Disclaimer: I don't own Abby, Carter or any of the ER 'gang'

Authors Notes: Again a thank you to Carzie and Carrie because you're the best. Thanks to everyone who reviewed last time –as fellow writers know, there's nothing better than a constructive review – either leave me one here or email me at carbyuk2002@yahoo.co.uk

Complicated Simplicity

Chapter 2 (Carter)

She's with me. She's straddled over my thighs, gently massaging my lower back.

I can't see her but I know she looks tired; she spends a lot of time looking tired. She looks beautiful when she's tired, she looks innocent without looking totally naive.

But we're not innocent. Far from it.

She's been with me for quite a while now. I don't just mean tonight; it's been nearly 1-½ months now and I've loved every second of it. I go to sleep next to her and if I'm lucky she's still there when I wake up. Excuse the apparent contradiction but the routine is exciting.

She comes back to my apartment after her shift. I don't know how she manages to get out but I don't ask, I'm probably better off not knowing.

Some nights we'll have dinner and then make love until the early hours, others we'll just sit in the apartment making meaningless conversation and then there are some nights, like tonight, that we never make it out of the bedroom. I like these nights the best, we talk about the important stuff – all the important stuff within the one ground rule – we don't talk about Luka.

Apparently he has nothing to do with us, but he does, he has everything to do with us, he's the reason I don't wake up to her most mornings, it's him that makes this what it shouldn't be – an illicit affair, or maybe its me that does that.

I won't lie and say that I hate sneaking around because it's not true, it's exciting and I want her more because I know I can't have her. The stolen moments at work, conveniently taking patients upstairs together, secret rendezvous' in the lounge or occasionally the storage closet in the ICU and the glances we share across traumas make my heart race but they break my heart at the same time. Knowing I can't touch her, put my arms around her or kiss her until we're behind closed doors and knowing that she's waking up between his sheets kills me. The lying to everyone, lying to her, pretending that being with her is enough. But it's not. I want her to be with me. I don't want to give her an ultimatum but I want her to choose. I want her to choose me.

I can feel myself tensing underneath her hands. Her touch on my back becomes slower and lighter until she stops and comes to lie down next to me.

I don't want to talk now, well; I don't want to talk about this now.

I shift my weight and take her take her newfound position as a cue to return the favour but she stops me and I roll back onto my side to face her. Our noses are almost touching. She brings her hand to my face, slowly her hand grazes my cheek, my jaw, my neck, it finally finds its resting place on my chest. My eyes leave their focus on her hand and move back towards her face

She does the same except instead on looking back at my face she gazes into my eyes. She's searching for something.

'That feel better?'

I nod and smile not trusting my mouth to speak.

She smiles back and takes a long blink but her gaze still manages to find its way back to my eyes.

It's an unnerving move, I feel so uncovered when she does that, it makes it harder to lie when somebody's searching for the answer they want in all the right places.

'Are you Okay?'

Again all I can do is nod and smile, only this time I have to look away – avoid her gaze.

'Carter, look at me?'

Her hand moves from my chest back up to my face. She does it in a way that mesmerizes me. My eyes meet hers again.

'You sure you're Okay? You've been really quiet tonight'

I want to look away but there's something in her gaze that keeps my eyes fixed.

'Yeah, I'm just…you know… a little out of it tonight'

She leans in and kisses me.

When I next see her face she's smiling, she looks happy if not slightly weary.

'I better be going'

I nod. It had to happen eventually, I didn't realise how quickly a few hours could pass by.

We get off the bed and I follow her through towards the door.

I hand her her coat and help her put it on. She checks herself in the mirror, I assume to make herself look as innocent as possible. She sighs heavily.

'Stay' I repeat over and over in my head

'What?'

Apparently I said it out loud too.

'Stay tonight'

'I can't'

'Why not?'

'Luka's expecting me home'

'Say you went back to your place'

'No, John, he's expecting me, maybe some other time'

'Okay' my voice is barely a whisper.

'Okay what?'

'Go'

She stares at me for a minute trying to find something to say. She reaches up and kisses me checking that there are no hard feelings.

We stand in the doorway a little longer and then she goes. She doesn't take her eyes off me until she reaches the bottom of the stairs and then she's gone.

A/N: Just a little thing – for those of you who remember when I wrote under the name Hna – I have recently received reviews asking for me to continue with my old fic 'Nine Months' at this current moment in time I have no plans to continue with it however I don't know how I'll feel in the future so you never know– if you have any comments/queries about this please email me at the above address.