3 Pure morning
Jack always woke with the birds. The noisy, once strange but now familiar island birds. He had once envied them, for they had wings to flee this world and he had not. But now... he knew inwardly, that he didn't want to be rescued. He would.. could never adjust to civilisation again.
He stretched and looked around. Everything was still in place, and Ralph slept soundlessly, curled to a little ball in the corner of the hut. He took one of the coconut halves he owned and drank the rest of water inside.
Then he went out into the dawn. The sky was still grey, colourless in the absence of day and night. Dew glistened in the grass and his feet became wet with every step.
No one was up yet. For a moment the birds became so silent, that he could hear the sea brushing on the beach.
It was as if he was all alone in a world without people.
At this thought his chest became painfully tight. Fear and a long lost desire to be hold, to be protected, to be a child again, rose in him. He wanted to scream and curl up on the ground like Ralph did. But Jack stood without motion, without a sound, until the birds sung again and the moment was gone.
He turned on his heels and went back into the hut. Ralph had woken up and sat, with his eyes still sleepy on his pigskin.
"'morning. "
"'morning, Jack," he said with a clear voice.
"So... are you..?"
"Alright? Sane?"
"...yes."
Ralph considered for a moment, than he smiled his weak, unpractised smile again.
"I think so."
For a moment Jack wondered. How could Ralph just decide to be sane again and then be it? Had all this only been a genius trick to save his life? Anger welled in him, old, well known anger at the one boy on this island who could be a patch on him, no who even was better. For he had always had the feeling, deep inside him, that gnawing doubt, that told him 'Ralph is the clever one. Ralph was right. You are only the big savage, but he is the true leader...'.
Still standing in the centre of the room he glared at the boy – and froze.
Ralph looked up at him, with blue eyes without a clue, innocent and helpless to the core. No. There could not be a lie in that look. Because it was not a look that said 'Trust me'. It was a look that said 'I trust you.'
But instead of relieving him, it made him feel even worse. He felt so stupid. He resented being who he was, doing what he had done, feeling what he had felt...
Swiftly he turned around and with a gruff voice he asked:
"So... do you want to come to the river?"
Normally Jack would just make him go there, once in a while, to wash himself up, as he said. It was always difficult to make the deranged boy leave the shelter of the hut and walk all the way down to the little river, and normally he had to use brute force to accomplish the task. This would be test if Ralph was really cured, but he also wanted to get rid of his bad emotions.
"To the river?" Ralph looked nervous. He hated leaving this place. And the river was really far away.
But he slowly rose to his feet and nodded.
"Yes. I'll come."
"Alright." Jack stepped out into the slowly rising morning sun. And carefully, very carefully, Ralph followed him. He blinked.
The word was blazing with a pure morning sun, blinding him in it's splendour. And it was peaceful and beautiful. It felt painfully real in it's beauty, and Ralph wanted to flee back into the shadows to ensure himself that this was only a delusion.
His gaze fell on Jack, who stood there, waiting, uneasy. He looked behind him, at the hut.
"Ralph?"
"Yes.. yes.. I am here..," he whispered. He looked at Jack, and then at the island.
"I am here," he said loudly.
They walked slowly, a lot slower than Jack usually would, because Ralph was still a bit unpractised in walking that much and often tripped over creepers and stones. But with every step he became more confident, and when Jack began whistling a tune, he laughed for what seemed and probably was the first time in four years.
When they reached the beach the sun had already risen some feet over the horizon and the sea was sparkling with light. For a moment Ralph just stood there and breathed.
Jack looked at him and what he saw, reminded him...
And in the first light of morning, Ralph stood on the beach, only some steps away, and laughed, and cried. Ralph stood in the sand, half naked and thin and bloody, and laughing and crying he turned around to the frozen hunters. And his eyes, though they were shining with life, didn't seem to see them.
He angrily shook his head. There was no need to feel remorse now..
Ralph turned around and saw the other boy lost in thought.
"Jack?" he asked.
Jack snapped out of it.
"Huh."
"Are you coming?"
They climbed the platform and finally reached the pool. Ralph remembered a little boy, squealing in delight, as he plunged into the water...
Now he carefully dipped one foot into the water, very much like Piggy, once...
Jack had already stripped himself of all clothes and now glided into the water with the elegance of a wild animal. He dived and swum some metres and then came back with a happy smile on his face that made him seem unusually youthful.
"Come on!" he shouted with childlike enthusiasm.
Very slowly and with awkward motions he stepped out of his shorts, standing naked at the same place he had stood years ago. Once a boy just escaped childhood, he was now a teen nearly welcoming adulthood. But he was also thin, and scarred and obviously weakened and bent by the years of madness and refinement.
He lingered at the edge and was unsure how to protrude.
Jack, who was getting tired of waiting suddenly dived out of the water, grabbed his right leg and pulled. With a surprised scream Ralph fell over him and dashed into the water.
Spitting water he came back to the surface only a second later.
Jack laughed and hoped that he was still okay.
The look that Ralph send him bore the most surprising emotion: Ralph was angry. At him. But then a grin spread on his fair features and he laughed, laughed with Jack and they laughed until all the pain and pressure of their lives seemed to have left their young bodies.
It was strange, Jack thought, as he clung to the rocks while recovering from his laughing fit. It was strange, how now that Ralph seemed to get better with every minute, he also became even more precious. It was as if he had set himself a new task: Save this boy.
He just didn't know why, and he didn't know how.
"Jack?" Ralph asked when his breath was restored.
"Huh?"
"When you... that night.. when you hunted me.. why didn't you kill me?"
He looked at him out of troubled eyes. Jack felt a fierce blush on his cheeks and turned half away.
"Well... I couldn't just... I mean.. we couldn't just kill a madman, could we?" He tried an unconvincing grin.
"But you could kill a child? No one child, but three children?"
"It was.. it was.."
"I know." Ralph looked away.
Jack smashed his fist angrily into the ground. Why did Ralph always have to be so.. so..
"But we didn't kill since then!"
"Is that so? I'm afraid I haven't really paid attention the last 4 years," Ralph said with a tinge of sarcasm.
"No one died. Well, beside some littluns.."
"The littluns.. they must be our age now... how are they?"
"Strange. They are... like animals.. you know.. we were like savages.. but they are like animals.. always in the forest.. and they don't talk much." He shrugged.
"Don't you feel responsible for them?"
Jack blinked.
"They're just littluns."
"You sound like Roger," Ralph said sadly.
For a moment they fell silent, the last words hanging like an accuse in the air. Then Jack swung out of the pool and put on his clothes again. Ralph looked up at him. Jack held out his hand to help him out.
Ralph looked at the hand.
"I forgive you, Jack," he said.
"I forgive you. I have forgiven you long ago. I understand you. It was not your fault. It was nobody's fault."
He took the hand.
"I know.. this means nothing to you.. and I am not the one to judge or forgive... but I do forgive you."
Jack stared at him.
Maybe he was angry at the boy that held his hand and looked at him with truthful eyes. Maybe he wanted to hit him across the face for being so impertinent. 'I forgive you'. Always so self-righteous!
Look, Jack, I am civilised and I forgive the dumb barbarian!
But this wasn't it.
Because Ralph's words were right. It was nobody's fault.
He lifted the boy out of the water and turned away. He walked some steps and leaned on a palm. After a while he turned around again.
Ralph stood there, dripping with water but dressed again and looked very out of place and helpless.
He felt the sudden urge to protect him, to assure him that everything was alright.
"You are angry," Ralph stated.
Jacks eyes widened. It seemed that they were open today for the first time at all.
This boy.. had been his possession. He had hit this boy every time he was angry. He had treated him as a thing. But now there stood Ralph again.. and he realised that it had been a human being all along.
It was always the same! When they had killed Simon, it had been because they had not seen him as a human being. When they had killed Piggy it had been because he had not been 'one of them'. When they had hunted Ralph it had been because he had no longer been a human being...
But was it really that?
They also forgot so often that they were human, too.
They also forgot what it meant to be human.
He clenched his fists. Ralph didn't make a move but his eyes were wide with fear.
"I.. I.. ." The words broke in Jack's chest.
"I am sorry."
