[b] Disclaimer: Farscape is owned by Henson Co. et al. I make no money off of my poor attempts at fiction writing. [/b]
Rated: PG for mature emotional content and drug use issues.
(Takes place after 'I Shrink Therefore I Am')
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"Damn it to hell!" Tired as he was, John's tormented mind wouldn't rest. Physical exhaustion was his only recourse. Getting dressed, he made for the hall intending to wander Moya as his mind raged. He was so tired of having his heart bleed, that at this moment in time he welcomed what relief the lakka gave him. Would his father have understood? Loving someone who couldn't love back, was it the same as loosing the love of your life to cancer?
The lakka kept his emotions in check, even if he did need to use it more often, but it didn't stop his mind from working. And lord, help him- his mind was one part that he couldn't control. The lessons he'd learned from Stark's virtual reality game kept running through his mind. Number one, Aeryn gave him over to Scorpy, and two Zhaan said, "How many more will die for love of you?" You'd think he'd be jaded about feeling screwed again.
Ah, nothing like feeling betrayed by the woman you love to get the ol' juices sizzling. The question was- in who's reality did that conclusion exist? Did he really believe it? Aeryn took obfuscation to new levels with her return to Moya. He didn't know what to believe.
And as he couldn't know what was going on in her mind, he focused on his own feelings instead. Did her professed love for John Crichton have any power over her anymore? Did he think that he could ever trust her again? The only way to tell was to read her actions. More time was needed to figure that out, but Zhaan's comment also played a role in figuring out what to do about Aeryn. She wasn't a single entity now. She carried a child. He couldn't allow that innocent, no matter who the father was, to come to harm if he could help it.
John's mind was disciplined; it strove to find order, to solve problems. He could control Harvey, but he couldn't control his feelings for Aeryn. He hated having to use the drug. The lakka worked to numb his emotional feelings, but it didn't help him solve the problem of dealing with his emotions.
Then there was the problem of Scorpius. Keeping himself busy with wormhole equations, working on Moya's systems, maintaining his module, being on watch in command-- nothing kept his mind from being in overdrive. How could he not think that with Scorpy on board, he would bump into him everywhere; Scorpy the pookha and the real live horror.
Moya felt the pounding of John's fists on her on her walls as he walked her seldom used tiers venting his frustration. Moya wondered why he didn't use the training dummy. Little did she know that, that area only added to John's frustration over Aeryn.
But he seldom saw Scorpy. [i] Thank you Lord, for small mercies,[/i] he prayed. [i] Thank you, D'Argo, for watching my back during all this. [/i] Then, even as he began to benefit from the lessening of his stress by not having Scorpius pop up at odd intervals, he felt something itch inside his mind. Something about not being invaded by Scorpy's presence rang hollow.
You can't take the scientist out of the man. He had to laugh. The prayer of thanks had evolved into a question. The question started the process. John was powerless to stop it. Anyway, he didn't want to. Too many experiences and much book learning had taught him to honor that process. Once he had a question, he was compelled to answer it. Actually he had two questions, but he would deal with them one at a time: Scorpy first, Aeryn second. He had to gather data. The next step was to develop a tool to test the first question.
He knew that Scorpy valued any and all information. One never knew what could become valuable. Scorpy could be getting information from Sputnik, but even then she wasn't around him all that much. What other means of information gathering was there available. Going for the most obvious, he decided to begin his experiment.
There were two types of results that he was looking for: information and the vehicle by which that information was being transmitted to Scorpius. [i] Ok, John, what can you do that will tip Scorpy's hand; some tidbit of info that no one else knows; something that will cause Scorpy to verbalize his new knowledge in a way that will let you know how he got that information. [/i] It took a few days to come up with a research tool that would lead to the data that he needed.
****
Pilot, we're taking our comms off, this job is going to be messy." John had reported before they started the job, and he wasn't joking.
"D'Argo, pass the scanner." Wedged in one of Moya's conduits, John worked to loosen the junction. D'Argo had followed with the tools until the opening became too small.
Their relationship had progressed to an open brotherly bond. It was a level of male friendship that D'Argo had not experienced before; thinking about it, experiencing it, warmed his hearts. John was still closed lip about Aeryn, but he understood that need.
John paused at his work, and looked back at D'Argo, "D, I need to find out if Scorpy is keeping tabs on me thru the comms—listening to everything I say."
D'Argo thought about it for a few minutes. "The only other things that gets Scorpy's black heart racing are the Scarrens. What if we have a conversation about stopping them?"
John nodded, "That would be a natural conversation, and developing a plan is my specialty." D'Argo had to laugh.
Later when it was D'Argo's turn at command duty, John joined him. Their comms were on but inactive. John started the conversation, "So Captain, I've been thinking about the Scarrans, and I want to bat some ideas off of you.'
"What does baseball have to do with the Scarrans?"
John's eyes widened in surprise, "Baseb… no, D, I want to throw some ideas out for your opinion."
"But, John, just to get this straight, isn't being thrown out what happens in baseball? Isn't it part of the strategy?'
He could only continue to stare at his tentacled friend-- mouth open, eyes wide with amusement. This wasn't how they had planned the conversation. "You know D, you are right." Chuckling and shaking his head, he could only say, "Dealing with the Scarrans should be played like a ball game. We have to pitch so that they can't hit the ball," he paused, "and you know the ball is me."
This new way of looking at the problem made him decide to stop the conversation there. John pictured D'Argo winding up and then turning to throw him directly towards Scorpius. All he could do was to see if Scorpy tried to out run it. Scorpy was on first, the Scarrans were up to bat. Scorpy was not going to be allowed to steal second. John couldn't help but feel proud that D'Argo was showing such insight for the game.
Having Scorpy know that he might be thinking about using himself as bait would push the half-breed into trying to score another base. Scorpy would be apoplectic with anxiety over John sounding so cavalier over dealing with the Scarrans.
"Well then D, I need to rethink the problem."
D'Argo nodded and smiled. He was very satisfied over how he had handled the conversation. John's reactions were naturally amused. Scorpius would not suspect an act. John took a fisted hand and thumped D'Argo on his shoulder before leaving command.
At last meal in the central chamber, Scorpius watched John. As was John's habit, he ignored Scorpius. "John, you have taught some of your crewmates how to play chess. I was wondering what other strategy games interest you?"
Reaching for a food cube on Rygel's plate, he didn't answer as Rygel tried to stab him with a fork. Chiana chuckled, "Ryg, why do you continue to fall for John's tricks?"
Rygel answered, "Because one day I will spear him and then he'll stop."
John responded, "You think?"
Aeryn and D'Argo watched the play between the crewmates, silently.
Scorpius continued, "I see the value that chess teaches. Do other games teach as much? Games like the baseball that you throw around?"
John and D'Argo didn't dare look at each other. "Scorpy, it wasn't my idea to have you learn how to play chess. I don't want to share anything about my planet with you. Never ask me again about Earth." The last sentence was said quietly through clenched teeth, "Never try to get me to talk about Earth with you again."
"But of course John," Scorpius answered as he looked at Sikozu. Her look was one of disgust.
Later in his quarters, John mentally wrote the analysis and conclusion to his experiment. Even if coincidence could not be ruled out, he knew Scorpy well enough to know that he wouldn't ask a question without a specific reason. Scorpius' mental competence was so disciplined that all input had a purpose-- Scorpy's one track mind in dealing with John could be his undoing.
John knew that anything he held dear would be used as a weapon against him. Moya and the crew were still in danger because of him, but he had an Achilles' heal: the baby and if he was honest with himself-Aeryn. Her duplicity in the VR game had frightened him, but she wasn't to be feared in that way. He had to be honest about her. She could refuse his love, but she could never put him in danger. He also had to honest with himself; he couldn't allow the lakka to make him think that he could overcome his love for her.
He would heed Zhaan's words. No one else would ever die for love of him.
Because Earth was safe 60 cycles away, he only had to keep safe the two beings that he would sell his soul over.
He reached for the lakka. It still was the answer to his problem. It was just that the reason for using it had changed. The conclusion of the experiment meant that he had the answer right there on his hand. But surprisingly the experiment answered both his questions. He wasn't running from Aeryn now. He had to keep her and the baby out of the game. With Scorpy on board Moya striving to steal John's secrets, D'Argo's throw had sent him scrambling back to first base. John just had to keep him pinned there. The puzzles were solved. His mind would let him rest now.[i] God I love playing ball.[/i]
