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Part Four: Disenchantment

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Neo had lost track of the time. It had been months, but it might as well have been decades. He used to wonder what would happen to him if he ever lost her. He used to be certain that he would just cease to function. Well, that had turned out to be almost true.

He ate. He slept. If Brink wanted to sleep next to him he would let her. He would even give her sex if she wanted that. But he could never make her happy. She wanted his love, his devotion. His companionship. And, aside from being a warm body next to hers, those were things that he simply could not give her. And she knew that, deep down.

She was using him, in a way. And he was using her. It was like an unspoken mutual agreement. Neo couldn't promise her that if another woman asked for a warm body he wouldn't accept. And Brink couldn't promise him that she would confine herself to his bed.

They weren't the only ones who were like that. Everyone knew that Morpheus and Niobe and sought comfort in each other and resumed their former roles as lovers. Although, of course, they didn't think of it that way. No one did, here in their little nameless community. When offers came, you took them. And at the end of the day, if you happened to be in bed with someone else by that time, then the events of that day were simply not discussed.

If the people of Zion had had a casual attitude towards sex, then Neo thought of the attitude toward it here as almost non-existent. It was remarkably un-special; it simply happened. It was a natural function, almost like using the bathroom. No pleasure, no pain. Just the basics.

They had not heard exactly when Zion had fallen. They had not cared. Neo in particular felt like an undeserving escapee from the slaughter. But he wasn't the only one that felt that way. They had had two suicides.

Neo had been right there the first time. When Link, wrought with guilt, had simply walked over the edge of the pier as if he was just going for an everyday stroll. Neo could have stopped him. But he didn't let himself. His mind told him that that would have been cruel. He had thought that maybe, just maybe, Link would be happier now. Happier than him. And he did not want to deny him that luxury.

The second time, Neo had only heard stories. A man whose name he had never bothered to learn had jumped over the edge of the same pier. People said he went crazy from the boredom. He'd always looked as though he wished someone would remember his name.

Neo couldn't blame him. The days were completely monotonous. Neo entertained himself with thoughts. Sometimes he thought of his old life in the Matrix. He smiled as he remembered what a geek Thomas A. Anderson was and smiled even wider when he remembered that he was still a geek. Neo liked to think of himself that way. Especially now. Felt natural.

Sometimes he thought of life aboard the Neb. He thought about the confusion and anger when he was first unplugged. He thought about the realization that his entire life had been a lie. He thought about realizing the was The One. How happy he had been then, in that moment. Confused as hell, but happy. The fucking One. Imagine.

And that led to thinking about Trinity. The pure lust he had felt when he first saw her in the club. The panic when he saw her going down with that helicopter. The joy when he first realized that she loved him and wanted him as much as he wanted her.

Neo didn't let himself think about Trinity very much. No, that would make him absolutely lose his sanity. Thoughts about Trinity were like little treats he would throw himself if he had been good for a while.

And now he was thinking about her in the one place, in the one time, that it would cause the most trouble.

During sex.

The memories came flooding in and Neo could not stop them. Despite his sincerest efforts, he was thinking of Trinity's feel, her very essence. The way her skin felt so much softer than everyone else's under his touch. The way she would make quiet, almost inaudible sounds when he ran his hands along that smooth skin. The sensation of her hair brushing against his neck and shoulders. The way he ran his fingers through it. The bizarre feeling of kissing her chest plugs, like liquid metal. Neo could not help thinking about the way they seemed to meld into a single person or the way her kisses were deep and searing.

He couldn't help it. The room was dark for once. It was so easy to imagine. Not really pretend. Brink was so different, how could he pretend? But he could imagine.

And he could remember.

It was heaven that first time, pure heaven. In her cabin in Zion. It felt like they were escaping the cold that first time. Like they were the only ones who were warm that night. Looking into her eyes, Neo could see the love. The desire. It made him feel wonderful, because he was certain that the same look was in his eyes.

Hearing her voice quietly moan his name was indescribably magnificent.

And he moaned hers.

"Fuck you!"

Neo shook himself out of him reverie. "What?"

"I said fuck you, Neo! I thought that for once you were enjoying being with me, and you go off on some shit about Trinity! Who the hell is Trinity?"

Neo cursed himself silently. Why would fucking go and do something like that?

"Brink," he started. "I'm sorry."

She was already up and dressed. "It's not like we're some couple or something, but I thought you were decent, you know." She said the word couple venomously.

Neo couldn't argue with her. It wasn't a decent thing to moan someone else's name during sex. But he wouldn't stop her from leaving. It was probably best that she left.

Neo stood up and got dressed hurriedly, trying to say out of Brink's sight.

"Who's Trinity?" Brink asked quietly.

"An old friend."

Brink smirked. "Friend or girlfriend?"

"Girlfriend," Neo answered harshly, walking towards Brink. "She's dead now." The words caused tears to sting in his eyes. He surprised himself by saying them.

Brink rolled her eyes. "Still pining over some dead girlfriend."

Neo snapped. Something inside him just went off. His hand connected with Brink's cheek. Hard. Christ, he hadn't even really meant to. It was an almost unconscious reaction."

Neo drew back, appalled. Suddenly he was smacking people who insulted Trinity.

"Fuck. I'm sorry." Brink was already out the door. Long gone. Neo knew she wouldn't be back.

Neo walked out the door. And he kept walking. This wasn't right. This didn't even feel real. Neo reached the pier.

For a short-lived moment he considered going off the edge of that pier. But then he knew he couldn't. Shouldn't. There was something else out there, there had to be. He was sick and fucking tired of this. Tired of this shit. Neo wished he could have caught Trinity in his arms and held her and saved her. And skipped all this. It disgusted him that these were the people he had chosen over Trinity. Trinity that he loved and wanted and needed.

Neo leaned closer to the edge of the pier. And then he did something that he'd never expected to do. Something that he had really never done before. Something that had been boiling up inside of him.

He screamed.

It was a low, bellowing scream. All the pain and confusion and sadness and remorse poured out all over the ledges of that pier. It echoed across the whole area. Neo saw several people walk out of their houses and gawk at him.

He didn't look back. And he didn't say goodbye. Not to Morpheus, not to anyone. He turned in the opposite direction and started walking.

To be continued.

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A/N:

This has gone off in an interesting direction. The conclusion might be further away than I thought.

Reviews are welcomed and appreciated, of course.

Hey, you, kid. I told you to hit the back button.