(The Empire State Building)

Colonel Foot-Goblin: You must die!

Spider-man: Not if I have anything to say about it, Goblin!

Colleen and Amanda: (swoon)

Colonel Foot-Goblin: Grrr!

(Dramatic battle scene ensues in which there are many close-ups of Spidey's muscular, rippling, spandex-clad, all-in-all very nice bum. Obviously, Spidey whoops Colonel Foot-Goblin's ass.)

Spider-man: Take that!

CFG (Colonel Foot-Goblin): I'm telling my mommy on you!

Amanda: Tsk tsk.

Colleen: Such a little tattler…

CFG: Stop making fun of me! Dude, chill out! But they're being mean to me! Which is why we're going to kill them! Oh yeah…you must die!

Amanda: We've been there, done that.

Colleen: This is the part where you slink away to nurse your wounded pride.

CFG: Oh…sorry, dude. We're new at this.

Spider-man: Obviously. (sniff of disdain) That was the easiest battle I've fought in a long time!

CFG: We'll meet again, Fan Club Girls! And next time…you'll die! (hops on football-shaped glider and speeds away)

Amanda: We're quaking with fear. Really. Aren't we, Col?

Colleen. (rolls eyes) Oh yes…do hurry back now.

(Logan Airport, Boston)

Patti: (whispering) Remind me again how we got stuck with the girls' German teacher?

Carol: She just…came along.

John: She's scary!

Ken: And she didn't even bring any pizza!

(All look to the ticket booth where die Eisen Frau is yelling at the cowering workers auf Deutsch, which means "in German")

Frau Chane: Nein! Funfte Fahrkarten! Ich gehe auch, dummkompf!

Ticket Guy: (Wailing) I don't speak German! You're scaring me! (hands die Eisen Frau the tickets and runs away weeping)

Frau Chane: (Returning triumphantly) Perfect! Five tickets to New York City. Let's go!

Ken: (whispering) Psycho!

John: (snicker) Hans! Franz! No joking in my class! Up here by me! Now!

(John and Ken both open their mouths to protest that A) Their names are neither Hans nor Franz and B) that they are not in Eisen Frau's class. However, one glance from the teacher shuts them up.)

Ken and John: Yes, Frau Chane.

(Frau Chane's German Class)

Emily: (Singing) Casper, die freundlich Geihst…

Sam: Dum-de-dum…ICHIIICKI –WAO!!!…Dum-de-dum…

Class: (keeps repeating over and over) Katrin und Olivia sind mause tot! (Colleen and Amanda are as dead as doornails)

(Suddenly a mysterious figure appears in the doorway)

Mysterious Figure: Hey…I'm looking for my Fan Club.

Class: Katrin und Olivia sind sehr mause tot!

Emily: Hey! You're that guy that Amanda and Colleen are obsessed with. Which one of the Brady Bunch are you, anyway?

(Empire State Building)

Spider-man: Well, it's been fun, but I've got to go save MJ from some muggers! Next time that Foot Goblin shows up, just scream! I'll hear you. (leaps from the building, shoots web and swings away)

Colleen: Save…Mary Jane?

Amanda: And…leave us?

Both: That girl is going DOWN!

TBC…