~*~
He had sat for hours in the garden under a tree and had meditated. He couldn't belief that he had lost his control like this. The only other time, had been after Tahl`s death.
His Padawans words had hit him deeply and all the painful memories had come rushing back to him. But that was no excuse for his behaviour. As master it was his duty, to show the Padawan his failures and help him without judging him. He had to do this objectively. But Obi-Wan meant to much to him, as not to put his heart in this matter; to do it objectively. He felt like a father, who cared about the future of his son. It would be horrible to see Obi-Wan fail. But to lose him, would be unbearable.
With this thoughts and with a heave heart, he hesitated, before he opened the door to their shared quarters.
A icy silence filled the apartment.
"Obi-Wan?", he said quietly. But there was no response. Slowly, he went to Obi-Wan`s room and knocked on the door. When he again, got no response, he opened the door. But the room was empty.
Frowning he searched in the refresher and the kitchen.
He surly need some space, Qui-Gon thought, as he plumped in a seat, with a sigh. Who can blame him for that?!
But now he noted a datapad, lying alone on the couch-table. Again he frowned and picked it up. With a feeling of uneasiness, he called up the last entry.
"I 'm so sorry for everything.
I' 'm sorry for my behaviour.
I 'm sorry for saying all this lies to you.
I 'm sorry for what I've done to you on Melida/Daan.
I 'm sorry that I didn't prove myself trustworthy after that.
I 'm sorry that you had to look out on every clumsy step of me.
I 'm so very sorry, that you couldn't rescue Tahl in time, because of me.
I 'm sorry that I weren't a better Padawan.
I 'm sorry, that I 'm unworthy.
I 'm just so very sorry for everything.
You were right, when you refused me in the first place. You mustn't had changed you opinion. You were right.
It would have been better, if I had become a farmer!
I 'm grateful, that you tried it anyway. I 'm grateful for every time you stand by my side and backed me. I 'm grateful, that I was allowed to know, how it feels like having a father.
But it's better for all, when I leave the order now. I already brought to much shame over the temple and over you. I have no right to stay here any longer. No right to stay at your side.
You' re already gone trough so much and I only made it worse.
I wish, that you will finally find someone, who is worthy to be your Padawan. I wish that you will finally find some peace.
And I hope, that you can forgive me someday."
"Oh force," Qui-Gon whispered heartbroken in the silence. "He is gone. He left." Trough tear-drenched eyes, he looked at the datapad in his trembling hand. "Why didn't I see, that he blames himself for everything?" Tears glided down his cheeks, when the shoulders of the big man started to shake, as he tried to get his emotions under control. "And I gave him more feelings of guilt!", he whispered with choking voice.
He had sat for hours in the garden under a tree and had meditated. He couldn't belief that he had lost his control like this. The only other time, had been after Tahl`s death.
His Padawans words had hit him deeply and all the painful memories had come rushing back to him. But that was no excuse for his behaviour. As master it was his duty, to show the Padawan his failures and help him without judging him. He had to do this objectively. But Obi-Wan meant to much to him, as not to put his heart in this matter; to do it objectively. He felt like a father, who cared about the future of his son. It would be horrible to see Obi-Wan fail. But to lose him, would be unbearable.
With this thoughts and with a heave heart, he hesitated, before he opened the door to their shared quarters.
A icy silence filled the apartment.
"Obi-Wan?", he said quietly. But there was no response. Slowly, he went to Obi-Wan`s room and knocked on the door. When he again, got no response, he opened the door. But the room was empty.
Frowning he searched in the refresher and the kitchen.
He surly need some space, Qui-Gon thought, as he plumped in a seat, with a sigh. Who can blame him for that?!
But now he noted a datapad, lying alone on the couch-table. Again he frowned and picked it up. With a feeling of uneasiness, he called up the last entry.
"I 'm so sorry for everything.
I' 'm sorry for my behaviour.
I 'm sorry for saying all this lies to you.
I 'm sorry for what I've done to you on Melida/Daan.
I 'm sorry that I didn't prove myself trustworthy after that.
I 'm sorry that you had to look out on every clumsy step of me.
I 'm so very sorry, that you couldn't rescue Tahl in time, because of me.
I 'm sorry that I weren't a better Padawan.
I 'm sorry, that I 'm unworthy.
I 'm just so very sorry for everything.
You were right, when you refused me in the first place. You mustn't had changed you opinion. You were right.
It would have been better, if I had become a farmer!
I 'm grateful, that you tried it anyway. I 'm grateful for every time you stand by my side and backed me. I 'm grateful, that I was allowed to know, how it feels like having a father.
But it's better for all, when I leave the order now. I already brought to much shame over the temple and over you. I have no right to stay here any longer. No right to stay at your side.
You' re already gone trough so much and I only made it worse.
I wish, that you will finally find someone, who is worthy to be your Padawan. I wish that you will finally find some peace.
And I hope, that you can forgive me someday."
"Oh force," Qui-Gon whispered heartbroken in the silence. "He is gone. He left." Trough tear-drenched eyes, he looked at the datapad in his trembling hand. "Why didn't I see, that he blames himself for everything?" Tears glided down his cheeks, when the shoulders of the big man started to shake, as he tried to get his emotions under control. "And I gave him more feelings of guilt!", he whispered with choking voice.
