NAZGUL AIN'T SO BAD!

Disclaimer: All of these characters are the creations of the loved and respected J.R.R Tolkien, but have unfortunately been mutilated for a good laugh. R&R, be kind!

Story Line: The Nazgul get a terrible rap. When they aren't after the ring or off fighting Sauron's wars and killing little defenseless things the can be quite enjoyable. Story begins before it is known Bilbo has the One Ring.

I'm sure they all had real names but for the sake of humor just forget it please!

Characters: King Nazgul: Wayne 2nd Nazgul: Jim - Surfer Dude 3rd Nazgul: Harry - Surfer Dude 4th Nazgul: Jeffrey 5th Nazgul: Tony 6th Nazgul: Gary - Has strong British accent. 7th Nazgul: Robert 8th Nazgul: Donny - Weedhead 9th Nazgul: Lester - out of the Nine, liked least by Sauron, prefers to be called Lesley when at home, if you grasp the situation correctly. Enjoys knitting and disguising himself as a Rider In Pink.

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CHAPTER 1 - SPRING CLEANING

It was a usually dreary day in Mordor, or maybe it was night, but none of them really cared or wondered. They were sitting in the main dining room of Minas Morgul (MM), the Head Nazgul, Wayne, was trying to get the Nine to try and polish up their raspy Wraith voices since Barad-Dur was currently under construction and Sauron may need them to run some errands.

Lester didn't like to use his voice, since it "hurt his throat" and he liked discussing topics such as animal rights or why he couldn't wear brighter colors. In his lispy feminine voice he proclaimed, "I just don't understand why we must were these terrible blacks and shades of gray! They're just sooooo depressing! Pinks, purples, blues, greens, reds, yellows! Nothing like that! Nothing! I hate it, I hate it, I hate iiit!"

Most of the others were by now fed up with Lester and his babbling. Wayne felt the same and told him to go feed the horses or just leave the room.

They all sat quietly shaking their heads until Wayne finally spoke up. 'I swear, I don't understand why the hell he's so-so-so damn weird! I cant stand to think of how screwed up his kingdom must've been.' That was pretty much what the others were thinking. Gary commented that he didn't feel comfortable with Lester down stairs and was worried that he was probably painting the stables magenta or something so he suggested to go and check on him. When he arrived he saw that Lester was wearing a baby blue robe with matching colors draped over the horse as well. Before he could stop him he was off riding and didn't really care where he was going or if he came back.

Lester didn't return that day.

The next morning they awoke to find the dining hall clean of all cobwebs and dust. Not only that, but it was painted a bluish color with daisies and roses painted around the bottom near the floor. They all walked into what used to be a large greeting hall, and there they found that room swept, mopped, and dusted and in the corner there was Lester, stirring paints, mixing red and orange together. He had obviously visited the hardware store yesterday. All of them were in so much shock and anger that they were speechless, but Jim managed to find the words first. "What in Morgoth's name are you doin'!" "Spring cleaning of course," replied Lester. They were all stupefied that he had the nerve to do this. They all turned to Wayne motioning for him to do something. He used his raspy wraith voice and said "There aint been no spring cleanin' in hear since the damn Numenorians! What is the matter with you, have you gone mad?!!!" The others applauded him and nodded their heads in approval noticing that he'd practiced.

Lester calmly replied in his feminine somewhat lispy voice, "Of course not, I figured this place needed a good cleaning after 3000 years and so what you filthy stinkers you!"

By now Wayne was noticeably red, a color he had never been for thousands of years. "GET OUT!" He said. Lester, somewhat confused asked, "What?" "YOU HEARD ME, NOW GET OUT, AND DON'T COME BACK WITH ANY MORE PAINT UNLESS IT'S BLACK TO COVER UP THIS CRAP!"

Lester, who could be quite dangerous when roused, was very upset so he drew his sword. "Come on you big dukey head! I'm ready, if I nail you once, I get to paint and clean the whole tower, but if you get me, I'll quit and repaint everything to it's original color. Deal?" "DEAL, BITCH! NOW FEEL MY WRATH!" They both yelled in their wraith voiced and charged each other. Lester sounded quite powerful and to the surprise of the others, he quickly gained the upper hand. They fought for a good ten minutes and Wayne quickly jabbed at Lester but he dodged and before Wayne could regain his position, Lester had stabbed him lightly in the shoulder meaning the contest was over. Wayne swore quietly to himself and went to his room.

Lester hopped up and down saying, "Hooray for me! Hooray for me!" The others followed Wayne in disappointment and went to their rooms. Immediately Lester began painting.