Chapter Two
They Say You Can Never Go Home Again
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"Rory!!!!!!!!!" Lorelai called, slamming the front door behind her.
"Kitchen!!!" was the muffled reply from the kitchen. Lorelai rushed in to find her daughter sitting at the kitchen table, eating dry Lucky Charms, deeply engrossed in her newly bought copy of The Poisonwood Bible.
"Rory," Lorelai said through gasps of breath, "He's alive!!!"
Rory looked up, confused. "Who? Tupac? I knew it!!"
Lorelai shook her head. "No, honey, your BOYFRIEND. Jess Mariano. Stoic, kind of likes to read, gave you that necklace you're wearing. Ring any bells?"
"Yes I vaguely remember him," Rory said sarcastically. "What's your point?"
"He's alive!" Lorelai said, expecting an ecstatic reaction from her daughter. But Rory blinked at her, expecting some kind of further explanation.
"Come on, Rory, aren't you excited that your boyfriend's alive?"
"Well last time I saw him, he seemed to be living. You know, what with the walking and talking and breathing and such. So I kind of just assumed he still was."
Lorelai sighed and sat at the table with her daughter. "All I meant was that he made contact, so we now know he didn't get killed in a car crash somewhere between here and New York. He actually made it there all in one piece."
Suddenly Rory's eyes became more alert, as she closed her book, seemingly getting interested. "What do you mean he made contact? Did he call someone?"
"Yeah," Lorelai said. "Well actually, Luke called him, not the other way around. But the point is, they actually spoke on the phone for a full 36 seconds." She held up her watch. "I timed it."
Rory's shoulders slumped, and she reopened her book, disappointed. "Oh."
"What's the matter, honey?"
Rory shook her head, playing it off. "Nothing."
Lorelai saw straight through it. "Rory, you shouldn't worry that he hasn't called you. He probably wants to, he just-"
"He just has other stuff on his mind?" Rory finished her mother's sentence.
"I take it I'm not the first person to tell you this, huh?" Lorelai asked.
"Nope. Not the first today. Not the second either. In fact, you're not even the 4th."
Lorelai's jaw dropped. "4 other people said that to you today?"
Rory nodded. "Lane, Babette, Miss Patty, and Kirk."
"Ouch."
Rory nodded in agreement. "Apparently, everyone knows, because they heard you and Luke talking about it at the diner."
"Oh right," Lorelai commented. "Sorry about that, Hon. I didn't mean to talk so loud."
Rory sighed. "It's ok. They could probably tell anyway, since apparently I'm acting totally crazy."
"What? You're not acting crazy," Lorelai tried to comfort her.
"I'm not acting that crazy now," Rory said. "But you should have seen me earlier at Al's pancake world with Lane. She counted, and as it turns out, I took out my cell phone 14 times to make sure I hadn't accidentally turned it off." She took another handful of Lucky Charms. "I have to face it, Mom. I'm impatient, I'm high maintenance, and I'm completely dependent on my boyfriend."
Lorelai chuckled a little. "Honey, that doesn't mean you're crazy. It just means you're really in love, that's all." She sighed. "Trust me, I've been there, and I went through the exact same thing. Except it was the 80's, so there were no cell phones. Instead of checking to see if my cell phone was on, I was running home 3 times a day from friend's houses to check my messages." She smiled. "That's why I always had such great legs."
Rory cracked a smile. "I don't know why I can't just work up the nerve to call him myself. I've tried three times since I got home, but I keep hanging up before I finish dialing."
"I'll bet you a dollar he's been doing the exact same thing all day."
Rory shook her head. "I doubt it. He's meeting his father for the first time. I'm probably the last thing on his mind right now."
Lorelai grinned. "Honey, I think you've pretty much been among the top three things on his mind since the moment he met you."
"You're just saying that to make me feel better," Rory said, but she couldn't hide the smile spreading on her lips.
Lorelai stood. "You should get away from the phone for a bit. Go over to Lane's. Listen to some motivational music."
Rory snickered. "Yeah, we'll crank Independent Women and a bunch of other songs from the Charlie's Angels soundtrack."
"Sounds like fun to me."
Rory stood. "I'll go over to Lane's for a while."
"Good," Lorelai said. "Just don't be out too late."
"I won't." She grabbed one last handful of Lucky Charms before heading out the door.
************************************************
It wasn't the way he remembered it.
Jess always used to think New York was the only place in the world he'd ever feel comfortable in. It was hard, tough, and unforgiving. And he used to really like it. But it all felt different this time.
Of course, he still loved it. He loved the tiny record stores where everyone knew each other and everything was cheap. He loved taking the train wherever he wanted to go. He loved going to the park. He loved being able to walk around late at night and not appear suspicious, or worry about Taylor blaming him for anything and everything that may or may not have happened on a night when he was out.
He supposed he must have been spoiled, though. He got far too used to living in a place where someone usually cared if you were at home or not. He was accustomed to knowing almost everybody he came across during the day. He missed walking around and knowing that everyone he saw knew that he had somebody to call at night when he got home.
It was past 8 PM and he still hadn't been able to force himself back to the dreaded apartment building where his parents had probably already given up on him. He had gone out with Nancy and Ben, and what he had intended to be a short outing turned into a day long affair when the three of them ran into some other kids from their neighborhood. Jess knew most of these kids vaguely. He'd never been too close with them before, but they treated him like they'd been friends with him all along. He ended up going to a boy named Eric's apartment with some other kids. They didn't do anything really. Eric put on an a video of Spinal Tap, and they all passed around microwave popcorn and Dorritos. Essentially, they all wasted time. Ben continued to tease Jess about the small town girl he'd left back home, and Jess would laugh it off every time. But he kept thinking of her. He wanted to call her. He made up his mind that he would as soon as he left Eric's apartment. Just to hear her voice. It might help him work up the courage to finally go back home.
************************************************
"I am freaking out," Rory said, pacing Lane's room.
"I noticed," Lane commented. Rory had come over a few hours ago, but once it got to be past 7 o'clock, Rory was on edge. She was going completely insane with anxiety. She had tried to call Jess again, but couldn't make herself do it.
Now it was past 8, and Rory was really at the end of her rope. She grabbed the portable phone and thrust it at her Lane.
"Call him," Rory commanded.
"Why me?" Lane protested. "He's YOUR boyfriend. YOU'RE the one who wants to talk to him. YOU call him."
"He'll think I'm being high maintenance and needy."
"Well right now, you ARE being high maintenance and needy," Lane replied. Rory ignored her and started dialing his number.
"Just call to ask him a question about school or something," Rory directed her. "Don't mention me, just see if he brings it up."
"Rory, school is over," Lane reminded her.
"Well ask him about something else, it doesn't matter." Rory put the phone to her ear. "It's ringing."
She thrust it at an overwhelmed Lane just as Jess picked up the phone.
"Yeah?" his voice asked, expectantly. Flustered, Lane had to think a few moments before speaking.
"Jess, hi," she said.
"Lane?"
"Yeah," Lane answered. "Yes, this is Lane..."
A painfully long pause followed.
"Did you need something?" Jess asked.
"Oh! Um..." Lane racked her brain for a legitimate reason to have called him, but came up with nothing. "I was just, you know, checking in. Just to say hey, how are you. You know."
Jess tried his hardest not to laugh. "So you called me for small talk?"
"No! No... well, yeah..."
He chuckled. "Put Rory on the phone."
"What?!" Lane's voice nearly cracked; she had tried too hard to sound innocent. "I-well I can't put Rory on the phone, because... she's not here."
"Sure."
"No really. I'm home, in my room, all alone. I'm currently living in a completely Rory-less universe-"
"Tell her to stop pacing and sit down," Jess said.
Lane sighed, defeated. She looked to her friend. "He says to stop pacing and sit down."
Rory froze in her pacing tracks and slowly sat on the bed beside Lane. "Wow..." she said.
"I know," Lane agreed. "Maybe he's psychic! But not in a creepy, John Edwards kind of way, cuz Ew..."
Reluctantly Rory took the phone. "Hello?"
"Nice cover," Jess joked. "Almost had me fooled."
"What are you talking about?" Rory tried to play dumb. "Cover for what?"
He didn't bother playing along with her innocent act. "You could have just called yourself, you know."
Rory crossed her arms. "I could say the same thing to you."
"What, are you mad that I didn't call you last night?"
"No," Rory answered. "I wouldn't say 'Mad', really. Mad is such a strong word. More like... slightly disappointed."
Jess sighed. "I tried to call, I got the machine."
"Well see, there's this crazy thing about answering machines," she retorted. "You can leave messages on them."
"You don't say."
Rory sighed. "I'm sorry, I'm being a little crazy."
"You've been living with Lorelai too long," he said.
Rory heard voices laughing in the background on his end of the line. "Sounds like you're having a good time."
"We're watching Spinal Tap," he explained. "We're at the part with Stone henge."
"I love that part," Rory said, before adding in attempted subtlety, "Who's 'We'?"
"Just some old friends of mine," he said, heading to the door to get some privacy in the hall. He could see Ben eyeing him suspiciously, obviously thinking he was talking to his girlfriend.
"I see," Rory said. "So... I'm guessing you haven't talked to your father yet, huh?"
"How'd you guess?"
"Just perceptive I guess," she said. "Are you having second thoughts?"
"No," he said, lying through his teeth. "I'm going over there tonight."
"Oh," Rory said, trying to hide her disappointment. "Good. That's good..."
He didn't say anything.
"Well, will you call me after you meet him?" she asked. "Let me know how it goes?"
He smiled a little. He could tell how worried she was by the tone of her voice. She was trying far too hard to sound perky. "Yeah, I'll call you first thing." He paused a moment, before adding, "Don't worry. 2 weeks tops, and I'll be back."
Rory cracked a smile. "Really?"
"That's what I promised you, isn't it?"
She sighed, relieved. "Yeah, I know...." She paused. "I should go. Good luck with your father."
"Thanks," he said, not quite ready to hang up, but not knowing what else there was to say. "Bye, Rory."
"Bye."
She hung up slowly, trying to put on her best smile for Lane. She'd spoken to him. She'd done what she'd been anxious to do for two days. That should have done the trick, shouldn't it?
But she felt like something was wrong. He hadn't sounded angry on the phone, but she could tell over the phone that something was wrong. She didn't get the feeling that there was a problem between the two of them, but... there was something going on with him. He just didn't know how to say it.
***************************************************
But now the time is gonna come
And there's no feeling lost
For everyone who could've loved
And made me not to love
And all the time
I thought your words were mine
You held me down
As sure as the sun
You held me down
As sure as the sun
Now I could see into your eyes
But there's no compromise
For anyone you coulda saved
But never recognized
And now your worries gonna fall
But I won't help at all
For everyone who sees the place
Who knows they can't belong
And all the time
I thought your words were mine
You held me down
As sure as the sun
You held me down
As sure as the sun
You've taken away
Much more than you gave
What keeps me down
I'm lost in a rage
No one can explain
What keeps me down...
***************************************************
Jess didn't return to his old building until after 9 o'clock that night. When he got there, he was too tired to talk himself out of it. He just wanted to go and get it over with. There was no place left to go, and nothing else left to do.
He didn't ring the bell to get them to open the door for him. He slipped through as another resident left the building, and headed up the all too familiar stairs to the 4th floor. When he reached the door to his mother's apartment, he felt his heart start beating rapidly. He was about to do the one thing he'd feared and desired his entire life. Tentatively, he raised his hand and knocked on the door.
He waited a minute; no answer.
So he knocked again.
And again.
When there was still no answer, he bent down to retrieve the key he knew was hidden under the doormat. He let himself in, somewhat relieved to know the reunion would be postponed.
It was dark and empty. The furthest thing from a home he could imagine. His mother had obviously cleaned in anticipation of his arrival, but the cleaning left the room looking bare. The smell of cigarettes lingered on all the furniture near the window, where he knew his mother liked to smoke, and all the familiar stains on the carpet were still there, just like he'd remembered them. He walked over to the television and placed his hand on it. It was still warm; she hadn't left long ago. Which meant it would be a while before she returned.
Jess carried his bag to his old room, and was relieved to open the door and find it looking exactly the way it had when he'd left last summer to return to Stars Hollow. His bed was still unmade, and books, cds, and clothes he'd decided not to bring with him were still scattered around the room. He sighed with a smirk; the last time he'd been there had been the same day Rory had first kissed him at that wedding...
Of course that one kiss was followed by months of waiting, and after that, months of arguing with the only person he never wanted to argue with. But it had been worth it in the end. The best decision he'd ever made in his life was to return to Stars Hollow.
And now he'd left it again.
"Nice going, Jess," he said to himself softly with sarcasm.
He heard keys jingling outside the door to the apartment. She was home. He didn't know what to do at first, so he froze, facing the ajar door to his room in anticipation.
"Damn it," he heard her say, dropping something heavy on the kitchen counter. It sounded like she'd bought groceries. Her voice was raspy from years and years of smoking, as well as a remarkable amount of yelling and screaming fights. It echoed in the nearly empty room. He heard her slam the door closed, and begin to put away the groceries she'd bought. He knew he couldn't just stand there. His numb legs carried him silently out of his bedroom and around the corner to the small kitchen.
She stopped in her tracks, seeing him there. Her eyes bore deep into his, as though she were trying to make sure he was really there and she wasn't imagining things. He didn't say a word to explain himself; neither one of them smiled or greeted each other. The silence seemed to last forever before Liz finally broke eye contact and opened the refrigerator to put away the milk.
"Well look who finally decided to show up," she said, with an element of bitterness in her tone.
Jess rolled his eyes. "Good to see you too, Liz."
She sighed, still unpacking the groceries, barely able to look him in the eye anymore. "Would you cut that out? I'm your mother, you're not supposed to call me by my first name."
"I'm sorry, mother dearest," he said sharply. "I'll never do it again, cross my heart and hope to die."
She slammed the cabinet shut hard with frustration, to keep from yelling, but still avoided looking at him. "How'd you get in? Did you climb the fire escape an climb in through a window or something?"
"There's a key under the doormat," he replied. "I don't have amnesia, I do remember most of this stuff."
"But I guess you can't seem to remember to pick up a phone once in a while, huh?" She cried, finally leaving the groceries alone and facing him, with fury in her eyes.
"You're lucky I showed up at all," Jess retorted. "I didn't even want to come back here in the first place."
"Why the hell not? I mean, what the hell's so great about that Stars Crossing place, anyway?"
"Stars Hollow," he corrected her, annoyed that his own mother couldn't seem to remember where he'd been living for two years. "And it's a hell of a lot better that this place, since you asked."
"What kept you so long?" She asked, changing the subject. "We thought you were supposed to come yesterday night. We waited for hours."
"Well gee, I'm sorry I couldn't just pick up and skip town right after I graduated. I actually have a life back in that place, I had some loose ends to tie up." He paused. "Yeah, and that reminds me, thanks a bunch for coming to my graduation," he added with a fake smile. "It really meant a lot."
She sighed. "I tried to make it, Jess, I really did. But I had to work that day-"
"No of course, I understand," he said sarcastically. "If TGI Friday's was understaffed one day, the whole city might just shut down. They would have been lost without your impeccable waitressing talents."
She sighed. "It wasn't like Luke really gave me notice ahead of time. He called me two days beforehand. I couldn't just cancel everything." She paused a minute, waiting for him to look up from the floor, but he didn't. "I got you a graduation present though. I mean, it's nothing big, but... I figured I owed you that much." She started towards her bedroom. "I can go wrap it real quick now, if you want-"
"I didn't come back here for a graduation present," he said pointedly, stopping her in her tracks. He looked at her, and she knew immediately what he meant. He'd come for one, and only one reason.
She sat awkwardly on the arm of the couch with a sigh. "He's not staying here anymore," she explained. "He figured you weren't gonna show, so he got himself a room at some hotel near Times Square... he and I weren't exactly getting along great."
"Imagine that," Jess commented. His mother had never really forgiven Jess' father for leaving them. Why should she have? He left without a word the same day Jess was born. He sent checks to them every few months, but Liz usually left them unopened, or ripped them up unless she really needed the money.
"He gave me the hotel's address and his room number. And he left his cell phone number too." She shuffled through some papers on the counter before handing him a crumpled scrap with some information scribbled down. "He said he would stay in town a few more days, and if you didn't show up by then, he would catch the next plane back to Venice Beach."
Jess nodded, studying the scrap of paper. It wasn't his mother's handwriting; it was bold and dark. He knew his father had written it down. He felt stupid realizing it, but the mere sight of his father's handwriting made his stomach jump. "Thanks," he forced out.
"You don't have to go see him if you don't wanna," Liz said, in a voice that was as close to comforting as he'd ever heard from her. "There are plenty of kids who get along fine without knowing their parents."
"Yeah," he said, "Whatever." Folding the piece of paper and stuffing it in his pocket, he headed to the front door.
"Are you going to see him now?" Liz called after him, obviously worried.
"No," he called back, not turning back to her. "I'm just going out for a walk. I'll be back."
"When?"
"Later," he said, slamming the door behind him.
It seemed to take forever to get down the stairs, outside the building, and to the alley behind it. When he finally reached the alley, his pent up rage was too much to conceal. He took it out on some empty trash cans, violently kicking them over and over again, scaring away the stray cats that inhabited the alley.
After a few minutes, he ran out of energy, and let himself collapse on the nearby steps of a fire escape. He was losing it; he had to get this over with. He got out the address of the hotel, and headed down to Times Square. He didn't care if it was late. He was going over there, and he was going now.
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A/N: SO yeah....I know this seems hopeless right now, but the next chapter is better. Happy stuff happens. And that's when the Java Junkie stuff really starts picking up. SO have no fear, you will have a happy ending, I rpomise!!! Ok please review!!!!! It gives me incentive to get the next chapter up quicker!!!!!
They Say You Can Never Go Home Again
**************************************
"Rory!!!!!!!!!" Lorelai called, slamming the front door behind her.
"Kitchen!!!" was the muffled reply from the kitchen. Lorelai rushed in to find her daughter sitting at the kitchen table, eating dry Lucky Charms, deeply engrossed in her newly bought copy of The Poisonwood Bible.
"Rory," Lorelai said through gasps of breath, "He's alive!!!"
Rory looked up, confused. "Who? Tupac? I knew it!!"
Lorelai shook her head. "No, honey, your BOYFRIEND. Jess Mariano. Stoic, kind of likes to read, gave you that necklace you're wearing. Ring any bells?"
"Yes I vaguely remember him," Rory said sarcastically. "What's your point?"
"He's alive!" Lorelai said, expecting an ecstatic reaction from her daughter. But Rory blinked at her, expecting some kind of further explanation.
"Come on, Rory, aren't you excited that your boyfriend's alive?"
"Well last time I saw him, he seemed to be living. You know, what with the walking and talking and breathing and such. So I kind of just assumed he still was."
Lorelai sighed and sat at the table with her daughter. "All I meant was that he made contact, so we now know he didn't get killed in a car crash somewhere between here and New York. He actually made it there all in one piece."
Suddenly Rory's eyes became more alert, as she closed her book, seemingly getting interested. "What do you mean he made contact? Did he call someone?"
"Yeah," Lorelai said. "Well actually, Luke called him, not the other way around. But the point is, they actually spoke on the phone for a full 36 seconds." She held up her watch. "I timed it."
Rory's shoulders slumped, and she reopened her book, disappointed. "Oh."
"What's the matter, honey?"
Rory shook her head, playing it off. "Nothing."
Lorelai saw straight through it. "Rory, you shouldn't worry that he hasn't called you. He probably wants to, he just-"
"He just has other stuff on his mind?" Rory finished her mother's sentence.
"I take it I'm not the first person to tell you this, huh?" Lorelai asked.
"Nope. Not the first today. Not the second either. In fact, you're not even the 4th."
Lorelai's jaw dropped. "4 other people said that to you today?"
Rory nodded. "Lane, Babette, Miss Patty, and Kirk."
"Ouch."
Rory nodded in agreement. "Apparently, everyone knows, because they heard you and Luke talking about it at the diner."
"Oh right," Lorelai commented. "Sorry about that, Hon. I didn't mean to talk so loud."
Rory sighed. "It's ok. They could probably tell anyway, since apparently I'm acting totally crazy."
"What? You're not acting crazy," Lorelai tried to comfort her.
"I'm not acting that crazy now," Rory said. "But you should have seen me earlier at Al's pancake world with Lane. She counted, and as it turns out, I took out my cell phone 14 times to make sure I hadn't accidentally turned it off." She took another handful of Lucky Charms. "I have to face it, Mom. I'm impatient, I'm high maintenance, and I'm completely dependent on my boyfriend."
Lorelai chuckled a little. "Honey, that doesn't mean you're crazy. It just means you're really in love, that's all." She sighed. "Trust me, I've been there, and I went through the exact same thing. Except it was the 80's, so there were no cell phones. Instead of checking to see if my cell phone was on, I was running home 3 times a day from friend's houses to check my messages." She smiled. "That's why I always had such great legs."
Rory cracked a smile. "I don't know why I can't just work up the nerve to call him myself. I've tried three times since I got home, but I keep hanging up before I finish dialing."
"I'll bet you a dollar he's been doing the exact same thing all day."
Rory shook her head. "I doubt it. He's meeting his father for the first time. I'm probably the last thing on his mind right now."
Lorelai grinned. "Honey, I think you've pretty much been among the top three things on his mind since the moment he met you."
"You're just saying that to make me feel better," Rory said, but she couldn't hide the smile spreading on her lips.
Lorelai stood. "You should get away from the phone for a bit. Go over to Lane's. Listen to some motivational music."
Rory snickered. "Yeah, we'll crank Independent Women and a bunch of other songs from the Charlie's Angels soundtrack."
"Sounds like fun to me."
Rory stood. "I'll go over to Lane's for a while."
"Good," Lorelai said. "Just don't be out too late."
"I won't." She grabbed one last handful of Lucky Charms before heading out the door.
************************************************
It wasn't the way he remembered it.
Jess always used to think New York was the only place in the world he'd ever feel comfortable in. It was hard, tough, and unforgiving. And he used to really like it. But it all felt different this time.
Of course, he still loved it. He loved the tiny record stores where everyone knew each other and everything was cheap. He loved taking the train wherever he wanted to go. He loved going to the park. He loved being able to walk around late at night and not appear suspicious, or worry about Taylor blaming him for anything and everything that may or may not have happened on a night when he was out.
He supposed he must have been spoiled, though. He got far too used to living in a place where someone usually cared if you were at home or not. He was accustomed to knowing almost everybody he came across during the day. He missed walking around and knowing that everyone he saw knew that he had somebody to call at night when he got home.
It was past 8 PM and he still hadn't been able to force himself back to the dreaded apartment building where his parents had probably already given up on him. He had gone out with Nancy and Ben, and what he had intended to be a short outing turned into a day long affair when the three of them ran into some other kids from their neighborhood. Jess knew most of these kids vaguely. He'd never been too close with them before, but they treated him like they'd been friends with him all along. He ended up going to a boy named Eric's apartment with some other kids. They didn't do anything really. Eric put on an a video of Spinal Tap, and they all passed around microwave popcorn and Dorritos. Essentially, they all wasted time. Ben continued to tease Jess about the small town girl he'd left back home, and Jess would laugh it off every time. But he kept thinking of her. He wanted to call her. He made up his mind that he would as soon as he left Eric's apartment. Just to hear her voice. It might help him work up the courage to finally go back home.
************************************************
"I am freaking out," Rory said, pacing Lane's room.
"I noticed," Lane commented. Rory had come over a few hours ago, but once it got to be past 7 o'clock, Rory was on edge. She was going completely insane with anxiety. She had tried to call Jess again, but couldn't make herself do it.
Now it was past 8, and Rory was really at the end of her rope. She grabbed the portable phone and thrust it at her Lane.
"Call him," Rory commanded.
"Why me?" Lane protested. "He's YOUR boyfriend. YOU'RE the one who wants to talk to him. YOU call him."
"He'll think I'm being high maintenance and needy."
"Well right now, you ARE being high maintenance and needy," Lane replied. Rory ignored her and started dialing his number.
"Just call to ask him a question about school or something," Rory directed her. "Don't mention me, just see if he brings it up."
"Rory, school is over," Lane reminded her.
"Well ask him about something else, it doesn't matter." Rory put the phone to her ear. "It's ringing."
She thrust it at an overwhelmed Lane just as Jess picked up the phone.
"Yeah?" his voice asked, expectantly. Flustered, Lane had to think a few moments before speaking.
"Jess, hi," she said.
"Lane?"
"Yeah," Lane answered. "Yes, this is Lane..."
A painfully long pause followed.
"Did you need something?" Jess asked.
"Oh! Um..." Lane racked her brain for a legitimate reason to have called him, but came up with nothing. "I was just, you know, checking in. Just to say hey, how are you. You know."
Jess tried his hardest not to laugh. "So you called me for small talk?"
"No! No... well, yeah..."
He chuckled. "Put Rory on the phone."
"What?!" Lane's voice nearly cracked; she had tried too hard to sound innocent. "I-well I can't put Rory on the phone, because... she's not here."
"Sure."
"No really. I'm home, in my room, all alone. I'm currently living in a completely Rory-less universe-"
"Tell her to stop pacing and sit down," Jess said.
Lane sighed, defeated. She looked to her friend. "He says to stop pacing and sit down."
Rory froze in her pacing tracks and slowly sat on the bed beside Lane. "Wow..." she said.
"I know," Lane agreed. "Maybe he's psychic! But not in a creepy, John Edwards kind of way, cuz Ew..."
Reluctantly Rory took the phone. "Hello?"
"Nice cover," Jess joked. "Almost had me fooled."
"What are you talking about?" Rory tried to play dumb. "Cover for what?"
He didn't bother playing along with her innocent act. "You could have just called yourself, you know."
Rory crossed her arms. "I could say the same thing to you."
"What, are you mad that I didn't call you last night?"
"No," Rory answered. "I wouldn't say 'Mad', really. Mad is such a strong word. More like... slightly disappointed."
Jess sighed. "I tried to call, I got the machine."
"Well see, there's this crazy thing about answering machines," she retorted. "You can leave messages on them."
"You don't say."
Rory sighed. "I'm sorry, I'm being a little crazy."
"You've been living with Lorelai too long," he said.
Rory heard voices laughing in the background on his end of the line. "Sounds like you're having a good time."
"We're watching Spinal Tap," he explained. "We're at the part with Stone henge."
"I love that part," Rory said, before adding in attempted subtlety, "Who's 'We'?"
"Just some old friends of mine," he said, heading to the door to get some privacy in the hall. He could see Ben eyeing him suspiciously, obviously thinking he was talking to his girlfriend.
"I see," Rory said. "So... I'm guessing you haven't talked to your father yet, huh?"
"How'd you guess?"
"Just perceptive I guess," she said. "Are you having second thoughts?"
"No," he said, lying through his teeth. "I'm going over there tonight."
"Oh," Rory said, trying to hide her disappointment. "Good. That's good..."
He didn't say anything.
"Well, will you call me after you meet him?" she asked. "Let me know how it goes?"
He smiled a little. He could tell how worried she was by the tone of her voice. She was trying far too hard to sound perky. "Yeah, I'll call you first thing." He paused a moment, before adding, "Don't worry. 2 weeks tops, and I'll be back."
Rory cracked a smile. "Really?"
"That's what I promised you, isn't it?"
She sighed, relieved. "Yeah, I know...." She paused. "I should go. Good luck with your father."
"Thanks," he said, not quite ready to hang up, but not knowing what else there was to say. "Bye, Rory."
"Bye."
She hung up slowly, trying to put on her best smile for Lane. She'd spoken to him. She'd done what she'd been anxious to do for two days. That should have done the trick, shouldn't it?
But she felt like something was wrong. He hadn't sounded angry on the phone, but she could tell over the phone that something was wrong. She didn't get the feeling that there was a problem between the two of them, but... there was something going on with him. He just didn't know how to say it.
***************************************************
But now the time is gonna come
And there's no feeling lost
For everyone who could've loved
And made me not to love
And all the time
I thought your words were mine
You held me down
As sure as the sun
You held me down
As sure as the sun
Now I could see into your eyes
But there's no compromise
For anyone you coulda saved
But never recognized
And now your worries gonna fall
But I won't help at all
For everyone who sees the place
Who knows they can't belong
And all the time
I thought your words were mine
You held me down
As sure as the sun
You held me down
As sure as the sun
You've taken away
Much more than you gave
What keeps me down
I'm lost in a rage
No one can explain
What keeps me down...
***************************************************
Jess didn't return to his old building until after 9 o'clock that night. When he got there, he was too tired to talk himself out of it. He just wanted to go and get it over with. There was no place left to go, and nothing else left to do.
He didn't ring the bell to get them to open the door for him. He slipped through as another resident left the building, and headed up the all too familiar stairs to the 4th floor. When he reached the door to his mother's apartment, he felt his heart start beating rapidly. He was about to do the one thing he'd feared and desired his entire life. Tentatively, he raised his hand and knocked on the door.
He waited a minute; no answer.
So he knocked again.
And again.
When there was still no answer, he bent down to retrieve the key he knew was hidden under the doormat. He let himself in, somewhat relieved to know the reunion would be postponed.
It was dark and empty. The furthest thing from a home he could imagine. His mother had obviously cleaned in anticipation of his arrival, but the cleaning left the room looking bare. The smell of cigarettes lingered on all the furniture near the window, where he knew his mother liked to smoke, and all the familiar stains on the carpet were still there, just like he'd remembered them. He walked over to the television and placed his hand on it. It was still warm; she hadn't left long ago. Which meant it would be a while before she returned.
Jess carried his bag to his old room, and was relieved to open the door and find it looking exactly the way it had when he'd left last summer to return to Stars Hollow. His bed was still unmade, and books, cds, and clothes he'd decided not to bring with him were still scattered around the room. He sighed with a smirk; the last time he'd been there had been the same day Rory had first kissed him at that wedding...
Of course that one kiss was followed by months of waiting, and after that, months of arguing with the only person he never wanted to argue with. But it had been worth it in the end. The best decision he'd ever made in his life was to return to Stars Hollow.
And now he'd left it again.
"Nice going, Jess," he said to himself softly with sarcasm.
He heard keys jingling outside the door to the apartment. She was home. He didn't know what to do at first, so he froze, facing the ajar door to his room in anticipation.
"Damn it," he heard her say, dropping something heavy on the kitchen counter. It sounded like she'd bought groceries. Her voice was raspy from years and years of smoking, as well as a remarkable amount of yelling and screaming fights. It echoed in the nearly empty room. He heard her slam the door closed, and begin to put away the groceries she'd bought. He knew he couldn't just stand there. His numb legs carried him silently out of his bedroom and around the corner to the small kitchen.
She stopped in her tracks, seeing him there. Her eyes bore deep into his, as though she were trying to make sure he was really there and she wasn't imagining things. He didn't say a word to explain himself; neither one of them smiled or greeted each other. The silence seemed to last forever before Liz finally broke eye contact and opened the refrigerator to put away the milk.
"Well look who finally decided to show up," she said, with an element of bitterness in her tone.
Jess rolled his eyes. "Good to see you too, Liz."
She sighed, still unpacking the groceries, barely able to look him in the eye anymore. "Would you cut that out? I'm your mother, you're not supposed to call me by my first name."
"I'm sorry, mother dearest," he said sharply. "I'll never do it again, cross my heart and hope to die."
She slammed the cabinet shut hard with frustration, to keep from yelling, but still avoided looking at him. "How'd you get in? Did you climb the fire escape an climb in through a window or something?"
"There's a key under the doormat," he replied. "I don't have amnesia, I do remember most of this stuff."
"But I guess you can't seem to remember to pick up a phone once in a while, huh?" She cried, finally leaving the groceries alone and facing him, with fury in her eyes.
"You're lucky I showed up at all," Jess retorted. "I didn't even want to come back here in the first place."
"Why the hell not? I mean, what the hell's so great about that Stars Crossing place, anyway?"
"Stars Hollow," he corrected her, annoyed that his own mother couldn't seem to remember where he'd been living for two years. "And it's a hell of a lot better that this place, since you asked."
"What kept you so long?" She asked, changing the subject. "We thought you were supposed to come yesterday night. We waited for hours."
"Well gee, I'm sorry I couldn't just pick up and skip town right after I graduated. I actually have a life back in that place, I had some loose ends to tie up." He paused. "Yeah, and that reminds me, thanks a bunch for coming to my graduation," he added with a fake smile. "It really meant a lot."
She sighed. "I tried to make it, Jess, I really did. But I had to work that day-"
"No of course, I understand," he said sarcastically. "If TGI Friday's was understaffed one day, the whole city might just shut down. They would have been lost without your impeccable waitressing talents."
She sighed. "It wasn't like Luke really gave me notice ahead of time. He called me two days beforehand. I couldn't just cancel everything." She paused a minute, waiting for him to look up from the floor, but he didn't. "I got you a graduation present though. I mean, it's nothing big, but... I figured I owed you that much." She started towards her bedroom. "I can go wrap it real quick now, if you want-"
"I didn't come back here for a graduation present," he said pointedly, stopping her in her tracks. He looked at her, and she knew immediately what he meant. He'd come for one, and only one reason.
She sat awkwardly on the arm of the couch with a sigh. "He's not staying here anymore," she explained. "He figured you weren't gonna show, so he got himself a room at some hotel near Times Square... he and I weren't exactly getting along great."
"Imagine that," Jess commented. His mother had never really forgiven Jess' father for leaving them. Why should she have? He left without a word the same day Jess was born. He sent checks to them every few months, but Liz usually left them unopened, or ripped them up unless she really needed the money.
"He gave me the hotel's address and his room number. And he left his cell phone number too." She shuffled through some papers on the counter before handing him a crumpled scrap with some information scribbled down. "He said he would stay in town a few more days, and if you didn't show up by then, he would catch the next plane back to Venice Beach."
Jess nodded, studying the scrap of paper. It wasn't his mother's handwriting; it was bold and dark. He knew his father had written it down. He felt stupid realizing it, but the mere sight of his father's handwriting made his stomach jump. "Thanks," he forced out.
"You don't have to go see him if you don't wanna," Liz said, in a voice that was as close to comforting as he'd ever heard from her. "There are plenty of kids who get along fine without knowing their parents."
"Yeah," he said, "Whatever." Folding the piece of paper and stuffing it in his pocket, he headed to the front door.
"Are you going to see him now?" Liz called after him, obviously worried.
"No," he called back, not turning back to her. "I'm just going out for a walk. I'll be back."
"When?"
"Later," he said, slamming the door behind him.
It seemed to take forever to get down the stairs, outside the building, and to the alley behind it. When he finally reached the alley, his pent up rage was too much to conceal. He took it out on some empty trash cans, violently kicking them over and over again, scaring away the stray cats that inhabited the alley.
After a few minutes, he ran out of energy, and let himself collapse on the nearby steps of a fire escape. He was losing it; he had to get this over with. He got out the address of the hotel, and headed down to Times Square. He didn't care if it was late. He was going over there, and he was going now.
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A/N: SO yeah....I know this seems hopeless right now, but the next chapter is better. Happy stuff happens. And that's when the Java Junkie stuff really starts picking up. SO have no fear, you will have a happy ending, I rpomise!!! Ok please review!!!!! It gives me incentive to get the next chapter up quicker!!!!!
