Look! I'm not dead. I LIVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *ahem* Okay, I must thank Elfie for typing this up for me. However, Elfie also decided to add her own little 'touches' in the form of Elfie notes, those are the ones in square brackets with the little E/N: in front of them.
Right, now for the reviews.
Firstly Fallen Templar - Well, the test went okay (all except for maths, I got unclassified grade meep!) Web site is now down i'm afraid while I move it to a new server (geocities kept mucking me about) Anyway, ta for the review hunnie!
Mysterious Kat - Don't worry Zephon (winks) I won't tell your brothers. Spiderman, that's cute. Thanks for the amusing review Kat ^____^
Vladimirsangel - Yes! Someone who agrees with me about elves! Gosh, it was the mocks when I last updated (is horrible embarrassed) Golly gosh, what a long time. Thank you.
Silveriss - I'm sure you've got Rahab back by now ;-) Thanks for reviewin me. Incidentally, is there a fic about Jarlaxle? He looks interesting.
Elfie - I'm talking to you right now on MSN so I'll just say thanks for reviewing sweetie. ^_^
Fallen Templar - Again? Nice to see you with an account. Oh well, can't have to many reviews can we? (winks)
Frying Pan Girl (LIEUTENAT OTAKU!!!!) - Okay, you're new. I take it you like those particular quotes then?
(looks around) Okay, that seems to be everything. So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen , vampires of all ages I give you chapter five of The Adventures Of Pipehead In Nosgoth!
========================
Pipehead lands with a thump on the floor of the Chronoplast, currently hidden from view by cool misty stuff. Moebius, the ever unbearable Time Streaming git looks up from a copy of the Nosgoth Times.
Moebius: Raziel? (consults his watch) You're not due for another ten years.
Moebius peers round once the mist has cleared but sees no one.
Moebius: What the-
THWACK!!!
Moebius had made the mistake of leaving his staff with the giant anti-vampire crystal on it leaning against the wall.
Pipehead: Oopsies (giggles)
The evil child had dashed round behind the equally as evil puppet master of Nosgoth and had tried to pick his glorified walking stick up. As the staff was about twice as tall as she was, and most of the staff's weight was concentrated at the highest part, far above Pipehead, the stick had overbalanced, smacking Moebius over his bald head and putting quite a large crack in the purple ball.
Pipehead lets the staff fall to the ground and runs off, baby cackling. [E/N: Babies don't cackle, Nissie! You're biased!] (A/N: Yes, your point is Elfie?)
It turns out that Pipehead has crash landed in the Sarafan Fortress. The place is deathly quiet and not a soul is about. The reason for this is the Annual Sarafan v. Vampires Nosgoth Battleship Tournament is being held in the lake outside the stronghold, the one that is enclosed all round by cliffs and has that little balcony overlooking it. Currently the Vampires are in the lead in the lead by one sunk oil tanker and two rubber duckies. Things are looking to get ugly, the Sarafan always having been sore losers.
Pipehead stops to watch for a while.
Vorador Bride 1: FORE!
She cuts the rope causing the catapult to launch a load of Vorador's old shoes over the magically constructed wall hovering half way across the lake.
Vorador Bride 2: Is it a hit?
Random Sarafan: (from his side of the wall) NOPE!
Vorador Bride 1: Damn! Cross C2 off the list.
Becoming bored (due to her having the attention span of a bee) Pipehead makes her way out of the Fortress and heads in the general direction of Termogent Swamp.
~*~
As always, a few minutes too late to catch the elusive infant, Kain and his cronies emerge from the time streams in the familiar multicoloured cloud and spot the prone body of the EVIL guardian of time.
Kain: HA! (runs over and kicks Moebius) Take that, you bastard!
Raziel: Dad, who's he? (points at Moebius)
Kain: Moebius (kicks him again)
Dumah: (incredulous) That's Moebius?!
Kain: Yeah, that's what I said, isn't it? (starts stamping on Moebius' head)
Rahab: I thought you said he was eight foot tall-
Zephon: -With massive lobster claws for hands-
Melchiah: -And slobbering claws-
Rahab: -Right Dad?
Kain: (senses his abuse) Ah, I did say that, didn't I?
Levi and Tor start to giggle quietly. The lieutenants all nod. (A/N: Turel nods from writer land)
Kain: (thinking quickly) Yes! I did say that but…………… er…………… it wasn't about Moebius!
Raziel: So who did you say it about then?
Kain: (looking round for inspiration) Umm………… (spots a random black demon rip through the dimensions, smash through a wall and chase a random Sarafan down the corridor) The Unspoken! Yes! That's it! I said it about the Unspoken! Yes!
Raziel: Riiiiiigggggghhhhhhttttttt (one raised eyebrow) The giant demon dude who you heroically saved Nissa from armed solely with a rubber pilchard and a small tennis racket?
Kain: (relieved) Yes, that's the one.
None of the sons look impressed and Levi and Tor are doubled up with silent laughter. Kain scowls.
Kain: (to the author) This is your fault.
I fail to see how I am responsible. I'm not the one who has been………… ah, adding to the truth.
Kain spots the looks everyone else is giving him.
Kain: (thinking) Shit! I'm going to lose the respect of minions. (out loud, changes subject) Hows about we perform an act of interesting and unusual torture on Moby, huh, boys?
Dumah: On Zephy? Okay!
Zephon: Oh sh-
Dumah jumps on Zephon, wrestles him to the floor and begins to bang his head repeatedly on the floor of the chamber,
Levi: Is he deaf?
Rahab: No, he just deliberately misheard father.
Tor: Hadn't we better stop them before they kill each other……… well……… before Dumah kills Zephon?
Raziel: Nah, best to just let him get it out of his system.
Tor: So……… why don't we like Moe-wassit?
Levi: Oh! Oh! I know! Pick me! (jumps up and down waving one arm frantically)
Tor: I was talking to Razy!
Levi glowers.
Raziel: Well, it all started when Dad was a just a little fledgling………
~*~
Meanwhile
Pipehead wanders out of the smouldering remains of Termogent Swamp, the place having been burnt to the ground after a rather surreal yet humorous interlude involving Pipehead, Vorador and one eighth of his harem, an idiot's road map of Nosgoth, a rabid cockroach and a small tangerine. Due to the fact that Vorador and a small army of his hench-vampires have tied Turel up and are holding weapons of mass destruction to my head, I am afraid I cannot recount this rather embarrassing and highly amusing scene.
Anyway, going north, Pipehead discovers the quaint hamlet of Uschtenhiem. As she make her way through she spots a gingerbread shop.
Pipehead: (wide-eyed) Ooooooooo (presses her little button nose against the window pane)
Pipehead's stomach rumbles loudly, she hasn't had anything to eat since breakfast. She decides to do the most effective thing an infant can when hungry, she sits down on the pavement and bawls her head.
High above the town everyone's favourite Ancient, the raven winged Janos Audron, was riding the thermals on his way back from the 25th Annual Star Trek Convention. He halts beating his wings lazily to stay in the air, as he hears the sound of crying carried to him to investigate. As he lands silently, he is surprised to see a small child, completely by herself, crying her eyes out. He crouches down so he'll appear non threatening and addresses.
Janos: Hello there, little one.
Pipehead looks up and gasps when she sees Janos.
Pipehead: (In little child awe) Lookit! A angil!
Janos chuckles, amused and slightly flattered.
Janos: My name is Janos. What's yours?
Pipehead: Piper.
Janos: Piper? That's certainly an unusual name, but an attractive one. Piper, why were you crying?
Pipehead points at the shop window.
Pipehead: Oim hungwy.
Janos: (smiles) Well, we can soon sort that out.
Janos picks Pipehead up. The little girl coos and giggles, making Janos smile even more, delighted at the novelty of finally finding someone who doesn't run away screaming at the sight of him. The vampire carries the child into the shop.
Janos: (to the shopkeeper) Excuse me, my good man-
Shopkeeper: AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Janos Audron!!! (runs out of the shop screaming)
Janos: (sighs) Why do they always do that? I'm a nice guy.
Janos puts Pipehead down and she scuttles around, stuffing as much gingerbread into her mouth as she can and secreting her person. Janos watches her for a few moments with one eyebrow raised before counting ten gold coins into the till. Once Pipehead is finished, Janos picks her up and regards her curiously.
Janos: Now, what to do with you? I know you're not from Nosgoth. You smell like an Elf. Are you an Elf, Piper?
Pipehead: Daddy is.
Janos: I thought so. You must have wandered through one of those inter-dimensional portals. Well, if so, one of their rescue parties will be along to fetch you. Till then, I think I will take you back to my home. Is that okay with you, Piper? [E/N: Er……… one word: PEDOPHILE!!! Strange man takes small girl back to his house. It's very wrong. Nissie, I'm appalled!] (A/N: IT WAS HER! NOT ME! 'TWAS ELFIE THAT UTTERED THE BLASPHEMY!)
Pipehead nods and holds her arms out to be picked up. Janos cradles the child against his chest to protect her from the biting winds and flies off.
~*~
Zephon: PINK! (A/N: Look! I didn't start a new section with 'meanwhile' YAY!)
Tor: (looking up from her gameboy) I thought the standard, accepted word was eureka.
Zephon: No, pink!
Raziel: Is there something you're not telling us?
Zephon: NO! What I mean is, we dye Moebius' robes pink while he's asleep.
Kain: Good idea.
Rahab: (looking at the knocked out guardian dubiously) Won't that involve taking the robe off?
Everyone looks slightly ill at the prospect of undressing Moebius.
Melchiah: Okay then, why don't we just dye the whole of Moebius pink?
(A/N: Vorador Hench Vamp 1: Err, Miss Guardian?
Huh? Who has the guile to interrupt my story?!
VH1: Err, me, miss.
What do you wan then boy? Spit it out!
VH1: I, umm, I think I may have spotted an inconstancy in the story line.
Which is?
VH1: I believe earlier on you said that Dumah was beating up Zephon and now he isn't. [E/N: A guy can stop, can't he?]
Yes, but I'm allowed to have plotholes if I want!
VH1: Yes, but-
A man in a suite of armour walks up and hits the hench vampire over the head with a rubber chicken causing the vampire to be turned into a strawberry meringue who is then beamed up by a spaceship shaped like an apron.
Anyone else wanna be a smart arse?
All assembled vampires shake their heads violently.
Good!)
Kain: That must be the longest author note so far. Anyway, what were we saying?
Levi looks back to the previous page.
Levi: Let's see, Mel had just suggested that we dye the whole of Moebius pink.
Kain: Okay then, I'll get the vat.
Dumah: I'll get the dye.
Tor: I'll get the firewood.
Levi: I'll get the water.
Raziel: I'll smash the staff.
Rahab: I'll get the popcorn.
Melchiah: I'll get the chairs.
Zephon: I'll……… errrr……… hey! What can I do?
Kain: I dunno. Hows about you just stand there and look pretty?
It is at this point that the camera pulls away from the group, goes through the ceiling of the Sarafan Fortress (causing thousands of whatever money they use worth of damage) up and away from the happy little green and blue sphere that is Nosgoth. Away from the Solar System, through the stars [E/N: Literally through them? Wouldn't that be kinda hot?] (A/N: Duh!) till the planet Nosgoth is lost amid twinkling white dots and the entire universe is seen in all its glory. The camera then pans up a little more to show that the Universe is actually inside a crystal on a ring that God has just given his girlfriend, and just by writing this the author realise she may have just committed religious suicide.
Anyway, this means that the chapter is over, since I've run out of things to write.
.....
.....
Err, reviews? (disappears)
======================
Kain: (Looking round the space of an empty fic) To quote Elfie: That was random.
Levi: So, what do was do now?
Kain: How about we all go for a pizza.
Raziel: By the way (puppy dog eyes) Please review, we all need to be fed.
Kain: You really have no shame do you.
Raziel: So, G said she'll get me a lifetime pass to 13 Levels if I did that for her. Since i'm immortal I think that I get the better half of the deal. (grins) Oh-oh!
Raziel runs off as a mob of fangirls chase after him screaming. Kain shakes his head in amusement
Right, now for the reviews.
Firstly Fallen Templar - Well, the test went okay (all except for maths, I got unclassified grade meep!) Web site is now down i'm afraid while I move it to a new server (geocities kept mucking me about) Anyway, ta for the review hunnie!
Mysterious Kat - Don't worry Zephon (winks) I won't tell your brothers. Spiderman, that's cute. Thanks for the amusing review Kat ^____^
Vladimirsangel - Yes! Someone who agrees with me about elves! Gosh, it was the mocks when I last updated (is horrible embarrassed) Golly gosh, what a long time. Thank you.
Silveriss - I'm sure you've got Rahab back by now ;-) Thanks for reviewin me. Incidentally, is there a fic about Jarlaxle? He looks interesting.
Elfie - I'm talking to you right now on MSN so I'll just say thanks for reviewing sweetie. ^_^
Fallen Templar - Again? Nice to see you with an account. Oh well, can't have to many reviews can we? (winks)
Frying Pan Girl (LIEUTENAT OTAKU!!!!) - Okay, you're new. I take it you like those particular quotes then?
(looks around) Okay, that seems to be everything. So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen , vampires of all ages I give you chapter five of The Adventures Of Pipehead In Nosgoth!
========================
Pipehead lands with a thump on the floor of the Chronoplast, currently hidden from view by cool misty stuff. Moebius, the ever unbearable Time Streaming git looks up from a copy of the Nosgoth Times.
Moebius: Raziel? (consults his watch) You're not due for another ten years.
Moebius peers round once the mist has cleared but sees no one.
Moebius: What the-
THWACK!!!
Moebius had made the mistake of leaving his staff with the giant anti-vampire crystal on it leaning against the wall.
Pipehead: Oopsies (giggles)
The evil child had dashed round behind the equally as evil puppet master of Nosgoth and had tried to pick his glorified walking stick up. As the staff was about twice as tall as she was, and most of the staff's weight was concentrated at the highest part, far above Pipehead, the stick had overbalanced, smacking Moebius over his bald head and putting quite a large crack in the purple ball.
Pipehead lets the staff fall to the ground and runs off, baby cackling. [E/N: Babies don't cackle, Nissie! You're biased!] (A/N: Yes, your point is Elfie?)
It turns out that Pipehead has crash landed in the Sarafan Fortress. The place is deathly quiet and not a soul is about. The reason for this is the Annual Sarafan v. Vampires Nosgoth Battleship Tournament is being held in the lake outside the stronghold, the one that is enclosed all round by cliffs and has that little balcony overlooking it. Currently the Vampires are in the lead in the lead by one sunk oil tanker and two rubber duckies. Things are looking to get ugly, the Sarafan always having been sore losers.
Pipehead stops to watch for a while.
Vorador Bride 1: FORE!
She cuts the rope causing the catapult to launch a load of Vorador's old shoes over the magically constructed wall hovering half way across the lake.
Vorador Bride 2: Is it a hit?
Random Sarafan: (from his side of the wall) NOPE!
Vorador Bride 1: Damn! Cross C2 off the list.
Becoming bored (due to her having the attention span of a bee) Pipehead makes her way out of the Fortress and heads in the general direction of Termogent Swamp.
~*~
As always, a few minutes too late to catch the elusive infant, Kain and his cronies emerge from the time streams in the familiar multicoloured cloud and spot the prone body of the EVIL guardian of time.
Kain: HA! (runs over and kicks Moebius) Take that, you bastard!
Raziel: Dad, who's he? (points at Moebius)
Kain: Moebius (kicks him again)
Dumah: (incredulous) That's Moebius?!
Kain: Yeah, that's what I said, isn't it? (starts stamping on Moebius' head)
Rahab: I thought you said he was eight foot tall-
Zephon: -With massive lobster claws for hands-
Melchiah: -And slobbering claws-
Rahab: -Right Dad?
Kain: (senses his abuse) Ah, I did say that, didn't I?
Levi and Tor start to giggle quietly. The lieutenants all nod. (A/N: Turel nods from writer land)
Kain: (thinking quickly) Yes! I did say that but…………… er…………… it wasn't about Moebius!
Raziel: So who did you say it about then?
Kain: (looking round for inspiration) Umm………… (spots a random black demon rip through the dimensions, smash through a wall and chase a random Sarafan down the corridor) The Unspoken! Yes! That's it! I said it about the Unspoken! Yes!
Raziel: Riiiiiigggggghhhhhhttttttt (one raised eyebrow) The giant demon dude who you heroically saved Nissa from armed solely with a rubber pilchard and a small tennis racket?
Kain: (relieved) Yes, that's the one.
None of the sons look impressed and Levi and Tor are doubled up with silent laughter. Kain scowls.
Kain: (to the author) This is your fault.
I fail to see how I am responsible. I'm not the one who has been………… ah, adding to the truth.
Kain spots the looks everyone else is giving him.
Kain: (thinking) Shit! I'm going to lose the respect of minions. (out loud, changes subject) Hows about we perform an act of interesting and unusual torture on Moby, huh, boys?
Dumah: On Zephy? Okay!
Zephon: Oh sh-
Dumah jumps on Zephon, wrestles him to the floor and begins to bang his head repeatedly on the floor of the chamber,
Levi: Is he deaf?
Rahab: No, he just deliberately misheard father.
Tor: Hadn't we better stop them before they kill each other……… well……… before Dumah kills Zephon?
Raziel: Nah, best to just let him get it out of his system.
Tor: So……… why don't we like Moe-wassit?
Levi: Oh! Oh! I know! Pick me! (jumps up and down waving one arm frantically)
Tor: I was talking to Razy!
Levi glowers.
Raziel: Well, it all started when Dad was a just a little fledgling………
~*~
Meanwhile
Pipehead wanders out of the smouldering remains of Termogent Swamp, the place having been burnt to the ground after a rather surreal yet humorous interlude involving Pipehead, Vorador and one eighth of his harem, an idiot's road map of Nosgoth, a rabid cockroach and a small tangerine. Due to the fact that Vorador and a small army of his hench-vampires have tied Turel up and are holding weapons of mass destruction to my head, I am afraid I cannot recount this rather embarrassing and highly amusing scene.
Anyway, going north, Pipehead discovers the quaint hamlet of Uschtenhiem. As she make her way through she spots a gingerbread shop.
Pipehead: (wide-eyed) Ooooooooo (presses her little button nose against the window pane)
Pipehead's stomach rumbles loudly, she hasn't had anything to eat since breakfast. She decides to do the most effective thing an infant can when hungry, she sits down on the pavement and bawls her head.
High above the town everyone's favourite Ancient, the raven winged Janos Audron, was riding the thermals on his way back from the 25th Annual Star Trek Convention. He halts beating his wings lazily to stay in the air, as he hears the sound of crying carried to him to investigate. As he lands silently, he is surprised to see a small child, completely by herself, crying her eyes out. He crouches down so he'll appear non threatening and addresses.
Janos: Hello there, little one.
Pipehead looks up and gasps when she sees Janos.
Pipehead: (In little child awe) Lookit! A angil!
Janos chuckles, amused and slightly flattered.
Janos: My name is Janos. What's yours?
Pipehead: Piper.
Janos: Piper? That's certainly an unusual name, but an attractive one. Piper, why were you crying?
Pipehead points at the shop window.
Pipehead: Oim hungwy.
Janos: (smiles) Well, we can soon sort that out.
Janos picks Pipehead up. The little girl coos and giggles, making Janos smile even more, delighted at the novelty of finally finding someone who doesn't run away screaming at the sight of him. The vampire carries the child into the shop.
Janos: (to the shopkeeper) Excuse me, my good man-
Shopkeeper: AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Janos Audron!!! (runs out of the shop screaming)
Janos: (sighs) Why do they always do that? I'm a nice guy.
Janos puts Pipehead down and she scuttles around, stuffing as much gingerbread into her mouth as she can and secreting her person. Janos watches her for a few moments with one eyebrow raised before counting ten gold coins into the till. Once Pipehead is finished, Janos picks her up and regards her curiously.
Janos: Now, what to do with you? I know you're not from Nosgoth. You smell like an Elf. Are you an Elf, Piper?
Pipehead: Daddy is.
Janos: I thought so. You must have wandered through one of those inter-dimensional portals. Well, if so, one of their rescue parties will be along to fetch you. Till then, I think I will take you back to my home. Is that okay with you, Piper? [E/N: Er……… one word: PEDOPHILE!!! Strange man takes small girl back to his house. It's very wrong. Nissie, I'm appalled!] (A/N: IT WAS HER! NOT ME! 'TWAS ELFIE THAT UTTERED THE BLASPHEMY!)
Pipehead nods and holds her arms out to be picked up. Janos cradles the child against his chest to protect her from the biting winds and flies off.
~*~
Zephon: PINK! (A/N: Look! I didn't start a new section with 'meanwhile' YAY!)
Tor: (looking up from her gameboy) I thought the standard, accepted word was eureka.
Zephon: No, pink!
Raziel: Is there something you're not telling us?
Zephon: NO! What I mean is, we dye Moebius' robes pink while he's asleep.
Kain: Good idea.
Rahab: (looking at the knocked out guardian dubiously) Won't that involve taking the robe off?
Everyone looks slightly ill at the prospect of undressing Moebius.
Melchiah: Okay then, why don't we just dye the whole of Moebius pink?
(A/N: Vorador Hench Vamp 1: Err, Miss Guardian?
Huh? Who has the guile to interrupt my story?!
VH1: Err, me, miss.
What do you wan then boy? Spit it out!
VH1: I, umm, I think I may have spotted an inconstancy in the story line.
Which is?
VH1: I believe earlier on you said that Dumah was beating up Zephon and now he isn't. [E/N: A guy can stop, can't he?]
Yes, but I'm allowed to have plotholes if I want!
VH1: Yes, but-
A man in a suite of armour walks up and hits the hench vampire over the head with a rubber chicken causing the vampire to be turned into a strawberry meringue who is then beamed up by a spaceship shaped like an apron.
Anyone else wanna be a smart arse?
All assembled vampires shake their heads violently.
Good!)
Kain: That must be the longest author note so far. Anyway, what were we saying?
Levi looks back to the previous page.
Levi: Let's see, Mel had just suggested that we dye the whole of Moebius pink.
Kain: Okay then, I'll get the vat.
Dumah: I'll get the dye.
Tor: I'll get the firewood.
Levi: I'll get the water.
Raziel: I'll smash the staff.
Rahab: I'll get the popcorn.
Melchiah: I'll get the chairs.
Zephon: I'll……… errrr……… hey! What can I do?
Kain: I dunno. Hows about you just stand there and look pretty?
It is at this point that the camera pulls away from the group, goes through the ceiling of the Sarafan Fortress (causing thousands of whatever money they use worth of damage) up and away from the happy little green and blue sphere that is Nosgoth. Away from the Solar System, through the stars [E/N: Literally through them? Wouldn't that be kinda hot?] (A/N: Duh!) till the planet Nosgoth is lost amid twinkling white dots and the entire universe is seen in all its glory. The camera then pans up a little more to show that the Universe is actually inside a crystal on a ring that God has just given his girlfriend, and just by writing this the author realise she may have just committed religious suicide.
Anyway, this means that the chapter is over, since I've run out of things to write.
.....
.....
Err, reviews? (disappears)
======================
Kain: (Looking round the space of an empty fic) To quote Elfie: That was random.
Levi: So, what do was do now?
Kain: How about we all go for a pizza.
Raziel: By the way (puppy dog eyes) Please review, we all need to be fed.
Kain: You really have no shame do you.
Raziel: So, G said she'll get me a lifetime pass to 13 Levels if I did that for her. Since i'm immortal I think that I get the better half of the deal. (grins) Oh-oh!
Raziel runs off as a mob of fangirls chase after him screaming. Kain shakes his head in amusement
