Chapter 18: Love Denied
I'm standing at the window in my rooms. Again. It seems like the best place to think. While my mind wanders, the thoughts are emphasized by sight of the quarter moon rising over the Forbidden Forest, its reflection glittering off the surface of the lake. It's untouchable beauty makes me want to cry, laugh, scream, hit something…someone. A vision of Snape shimmers into focus at this. If I hadn't made that promise to Dumbledore, I would have clocked the pompous git at dinner. I have had such difficulty holding down food lately and he just had to go and make things worse.
I hold my Puffskein to my chest, petting it gently as it makes the contented whirring noise. At least Lupin had enough decency to try and offer me aid. He told me about Sirius Black's rough time after escaping from Azkaban, how he'd tried to kill Pettigrew (the little rat), how Lupin and the rest of the wizarding world had suspected him of trying to kill Harry. How Snape had never liked any of them since their schooldays. Here, he didn't really explain why, and I could tell he was withholding a critical part of the story. But I figure I can find out from Snape, if I resist the urge to throw the worst body-binding curse ever on him.
You didn't promise Dumbledore you wouldn't curse Snape…just don't kill or horribly maim him… I push the thought away. It was wrong to put Dumbledore's trust to the test. Trust from a wizard as powerful as Dumbledore was something to be respected and not taken for granted. I sigh, thinking I must restrain my urges.
My thoughts return to Lupin's recount of Black's flight, his escape on Buckbeak the hippogriff, and his vigilant protection of his godson, Harry. He was currently going about the countryside in his Animagus form, collecting Dumbledore's old supporters, alerting them to Voldemort's return.
"He should be back in about a week or two." Lupin said, smiling slightly, "I think it would be interesting for you to meet him."
"Oh, so we can rehash the best torture techniques the dementors used?" I snapped before I could stop myself.
Lupin's smile faded, but I didn't apologize. I couldn't apologize and he didn't seem to expect one. "You know I didn't mean that."
I looked away. He touched my shoulder and I jerked away from the gentle contact. It didn't seem right to me.
"I can't profess to understand what you and Sirius endured in Azkaban, Alexander. But I do know what it is to suffer, either physically or emotionally…"
I stared at him hard, making his sentence trail off. "Everyone has suffered in their lifetime."
He left soon after that saying he was going to leave for Romania by the end of the week and should I wish to talk with him he would be around. I didn't reply.
"It's so difficult to talk to sympathetic people," I mutter into the soft fur of the Puffskein. It is so much easier to be with someone who isn't so compassionate. Once again my thoughts return to Snape. He has been one of the few people I've met since leaving Azkaban that hasn't given me a sad look as if I'm something to be pitied…and I have to admit…I'm grateful to him for that.
"Dammit!" I curse aloud, "God damn him!" I don't want to be grateful to anyone, because gratitude leaves you in debt to that person. I put the Puffskein on the bed and practically run from the room.
I don't know where I'm going, nor do I care. It is like when I ran away from Snape's kitchen that first time. I just need to run to escape my thoughts. Perhaps I do need to speak to someone. As I rush down the hallways and corridors something moves in the corner of my eye and I stop.
Snape is walking at a swift pace in the direction of Dumbledore's office, his black robes billowing around him. Not realizing what I'm doing, I follow as silently as I can at a safe distance. He stops in front of the stone gargoyle marking the entrance to the Headmaster's office and mutters, "Fizzing Whizzbees."
I wait until the gargoyle has closed behind Snape before walking up to it myself and repeating the password. I ride the spiraling staircase to the top of the tower and stop behind the closed oak door. Inside I can hear Snape saying something in a low voice to Dumbledore.
"Are you certain you must go, Severus?" Dumbledore's voice sounds concerned.
"It is absolutely necessary. The Master has called his servants to him." Snape's voice is bitter and slightly strained.
"I wish you didn't have to."
"Don't you think I wish the same?" Snape mutters. "But I think of it more as…a rightful punishment for my blindness all those years ago."
"Severus, people are not punished for blindness or ignorance." Dumbledore says, and I can hear sharpness in his voice.
"Whatever the case may be," Snape continues, "I have much to explain to the Dark Lord. He will be very displeased by the way I acted in Azkaban." Is it my imagination, or do I hear fear? I lean closer to the door, intent on catching every nuance of the conversation. "I acted without thinking. I should have known better than interfere."
"Yet you did, and you saved a man's life." Dumbledore's voice is gentler now.
There is a pause and Snape says, "One life compared to thousands is nothing. If I am killed for this, think of how many more will die because I am not able to inform you of what Voldemort is planning next. Such a waste."
My hands clench into fists at this. A waste? My life is a waste? How dare he! But then I think on what he meant and it hits me that he really is worried about all of those who could fall under Voldemort.
"I must be going now; Lord Voldemort doesn't appreciate it when we are late." There's a rustling of robes and I realize that should he come out he would find me here, listening in on what is mean to be a very private conversation. I search around frantically for somewhere to conceal myself, but not opportunity presents itself.
"Why don't you use Floo from here to the Three Broomsticks, and you can apparate from Hogsmeade?" Dumbledore's voice stops my frenzied search.
"Very well, Professor."
I slump against the wall, breathing a sigh of relief. I hear the flames in the room roar up, indicating the powder had been thrown on them.
"Albus?"
"Yes, Severus?"
"Before I go…should something happen to me…promise you'll let nothing harm him."
"Him? Harry?" Dumbledore's voice sounds politely confused.
"I already know you'll let nothing happen to Potter," Snape's voice is sharp, but it softens immediately, "I meant…Alexander."
"I would protect him with my life if I needed to." Dumbledore proclaims.
Before Snape's voice calls, "Three Broomsticks," I hear him murmur, "As would I."
I lean against the wall, my mind reeling. Snape, protect me? Through my shock I barely register Dumbledore calling out, "You can come in now, Professor Burdock."
I open the door slowly, peering into the room. Dumbledore's standing in front of the fireplace, hands clasped behind his back, watching the vividly purple flames slowly return to their original color. He looks around at me and I nearly run from the room at the sadness I see in his bright blue eyes.
"You heard?" He asks.
"Everything." I say, steeling myself against the open sorrow in his face. "Is it a Death Eater meeting?"
"Yes." Dumbledore is silent for a moment. "I am afraid that he might not return from this one. Of course, I feel this way every time he leaves."
"The dangers of being a spy." I murmur, not knowing what Dumbledore expects to hear from me. But it seems to be the right thing and he nods, returning his gaze to the fire. There is a complete silence, the crackling of the flames the only sound in the room.
I begin to drift in the silence, once
again getting lost in thought, so that Dumbledore's next comment startles me.
"The dangers of loving others are
just as great."
"Sir?"
Dumbledore looks at me. "You are well aware of the pains that come from losing someone cherished."
"I am." I murmur, looking away from his piercing gaze. "I don't intend on letting anyone become as close to me…anyone I ever loved has only suffered because of my love." I shut my mouth, incredulous that I had actually spoken those words aloud.
"Loving might be a mistake." Dumbledore says softly, "But wouldn't you say it's a mistake worth making?"(1)
I lower my head. "I seriously doubt it."
Dumbledore sighs, looking back at the dancing flames. "I was afraid you might say that."
(1) Idea from the Lee Ann Womack song, "I Hope You Dance"
A/N: So sappy, I know. But I felt like we hadn't been in Alexander's mind for a while. This chapter made me feel depressed, and I was the one writing it. How sad is that? Oh well, chapter 19 will be up soon, and more things will happen.
Goody goody.
What is he doing back here?
Er…don't pay attention to the man behind the screen…I have no intention of doing that; now get out of here before I sic Heero Yuy on you. (GW fans will understand this. ^_^)
Heero: Omae o korosu.
Okay, okay, I'm leaving.
Heero: Baka.
