Perfect Beauty
Chapter 8
Silence hung heavy in the train car as Heero gazed aimlessly out the window at the passing scenery. Numerous thoughts lingered through his mind, many of them focusing on the sleeping girl across from him. 'Wish she would have told me about that ankle, it wouldn't have been a big deal, but I wonder why she didn't tell me? Is it because she doesn't want me to think of her as weak or is it something else? Damn that girl, she confuses the hell out of me,' those being only a few of the thoughts running through Heero's head. Heero then recalled the night before and how Kanani's stubbornness had left him with another battle to fight within himself.
He had caught her in his arms to prevent her from falling, she was too stubborn to ask for help even though the pain was clearly visible on her face. He gently turned her around in his arms to ask her if she was ok, then he saw the look in her eyes soften. It was not the same defiant look he had seen only moments before when he offered her help, it was something completely different. Her deep emerald eyes seem to capture his gaze, the depths of everlasting green causing him to lose all rational thought. Her features were gentle and her skin had a subtle glow emanating from it. He just wanted to reach out and touch her, to gently run his hand across her face and to glide his hands through her long ruby hair, all the while inhaling its intoxicating perfume. However, before he could have any future thought, a voice inside told him to stop. 'Don't be blinded by your emotions, they will only bring you trouble,' the voice resonated within his mind continuously. She then caught him off guard and played upon his thoughts and brought her hand up to brush the hair way from his eyes . As she brought her hand back down, the backside of her fingers caressed his skin ever so gently. The soft touch upon his face had sent a burning sensation throughout his body. He wanted to react to her touch, to return the feelings she had obviously shown to him.
'Does she really care about me?' Heero thought and then remembered all of the times they had spent with each other, all of the memories they shared within such a short period of time. He remembered the simple gestures of kindness that she always bestowed upon him, they were always so subtle but he knew what they were. Then there were all of the times when she would pour her soul out to him and weep continuously on to his chest, putting her full faith and trust in him. No matter how hard he tried not to, she always seemed to make him smile, even though sometimes he would never show it. For some reason, he always felt better around her, like he belonged. For the first time in his life he felt something for someone, now if only he could figure out what it was. 'Do I care about her?'
Heero sighed and opened his eyes and continued looking back out the window, hoping to find some answers. That little voice in his head kept speaking to him, telling him what he was thinking and doing was not right. 'Why is it so wrong to feel this way? I know I must protect her but is that all this will ever be? No, it has to be more than that, it just has to be. I wish this wasn't so confusing,' Heero thought. He then heard a slight rustling sound beside him. Kanani was trembling in her sleep her face grimacing slightly, she was having another one of her nightmares. 'She doesn't deserve this, all of this pain and suffering, hasn't she had enough? Why can't she just live a normal life?'
Heero got up and sat beside her. He gently put her head in his lap and put his arm around her to comfort her. Her trembling slowly stopped and her face softened back up as he tenderly stroked her hair. He gently brushed a few strands of hair away from her face and tucked them behind her ear. As he looked at her, he felt a strange feeling well up inside him, a burning sensation residing in the pit of his stomach. Without giving it an ounce of rational thought, he slowly closed his eyes and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, his lips meeting her skin with such care. Kanani remained unfazed as she continued to sleep soundly, Heero on the other hand, experienced something much more. The burning feeling inside him only seemed to grow stronger when his lips met her skin, like adding more fuel to the fire.
At that moment in time, Heero finally realized the true depths of his emotions deep within. He looked down at her and smiled slightly. 'I guess I never did lose my emotions. They were just locked away for so long and I could never seem to find the key, I just didn't know what to look for. But now, I think I have found that key, it is in her. I do care about her,' Heero concluded for he was finally able to sort out his true feelings for Kanani.
Heero leaned his head back up against the wall of the car as he looked back out the window, a small smile spread across his lips. Hours passed by as he continued to stare blankly out the window, Kanani still fast asleep within his arms. He then felt a sudden movement in his lap as Kanani's head turned upward to face him. "How long was I asleep?" she said as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes.
"About 3 hours. Feel better?"
"Much. Besides having a bad dream, I feel fine. The strange thing about it all was the fact that right during the middle of my dream, a bright light came and washed away the horror and left me with a feeling of warmth and ease. It was really strange," she said in a daze. Heero's heart jumped slightly as he realized what might have happened. "Heero, I know this may sound out of the blue, but would you ever risk your life for me?"
"Of course, it's my job," he said bluntly.
"Oh, I see," she replied rather sadly as she turned her head sideways away from him. Heero noticed the sudden change in tone and looked down at her. "I don't want you to put your life in the way of mine," she said just above a whisper.
"Kanani, that is my choice, nothing you say or do will change my mind," he replied.
She turned her head back up to face him. "Heero, your life is just as valuable as mine. There is no reason to put your life ahead of mine when yours is just as precious." She then gently put her hand on his face and said, "You deserve a chance to start over Heero, please don't throw your life away because of me. If I die, then so be it, lead your life as if it never happened, that is the way one must live."
Heero couldn't believe what he was hearing. 'Does she care so much about me that she would put her own life before mine?' Heero thought as he listened to her words. He then placed his hand on top of hers and replied, "Why risk your life for mine when you have a father who loves you and a place to return home to? I have nothing to go back to."
Kanani smiled and ran her hand through his unruly hair and said, "If it matters at all, I will always be here for you to come back to."
Heero just smiled and replied, "Well I guess that's better than nothing."
"Oh, I see how it is," she retorted sarcastically.
Heero chuckled and carefully brought his hand up to her face and smoothed a few strands of hairs behind her ears. He looked her tenderly in the eyes and in a faint voice he told her, "Of course it matters."
Kanani smiled and sat up slightly nestling her head up against his chest. Heero casually wrapped his arms around her and held her closely. Heero rested his chin delicately upon her head as he breathed in the intoxicating scent of vanilla emanating from her hair. Heero then closed his eyes in contentment. 'Will he be nothing more than a body guard to me?' Kanani thought as she looked up from the corner of her eye at him. 'I care so much about him but am I just a job to him? It feels as if something is there but I'm not sure of what to make of it. He's so gentle with me but then sometimes he's all duty. I wish I knew what going on in that head of his but reading his mind would be an invasion of his privacy, I could never do that to him. God this is all so confusing.'
As sweet silence ensued them, Heero suddenly felt her eyes upon him and looked back down at her. "Is something the matter?" Heero inquired at the curious eyes below him.
"Heero, why this job when you could have just as easily started over with your life?"
"To be honest, it's the only thing I really know how to do."
"What are you going to do when this is all over? You can't protect me all of your life you know."
"Hn," Heero grunted with a rather disappointed look on his face
"What is that supposed to mean?" Kanani responded to Heero's very short yet meaningless reply.
"I'll protect you as long as I have to and when it's all over, I will leave you be," Heero stated dryly.
"That's not what I meant Heero," Kanani said as she gently placed her hand on his. 'Does he think I don't want him around anymore? Oh man, I think I hurt his feelings, damn it Kanani, you did it this time,' she mentally cursed herself.
Heero knew she was right though, he couldn't protect her all of his life, eventually this will all be over and he would be back at square one. After guaranteeing her safety for life, she would be off on her way and he would become a wonderer once again. Heero sighed and looked down into Kanani's pleading eyes. "I'm sorry. I know I can't protect you all of my life but if I have to, I will," Heero stated plainly.
Without thinking about her next words, Kanani sighed softly and said just above a whisper, "I guess this is all it will ever be."
Kanani didn't know she said those words out loud, they were so faint that she thought they were just in her mind. Little did she know, Heero heard her almost inaudible words. At first he didn't know what they meant, he thought she was just thinking out loud to herself. Then he thought about her words carefully and the light bulb finally went on in his head. 'She does care about me, but she probably thinks that this will just be another job to me, that she's just another one of my missions. Damn it, I really screwed up this time. Now that I have finally come to terms with my feelings for the first time in my life, I botch up everything. I have to let her know how feel, but how?' Heero thought as he looked down at her, she had fallen asleep once again. 'Guess I will have to wait to tell her,' he thought as he shut his eyes once again.
