by
C. "Sparky" Read
Chapter Four
"Ah, it's 'culture,'"Quackerjack told him. "You're not supposed to understand it."
The two watched in silence as an astounding number of people filed into the building. "I've never heard of people going to an opera before noon," Megavolt said at last.
"Must be a matinee. Let's go."
Megavolt affixed a daunting-looking theft-deterrent device to the steering wheel of the car, then the two villains walked up the steps of the operahouse and went inside.
The lobby was vast ("Much bigger than the one at Shubird Theatre," Quackerjack pointed out), and entirely decorated in red. Red carpeting, red furnishings, even a painting which was nothing but a canvas covered in plain red.
"I see you're admiring my 'Poppies In A Crimson Field,'" stated Tuskernini, waddling up behind the other two. "An absolutely striking piece; I simply had to have it for my newest endeavor, despite the ridiculously inflated price tag. IMy word," the walrus interrupted himself. "You two are part of the Fearsome Five, am I right?"
Megavolt held up his hand. "We"
"No, no, no, don't tell me." Tuskernini waved his handkerchief indulgently. "You two are here to partake in some high art, are you? Yes, yes," he went on, bobbing his round head, "you men have exceedingly elevated tastes: 'Romance In The Trenches' is among the most well-received of any opera this century has seen. I wrote it myself, naturally."
Megavolt took a step forward. "We"
"Why, this moment must go down in the annals of rogue history. Cecil! Otto!" boomed Tuskernini, clapping his hands sharply. "Bring the equipment!"
A pair of penguins appeared from somewhere toting a movie camera and tripod. They quickly set up the camera to point at the discombobulated Quackerjack and Megavolt.
"Fine, fine, very fine!" Tuskernini nodded his approval. "Now...Where's Dmitri?"
Cecil and Otto shrugged and shook their heads.
"Confound it!" swore the walrus, losing his patience. "That Antarctic layabout! I should never have trusted him with my good clapboard!"
At that moment a third penguin clutching a clapboard nearly as wide as he was tall came skittering around the corner to join the other two. Thoroughly out of breath he stood there, casting appealing glances about the room. Cecil and Otto rolled their eyes.
"Dmitri!" scolded Tuskernini. "Where have you been?"
Dmitri responded by going into a series of pantomimes involving primarily the frantic waving of flippers and a lot of hopping up and down. When he was finished he was so exhausted he collapsed on the floor.
Tuskernini became flustered. "What? What?" he demanded, although clearly not expecting an answer. "Impossible!" He turned to Quackerjack and Megavolt, who hadn't budged an inch. "I'm afraid there's been a bit of trouble in the orchestra pit, gentlemen," he told them. "A sweet old lady has fallen into it. I must away before I have a lawsuit on my hands...That's a take!" he shouted at the penguins, and waddled hastily out of the lobby. Cecil and Otto instantly gathered up the camera and tripod and hurriedly followed Tuskernini, trampling poor Dmitri, who managed to scurry after them with the clapboard nonetheless.
"What a weirdo," commented Mr. Banana Brain.
"He's perfect," said Megavolt, and the two villains entered the theatre.
Upon Quackerjack's insistence they headed up to a balcony. On their way up the stairs Megavolt confiscated a pair of opera glasses from a rather startled gentlemen, then the two took a seat.
"Do you think they sell churros here?" Megavolt wondered aloud.
"Shh!" Quackerjack told him. "The opera's starting!"
The two villains sat in silence as the curtain went up, revealing a large woman in a white nurse's uniform. She began to sing, something about 'life here under the flak.' As she sang, she was joined on-stage by a chorus of men in gas masks, who began to sing background verses. However, their lyrics were completely indecipherable due to the masks.
"Boy is this dumb," grunted Megavolt after only ten seconds.
"Gimmee those," said Quackerjack, taking the opera glasses. After doing away with the holder, he peered through them at the audience below. "There's Tuskernini in the front row," he said.
Megavolt took the glasses back and looked for himself. Sure enough, Tuskernini was sitting in the center of the first row. He took up two seats. Cecil, Otto, and Dmitri were there, too, filmingnot the opera, but Tuskernini's reaction to it.
"Let's grab cuspid-boy and get out of here," said Megavolt, putting a hand on his stomach. "That mortar they just released is making me a little queasy."
Quackerjack frowned. "But he'll never notice us if we're way up here..." He thought a moment, then grinned. "No problem," he said. "Come on."
Tuskernini allowed a tear to come to his eye as the nurse finished her song and tripped offstage, followed by the Chorus. I hope those incompetent avians caught that burst of spontaneous emotion, he thought. I'm such a genius. He wiped the tear away with an oversized handkerchief, then, for good measure, he blew his nose loudly. 'It never hurts to overdo things' had always been his motto. After a second's consideration, he opted to keep the handkerchief out, since the very next scene was the one in which the nurse falls in love with the soldier hero, and he would probably need it then. After a quick glance in Cecil's direction to make sure the camera was still trained solely on his face, Tuskernini turned his attention back to the stage, where two figures appeared from behind the curtain. This is it! thought the walrus elatedly.
Megavolt adjusted his little white nurse's hat and began to sing, as loudly and as badly as he could, something about woe.
"It couldn't be," Tuskernini whispered hoarsely.
Quackerjack, dressed head to toe in army drab (with the exception of his cap), appeared on-stage next to Megavolt. Mr. Banana Brain, dressed as a large grenade, dangled from the duck's belt. He joined in the song, but not before changing the topic to despair.
Tuskernini vaulted himself out of his seat and began gesticulating wildly at his three assistants. "Get those two uncultured crackpots out of my fabulous production!" he howled.
The audience, meanwhile, had all begun filing out of the theatre shaking their heads and muttering about getting their money back. Tuskernini screeched in horror.
"You!" he cried, pointing a shaking finger at Megavolt and Quackerjack, who only lifted their eyebrows and pointed at their own chests in mock surprise. "You troglodytes have ruined my reputation as a creator of fine stage performances! Just what do you think you are doing?
"We're on a mission from Negaduck," Megavolt was finally able to say at last.
Tuskernini blinked.
