The Difference Between

Author: Kaia Mariacle

Disclaimer: They're not mine, but a girl can dream.

Rating: PG-13

Category: Jackie/Hyde; Post -Nobody's Fault But Mine

Summary: The difference between.

Author's Notes: I posted this on the J/H yahoogroup a while ago, and then I thought to myself, "Now, why don't you go post in your livejournal?" So, I procrastinated, and finally got around to doing it. So, this one's for all my fellow J/H fans.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Sometimes I ask myself why it was so easy before.



When Michael cheated on me I'd sit in my room, and write furiously in my journal. About how much I hated him, about how I'd never take him back. About how much he sucked, and that one day I'd be a rich model, and he'd cry every time he saw me on the cover of a magazine.



Then I'd forgive him. Take him back because I thought what we had was true love. The stuff of dreams and movies and wishes. I though that Michael was the one for me, the only one, and if I didn't take him back, I'd never find anyone else.



Then I found someone else.



Steven was everything I never wanted, and more than I could hope for.



Sure, he made jokes, and laughed at me, and told me I was a spoiled little princess. He harassed my unicorns, and snickered when I talked about what a great band Abba was, and looked horrified when I made him take me dancing.



But he was also a rock during hard times. Someone who would hold me, even when he didn't know the words that would make it all better. He was my safety net. When I fell he caught me, brushed me off, and joked about how horrible my hair looked.



I knew it was good with him, when our 'fling' was flung out the window and became a real relationship.

I expected to care for him, but I never thought he'd make me feel more than that. I guess that's why it hurts so much this time.



I can't write in my journal making angry notes about him. Telling myself that he's going to be so sorry one day. There won't be pages and pages of how much I hate him.



I can't do anything but sit here in a room that's not even mine.



I'm numb.



I didn't expect this. I couldn't believe it when I found out. It was like my heart broke, I could feel the jagged pieces drift to the floor under Steven's feet. My head was pounding, thumping -as if in denial of what it had heard.



When I got back here, I collapsed, sobbing into my pillow. Now I'm sitting in the dark, and I can't do anything but stare at the wall.



I feel helpless, hopeless. Lost completely.



My rock's not here to lean against. My safety net isn't here to catch me. I have nothing to soften this blow. I'm still back in his car, still staring at him, still feeling myself fall away.



I forgave Michael for so many things. Lying, cheating, treating me like crap.



But I can't forgive Steven.



I love him too much.





~Finis~