Chapter 12
Mobile was pretty. The beach was white and empty due to the fact that it was around 5 in the morning. The ocean was by turns soothing then tumultuous once the waves hit. It reminded her of the man she loved. The man currently sleeping off some tampered Budweiser in the back of his own car. Jackie wanted nothing more than to join him in sleep. After convincing Jason to help her carry Steven to the car, lugging their bags, then driving all night –she was exhausted. But there was no rest for the wicked. So she sat on the beach and waited for Steven to wake up. He really should be up by now. She worried briefly that in her haste she had given him too much. But she was sure she hadn't. The guy at the drug store had given her specific directions. She had even asked about taking them with beer under the ruse that she was the one taking them and didn't want her cocktail with dinner to interfere. He had said as long as she had had only one drink that it should be harmless. So why wasn't Steven awake yet? Maybe he needed the sleep. They had had an adventurous summer. And for as much fun as they had had –they had had as many secret worries. She realized now that maybe they should have talked more about their problems. She worried now that ignoring them would cost them their future. Jackie had done a lot of thinking as she drove. The road was good for that. As a way to keep herself awake she played a game. For every flatbed truck she passed she would list an issue that her and Steven needed to resolve. It proved to be enlightening. She realized now that they didn't have that many. Just a few big ones that they were really good at manifesting in a million different ways. The main ones were 1. -she had forgiven Steven but he hadn't forgiven himself. And two – they both thought people were always going to leave them. Jackie always knew he had a problem with that –but it wasn't until she saw him packing that she knew she did as well. Her mom, her dad, Michael –they all left her and when she needed him the most Steven had almost done the same. They both needed to know that they would be there for each other. If he ever woke up she was going to tell him that.
"So the kidnappee has become the kidnapper?" Steven asked startling her as he walked up and sat beside her on the beach.
"Yeah I learned from the best" she tried to judge his mood but he had found his sunglasses and his stoic face.
"So this is what the ocean looks like?"
"You've never seen it before?"
"Edna and Bud -not much of beach bunnies."
God how were they ever going to overcome their pasts? She looked at him sideways and resisted the urge to take his hand. "Are you mad?"
He shrugged. Looked at her for a long time and then responded "I started it".
She laughed. At least he was joking –that had to be a good sign. "Steven I think I figured out why we can't stay happy."
He looked hesitant to start a discussion as usual but he didn't speak up or walk away.
"I haven't been honest with you"
That startled him. Now he looked worried. She rushed to continue, "I mean –I know I talk a lot. But I don't say what needs to be said. So I'm going to do that now. So please try to listen"
"Okay"
"I love you. I never stopped. And I think on some level I always did. You see back when I dated Michael (he blanched but she continued undeterred –no more avoiding) I always thought that if I willed it to be true love it would be. Like if I continued to forgive him and continued to tell myself I loved him then it would be real. But it didn't work. He would cheat on me and hurt me and eventually I couldn't even lie to myself anymore. I had to let him go. And that wasn't easy because I wanted it so badly. That thing that Donna and Eric have. But then when you and me happened I told myself I didn't want that. I wanted whatever you had to offer. Solace, passion but then I fell in love. And when you…." she began to tear up. This was so not easy. "when you cheated on me I told myself not to forgive you. I told myself not to love you. That you hurt me and what we had wasn't real. But then you kidnapped me. And the more time we spent together the more I realized that I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I couldn't let you go." She was crying hard now. Pleading with her eyes and her heartfelt story for him not to let go either.
"Jackie I don't …"he was going to cry too. God she had made Steven Hyde cry. "Jackie I don't deserve you".
She laughed and then grabbed him by a chunk of beard and pulled him too her. He took off his glasses and she saw the love in his eyes and the hope she was afraid he had lost. "Well it is a good thing that you don't have to. Don't you get it Steven –we don't have to fit. We don't have to deserve one another. We don't have to be perfect. All we have to be –is there for each other." He looked like he was trying to understand that. She smiled encouragingly.
"I don't understand why you want to be with me. I don't know why you love me. All I know is that I love you back".
"Then promise me. You won't leave me. And I'll promise you the same thing. And all we have to do is believe that."
She begged him to be able to do that. She closed her eyes and silently prayed that
she could as well. She didn't want any
more insecurity in their relationship.
No more closed hearts. She took
hold of his hands and willed him to feel the same.
He swallowed and she knew that whatever he said next could either mean ultimate
happiness or that they were back to square one.
"What if…what if I need more than blind faith?
She looked at him in confusion. What the hell was that supposed to mean?
+Note: What do you think? I think I may stop after the next chapter. I probably need to quit while I'm ahead.
