Disclaimer: FF7 belongs to Squaresoft. And if I could buy it, I would only be able to buy the game and stocks (most likely).

Author notes: AU (cos it contains the past Vincent and a Cid, and then talks about the Vamp Vincent.and a still-young Cid Oo; Plot holes, don't ask). Um.also, OOC, lots of it, on Vincent's part anyway, Cid should be okay. ~~

Part I: Stuck in a hot pit of hellish Torture

The sun was shining down on him, his rent-a-car's slightly chipped red paint now looked almost immaculate in the natural light and the wind was tossing about his short black hair in a playful manner.

Translation: The sun was beating down on him like many hammers of heat, his car's paint was reflecting the light and blinding him if he ever happened to GLANCE in it's direction and the wind was whipping sand through his hair and stinging his face.

In short, Vincent Valentine was not very happy.

"GAH!" Came his shout of anger.

*Clunk!* Said the abused metal.

"AAH!" Yelped the Turk, hopping around on one foot while attempting to massage his offended foot through his shoe.

And now, to add to his growing list of pains and sufferings, his foot throbbed painfully in time with his heartbeat and his rent-a-car now had a little dent in it. Gah, he was probably going to get charged for that. Future note #459: Unless body part is metal (or something as equally hard and unforgiving), do not attempt to attack hard objects when afore- mentioned body parts are only "protected" by leather.

Vincent, now done with his attempt of soothing his pains (or, at least, one of them), he put his mind back on track. His main problem, his numero uno.um. Whatever language THAT was, he just ran out of words for it. Ah, he was digressing again.

Anyway, what was thinking about?

Oh yes, his problem.

His car broke down. In the middle of nowhere. And it just so happened that this "middle of nowhere" had no trees or any vegetation (minus the random cactar that loved to pop up from under him and scare him shitless) and thus did not protect him from the harsh sun and rough terrain. Did he mention that he was stuck in a desert? Did he mention his car broke down? Would you like to know why it broke down? "IT OVER HEATED!"

Yes, there was your answer. No surprise though, since he WAS in a desert. Crap, now he couldn't stop the wedding and now, now.

"Lucrecia."

Okay, okay Vincent, you're doing fine. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry-

"I'm NOT crying." The irritated Turk yelled at the sky.

Immediately, a spiky green plant popped up from underneath him-kicking up sand as it came out-and stared at him before taking off in the opposite direction.

Yelping his surprise, Vincent promptly staggered back before his injured foot got in the way of his good one and tripped him, causing him to land neatly on his ass. Fighting the urge to yell out again (for dignities sake and to save him from being frightened by yet another cactar), he finally began to apply his Turk training to figure a way out of this horrendous situation.

So, he was stuck in desert, his car had broken down due to the excessive heat, he had no water or coolant of any kind and he was injured.

What are the first steps you should take to insure your survival?

Vincent thought, and he thought long and hard. Obviously taking aggressive action wouldn't get him anywhere (except, maybe killed. You never know how cactar would react to gunshots) and he wasn't stuck in a losing fight so strategy wouldn't be very helpful either. Vincent thought, and he thought loooong and hard.

Sadly, he came up with a blank.

Frustration and aggravation (which is actually the same thing) boiled his blood but he managed to calm himself before HE overheated. Heck, he didn't want to end up like his car. It looked pretty sad sitting there in the sand, red paint glinting (blindingly) in the sunlight and it's grey chips showing like angry wounds along the body. Its hood was popped open (after much screaming from him, which lead to future note #458: don't touch overheated metal with your bare hands, duh) and steam was still steadily pouring out of the engine. Okay, except the steam was now coming out in wisps instead of clouds; but still, steady stream.

Ack, he was digressing again.

Okay, let's take this step-by-step. Step one, open your eyes and take stock of your surroundings. Obediently, Vincent widened his eyes and began to look around, trying to find a sign or even a clear road that suggested civilization nearby. Instead, he found something better: "Highwind's Mechanic Shop."

Oh gods, was he just standing around for hours on end screaming to the heavens when there was a mechanics shop nearby? Someone hated him, or just wanted to see him make a foot out of himself for their amusement.

With a sigh, Vincent began to trudge through the sand, aware that his new shoes were now gritty, his once spiffy suit now not so.spiffy, and his hair a mess. Letting out another sigh, the Turk began to feel sorry for himself. First, he lost Lucrecia to the freakish, hump-backed scientist named Hojo (more like Hobo), then his car broke down in a crappy desert, and now, he looked like Palmer run over by a truck.

Okay, not as bad as Palmer. Maybe a rat.

While he complained to himself while he walked, Vincent failed to notice the little stub of green and prickles sticking up in the sand before it was too late. The only coherent thought that was allowed to run through his head was: "Hey, the ground is actually solid here, did I-" He was about to think "find something?" but the cactar that popped out from the sand, screaming shrilly in annoyance, stopped his train of thought directly in its tracks and sent it shooting backwards.

Once again, Vincent fell on his arse (with a strong sense of dejavu), frozen for a moment before he began fumbling for his gun. Surprisingly, the monster plant didn't run off, instead, it posed a stiff fighting stance and prepared to spray him with its needles. Too late did Vincent realize that he was missing his gun (he had thought it would be inappropriate to crash a wedding AND bring a weapon) and it was just pure luck that was able to bring his arms up in time to fend off some of the dangerous quills.

Helpless and not exactly willing to try to tackle a pincushion, Vincent sat with his arms covering his face (and his suit covering his arms, which actually helped quite a bit) and obediently took the punishment with only a few winces and a number of ouches as some of the needles struck home.

Finally, the stupid vegetable was satisfied with its spray job and took off in the opposite direction, screaming shrilly again and probably throwing insults at the wounded Turk. Now, Vincent was sure he could never look at greens on his dinner without giving it a once over.

Sighing with annoyance, but not about to give up (since the shop was about five feet away now), Vincent stumbled doggedly on.

Somewhere in the future, Vincent will discover that this particular patch of desert was never named or even labeled on a map. So, while riding on the Highwind, he was able to snitch Cid's map and label-- with a big ass, red dot-- the desert as: The Hot Pit of Hellish Torture.

~~

IOkay, so Vincent is a bit of a wuss and not really "Turk" standards in this story. Don't hurt me (T.T). It's humour, please, have mercy XD Anyway, next chappie is with Cid! Yay, look forward to his swearing power!

Will Vincent ever get to Cid's mechanics shop alive?

Will the offending Cactar come back and finish the job?

Does Vince look like a pincushion now?

Will Cid think that Vincent is drop dead gorgeous once he enters the shop?

Will the author ever shut up?

Well, the last one I can answer, but the rest are plot holes XDI