring his shoulders and focusing on the door, tells me that he really does know, and that I may not have lost the closest thing to a friend I have.
He opens the door and I hear the faint sound of someone sobbing, and what is left of my heart dies. The door latches behind Harm and I am spared from listening to any more of Mac's anguish.
WHY is this happening? I still have no answers.
TBC*
___________
Random thought from the author: This has nothing to do with my story, but I watched the season finale and need to comment. Now I am a STAUNCH Harm/Mac supporter, I believe they belong together, BUT this last episode makes it really hard for me to be very against the Webb alternative. I mean the guy was really sweet, and I have this tendency to root for the underdog but gosh darn it, Harm has got to get his act together!!! *sigh* ok now I am off my soap box now....ABOUT my story....do you guys like this chapter, and do you think I should continue? As always I discourage flames but welcome constructive criticism. Please tell me what you think, about the story, my writing style, or my random comment about Webb. Enjoy your day! ~Fiona
Hello and thank you for reading
for the Standards Disclaimers please see chapter one now
to continue reading this story please wait for the beep.......BEEP.
***********************
Damn, my head hurts. I massage the bridge of my nose, trying in vain, to relieve some of the pressure. 'Why did this happen?" Seven people are dead, and three more now have to live with the memories of a hell I am responsible for getting them into.
In all my years in the CIA countless missions have hit snags and gone wrong under my command. That is the nature of this business, but never has it been like this. Before now the people who have died or gotten hurt were just resources to me. They were willing participants who knew what they were getting into and chose to be involved. This time is different though. I can try and tell my conscious that nine out of ten of them were willing participants, merely lost resources, but it is the tenth that hurts so much. Suddenly my head is flooded by memories of a mission that I have tried my damnedest to shut out. This is not the first time that someone was more than a resource, I have not thought of her since just after she died.
The pain that I thought I had silenced forever, has been resurrected by this current situation. The memories of a mission that ended over seven years ago have crept back into my mind. Memories that seem to almost belong to someone else, take place in someone else's lifetime, not mine. Those memories make what I am now going through, even harder. Like Mac's mission, Lou's mission went terribly wrong right at the beginning, and many good agents paid the price. 'Why is this happening' I asked myself that hundreds of times, and still have no answer. No answer for what happened then or now. I had convinced Lou that the assignment would be a cake walk, just a little intel, then the rest of the week was hers to do with what she wanted. I also told her that I hoped that she would want to spend the rest of the week with me. I had coerced her into taking on a mission she had not truly wanted to be a part of, just like I had done to Mac.
I knew when I walked into JAG HQ's six weeks ago that Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie would agree to this mission. Even though I knew she didn't like working for me and had sworn never to do so again. I knew she would agree. All I had to do was appeal to her sense of duty and honor, telling her how much her country needed her. I was right, she agreed, all the while sending me looks that could kill a lesser man than I. I snort at that thought, the way I feel right now, I don't think there are lesser men than me. I have bullied and manipulated an incredible woman into what turned out to be hell.
Granted it was only suppose to be a three day information gathering mission, but I am still responsible for putting her in this position. I glance at the door in front of me. I have talked with her several times today. Well I should say that I have talked TO her, she hasn't said very much to me. Beyond what was needed to debrief me, she hasn't said much of anything to anybody. When asked how she feels all she responds with is 'I'm fine.' That is a load of crap and everyone who knows her can see it. I can understand her not wanting to talk to me, I wouldn't want to talk to me either. It is late, she is probably asleep. I put my hand on the door, change my mind, and let it drop to my side. I can't see her like this, bruised battered, shattered.
'Why and how?'
I asked that seven years ago when I had been informed by my boss, Thomas Anderson, that five agents, including Lou, had had their covers blown and had been assassinated. No one could answer my questions. I was just another field agent then, I had no avenues of recourse to look into the matter myself. I had been force to accept that these things just happen, and it is tragic but unavoidable. It was eventually determined that a leak was present somewhere within the Company Agents stationed in the Middle Eastern Sector, but the leak had never been identified. Despite all that I knew that it was my fault she was dead. This was all in the past, I shouldn't dwell on the past. Unfortunately the present wasn't looking much better.
The Company is desperately looking into this to find out where the current leak is, but so far has come up with very little useful information. What they have come up with I certainly can't use when I speak to the families of those brave young men and women who died while on this mission. It is frustrating to have to answer all of their questions with the standard Company response: "I can't answer that question at this time, but I want to assure you that we are looking into this incident and will have something to tell you soon." Damn, WHY did this happen.
I walk back to the security checkpoint, which has become my temporary office of sorts. I pick up the latest update on the investigation into the cause, nothing promising. I skim over the names of the agents working in the area that knew of the operation that Mac was in charge of: Pickerell, Nance, Williams, Overbrook, Anderson, Grayson, and Langley. I have read the same three sentences five times before I put it down, I need to focus. I glance at the monitors checking to make sure everything is normal. My eyes flick across the images, and I suddenly freeze on one. There in the lobby is the one man I have dreaded talking to the most, while at the same time have been eager for his arrival. I know that Mac needs to see him, if anyone can help her it is him. I look down at the table where the Register List lies open. Crap! I haven't thought to put Harm on it yet. I grab my suit jacket containing my ID and head for the front lobby.
As I round the corner, I hear the Petty officer on duty tell him that no one gets into the restricted wing if not on the list. Well at least someone is doing their duty correctly, I mutter to myself.
"It's okay Petty Officer, he's clear." I say in a strong steady voice. I am amazed at how calm I sound, considering how I feel. I look at Harm as his hands ball into fists and he hisses my name from behind clenched teeth. Oh, Lord. He is pissed.
I barley hear the PO ask on whose authority, and a little of my nervousness come out in the form of snapping at her.
"On mine!" I get out my ID and hand it to the leery PO, my gaze never leaving Harm's face. "Clayton Webb, CIA. I am in charge of maintaining the list into the East Restricted Wing, where Colonel Mackenzie is being treated." I stare at Rabb hoping he is not going to kill me and tell him snidely, "If I had known you were coming tonight I would have made sure your name was on the list."
I know it is a smart-ass thing to say but I can't stop the words as they leave my mouth. The Admiral once told me that Harm and Mac are the closest thing I had to friends, and I am pretty sure that right now it is no longer true.
"Well isn't that nice of you." Rabb's jaw is still clenched and I know that he is struggling hard not to assault me here in the lobby. I decide the best tactic is to get him moving towards Mac. I open my mouth the try and find a way to start to let him know how responsible I feel and to tell him that I will take him to her now.
"Look, Rabb, I know you are angry--" That is all the farther I get before Rabb has me pinned against the wall his face mere inches from mine. I try not to show any emotion, I know I deserve this and more. Harm's voice continues to rise as he gets a small amount of his frustration out on me. I stare at him, knowing what is going on inside of his head. I can imagine how he must be feeling. His best friend has just gone through hell and he has the person responsible for that pinned against the wall. Hell, if I were him I would kill me. Harm ends his short tirade asking me what I have been asking myself for the last four weeks.
"What the hell happened Clay, how did this happen?!"
I can't answer that question, so I divert his attention, back to where it truly needs to be right now, back to Sarah. "Rabb, this is not the place to discuss this matter. If you will follow me please, we can talk about this on the way up to see the Colonel. I am assuming that is why you are here, right?"
I know that I am picking a fight with him, but part of me wants him to beat me to a bloody pulp. I am the reason he has come to take his broken and scarred partner home, he would be justified. I see Rabb take a deep breathe and am amazed at his self control. I didn't think he had it in him. I guess he realizes that Mac is the more important priority. His next words confirm my thoughts, and as he asks me to take him to his best friend I feel my throat tighten.
I think back to how I felt when I was told Lou was dead. If I could have had someone other than myself to blame, I would have reacted the same as Harm had. Well maybe not quite the same, I don't know if I would have stopped when he did. Even now I feel a surge of anger and blood lust when I think of whoever leaked Lou's identity to the enemy. Even now I would kill them without at second thought. That night I lost the best part of me, when Lou died I died with her. I lost my best friend because of the CIA, and now I have almost caused Harm to loose his as well. I need to warn Harm about the condition Mac is in. I know this isn't going to be easy.
As I try my best to explain how Mac has been reacting I lead Harm through the empty halls of the hospital, until we stand in front of her door. I watch as the fearless Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. stands outside a door looking frightened. He runs his hand through his hair and sighs.
"Is that her room?" Harm asked and gestured toward the door.
I feel as if I should say something, tell him that he is right to hate me, that I know the pain of having the best thing is your life taken from you. Tell him he is lucky, he got Mac back.
"Yes, and Harm, I truly am sorry." That is all I can say.
"I know." The look he gives me before squaring his shoulders and focusing on the door, tells me that he really does know, and that I may not have lost the closest thing to a friend I have.
He opens the door and I hear the faint sound of someone sobbing, and what is left of my heart dies. The door latches behind Harm and I am spared from listening to any more of Mac's anguish.
WHY is this happening? I still have no answers.
TBC*
___________
Random thought from the author: This has nothing to do with my story, but I watched the season finale and need to comment. Now I am a STAUNCH Harm/Mac supporter, I believe they belong together, BUT this last episode makes it really hard for me to be very against the Webb alternative. I mean the guy was really sweet, and I have this tendency to root for the underdog but gosh darn it, Harm has got to get his act together!!! *sigh* ok now I am off my soap box now....ABOUT my story....do you guys like this chapter, and do you think I should continue? As always I discourage flames but welcome constructive criticism. Please tell me what you think, about the story, my writing style, or my random comment about Webb. Enjoy your day! ~Fiona
