A/N: This will NOT be the normal Lana, so please don't yell at me. This is Lana as I think that she really is, or would be if I owned this show.
Lana POV
To those who may read this diary,
Alright, I am finally tired of hiding my feelings, I have been hurt, suffered, changed, and caused others to hurt, and to suffer. I won't justify it, because it was necessary for my happiness, and I really can't be bothered to care any more than that.
I suppose I should explain why I changed. I just can't though. Something happened that I didn't understand. One morning I woke up and…well, it just didn't fit anymore. My life didn't fit me anymore, so…well, I'll explain later.
Nell had moved with her hubby, and I had been stuck with the Sullivans for over half a year. I don't mean to be rude to them or anything, I use the word 'stuck' in the most pleasant terms possible, but that's what I was. Stuck. Left in Smallville because I thought that if I stayed I could get the one man that I could never have. The one man that would make it alright.
I envisioned myself falling into his arms and his stroking my hair, and he would just tell me I was the most precious thing in the world, that I was his life. It never does happen that way though, at least not the way you'd think. I watched too many classic movies, the ones with Cary Grant and his beautiful costars, the ones that just lit up the screen and people would say, 'She was the most beautiful lady I'd ever saw.' Those movies, the man and woman would go through hard times, but in the end, they'd always end up together, because they loved each other.
I'd always been a romantic, maybe that was why I never left Whitney until he left me. He never meant to leave me, but he did, even when I broke up with him, I'd always thought he'd come back, and everything would just be… fine. Normal. That's what I always wanted. In the end he left me, went and got hisself blown up he did. I've never forgiven him for that. I never will, I can't.
I had never been the one to leave because it had been just like my favorite movie, To Catch a Thief. I was "John Robie," the notorious cat burglar. I never did steal anything-except hearts I guess. I was the handsomest man, well let's switch this okay-I was the prettiest lady in the movie. I had two men after me, the handsome all-American football player, and the childish farm boy, almost perfect in everyway, or so he seemed. I wanted the football player, I promise I did, but I liked to be adored, not always by dependable Whitney, but sometimes by the other, the more secretive, the mystery that was Mr. Clark Kent.
I knew that as soon as I walked into the Sullivan home that I shoulda stop playin those games, the ones with Clark's mind. I knew that shouldn't do that, not when Chloe was so obvious about her feelings for Clark. That fact alone should have stopped me. She was my friend, I shouldn't backstab her… Has anyone noticed all the 'should's? Well, I did, Chloe did too. She saw through me, she saw that I didn't really care for Clark, that Whitney was my one and only, to quote Never Been Kissed, my "penguin." She knew all that, but she also knew that no matter how many times she could tell Clark, at the end of the day, it'd still be the same, her aching after Clark, Clark aching after me, and me safe and happy in the arms of Whitney Foreman, apparently oblivious to it all. Oh how I had admired Chloe, she was the perky one, the happy one, whose only problem was that of Mr. Kent. She knew how much telling him her feelings would have hurt him, so she didn't. Even when I would have, she didn't, I think she loved him. She loved him, and I couldn't resist messing it up.
When I was first starting to change, even without my knowing it, I started to flirt with Clark. I knew it was wrong, so I acted oblivious to the OBVIOUS fact that…SURPRISE…Clark Kent has the hugest crush on the perfect Miss Lana Lang. I knew he liked me, and I have to confess I liked that he did. I would wait till Whitney wasn't around, and then I pretended to be semi attracted to him, but not enough to leave Whitney. Honestly the truth is that I was annoyed by his 'cuteness', his inexperience. I mean what is up with a GUY blushing at the subtle hints I was giving him. ALL other guys would have been all over me after that, actually chances are that the GUY would have been saying the things that I had to say to Clark, yet here I was.
After that I decided I would have to hurt him, I wasn't going to live with his contentment, not when I wasn't myself. Unfortunately I knew that it would mean hurting Chloe. Funny thing is as I spent my time trying to ruin someone else's life, I ended up playing matchmaker. By my actions, Chloe and Pete were pushed together. They only had each other to lean on, so they spent more time together until it wound up being something more. That made me really happy, that though I couldn't be happy, I could at least help someone, because I resolved that with Chloe and Pete my "debt to society" was finished, it was paid. I could now freely go about ruining people's lives without feeling guilty, at least not until the wee hours of the morning when I wake up feeling a little empty, a little lost, a little dead. I feel like that more and more often. It started out being just once or twice a month, and now it's an every night thing. That's why I started this diary, I figured that I could write everything out and then burn and be able to sleep at night, it's worse those nights I wake up in someone else's bed, I lay there listening to someone else's breathing and can't help but feel that it should be Whitney, that it is him, that he's here. I must be crazy, I never felt like this with my parents, they were always at their graves, and I could hear them and talk to them, but they weren't ever with me, where ever I was. Haunting me.
I have started to differ away from the Lana I was with him, with Whitney, trying to get him to leave me alone. I wear black, Clark likes black, my soul is black, it works. I think that though I know I don't like Clark as anything more than a piece of butt, I am becoming dependent on him. What ever individuality I had with Whitney is gone, Clark is the "sun" what ever he says goes. I find myself bending over too often for him. I had a fight with him last night. I came home and cried, my heart was wrenching, it was protesting to the thing I had become, the thing I am. I sobbed so loud I thought the whole world would hear, I couldn't help but wish that the world would hear, that some one would come and save me. No one has and I have given up hope in miracles. Oh how I wish I was Chloe, funny thing is that she used to tell me that she wished to be me, now the tables have turned and I have sold out and Chloe is still untainted, and I am jaded.
A/N: Hopefully you enjoyed that, and it's a helpful look into the whole Lana aspect of the story. Next it will be Clark, but don't expect an insight into the Clark Kent mystery. He's the guy, and won't share with anyone most things. This is a typical guy thing right? LoL. Then it will just be story, though from the Chloe view. Will update soon.
