Moment of Decision

By Rhea Jediknight

And

Ash Darklighter

Part Five


Luke had gone - he'd really gone this time, Mara realised and something within her seemed to wither away, but she could not find it within herself to reconsider her decision. She had done the right thing. Her path had been laid; it was now time to walk it. But another part of her couldn't understand why Luke had accepted her decision so tamely. It wasn't like him at all. He had been in love with her, hadn't he?


She lived in a fog, watching her life as if from a great distance. For months, she went about her daily tasks no longer able to muster the will to do anything else. It wasn't long before Talon Karrde remarked on this, his concern evident but Mara had sharply told him that it was none of his business. He never mentioned it again, and remained somewhat aloof from her, no longer quite the friend that he had been. All her friends seemed to treat her with a strange reserve as she continued to retreat from them all. It seemed that losing Luke Skywalker had turned her into a shell of the woman they had once known and liked.


Mara watched as years passed and she continued to die a little every day without Luke. She saw holos of him and noted with misgivings that his face seemed greyer and his air more remote with the passing of time. He was no longer the mixture of innocent farmboy and world weary Jedi Master that she had once known. There were no pictures of him laughing at some joke. The Jedi Master seemed to have totally taken him over. He lived a joyless and barren existence which mirrored hers and part of her knew that she was responsible. There were occasions during her long sleepless nights when she bitterly regretted her actions, but as time went on it grew harder and harder to make that first step. Each time she thought about contacting him, something inside of Mara prevented her. It was as if a darkness clouded her mind, making it impossible for her to see the light. And with each passing day, they both died a little more inside.


Years later, although it only seemed a few moments, she absorbed the knowledge that Luke Skywalker had gone on a suicide mission and had never returned. She read the holos reporting the details of his demise, knowing that if she had been with him, she could have saved him. Hell, he may never have gone on such a jaunt in the first place. He'd had no will to live and had gone to his death eagerly. The day he died was the first time in years that she had cried real tears and she reopened the wounds in her heart. The heart that had cracked and never mended when she'd left him.


Mara wondered why she had never done anything more with her Jedi abilities, why she had retreated from life and love? She felt the unreality of her existence. It was as if her entire being was caught up in a nightmare, and she found it almost impossible to break free. Something buried deep within her rebelled, pushing away from the shadows that filled her mind, her very soul.

The dark whispered voice attempted to seduce her even further away from what she had once been - vital, alive, and in love with Luke Skywalker. But Mara saw, near the end of her life, the mistake she had been too arrogant to see that she'd made. She would right this wrong. For once, she'd refused to listen to that darkly sibilant voice as it cooed empty words of comfort. She would not accept Luke Skywalker's death. She would not walk away from him this day; she would not live the rest of her life in the way that the dark side had presented to her.

A loved and remembered voice soothed her troubled soul. Even though he was dead, Luke was still there for her. He would always be there for her. It did not matter what decisions she made or what actions she took. Luke would never abandon her to the dark side.

This reality was all a lie. This would never happen, it couldn't be real.

Suddenly the truth seemed to shine through the darkness that had become her life. Luke couldn't be dead. She began to see through the web of deceit the dark side had woven. He would never, ever have abandoned her in this manner and she could no more walk away from him than rejoin the next dark Jedi that appeared. She was grounded in the light. She didn't need to be perfect to be a Jedi. As Luke had said - he wanted her to remain as she was but to accept her place in the Force.

"No!" she shouted. "This is all a lie. I choose to live, and I'll never allow the dark to rule my life."

With a tremendous effort, Mara resumed walking and broke free of the shadows. The vague half life that hadn't been a life at all but a bitter illusion faded away. She came to awareness as the dawn sent beams of light through narrow apertures in the ceiling of the circular room. Mara hadn't noticed the small openings before in the shadows of the night. The moment she left the dark side stain, her mind cleared. "I have to get out of here, she breathed. "I have to get out." Looking frantically for the exit she dashed for the door and subsided against the wall outside. The trees rustled in the faint breeze, caressing her face soothingly. She took a long shuddering breath, feeling the warm air as a relief to the stinging coldness of the room just behind her.


"Mara." Luke's voice startled her.


She whirled around to face him, her adrenalin still pulsing through her body, her heart beating at an accelerated pace.


He was sitting underneath a gnarled tree, his eyes dark with worry and fatigue, his face white but his signature in the Force rang clear and true. "You should have waited for me. It was dangerous for you to go in there alone." He uncrossed his legs and stood up.

Mara couldn't tell what he was thinking. She retorted, "I just heard it calling to me. You should have told me and you knew… you slimy son of a sith."


Luke replied evenly, "Yes, I am the son of a sith but I didn't think I was slimy. If you had been prepared, it would not have been a valid trial. You did well."


"But I betrayed myself, the Jedi… you."


"No you didn't. That was the dark side pulling your deepest fears to the surface and showing you a possible future. You pulled away from it in the end."


Mara looked aghast at that. "A possible future?"


"It was something you needed to see. You would never have been content just to accept." He smiled at her, the warmth flooding her body. "It is not in your nature just to accept. You are too like me – you have to question, have to know all your options. The Force is always in motion. Even Yoda could not predict the future. Do you plan to leave this planet, to leave me?" Luke's voice was once again remote. His expression blank.


"No – not just now. Not until you tell me to go."


"Then that future is already averted. I would never tell you to go."


"Did you see everything?" Mara asked quietly

.
Luke's face grew remote, his gaze shuttered. "Why, does it matter?"


Mara thought about that before answering, "Without me you gave up on life. I watched you die inside from a distance and I didn't have the strength to come and save you and I could have… I knew it." She lowered her head, ashamed that because of her actions he had suffered. The one man who had believed in her, no matter what.


Luke shook his head slowly, "Yes, Mara you could have saved me, but did you really think I would let myself die without you?"

She lifted her head and stared at him hard. Luke began to squirm under her penetrating scrutiny. "Yes," she said. "I think you would have. Oh, perhaps no one would have noticed at first but yes, without me in your life you would have never loved again. The road you were on, shutting yourself away from friends and family – a life of meditation and solitude, would have continued." She looked up to see his blue eyes shining at her, and her throat constricted. She found it difficult to breathe normally.


He grabbed her shoulders, gazing deeply into her beautiful green eyes. "I love you Mara Jade - you. There is no way that I would have just let you walk away. I need you, just as you need me. Have I ever left you when you really needed me?"

"That's part of what turned me back, I heard your voice. It was far away but it soothed and calmed me when I was at my lowest ebb. Even when we've been estranged, if I was in any sort of trouble you always came for me." Mara whispered as she began to give in to his nearness. "You have this annoying habit of rescuing me when I don't want to be rescued and saving me when I do. You're not the type to sit doing nothing when someone like me is dying inside." Then his words penetrated her tired mind. "What do you mean… you love me? You never said that you loved me."

"If you leave me, I swear to you, I'll find you. I'm not going to let you deny what's between us. I…"


"I'm not walking away," Mara interrupted.

But Luke continued as if she hadn't spoken. "Even if it takes years, Mara Jade. You and I will finally know total love between us. I won't become that empty, lonely man. I won't just let you walk away to leave me . . ."

"Skywalker!"

"I can take it slowly, Mara. I can wait… give you time." His blue eyes were fervently pleading with her to give him a chance. "Feel it, Mara. Can't you feel what we have through the Force? Stretch out…"

"Luke!" Mara finally ran out of patience although his impassioned babbling was somehow endearing.

"What?"

She swayed suddenly, her whole emotional experience catching up with her. She bent her head forward, and closed her eyes.

"Mara! Force!" he exclaimed in horror.

She suddenly found herself lifted against his chest and he was carrying her out of the ruins and down a remarkably clear path. "Luke?"

"We came the back way," he mumbled apologetically, as if he knew what he had said might anger her.

"You mean you had me hacking down thorns for nearly half a day and we could have walked straight in?"

"Eh… uh… well… yes," Luke stammered.

"Put me down!" Mara demanded. "I'm not happy about this. All that time and we could have…"

"Ssh!" he soothed, as he headed towards the vehicle Mara could now see just a mere hundred yards away.

"What is it with you thinking you can suddenly pick me up and carry me about all of a sudden?"

"I'm not letting you go . . . . ever," Luke said grumpily. "In your weakened state, you'll injure yourself or collapse from too many ration bars. You just about passed out on me back there."

"I did not!"

Luke lifted an eyebrow. "Yes, you did."

"I was not about to…" The eyebrow rose even further. "Okay maybe I swayed a little."

"You survived an entire night in a vision quest with the dark side beating down your barriers only to have you shore them up and emerge stronger in the light than ever. I've never been so proud of you in my life. "

"I'm not some frail Galactic noblewoman." Mara muttered crossly, to cover the feeling of pleasure she felt at Luke's words. He was proud of her.

"I know, thank the Force. Can you see me with one of them? Always thinking I was below them because I come from a moisture farm on Tatooine. Never happy because I couldn't dance attendance on them the whole time and deny my own destiny?"

"Actually I can… you and your sister have this… air about you, but I don't think someone dancing attendance on you would make you happy."

Luke made a face. "Never able to accompany me on missions because I would worry about their ability to cope with difficult and dangerous situations? I don't need a hothouse flower. I want a wild rose. I want you."

"Luke…"

"You need to rest…"

"Luke!"

"Ssh!!" Luke had reached their vehicle. Carefully he slid her down to her feet and watched concerned as she wobbled a little.

"I do feel a little strange," Mara suddenly admitted. "Lightheaded…" She closed her eyes and pressed her hand to her forehead.

"Whoa, Jade." Luke grabbed hold of her arm to steady her.

Mara's knees began to buckle. "I do feel… dizzy," she whispered.

Luke pulled out one of the seats to form a bunk and helped her lie down. "Sleep," he murmured staring into her heavy eyes. Dropping a gentle kiss on her forehead he eased her into a Force induced sleep and started the engine ready to return to the Jedi temple.

*************************

Mara slept through the return trip to the Academy. Sleepless nights and her injured ankle, combined with her recent ordeal had taken their toll. Luke had not slept the previous night either, having monitored Mara's battle with the dark side, ready to lend assistance if needed. He fought to keep his tired eyes from closing. It would be too easy to just stop the vehicle and curl up beside Mara and sleep for a week. He should have known that she was in no danger of succumbing to the dark side, she was too strong and too stubborn he thought with quiet satisfaction. His body ached to sleep, but he had to keep going. He wanted Mara checked over properly by one of the Jedi healers at the temple. A brush with the dark side was enough to sap anyone's spirit.


He pushed away his bone-deep tiredness. Luke would sleep once he had returned Mara to the safety of the Academy. Despite his fatigue, he doubted he could sleep until he was certain that Mara was unharmed. His thoughts were racing through his mind like a wild herd of banthas, and his heart was overflowing with hope for his future with the beautiful redhead. He had a future – she hadn't rejected him.

He couldn't seem to stop himself from continually replaying ever nuance of Mara's reaction to his declaration of love. Her facial expression, her emotional state, her sense, and finally her words all pointed in the same direction. She felt deeply for him. But doubt suddenly assailed him. Did she love him? Was it enough?

Luke knew that his timing was off, but he could not have prevented the words from spilling free of his soul any more than he could deny the presence of the Force in his life. He just wished that he had a clearer picture of how she felt, uncoloured by her recent encounter with the dark side. It was hard to discern her true reaction through her exhaustion -her exhaustion and his own. 'You will know when you are both calm and at peace.' Words that Yoda had once spoken to him echoed in his head. He smiled wearily. Yoda, as ever, was right.

Mara's vision had been disturbing; the image of his life without Mara was too horrible to bear. It would be kinder to die an early death than to wither away slowly in such a fashion. Luke would never let that future come to pass. He would no longer allow the love of his life to walk away from him. Even if she ultimately rejected him he would go on for ever trying to make her change her mind. He would not allow the joy to leave him withered and grey.

Luke knew it might be difficult for Mara to release her past and accept who she had become. But in rejecting the dark side totally she had to go forward towards the light. He would have to make her see that just because she had passed this hurdle, there weren't others, equally hazardous to follow.

Luke had always sensed a link between them. He wondered if he had always known, from the very first moment he'd stared down the barrel of her blaster, that she was the one for him. He regretted the years it had taken for them to finally reach this realization, and was determined to not allow this mistake to continue. He could be patient, give Mara some time to adjust, but he would no longer be absent from her life. Luke would not be a spectator but an integral part of her world. They would share their lives together, in some form or another. He wondered if her clients would accept a Jedi Master as part of her negotiating team. Perhaps she would not want him there. Mara might view him as an interference to her livelihood. He found this thought disheartening
Luke had driven fourteen hours straight, only stopping for brief breaks to grab a ration bar and such. He was determined to return as quickly as possible, slightly disturbed by Mara's continued unconsciousness. He could not sense anything amiss, but he would be more comfortable if she were out of the jungles of Yavin. His eyes felt scratchy with weariness but he reached deep into the well of energy the Force provided for him. He hadn't far to go now.

It was dark when the vehicle finally pulled onto the Academy grounds. Mara was still sound asleep and after a momentary debate Luke carefully picked her up and carried her from the vehicle. She stirred slightly, but did not wake up. She snuggled against him, curving herself into his arms and he smiled. Although Mara might protest when she was aware, he knew she enjoyed being in his arms. She belonged there and her body knew it too.

****************************

Luke moved silently to her room and securing Mara even tighter against his chest with one arm and palmed open her door with the other hand. With a sound like a thankful sigh the door slid softly aside. He laid her gently on her bed, removed her boots and covered her with a soft nerf's wool blanket. His hand brushed her hair out of her face, and he stretched out with the Force, making certain that she was in a normal sleep. He could sense her dreaming mind, but this time was careful to avoid slipping past her mental barrier. She had forgiven him for the transgression once. She would not do so if he invaded her dreams for a second time without her consent.

Luke was reluctant to leave her, and briefly considered sleeping on her couch – just to make sure that she was really all right. But after a short debate with himself, he decided that it would be best to allow Mara some time to herself. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against her mouth. When he kissed her, she murmured something, and settled back still deep in slumber. Luke smiled, no longer quite as concerned about her well being – her sleep was the natural one of the totally exhausted. She had been through a lot and she deserved the rest. He pulled reluctantly away and quietly left the room, feeling as if he were leaving a part of himself behind.

*********************
As Corran Horn made his way to bed, he had spied Jade and Skywalker's vehicle on the periphery of the grounds. So they had returned. They had been away for exactly five days. Two days or so to get there, a day or two perhaps, to undergo the trials and then, no doubt, Luke driving at a reckless speed back through the Yavin jungle to get Mara back to safety. He wondered if the trip had been a success. Mara had not been as open to the idea as she should have been, but mixed up with her wariness of joining the brown robed ones was her undoubted feelings for the Jedi Master. He was quite glad he hadn't been with them in the claustrophobic atmosphere of the ground vehicle.

Stifling a jaw breaking yawn he rounded the corner and observed Luke exiting Mara Jade's room.

Interesting.

"Luke!" he whispered.

Luke's face immediately assumed a guilty expression as if he had been caught doing something he shouldn't have. "Corran! I thought everyone would have gone to bed by now."

A huge grin crossed the Corellian's face, but one look at the Jedi's face was enough to dampen his humour. He descended on Skywalker, concerned by the Jedi Master's demeanour. Immediately sensing Corran's anxiety, Luke suppressed his first urge to rebuff the man, and return to his quarters alone. Corran was someone Mara had trusted enough to ask to teach her and he was evidently concerned about the fate of the trial. He scolded himself inwardly. Just because he wanted to be everything to Mara didn't mean that he had exclusive rights. Instead, he allowed the other Jedi to accompany him and after a few silent paces actually welcomed the company.

"How's Jade?" Corran broke the silence.

"She's fine," Luke gave the first real smile since he'd carried her from the ruins. "She's just exhausted. She wasn't sleeping well before we left and after the ruins, she was pretty wiped out. I had to carry her from the ruins to the transport. She didn't even protest that much."

Corran blinked. "Well I'll be sat on by a Hutt!"

He was so tired, he really should go to sleep, Luke thought. He wanted to be awake and by her side when she emerged from her slumber. He was afraid to find that she might have departed if he wasn't there. He knew that this wasn't fair to her and unlikely in the extreme. It just attested to his vulnerable emotional state. He was tired, he needed to sleep so badly that he felt like a droid with a two day old memory wipe. He should have more faith in her, trust that she would have the courage to face him. But the doubt trickled into the back of his mind and no amount of rationalizing could banish his unease. Corran watched him sensing the disquiet through the Jedi's flagging barriers. Mara wasn't the only one who was exhausted.

"Luke, worrying about her…"

"I can't help it, Corran. Most of me knows that she's okay, but part of me worries."

He focused on the blond man beside him, and considered teasing him about Mara's lack of sleep, but he could tell that Skywalker would not welcome his ribbing in his present mood. "How was the trip?' Corran's voice was casual, but there was no mistaking the underlying question behind these words.

Luke took a deep breath. Corran was a friend and he had a feeling that the Jedi could understand what he was going through better than most. But part of him still shied away from giving away his innermost self. He'd been hurt too many times before to risk it. Only with Mara could he be himself.

"The trip was… good, I think. She did well and came through the ordeal, not unscathed, but it wouldn't be any sort of trial at all if she did. She's been asleep since we left." He shrugged. "A brush with the dark side is always debilitating." He gave a thin smile. "I'll get the healer to check her over tomorrow."

"She won't like that."

The Jedi Master paused outside his quarters. "I don't care whether she likes it or not. She gets checked over and that's the end of it."

Corran masked his expression, but Luke, tired as he was, was still the master and was aware of his responsibilities to his students. "I would do the same for any of the students whether I… I…"

Corran's eyes were full of warm understanding. "Were in love with them or not?"

"You know?" Luke sank back against the stone wall of the corridor. "You know," he pronounced gloomily. "Of course I love her. It's not the greatest surprise around here any more, is it?"

Corran gave him a sympathetic smile. "Those that have known you the longest and the best are not surprised… the others…" he chuckled. "They conjecture and speculate but they don't know. You're both very private people with strong shields. It's never easy to tell what you are thinking. Let them hypothesize."

Luke wasn't sure why he had decided to confide in Corran. Perhaps, his own fatigue had lowered his guard or maybe because he really wanted to discuss this with someone. The Corellian was married and was happy by all accounts. I do love her," he sounded amazed at the words coming from his own mouth.

Corran pantomimed amazement, "Sorry, Luke, I though I just heard you say that you loved her."

When Luke's smile faltered, Corran continued, "It's about damned time you admitted it. But it's no use telling me. I'm not the one who needs to know."

Luke's smile slipped. "I actually told Mara that I loved her. It just slipped out." He fell silent.

Corran said, "I take it she didn't respond with overwhelming enthusiasm?"

"Mara?" Luke snorted, "No she didn't admit anything. To be fair I don't think it really registered. She stood there, swaying, white faced, her green eyes huge."

"There's no doubt that she loves you."

Luke's eyes widened and then he swallowed nervously. "You've sensed this?"

"I'd have to be blind not to notice. You two have been dancing around each other for years, it's about time you confronted how you feel." He gave Luke a long look, "You don't really doubt her feelings, do you?"

"I don't know. I'm not sure what exactly she feels for me. We've come a long way over the years from hate to…"

"Love?" supplied Corran. "What else do you feel?"

"There is respect and affection, a sense of trust and loyalty." Luke bit his lip, anxiety clouding his features. "There is an awakening desire too. She kissed me and didn't seem… repulsed by it. I felt the fire run through her blood. She desires me," he finished in amazement with a shy grin spreading across his face.


Corran returned the grin, unable to remain unaffected by Luke's sudden quiet jubilance. "Seems like love to me. You have an advantage that Mirax and I have. We were friends first. We have a solid foundation to build our relationship upon. You and Mara have the same." He stepped back a pace. "But, Luke… You have to tell her again when you're both not so tired. You have to make sure she doesn't mistake your feelings for anything else. I thought I'd lost Mirax, when I was captured by Isaard before we had a chance to make our feelings known."

Luke pulled himself away from his position of making sure the wall didn't fall down and raised his hand to open his door. "I know. Thanks for taking my classes for me. I owe you one."

"Don't mention it. I made all the students call me master in your absence," Corran joked.

Luke chuckled.

Corran grimaced, "Yeah. Now I know why you always volunteer for those dangerous missions. You just want to get away from them from time to time."

"That's not true. Any more talk like that and you'll have landed me with a reckless reputation." He wavered on his feet.

"Go to bed, Luke. You're too tired to make any more sense out of anything."

"Yeah!" His door slid open. "Corran!" Luke turned back to face the man.

The other Jedi raised an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"Just in case she plans to run before I can talk to her. Could you make sure she doesn't leave. I don't have any idea how you're going to do… that. Just… do…"

"Consider it done, Luke. Go to bed."

"I think I could sleep for a week." His head drooped.

Corran smiled. "Go on," he ordered. "Get some rest. I'll make sure someone looks after Mara."

Luke's head rose abruptly from where it had dropped to his chest. "Be discreet about it. Don't let on she's being looked after. She doesn't like it."

'She's not the only one,' Corran thought with a smile. "I know Mara. I'll see to it. Now for the last time, Master Skywalker," Corran emphasised Luke's title. "Bed. You won't be up to coping with her tomorrow if you don't go to bed now." Corran pulled Luke from the wall he was propping up, pushed him through his open door and slapped the control pad. The door slid shut with a satisfying hiss. "Goodnight," he said with a quiet chuckle and headed to his own room.

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