When reading over the reviews of my recently-returned Nosgoth Times, which is also found in the Legacy of Kain section and which is hilariously funny and you should read it, I found someone requesting the return of my Soul Reaver 2 parody. I had previously removed this, for reasons which I forget, probably because it wasn't very original (at least no the concept) but if somebody liked it then I'll put it up to make them happy. Plus I think it's pretty funny.
Disclaimer: I don't own LoK. Also Kain's way of talking is not meant to insult black people, it's made up of almost ALL words and phrases I have heard from my black friends...in West Philly, that's the way people talk. What can I say.
As the summary says, this is a new piece from the widely lauded author of The Nosgoth Times, which is also worth a read if I
say so myself. This is kind of like outtakes I guess...except I'm rewriting the scripts for all the cutscenes in the LoK
games, starting with SOul Reaver 2 as that's the only one I've played. They won't be altered so much that the plot will
change, although now that I think of it that would be an interesting twist too, they're jsut changing the way the characters
talk...as it would be IF I WERE THE SCRIPTWRITER FOR LEGACY OF KAIN!!!!
Soul Reaver 2, Prologue
(Raziel pushes open the doors of the Chronoplast Chamber and steps in)
Kain (standing on a platform above and flipping switches)
Damn, man, you took yoself a while. You know how long I been WAITIN' heah, bo'? And let me tell you, there ain't no porta-potties in this join'! I gotsta go like WHOA!
Hey, now, did you like pimpslappin' yo little bruddas? Did Melchiah CRY when you beat his ass?
Raziel
Shut up! I didn't WANT to kill my little pals! Melchiah was always so cute with his weak little self...you bastard! I'm gonna get you for that AND for throwing me in the lake!
Kain (flipping a switch and laughing)
Shit happens man. Deal wid it. You think I sat around cryin' when I got killed? No, I got my ass right up and kicked some ass! That's what you should be doin'! Except I'm too GOOD fo' you!
Raziel
(Clearly exasperated) Shut the HELL UP! Come down here so I can kill you!
Kain
(Raises and eyebrow) Boy, I will lay the WHIPPIN' down on yo insolent black BEHIND if you don't GET yoself in check! I'ma smack you so hard, you ain't gon' know yo momma from yo daddy! And DON'T make any comments about my hair!
Raziel
(Summons the Reaver, but it's coming out of his middle claw) Here's what I think of you, 'Dad!'
(Kain flips another switch and his eyes widen)
YOUNG-BO'! Getcho BIG BLACK ASS OVAH HEAH SO I CAN SMACK IT!!!! Man, in mah day, we ain't TAKE nonna dis bullSHIT! When AH was young, some bo' got his tongue outta he head, we chopped dat join' OFF!
Raziel
I'll kill you as soon as you come near me! I've been to the Sarafan tomb, and you know what I found? I used to be a friggin' SARAFAN PRIEST! I'm gonna kill you for turning me into a VAMPIRE! (Raziel leaps at Kain, but Kain catches him and tosses him casually back down to the middle of the chamber and laughs)
Kain
Lil' bo', you stupid! Dem Sarafan, they was worse than us on a bad day!
(Raziel Rises from the floor and challenges Kain to come get him)
Raziel
The Sarafan were the GOOD DAMN GUYS!!! WE are the BAD GUYS! Now COME DOWN HERE, you little PUSSY, Or I'll come and run you through with the Reaver!
Kain
You best be careful what you wish fo', negro! Cause I AM yo daddy! (He jumps down to Raziel)
Raziel
You're going to get what's coming to you now...ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (Raziel, experiencing anger problems, goes into full battle crazyass mode and begins to beat the crap out of Kain. He then pins him up against the wall with his claw. A long fight ensues. Raziel finally has Kain at his mercy with the Soul Reaver drawn)
Kain
(Kain blast Raziel away from him with a burst of power. Raziel flies against the far wall and crumples to the floor, stunned)
See, I TOLD you I was too good for you! You shouldn't a messed wit yo own daddy! That's what you get! (He vanishes and reappears in front of the time portal)
Well, I see you some otha time! Holla! (He vanishes into the portal)
Raziel
COME BACK HERE YOU ASSHOLE!!!!! (He jumps up to the portal and runs through it)
(Lights go out)
(Raziel emerges in a smaller time streaming chamber. Moebius, robed and holding his staff, steps forward. Raziel's expression clearly says 'what the fuck?'
Moebius
(Jamaican accent)
Hey, mon! How jah been? Everyting good? Now it's time for you to get up stand up! No more crap from dat demon Kain! Don't worry about a thing...every little thing is gonna be alright!
Hope you like it...more coming soon!
Disclaimer: I don't own LoK. Also Kain's way of talking is not meant to insult black people, it's made up of almost ALL words and phrases I have heard from my black friends...in West Philly, that's the way people talk. What can I say.
As the summary says, this is a new piece from the widely lauded author of The Nosgoth Times, which is also worth a read if I
say so myself. This is kind of like outtakes I guess...except I'm rewriting the scripts for all the cutscenes in the LoK
games, starting with SOul Reaver 2 as that's the only one I've played. They won't be altered so much that the plot will
change, although now that I think of it that would be an interesting twist too, they're jsut changing the way the characters
talk...as it would be IF I WERE THE SCRIPTWRITER FOR LEGACY OF KAIN!!!!
Soul Reaver 2, Prologue
(Raziel pushes open the doors of the Chronoplast Chamber and steps in)
Kain (standing on a platform above and flipping switches)
Damn, man, you took yoself a while. You know how long I been WAITIN' heah, bo'? And let me tell you, there ain't no porta-potties in this join'! I gotsta go like WHOA!
Hey, now, did you like pimpslappin' yo little bruddas? Did Melchiah CRY when you beat his ass?
Raziel
Shut up! I didn't WANT to kill my little pals! Melchiah was always so cute with his weak little self...you bastard! I'm gonna get you for that AND for throwing me in the lake!
Kain (flipping a switch and laughing)
Shit happens man. Deal wid it. You think I sat around cryin' when I got killed? No, I got my ass right up and kicked some ass! That's what you should be doin'! Except I'm too GOOD fo' you!
Raziel
(Clearly exasperated) Shut the HELL UP! Come down here so I can kill you!
Kain
(Raises and eyebrow) Boy, I will lay the WHIPPIN' down on yo insolent black BEHIND if you don't GET yoself in check! I'ma smack you so hard, you ain't gon' know yo momma from yo daddy! And DON'T make any comments about my hair!
Raziel
(Summons the Reaver, but it's coming out of his middle claw) Here's what I think of you, 'Dad!'
(Kain flips another switch and his eyes widen)
YOUNG-BO'! Getcho BIG BLACK ASS OVAH HEAH SO I CAN SMACK IT!!!! Man, in mah day, we ain't TAKE nonna dis bullSHIT! When AH was young, some bo' got his tongue outta he head, we chopped dat join' OFF!
Raziel
I'll kill you as soon as you come near me! I've been to the Sarafan tomb, and you know what I found? I used to be a friggin' SARAFAN PRIEST! I'm gonna kill you for turning me into a VAMPIRE! (Raziel leaps at Kain, but Kain catches him and tosses him casually back down to the middle of the chamber and laughs)
Kain
Lil' bo', you stupid! Dem Sarafan, they was worse than us on a bad day!
(Raziel Rises from the floor and challenges Kain to come get him)
Raziel
The Sarafan were the GOOD DAMN GUYS!!! WE are the BAD GUYS! Now COME DOWN HERE, you little PUSSY, Or I'll come and run you through with the Reaver!
Kain
You best be careful what you wish fo', negro! Cause I AM yo daddy! (He jumps down to Raziel)
Raziel
You're going to get what's coming to you now...ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! (Raziel, experiencing anger problems, goes into full battle crazyass mode and begins to beat the crap out of Kain. He then pins him up against the wall with his claw. A long fight ensues. Raziel finally has Kain at his mercy with the Soul Reaver drawn)
Kain
(Kain blast Raziel away from him with a burst of power. Raziel flies against the far wall and crumples to the floor, stunned)
See, I TOLD you I was too good for you! You shouldn't a messed wit yo own daddy! That's what you get! (He vanishes and reappears in front of the time portal)
Well, I see you some otha time! Holla! (He vanishes into the portal)
Raziel
COME BACK HERE YOU ASSHOLE!!!!! (He jumps up to the portal and runs through it)
(Lights go out)
(Raziel emerges in a smaller time streaming chamber. Moebius, robed and holding his staff, steps forward. Raziel's expression clearly says 'what the fuck?'
Moebius
(Jamaican accent)
Hey, mon! How jah been? Everyting good? Now it's time for you to get up stand up! No more crap from dat demon Kain! Don't worry about a thing...every little thing is gonna be alright!
Hope you like it...more coming soon!
