Chapter Eighteen – Walking
After You
Tonight I'm tangled
in my blanket of clouds
Dreaming aloud
Things just won't do
without you
Matter of fact
If you walk out on me
I'm walking after you
"Walking After You,"
Foo Fighters
[Carol's POV]
Things are complicated
between me and Ed, Syd just can't seem to realize that, can she? Life isn't
always as simple as her little undercover spy world—
Wait, bad comparison.
All I'm trying to say
is that—
Oh God, I don't even
know what I'm trying to say. She's talking to me, but in all honesty, I'm not
listening to a word of it. I want to be with Ed. That's the bottom line. I just
need to get over this massive inferiority complex and move on with my life.
He's the perfect guy, and so what if I'm not the perfect girl. He'll have to
deal. Because I deserve to have some real happiness in my life.
But what if he doesn't
want to be with me anymore?
See, I told you it was
complicated.
"Carol, are you even
listening to me?!" Syd asks, waving her hand in front of my face.
"Oh man, I'm sorr—" I
stop in mid sentence as I spot Ed, Mike, Will, and Michael playing basketball –
wait a second, are they SHIRTLESS? Do they realize that it's 45 degrees out? I
guess that's what testosterone does to people.
Wait a second. Just wait
one second here.
Ed + shirtless = me so
horny. Good God. The man has quite the pecks. And six pack for that matter. Me
likey da six-packey.
What the Hell is going
on here? I'm supposed to be angsty and torn and self deprecating. Not horny!
I shake myself back
into reality and as I slowly look around, I realize Michael and Syd have left,
along with Will and Mike. So it's just me. And Ed. Shirtless Ed.
I bet his nipples are
rock hard.
Because it's cold of
course. Dammit, why am I so dirty?!
He reaches down to his
stuff and picks up his shirt and begins to pull it on as he approaches me. I
look down and try to avoid eye contact. It's a lot easier to declare you love
and desire to be with someone in your head. I can barely even speak when I look
into those blue eyes.
"Hey Carol, what's up?"
He says, all…perky. How does he always manage to be happy and cheerful
regardless of anything?! If I recall correctly, the last "interaction" we had
didn't exactly end in a chummy-chummy fist knock.
Ha ha. Fist knock.
Mental image of Ed and me rockin' the ghetto speak. Good times.
NO! FOCUS, CAROL,
FOCUS!
"Ed, I think we need to
talk." I say, and walk towards the bench where his stuff is resting to take a
seat.
I can sense the
apprehension on his part as he follows me. I can't tell if it's anxiety or it's
excitement. You can never tell with him. When he wants to hide his emotions, he
does a pretty good job at it. Maybe the CIA taught him that.
I'm not angry about
that, I'm really not.
Okay, maybe a little.
But I'm just using it as an excuse to stay mad at Ed. And being mad at Ed isn't
really what I want. I want to be with him.
I want to be with him.
Oh my God.
"So what's going on?"
Ed asks as he takes a seat next to me. We sit in silence for a moment as I try
to collect my thoughts.
"Ed, let's just stop
this all, okay?"
"What? I don't know
what you're talking about."
"Stop it, Ed, you so do
know what I'm talking about. It's all we've ever talked about for the past
three years. Me. And you…Let's just stop it."
He laughs. Why does he
always love to laugh at the most inappropriate times?!
"Do you think this is
funny?"
"Yes, I actually do."
He says, trying to stop his laughter. "Because I have absolutely no clue what
you're talking about."
"Ed. Stop it. It's not
cute, and it's not funny. This is our lives I'm talking about. Just try to be
serious for one second."
That quiets him. He
looks down seriously, then back up at me. Wow, angst is certainly in the air.
"Okay, fine, what do
you want to talk about? How you don't want to be with me? Or how, wait, you do
want to be with me but only because I've found another girl who I want to be
with. Or would you rather talk about how you feel like you aren't good
enough for me and crap like that. Carol, I don't know what the Hell you're
trying to do to me, but I'm sick—"
"I love you." Oh God. I
didn't expect to make that big of a jump. Um, last time I checked, I thought
before I spoke. How did that come out again?! How did it make it past the high levels
of security that prevent such foolish thoughts to be said aloud?!
"What?" He looks
shocked. I don't know if it's a good shocked or a bad shocked, but it's a
shocked.
"Ed, I love you." There
it is. It's out there. For once I'm saying what I feel instead of hiding behind
twisted emotions and God-knows-what.
I think he's in shock.
I bet this is the last thing he ever expected. And by last I mean last thing on
the face of this Earth ever in a million years. Oh lord, I've lost all
coherency.
Please, speak. I can't
take this silence anymore…
"Well—uhh—" He stutters
and starts fidgeting. This can't be good. Brace yourself for rejection, Carol,
because you know it's coming.
I turn away and close
my eyes. A part of me always expected this. I mean, who's life is ever so
perfect, right? You aren't meant to be with the perfect guy. Your night in
shining armor. But I can't help but be heartbroken at the same time. I hate
being heartbroken.
"You know what,
nevermind." I say quickly and stand up as I feel the tears begin to flow down
my cheeks. I hate tears. I hate how they're wet and salty and how they fall
into your mouth when you begin to cry uncontrollably.
As I walk, I hear him
get up and jog towards me. He grabs my wrist and I pull it away violently.
"I said nevermind, Ed.
Just pretend like this never happened." Suddenly, I look up and he's standing
in front of me. I come to an abrupt halt and try desperately to avoid eye
contact with him, but he's like a magnet or something. I just can't keep my eyes
away from his.
He silently rests one
hand on my waist and brings the other up to my face. He wipes the tears away
from my face with his thumb and I'm pretty sure I've died and gone to heaven. I
really do need a shrink after all…Whoever feels the whole gamut of human
emotions within a span of like five seconds must have issues.
He laughs slightly as
his hand rests on the side of my face.
"Carol. You're crazy."
You didn't have to tell
me that, my good man, for I already know far too well.
"I—" Before I know it
he has his lips on mine.
Oh good God.
Oh sweet lord.
It is everything I've
imagined and more. You don't know how many nights I've sat alone in bed (and
not alone for that matter) desperately trying to recapture the feeling of his
lips on mine. I never forgot that kiss the first night he came back to
Stuckeyville, and I'll never forget this. It's unlike anything I have ever
experienced.
This isn't just
fireworks, this is a seventeen alarm forest fire.
Oh good God.
His lips slowly pull
away and his forehead rests on mine.
Hello, Carol Vessey,
and welcome to complete and utter bliss. Keep your seatbelt fastened for just a
moment longer, we'll be on the ground in no time.
"Does this mean
our stupid cat and mouse, roller coaster ride of a friendship is over, and we
can officially become a couple?" He asks. I haven't opened my eyes, but I
can tell he's grinning. When is this man not grinning?!
"Um, I guess
so," I say, also grinning as I open my eyes and lift my head. His smile
fades as his hand rests on the side of my face once again and his thumb
carresses my cheek.
"Geez, Carol, what
took you so long?" He teases.
I shrug my shoulders
and look down.
"Maybe if you went
around playing basketball shirtless sooner I would have come
around."
"Oh my God. You've
gotta be kidding me. Mikey's still got it."
"What?" I
ask, slightly confused, but still thoroughly amused by the fact that I'm now
walking hand in hand with Ed back to the bench.
He reaches down and
picks up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder.
"Nothing,
nothing." He says, laughing to himself. We walk silently for a few moments
and a smile as I feel him let go of my hand and wrap his arm around my waist. I
let my hand rest on top of his, which is now at my side.
"This is
nice." He says, turning his head to me.
"Yeah," I
say, nodding, "yeah it is."
END CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
